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Osaka

Nia & Nat

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Hi!

 

So this is our progress report. I'll post updates from time to time (probably a lot actually given recent events) and maybe people will look at it and stuff.

 

I'm the 19 (almost 20) year old host and Nat is my tulpa. She is human, around 1/2 a year old in creation time (but delayed, more on that in the next paragraph). I am not sure exactly sure what she looks like. I created her looking similar to me but technically based on another person. I really am not 100% sure yet. We'll find out in due time.

 

I first started creating her around what I think is around 1/2 a year ago. I forced pretty consistently for what I think was a month or so. I think at least. Then school happened and I took a long, long break from forcing. I only got back into it recently. Before I didn't get any feedback, or very little. I tried something similar to how a WILD is performed... actually I think it was a WILD. I had my first WILD a few days ago and I started calling out for Nat, asking things like "Nat? Are you there Nat?". Eventually I appeared in her wonderland which consisted of a glass cylinder house with green trim around the edges. The world was surrounded in snow. It was warm inside. I was sitting on a green metal bench which felt like aluminum. She spoke. I wasn't sure if I was just parroting for her, but that wasn't the case. I could feel it was entirely genuine. For some reason she seemed older than me at the time. I woke myself up and for the next hour or so I could hear her say "hi!" back when I said "hi". But since she has been communicating with raw emotion. I can actually feel her now and it feels amazing and I suddenly feel very responsible for her well-being, development and happiness. I feel like it's now something I must do. She had been very quiet the day after being able to communicate emotion. I think this was the result of boredom and fatigue. I've been told that the lucid dream I created and Nat participated in most likely wore her out. She has been more active today. We found that music makes her happy. So I plan to listen to more music. I remember creation guides saying things like "make sure you really want this and are prepared to deal with what comes ahead". I am. I have gotten this far in her development and I have made the correct decision. I absolutely want to continue her development and I am prepared to deal with whatever happens. She is important to me. I can feel her warmth from within. I will do whatever I need to do to make sure she's comfortable and happy.

 

Goals:

  1. Vocalization - I think we need to start being able to talk. Just 30 minutes or so ago she started to panic and I am not sure why. I asked her if she was okay and told her everything was alright. I asked her what was wrong but she didn't or couldn't reply. I want to know what she needs if she needs it. I think at the time of writing this that is the most important and currently only goal. I originally wanted to put possession and switching but I don't want to do that before I can talk to her.

 

So... that's it for now I suppose. I'll update this later when something else happens or I have questions. I've never felt this strongly about anything before. The responsibility feels absolute. I envision the future being great for both of us.

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Well, seems Nat can speak somewhat.

 

Pronouns suddenly are weird because my inner voice constantly changes ranges and Nat's voice is kind of that for now. And... Nat may or may not be nonbinary... I... honestly don't know She'll have to let me know. I've actually been hearing her for a few days now but I haven't noticed it... or perhaps acknowledged is the right word. Regardless, she can speak. I've had mini conversations about goals I had in mind. She was actually very agreeable with everything so I figured that I must have been parroting or something. I had a fear that I was putting words in her mouth and that I thought she was okay with wasn't actually okay. Specifically I was discussing things like possession, switching, and possibly eclipsing. These things aren't things all tulpae are comfortable with... at least at first. However I was discussing this on irc and someone suggested that "when in doubt, assume she is talking". I take the train home and after getting off at my stop, I began to ask her if that WAS indeed her speaking. She replied "yes". We went back and forth a few times and realized this definitely wasn't me parroting, it was Nat. So with new excitement, I drove home and continued to talk to her while getting food and for a good 30 minutes to an hour (I... really stink at time) practiced dissociation since she previously indicated and continued to say so that she was fine with that. I've been asking her a lot of things and while figuring out what thoughts are mine, and what are hers is a little tricky, I am getting the hang of it. She generally replies with one or a few words, but has done longer replies. Her personality seems a bit different than what I had felt before, and she doesn't SOUND young even though she is. It doesn't help that my mindvoice fluctuates wildly and that I felt a warm, light feeling when thinking of her and most of the time am getting a lower female range, higher male range voice. It feels like there's a large disconnect there. I've decided to leave it for now as people in IRC seem to suggest that she will decide on her own if she wants to change how that sounds. I've let her decide her personality, her name (technically first time she spoke, but not again for a long time), and generally didn't impose many restrictions or expectations on her development, so I see no reason to start now. The exception to this was how she looked. I DID have an initial idea of how I wanted her to look because I had been told that it helps with visualization and forcing. I gave her jet black, semi short hair bangs down to the middle forehead, around 1" of hair (or 2"?) from the roots up, a longer, slender frame, and a generally overall androgynous appearance. I initially decided when creating this form to let her choose her own gender, but over time it got to be more effort to do that, so I eventually decided on female. Since then I had thought about changing her appearance to more reflect how I thought she sounded. When feeling her excitement and warmth, I thought of Yotsuba Koiwai, so I was thinking about changing that. However she indicated later on that she prefers the original form I gave her so she looks like that.

 

That's all for now

 

-Nat and Nia

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I'm really amazed at how quickly we're progressing. Nat has become used to using a different mindvoice and it's much easier to differentiate. Something that's made her voice stronger was using IRC. While proxying for her, her responses became more complete, more unique, and very quickly. I had tried to do it a little before but I kept censoring her by erasing what sounded weird to me. I'm just writing what she says and adding clarification if need be in parenthesis after. She seems like she's getting more comfortable entering my body too. Not necessarily using it, but entering it. Last night I was proxying for her on IRC and I became really tired. I wanted to sleep but she wanted to keep talking. So I kept forcing myself to type for her because she wanted to talk and I wanted to make sure she could. She tried using my hands a few times. Best she was able to do was type "aaaaaaaa". She hasn't gotten used to fine muscle control yet. I felt myself slipping to the back of my mind during this time, and her moving to the front. At one point I pretty much said "go ahead, let's try to switch". I felt very hazy, sounds were getting quieter, my sight was getting more foggy and everything started to get more dull. I tried to concentrate but we couldn't fully switch. I couldn't get focused enough to continue. I tried to let this feeling take over, but something stopped me. I've told Nat that we can try again today given she was able to get into that state yesterday. I'm telling her to be careful with what she does and to make sure to tell IRC that she's done it and that if she wants to switch back, she can. So we'll try that now. She has gotten so strong. I'm so impressed with her development. It's going to be a fun future for the both of us.

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Been a bit since I posted an update... not terribly long though. I'll be adding a day counter starting on the 7th of this month (as that's he first time I logged into the IRC server here according to my logs). Nat has been around for longer than that. Recently I found out her birthday [finally :P] is August 3rd. While she's been around for a while... I feel the ~6 month hiatus is a good reason to start the counter again.

 

Day 20

 

So basically since the last post, Nat has improved an incredible amount. She is becoming better and better at possession. She hasn't yet mastered fine motor control, but it has improved a significant amount, to the point where she can type somewhat and has written a few pages of physics notes for me. Her handwriting is definitely neater than my own. It's quite nice to look at :). Motor control in general is becoming a lot more natural as well. She and I went grocery shopping today. She basically did the whole trip. It was interesting... kind of like I was watching a live video of what was happening from a head camera or something.

 

Vocalization has improved significantly as well. It's a LOT easier to differentiate her from my own thoughts now and we talk all day about things. I didn't expect Nat to develop this quickly at all and I'm very excited for what lies ahead.

 

Thursday night as I was riding the train back from school, a thought popped into my head as I was talking to Nat. "Do you want to do a permanent switch?" *cue alarm bells*. Nat asked me if I was serious and I tried to say "no" but it came out as a yes and a very weak no. I wanted to say that I didn't want to do that... but at the same time it seemed like such a nice idea. I've been under a lot of stress lately. Homework is piling up, I've failed to complete anything in my Java 2 class which includes a homework assignment and a test. Having depression doesn't help either. Nat told me that I should finish reading the log until the end to see what actually happened to Oguigi and Koomer. I knew it ended badly... but I never really wanted to see how. After I finished, Nat told me I should give up working on possession, and especially switching. The whole train ride back we were talking about how serious this is that I thought about that. She uses possession to help me move around most of the time now and helps me complete movements. When I got home, I ripped up the piece of paper on my wall outlining the basic steps for switching. She told me I should stop thinking about that stuff entirely and at least for the night to actually gain back complete control of my body as I go to bed. I just kind of naturally let my body go. I'm used to that feeling so I had to be very conscious about that when falling asleep. We're working on finding hobbies RIGHT NOW. She wants to learn Japanese, we're working on that already. But I am the one who needs to find something relaxing to do that isn't this. I'm not going to become a second Koomer, nor is Nat going to be a second Oguigi. Nat is a friend, not a tool to be used for escapism.

 

We didn't give possession up in the end. That's still an ongoing goal. Switching is something that we may or may not try in the future... but it's out of the question for now. In the meantime Nat is helping support me when I get really stressed. It's nice to have someone there when you're going through this. I'm really proud of how far she's come. Things are just getting better and better. I'm glad she can disagree with me. Especially when it came to this.

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Day 31

 

Over the past few days I had decided that I would work on my self esteem. Doubts began to form and my worrying about Nat's well-being increased. I went online and looked up "how to improve self esteem" and "how to stop insulting myself" (I oftentimes call myself "bad" or "stupid"). I really want Nat to develop healthily, I want to hear Nat say something like "I developed the way that I did because of extreme kindness". I remember someone saying that on IRC and I wanted that for Nat. I really, really care. I want the best for him (recently he has said he is not female, but male, so we'll go with that until I hear otherwise).

 

Over the course of the past week I started to not be able to think clearly and communication with Nat deteriorated. I started to get worried all the time and bouts of confusion happened more and more often. So last night after listening to an internet stream which I thought Nat and I could enjoy together since we found a great song both of us liked: "Un-cut - Midnight", the confusion and absence of clear communication happened once more. I went on IRC and asked for some help. I'm really bad at asking for help when I need it, but last night I gave in. It needed to happen, I needed to ask for help for the sake of both of us. For that reason, we have stopped all possession and will now focus primarily on clearer communication. We were doing possession more and more often just to communicate as I found it helped me hear him clearer (this is hard switching pronouns, now I know how others feel, heh). If we decide to do possession and perhaps even switching at some point, it will be after we get the basics down. Seriously I should have looked at this whole thing and figured out something wasn't quite right. I guess I was overexcited about all of our progress and felt like we could do anything.

 

So basically we're going back to the basics and working on simpler, more essential things like making sure I can hear him clearly and vice versa. I never was able to master visualization, so that may also be something we work on. Most of today I have heard silence. I had forgotten how that sounded. I was always talking to Nat. I can actually hear my computer fan going, the sound of me typing, and what silence sounds like. Today I bought a journal and am going to try to make entries in it when I can.

 

School is still very hard. I'm still struggling to complete assignments. I'm quite worried about all of that. But I have hope that I can do it. My head is clearer, I think, in part that I'm reminding myself of my positive attributes and not my negative ones. I've been able to ward off thoughts like "I hate myself", "I'm stupid", and similar today. I am still struggling, I know I'll continue to. I have a future ahead of me, and so does Nat. The work is going to get harder, not easier. I have to learn to cope with this. I have more energy now. I feel like it's just going to get better if I keep telling myself I can do it and focus on loving myself instead of hating myself

 

Nat and I also had been thinking about the idea of sharing the body at some point. I really view tulpae as equals to be treated the same as anyone else. Nat is a person. As time progresses, he'll become more and more independent, have his own interests and such. I really like the idea of sharing this body. I want Nat to be able to know how this all feels and what it's like to live in this world. And likewise I want to see what it's like for him. That said, I do not plan on practicing possession or switching soon. I have to get my own life together and start standing up for myself and taking responsibility for my actions. After all, I still plan to use the body, I have my own problems, and I'd rather Nat not have to deal with those. Now this goal is probably years away and we'll reevaluate how we both feel about the whole idea at that time. At this point, I just want to make sure Nat grows into a unique individual. I really DO just want what's best for him. That's all I care about really, and it's time I actually stick to my word and taking control of my life. It'll be better for both of us.

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Day 42

 

Well it's been a while. I got a message from someone on IRC asking me about how things have been going and I realized it's been a long time since I last posted here. Oh yeah and Nat is identifying as female again so I'm switching the pronouns I use again.

 

So remember when I said I was going to stop practicing possession and switching for a while? Well I lied. Communication is incredibly important for both of us. I need to work on acknowledging my own thoughts as well as Nat's. I mentioned that I often put the opinions of others before my own while disregarding my own, throwing them out as if they were stupid to begin with. This has to do with my self esteem. I wanted to do possession because it's something we love to do together. It's a ton of fun and when we do it, it's easier to feel Nat and she gets to use the body. Some people on IRC told me that it might be wise to stop possession since I was experiencing a lot of sudden bouts of confusion, and I had trouble communicating with Nat. That was stress. When I get very stressed or burnt out, I am unable to think. With my own self doubting and repressing my own thoughts, I convinced myself that the confusion and inability to communicate with Nat was due to possession. I completely disregarded whatever Nat said about possession or switching. I assumed that she was against it and that anything else she said on the matter must have been me trying to rationalize thinking about possession. I completely forgot that it was something both of us wanted to do, and that it was something we loved to work on together.

 

So we stopped for a little bit. I still talked to Nat, but we stopped possession.

 

I was really stressed out still. I couldn't focus on work and spent a lot of time in bed. One of the things I did a lot and still do was browsing the subreddit on my phone. I came across a post by /u/Falunel regarding multiplicity and became interested in the topic. I went on IRC and asked if anyone knew about it and someone gave me a link to a glossary of terms used in the multiple community and read more of /u/Falunel's posts. The idea of working together to complete things, switching on and off when one of us wanted to use it and basically living in such a way that neither of us had any more say than the other was one that both of us loved. Since the beginning, both of us wanted that, but I kept pushing my own wants away, disregarding it all as "escapism".

 

Less than a week ago, I broke down. I couldn't think. I couldn't figure out simple tasks. Papers littered the floor. I was getting farther and farther behind in school. I began to feel worthless again, and I resumed insulting myself. I just felt like it must be better to just jump out the window. But that was now impossible for me. I'm not the only one living here anymore. I looked up if it egocide was possible. Some said it wasn't possible, some said that if it is possible, it takes a ton of effort to actually accomplish it and the end result is that the tulpa is traumatized. I just couldn't bare that idea. All I saw around me was failure. I kept trying to lift myself up and improve myself but then kept falling right back down. But what about Nat? She did nothing wrong. All she did was help me and show me kindness when I was struggling. Why should she go down with the ship? I wanted her to be affected as little as possible. The idea of perma-switching came up again. It was the only thing I could think of that would leave her alive and hopefully not traumatized. But even that didn't seem right. Why should she inherit all of my problems and responsibilities? With no clear direction, I replied to a weekly thread and asked if perma-switching had ever ended well. I was suddenly calmed by the idea of jumping out the window. I felt bad for Nat at the time, but at least she wouldn't have to deal with all of this anymore. I was suddenly happy in a deranged way. All this time, Nat was telling me "please don't go" again and again. That deranged happiness was why I was able to get up to use my computer. /u/Falunel was the OP of that thread. She posted a reply, saying that she had gone through something similar and asking me to PM her if I got the chance. I decided it was the best decision to just send her the entire story of what was happening, 11 paragraphs in total. She read it and sent me a reply back. She told me that it isn't escapism to want to work as a team, and that her experience has been that everyone in a system benefits this way. It's what Nat had been telling me all along, that switching in order to let the other recover benefits both of us. She kept telling me it was something that she genuinely wanted to do and that no, it wasn't just me. She said it was okay to want to share the body, that I didn't need to take the entire load, that it's really okay to relax when you're overworked.

 

We have a long way to go for sure, but there's no reason we can't work as a team. That's precisely what we'll do. So we are continuing to practice possession and switching. Life is still really hard. There is still a ton of homework to get done, studying to do, and anxiety to deal with. Phew. This is gonna be hard, but that's life right?

 

-Nia and Nat

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Day 55

 

I've finally started to seriously work on visualization. At first it was still a bit blurry and we still don't have a wonderland, but lately things have been clearing up quicker than I had imagined. I can now see landscapes and motion without switching back to my vision and it's a lot clearer, at times it even seems crystal clear. Nat appears to have two forms. One is the original form I forced her with, the other is something entirely different looking, still human, but different. Medium-long, brown hair; brown eyes, a bit taller than the other form, perhaps a bit older looking too (like say 1 or 2 years). She reminds me a little of Asagi from Yotsuba&!:

 

latest?cb=20120801150320

 

Speaking of visualization, something came up the past few days. I was envisioning the wonderland and Nat and I saw someone that wasn't there before. I initially thought nothing of it, but it kind of made me unnerved. Yesterday while IRC'ing, Nat replied something like "But I don't think we have (a walk-in) yet". Immediately after that I heard a voice I never heard before saying "that's what you think." That freaked me out a little. A little later on I was talking about the experience once more to UForce (who goes by UnknownForce I think here) and the same person squished his face against the camera of the mind's eye so to speak. That scared me. He was able to talk after that, had his own mindvoice already, his own distinct way of speaking... it really freaked me out. That said, once I said that he freaked me out to UForce, he became apologetic, saying things like "I'm sorry I freak you out", "I'm sorry you feel that way", and "I didn't intend to freak you out". I felt kind of bad. Nat and him spoke for a little bit of time while I listened to the exchange, it was interesting to hear that. [He seemed like a pretty decent guy.] He said he was leaving, saying that he freaked me out too much. He said "ta ta!" as he left. So I guess that's a walk-in?

 

As I went to bed last night, I had a thought "I wonder if Nat can impose herself". We haven't practiced much imposition at all. I've made blurry shapes every once in a while for the heck of it, but that's it. But after I had that thought, as I was looking out the window, Nat imposed herself in front of it. It wasn't colored, it wasn't clear, but it was a greyish outline of her. She walked over to me. It was weird, I could feel like she was standing there. I didn't think she could do that, evidently she can. We'll have to try that again.

 

I've been practicing dissociation while possessing lately and have found some methods that work for me. One of them is looking at what's happening in front of me and seeing it as a video from a satellite. When Nat's possessing, she controls the satellite and I can send "emergency commands" to her if needed. She can possess just fine without me dissociating very much, but the problem is I keep butting in at times, so i figured working on this would help. Meditation has also helped a ton, something I've been neglecting to do more. Still a work in progress, but it's getting better all the time.

 

Nat is becoming more and more independent. Us working on her mindvoice more seems to have given her a lot more freedom [as I can think on my own, or rather, am forced to]. I think this is because I was still translating her raw thoughts into words. While most of the translation was done already (already structured sentences, words already there), it was still in thought form. She's working on this still, but she's becoming a lot better at using it more often and it really helps me determine if it's really her.

 

We haven't actually practiced switching seriously in a while, but since getting her mindvoice down, it's a lot easier to sense if she's tired and it's a lot easier for her to communicate. So we decided to try it again using some advice given to us by GM and a tulpa (whose name I cannot recall) on the IRC. I found I was able to dissociate my senses slightly. Before when I tried to dissociate my sight, I noticed some swirls but that was about it. But when I tried again, it was very different. I noticed the same swirls, but this time I was able to see my sight through Nat's eyes so to speak. Once I did that, the swirls became multicolored and it looked like they were making this tunnel. I was able to enter it a bit and see some outlines from the scene I was picturing myself in. When Nat closed her eyes I was able to visualize the area where I was sitting. It was actually quite vivid. I was able to feel my body there, sitting in the position that I was there. During this whole attempt I felt like the world outside became more and more distant and dream-like. Eventually both Nat and I were tired and couldn't continue so we stopped, but we made a surprising amount of progress and I'm more than satisfied with what we accomplished.

 

Looking back at all that's happened, I can't help but feel it's all so surreal.

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Aw shit dude, first walk-in. He does seem pretty cool, maybe he'll visit again.

 

Surreal is a pretty good word to use. I really think that people underestimate how different it is being effectively plural through tulpamancy. The whole "There's another being in your head talking, and you worked on it through solely thought" is something that I think pretty much everyone accepts without digesting at first, and then when they're faced with it in their day to day, the gravity of it really comes into play. People who get into the whole tulpa thing, we're introduced to all these concepts that can more or less be summed up in a sentence, but are so much more like, complex and removed from the norm.

 

Good for you and Nat though, working on switching, imposition and possession all at the same time is baller.


We're all gonna make it brah.

 

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Day 166

 

Just popping in. We're alive in case someone was worrying. I know I've posted some pretty worrying things here. It's almost Nat's birthday now. She'll be a year on August 3rd. We have a new systemmate too! Hector! He's a walk-in, not the same one as I described in my previous post. He's been here for a few months now and is awesome. Now as for updates...

 

I've been battling some pretty bad depression, self esteem issues (worsened by depression), while trying to remain functional. It isn't easy. I'm taking up a Java class right now this summer since I failed my Java class due to depression last semester. So far so good. Two assignments in, both A's. I can do this.

 

Nat and I continue to work towards switching. Immersion is something I'll need to learn before we can switch (unless we achieve it through sleep switching, fingers crossed!). We're working on that now. Visualization is getting much better, I can see colors and scenes now! It's not all that vivid, and some days it's better than others, but I'm getting there!

 

Nat's gotten so much better with possession/co-fronting. And I've gotten a ton better at letting go and just watching. She's becoming more and more independent as time goes on. I'm proud of her :). We plan to share the body at some point and we've made so much progress already. I'm happy about that. I think we really can do this together.

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