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Tulpa ego / disocciation with bipolar


Tallis

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Hi, I'm new and while I did some research a couple of years back, I'm unknowledgable and I wanted to get some experienced opinions on what I think has happened, it's a bit of a story so sorry for what will inevitably be a little complicated.

 

The events begin in 2012 when I was 17, I had a feeling of displacement and a sense that something was wrong, and I'd come across this site, I read a few guides and set about creating a tulpa, named Layla.

I wanted a tulpa more confident and social, sort of to balance out my confidence in non-social aspects but social anxiety. At the time I also started an occasional but consistent cannabis habit, not heavy as I was finishing high school but regular as a couple of sessions a week.

This further spurred my subconscious feelings of displacement and that something about me was wrong (and I don't mean gender identity or orientation, any personality defect, just that something wasn't right)

 

After research and influence from things like Fringe and music exploring ego, self-identity and death, I started experimenting with acid, small doses at first to become accustomed to the effects and see if I enjoyed it.

Several months later after more development of layla (I got to a stage where I felt her presence a lot and could almost talk and listen, and was getting freudian slips) I wanted to push past and identify what it was that i felt subconsciously about ego, so I took a higher dose of acid.

 

The initial dose didn't create any large effect past a normal acid trip, but three weeks later with cannabis usage as well, I experienced an ego death, complete loss of sense of self and separation with everything else. It also later turned out to be my first manic episode, It happened over a night with effects that in hindsight seem mixed between non-visual aspects of lsd and a manic state. afterwards I spent a day or two in a manic state without any hallucinogenic effects, but strong after-effects, confusion and being dazed, basically the energy of mania with some thought alteration but not strong thoughts effects. sorry if that's vague, and might not be relevant to the tulpa issue but is part of the story.

 

I got hospitalised at this point and was sedated. After I came down I was with a sense of difference, this is when I think I (tallis) started and Peter, Who I used to be in a sense started ending. From that point it was a decay into depression about who I was until my next manic episode which made me realise what happened the first time was the ego death ended Peter and created/came back (i really don't know what word to use) as me, though it took the time between episodes to realise it.

 

Meanwhile the progress peter made with layla seemed to be stunted and stopped after the ego dissociation. As I've realised over the last few months coming through the rebound depression from the 2nd manic episode what happened over the whole process I think there's been a sense that Layla and I were "waiting" for peter to fade more completely before I could give her the focus required to develop into full consciousness.

 

 

So I know this has been very long winded, thanks to anyone who gave it the full consideration, the basic question is,

do you think that in the process of the first manic episode with the sense of depersonalisation, acid and desire to create a tulpa (layla) created me instead (tallis) and brought peter back but only to fade.?

Has this whole process and the time that Layla has been left without growth made her fade too much for me to develop her as a full tulpa?

I might be wrong about some parts, right about others, or missing some points. I'm not too sure as I don

t remember the research on tulpae from the first time around. Any advice or opinions would be great.

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I'm not sure about the whole tallis/peter switch, as I'm not entirely sure on what you've said. I'm reading this on my phone so it's not the easiest thing to read over your post while typing so I'm going off of(relatively meh) memory. It seemed to me that peter was the host personality before the episode, so I'll be going off of that. I'm not a psychologist, either so feel free to disregard any of this part if you wish. That being said, it seems to me that we are never the same person for too long. Experiences that come up in life tend to change us(or at least me, not sure about other people) pretty quickly. That might be because I'm just going through a period of change in my life, but it seems to me that experiences change us. I don't know you now and I didn't know you before you changed into tallis, so I'm not sure of how drastically you two are different. If the change was truly drastic, you might want to talk to actual psychologists if you're not already doing so.

 

As for your other question, Layla is definitely not beyond repair/help with the fading. I've seen people on here say that tulpas never really fade, they're just weakened to the point where you can't consciously perceive them. So it's definitely possible to bring her back if you wish to do so.

Markus is the tulpa, and I don't really have anything else to say.

 

Markus speaks in Blue!

 

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Thanks, that answer helps, a lot for the second, and some good perspective on the first. I do have a psychiatrist as in Aus the bipolar is handled by a relapse team to avoid further manic episodes, I've talked to him about the event and the point that the change is unclear is valid, There's a period of about 18 months between episodes that I think we both existed in some point, though In that period I'm not sure about host/who that was.

 

The clearest explanation I can think of is that the dissociation was where peter started to decay and where I was created, though as for who was the host during that 18 months is unclear, I know I was there after the 1st episode but didn't come to completely being the host until the 2nd episode. I think it was sort of combined hostdom with separation between tallis and peter being weak.

 

As for how different we are, from what I can remember of everything before the whole event, we're similar in some ways but different in a lot of tendencies/beliefs. The psychiatrist did raise the notion that If It is me seeing peter and tallis as separate tulpa/personality and that I distance myself from things I consider were peter, then it may just be a defense mechanism. But I feel like I consider some things separate from me and some combined with me and him as for the 18 months it was more or less both of us.

So something I'm honestly still trying to work out is was there a definitive split between different beings (for lack of a better term) or is it just a change within one ego with a defense mechanism trying to establish some past events as a different ego. Which I think from one perspective may even be a compartmentalised form of cotard's syndrome. Though it's all affected by the question, is peter the same person as tallis, which relies on the question of who is that person.. I know I have the same body and same mind, but as for person/personality/ego I think I have enough to believe it was what happened in my head and it's not just a defense mechanism. Still interested in further advice opinions though, and as before, I may be wrong in parts, If I've made any mistakes in assumptions or logic in how I think this happened, feel free to correct me.

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There is a possibility that you, Tallis, could have started as an unconsciously formed Tulpa, became an alter to Peter, and then stepped into the role of host. During a major depressive episode linked to my own bipolar, which I was diagnosed with when I was eight, I unconsciously created my first Tulpa, Aura, in under a month.

 

For clarity's sake, I'll mention that I'm Aura. I started as a normal Tulpa, albeit slightly unusual in how I came about, but over the course of the years since then Einulf and I have become closer to a system of alters than a host and Tulpa.

 

We generally alternate control of our body somewhat equally, and we each have things that we can do better than the other. For me, it seemed like just another step in the process, similar to a child learning to run after being able to walk for a time.

 

If Peter did create you unconsciously, then it was likely for a similar reason to Einulf's. His reason for creating me was that he felt unable to cope with his situation alone. It's possible that, after Peter created you, he regressed even further, forcing you to take the same step I did and become an alter.

 

I apologize for Aura's wordy reply, but please know that I did not alter any of it after she wrote it. I haven't even read it, actually. Hopefully some of it can help you.

Current System: Ziya (Formerly Einulf), Mizan, Aura, Dark, Lucia, Rand, Jason, Akira

Here's our Tumblr, if anyone wants it

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Hi Einulf and Aura,

Thanks, your opinion helps and I think it's a good idea of what probably happened, but I'm wondering the last part Aura, in saying that after I was created whether consciously or not that he regressed forcing me to take the same step and be the alter, but I think in this case what you mean or what happened was after I was created he regressed forcing me to become the host instead of the alter. Though before that, after I was created, I think in terms of host/alter It was still peter as he was regressing, then at the next manic episode he regressed further becoming the alter or fading further while I became the host. If that makes sense? I'm still trying to ascertain if that's what happened or if it's a defensive mechanism with dissociation in the first episode and ego change, but not two different egos.


I should also add that I found out about the bipolar after the second manic episode where I became host, so it wasn't for the reason to cope with that after the dissociation/first episode, I think you're right about it being spurred by some kind of need or inability to cope with something.

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