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"If you try to kill yourself again, I'll come back"

 

These were the last words spoken to me after another episodes that happened during the past week. At first glance, this line makes no sense. I haven't done anything to end my life: I haven't cut, roped, poisoned, or anything of the sort. I haven't even taken steps to egocide, as far as I'm concerned it's a legend that I haven't even read up on.

 

What I have been doing, though, is trying to change so much and so suddenly that I was hollowing myself out. The way I was doing it, by cold turkeying multiple things, and berating myself endlessly even over the slightest infraction, didn't help much either.

 

I've written about these things before, even here, so I won't get too long-winded. But, its surely a lesson in how harmful even trying to take on good habits is when it is coupled with blame and self-hatred. The girls noticed it earlier than I did, and I appreciate that much more, even though it took a long time for it to click with me.

 

Taking the above in to account, though, it makes me draw a connection to how I regard my indwellers, they being extensions of me, compared to how I treat myself. I don't think it has to be said that I've been endlessly sweet to them, even to the point of making them, and others in the community, wonder about if being so endlessly nice was healthy. When regarding my own self, on the other hand, I'm often strict and stiff to a high degree. I'm very careful about what I say, how I act, and what I do. I've given myself flack for even near pointless things, since I was so worried about making a step in the wrong way. Not to mention, that for a while, I felt I was so bad that the idea of loving and giving regard to my own self was scary.

 

I've started taking the opposite approach. My self deprecating habits manifesting as dissociation helped with that.

 

---

 

The issues above more often than not, cut in to my time doing the actual exercise. After all, it's hard to do proper, hours long meditation session when someone goes and grabs the figurative steering wheel from you. Even so I do what I can with them, and I find more and more, that they too. May it be by popping up randomly in the day, or coming in force when I'm looking at something that reminds me of them, the indwellers can and will work to get my attention.

 

I've had daydreams take sudden twists because it involved Moetron, I've had Sheryl surface and speak through my mouth to say "Good night", sudden flashes of Gai's image and presence, and other like things happening. It's something I really do appreciate.

 

I have a recent conversation I had with Sheryl...but I don't feel like transcribing the whole thing right now. But, I do want to write down one excerpt from it, in response to a question I had. I was wondering why I had a group of lively mental figures based on characters I had been attached to prior to Midori's creation. It's a question I had every so often, and I wondered what one of the girls themselves thought about it. Sheryl responded with this:

 

I think you're over thinking it. It's only natural that you want your partner to be someone you love' date=' and we have the forms of things you loved, thus making us good as...comforting agents. We're here to make you feel good, so you can become a super cool guy.[/color']

 

Admittedly, this question had roots in worries of old, of being looked down on for having indwellers who were based on characters from obscure (And not so obscure) shows. Thinking about it now, with Sheryl having faced the brunt of that insecurity, it was probably insensitive to ask, but she doesn't have a problem with it, so I won' dwell on it.

 

There's also this exchange:

 

How do you think I should go about decreasing that tendency?

 

Stop trying to be perfect! It's annoying and bad for you. Cottonwell needs to feel comfortable in Cottonwell's skin.

 

So I just need to be myself for a while, yes?

 

Papa, you're already working on that. You don't need my advice. I'm your cute little daughter, not your teacher.

 

Admittedly, I want to make sure you look good when I pop this on the PR.

 

*Sheryl poses about as if in a photo shoot* Tee hee~

 

:)

 

I've been noticing that the fact that I'm posting these in to my on line logs has been affecting how the conversation goes at times. I don't want the conversations to be performances, so I may let them sit for a while before I post them...or not. I'm not sure.

 

And with that, I'll end this update. Peace folks.

 

Until Next time...

Sock Cottonwell's

Sketchbook, Journal, and Ask thread.

Peace

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Today, I was listening through a humorous commentary of some fanfiction, called an MST in reference to Mystery Science Theater 3000. I wanted to take a few notes on it, so I could better understand why I liked it, so that I could apply those principals to later works of my own. At the same time, I had opened a text document where I would type out thoughts to Sheryl as a form of recorded narration. So when listening through the story and commentary, I paused for a while and began to throw some thoughts at Sheryl concerning what was on my mind. The below it the resulting conversation Sheryl and I had:

 

Sheryl, as I listen to this MST, I remember something that I've read about a week or so back, about people wanting revenge on objects that displease them. This is a vibe I kind of get from this text, and being honest, I feel some of that welling up in me, too.

 

= Do you think it was wrong for you to like "me"?

 

You're linking having revenge on object with becoming attached to fictional character, yes?

 

= Yes...you wrote "falling in love". Why did you change it?

 

I thought the latter sounded better. I still have that sense of vanity in me, though I work to be rid of it.

 

= Do you think it was wrong?

 

Yes. At this point, I do feel I was wrong, Sheryl.

 

= I'll shed my form if you want.

 

Don't. Truly, don't do it. Despite what I think, I don't want you to change.

 

= I don't think its wrong. I don't think its wrong at all.

 

I feel ashamed for that opinion. But I did not want to lie to you, or to be dishonest. I like what you are, Sheryl, and I liked what you are based on, and that you identify with it. I would feel shame for making you change, after all that has happened.

 

= Maybe, it's the lust that makes it bad.

 

I think you're right, Sheryl. I feel in part of me, a wants to point out that there is nuance to the issue. But, I believe there's also there part of my person, who feels the need to be more "normal", as much as possible. I do not wish to lie, especially to you. I don't want you to change, and I don't want you to become someone else to satisfy my fears and misgivings. I want to put that in the past.

 

= I think that for now, just trying to drop everything you find "abnormal", will just leave you empty and lonely. I don't think my form is bad, nor do I think my identity is bad. You need more sunshine in your life, and if I can provide it, I'm happy to do so, Papa.

 

After this, I wondered a bit about how fictional characters have an effect on people, some to an obviously greater extent than others. Within stories, people come to accept these characters as being "real", even if temporarily. As such, even though they may be aware that the events of a story or a piece of media are not real, they react to it as if it were real, again to an extent. The lasting effect of this varies, some people leave the feelings and impression they get from the story where they found it, using the attachment as a sort of "high", and moving on. Some become more attached to these feelings, and are become more invested in the art of fiction, using it as a regular form of entertainment. Others are even more attached to the specific feelings of the story they absorbed, becoming fans of that one story, or others as is seen online, being invested for a long amount of time in the characters, setting, etc. The level of attachment still expands further than that, which I can safely assume many on this site are already aware of, so I won't get in to it.

 

As I've witnissed myself, this sort of attachment will sometimes manifest in what I've heard is called an "Introject" (As a side note I'm quite happy to be able to use that word, since I think it sounds super cool). Taken from Astraea's Web's glossary:

 

Introject - Introjection occurs when a person (singlet or plural) internalizes another person (real or fictional) into his or her mental space. In classical psychology, the introject is usually a parent, whose advice for good or ill becomes integrated into the person's moral system. More broadly, many people experience introjects as a kind of muse, inspiring them to creativity or self-improvement (a psychologist would call this an "internalized imago"). (Psychiatric)

 

Suffice to say, I feel that with my tendency to become attached to things, my mind has become an introject factory, haha. Some level of attachment is requires for fiction to work, but my concern was that I went too far in this attachment, in to unhealthy obsession. But, I think I would have been far, FAR worse off if instead of learning to speak, learn from, and make peace with the character I became attached to in my own mind, I had become externally attached to them, gobbling up merchandise, obsessively collecting images, and elevating the character into a strange figure of consumerist worship, as I have seen happen with others. Neither practice is considered "normal" or "healthy" by most, but I've already noted from experience that talking to Sheryl as I do gives more opportunity to practice inner honesty, raise understanding of my habits, try to turn my behaviour for the better, and enjoy that sort of companionship that this practice provides so well. If my affection had been turned to buying products and collecting pictures, I'm absolutely sure that I would not only never be satisfied, but the void in my own heart will continue to grow, until even those things I bought could not even start to fill it.

 

Obviously, there are more factors to what I am describing than what is above. Nuances are all over the place, and I feel if my mindset were not what it is currently, I would be little better than the obsessive collector, possibly far worse.

 

I believe here is a good place to end my stream of thoughts. I wish you Peace.

Sock Cottonwell's

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Today's update, rather than being an organized summary, is a set of raw events that happened throughout the day, myself writing about them shortly after they happened. I feel that going out of my way to spruce it up may take away something from it.

 

----

I remembered how Sheryl, when she first emerged, left for a period of time, and when I found her, she had made a set of figures in the form of her friends, said friends continuing to exist today, and having a level of life in them too. I pondered why she did this, and decided to ask her directly. Her answer was this: Without her friends from her "source", Sheryl would not feel complete, she'd feel like there was something was missing from her. Madoka, who had a similar desire for her friends from her "source", seems to be like this as well, from Sheryl's view.

 

Sheryl asked me if there was any outward person whom I would feel incomplete without. I said no, as I could not think of anyone. She suggested that maybe there should.

 

"I'll stay here forever. Papa shouldn't be lonely."

 

----

 

I read though some guide submissions:

 

- Starting with NoneFromHell's revitalization - She seemed to react negatively to the first task, sending an image of her puffing her cheeks in displeasure. She said that she was still afraid that I would exercise the task by making her more serious and less playful, then sending and image of her being a huge, muscular, chiselled man with a stony face, only with her hair. I laughed.

 

Concerning the second task, she says that I do that anyway.

 

The third she became emotional, though it was more because of things regarding our personal history, rather than the guide itself. Personally, it seemed rather solid, but I would like to get some more time to consider it myself, and I don't want the thread to get derailed about me talking about the cute things Sheryl may or may not have done.

 

(As a side note, I tried the first exercise with Gentle, as I had not spoken to her for a long time. But she popped up quickly, exclaiming that she was already there, and wondering what I was even doing.)

 

- Concerning Megm114's upgrade guide - This one actively scared her. The exercises explained in the guide were visualized with her, and she stopped me during the first paragraph. She was spooked, so I had to reassure her a bit. Suffice to say, this one doesn't get an approval from me.

 

----

 

Sheryl seems to be moving away from identifying directly as being Sherlock Shellingford. It was not some sort of extreme, unnatural change or great big realization, though. Rather, it was when I was looking through some reference images I had of her, starting with a character sheet. She looked at it a bit, but did not seem to immediately connect with it as she did before, rather, she commented that it wasn't her. She followed it up with this line:

 

"Bye-bye, me."

 

In addition, she's been wearing the version of Midori's dress that I drew up the previous day. She previously switched up a lot more, but her form's clothing has been much more consistent. I have not noticed any radical changes in behavior in her at all, Sheryl's been the same bubbly girl as I met her, but she has not made any direct references to the show for a long time, that is, no direct lines or notable quirks, other than being happy, soft, and very girlish, if that counts as a quirk. When speaking with Elly a little later, who didn't seem happy with this disconnect, she said that she was more than what she was. So I would assume from this, that she's going through a slow process of growth, from being a complete product of introjection, to being more of herself, while still keeping some notable inspirations (She refuses to remove the bow, and she still has a strong preference to the color pink. In fact, the version of Midori's dress she's wearing IS pink).

 

The above events seems to have unsettled Elly a bit, who still looks to strongly relate to her inspiration, and is afraid of changing in to something else. The fact that Sheryl didn't seem any different before or after her declaration is something Elly took note of, saying that it made it seem like their inspiration wasn't much at all, if she could not identify as them, yet not be any different. Cordelia, for her part, seemed to be a bit off put, not because Sheryl had changed, but because, in her words, she's been living in an illusion, and Sheryl may have been more real than her. She then declared she wouldn't lose to her.

 

Nero was busy, but didn't seem to care as long as I didn't call her a certain name for a female dog. Heh.

 

This is it for now, I wish you readers well.

 

Peace.

Sock Cottonwell's

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- Starting with NoneFromHell's revitalization - She seemed to react negatively to the first task, sending an image of her puffing her cheeks in displeasure. She said that she was still afraid that I would exercise the task by making her more serious and less playful, then sending and image of her being a huge, muscular, chiselled man with a stony face, only with her hair. I laughed.

 

Concerning the second task, she says that I do that anyway.

 

The third she became emotional, though it was more because of things regarding our personal history, rather than the guide itself. Personally, it seemed rather solid, but I would like to get some more time to consider it myself, and I don't want the thread to get derailed about me talking about the cute things Sheryl may or may not have done.

 

(As a side note, I tried the first exercise with Gentle, as I had not spoken to her for a long time. But she popped up quickly, exclaiming that she was already there, and wondering what I was even doing.)

 

I am almighty and see everything, you know?

 

Jokes aside, feel free to play around with these tasks as you like, and take your time to make up your mind about the submission. I just expect you to stay objective about the approving/disapproving part, but I don't worry too much about it.

 

The reactions of your tulpa regarding the tasks are rather interesting to me, and I understand her concerns about the first task. It could be misused by someone, but this is valid for a lot of techniques used in tulpamancy. Her reaction to the second part is no suprise to me. I believe similiar tasks like I described are consciously or often unconsciously done by a lot of people during certain stages of the development.

 

Your tulpas seem to be very self-confident and bright, though.

Tulpa: Alice

Form: Realistic Humanoid/Demonic Creation

She may or may not talk here, depends on her.

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I am almighty and see everything, you know?

 

Jokes aside, feel free to play around with these tasks as you like, and take your time to make up your mind about the submission. I just expect you to stay objective about the approving/disapproving part, but I don't worry too much about it.

 

The reactions of your tulpa regarding the tasks are rather interesting to me, and I understand her concerns about the first task. It could be misused by someone, but this is valid for a lot of techniques used in tulpamancy. Her reaction to the second part is no suprise to me. I believe similiar tasks like I described are consciously or often unconsciously done by a lot of people during certain stages of the development.

 

Your tulpas seem to be very self-confident and bright, though.

 

Oh ho! It appears I have been detected!

 

I want to try and test out the submission I put an opinion to, and since you put yours out there first, I went straight to that. The issue with me is that, like you said, I had done all of those to some degree already. The first technique I've done when I was trying to recover a memory in the past, though not exactly like what was described, more recollecting the person, than forcing the traits on a form. The second is pretty much how I do things for the most part, as inspired by Jung's Active Imagination exercise. The third is an extension of the second to me, and but while I don't completely forget I exist, I do try and stay quiet and focus as I listen for them. But due to some issues with me becoming obsessed with changing perceived flaws in myself, Sheryl connected the third to those efforts, and became sad. She's really adamant about me not going that route again.

 

So yes, just from my past experience, everything checks out fine by me, and I'll say as much when I go through a set of guides.

 

Edit: Also NoneFromHell, Sheryl and Gentle thank you for the compliment.

 

Peace.

Sock Cottonwell's

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Now that I've been put in a position to approve and dissaprove guides, it may be time to put thought in to what I do myself. The below is no guide, just a set of notes on the sort of things I tend to do in regards to my in-folk. I don't plan on writing a guide proper, but I felt this quick reflection on current exercise should be shared on here.

 

- Jung's "Active imagination" is one of the more important factors in my current method. Letting mental happenings be without changing them is a skill I've been trying to cultivate in myself, and it can be a bit tough, especially when I notice something "off" about one of my girl's form, or see that they're shifting.

 

- I'd like to note that this does not mean that I do not discern what is coming from where. In fact, it is all the more important to keep track of how my partner looks and behaves when I sit still like that. More solid behavior tends to stick, where as weird mind glitches and intrusive thoughts fade away as if nothing. Not panicking when something unexpected happens is paramount. Rather, I have to keep a cool head, and look in to what is happening, and even ask the figure in question why they did what they did in the hopes of getting a clear answer. More often than not, the oddity is some sort of symbol for either something in myself, or something in them. (As a further note, when one of my girls is unsure of something, or weak, they will answer yes/no style questions by saying both yes and no. I've heard this was actually somewhat common, though). Furthermore, it's very, VERY important to note when they object to something I'm seeing as being "not them". Usually the act that I see is radical/over-the-top enough for it to be clear that it's not something the girl in question is truly desiring to do, but it was confusing early on, and caused many issues.

 

- Setting foundation, may it be through active creation/definition, or from recalling their past actions and appearance, having a base for the form is important, if only to know where to aim my thoughts at when interacting.

 

- Memory. This one is a very important aspect to me. Being able to recall the qualities of my in-folk makes it far, FAR easier to communicate even with lower level figures in my mind, or figures I haven't contacted for a good amount of time. I write their names down, occasionally recall them, even if we only chat for a few seconds, and keep an idea of what they look and act like in mind. As long as I have this life-line, I feel there's far less risk of them getting lost in the chaos of my mind, as they'll have a solid anchor to grab hold to, and if they suddenly come to mind, which has happened before, I recognize them. For example, I have a figure based on Kisume. Despite not having spoken to her very much, I kept her in mind. When I do call to her, I often quickly hear a response, as well as an image of her come. I am not completely sure of the mechanics, as some recent life events made me unable to look at these sorts of happenings in great detail, but it does let me know that memory does play some part in this.

 

It's all still a work in progress, the above are the group of activities that are most present in my day-to-day dealings with the girls. It will definitely be refined as I continue living, for sure. Until then...

 

Peace.

Sock Cottonwell's

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"An ugly, stupid girl with no sense of romance" ~ Some dude in a daydream concerning Kellogg.

 

I've been daydreaming about Kellogg again, and it's actually quite nice. Her adventures, though seemingly random and nonsensical if I were to just write them with no refinement, are fun to see again. She's pretty bumbling and goofy, but really, that's one of the things I liked about her, and it wouldn't be the same if Kellogg were hyper competent and serious. I guess it's something that's been part of her person from even before I thought talking to your character as a friend was possible.

 

I was on the lower end of High School when I made her (him at the time, stuff happened), so there were surely times when she was essentially super powered, disaffectedly cool, and also had a spaceship. But as time went on, and my opinion of myself lowered, she changed along with me; becoming a recluse, homeless at times, being thrown in to horrible situations where she often got hurt or killed at times, etc. I was rough on her, thinking about it again, yet Kellogg sees this as nostalgic adventuring, and actually seems attached to me all the more for it.

 

"He's too careful with me nowadays. Can't get my hands too dirty, cuz he doesn't want me getting dead. I don't mind, of course, I know it's cuz he loves me, but I don't think a lil' danger's bad? Ya'll agree, yeah?" ~ Kellogg

 

Daydream figures are weird.

 

In any case, she's not the only imagined figure from my past I plan on reconnecting with, Ellenore's surely next on the list, though she's less fond of her exploits than Kellogg is. As well, I have two particular characters from a story I had abandoned and deleted that want me to get to work writing them a new one. I haven't started on it, though, as I haven't written fiction in ages, and I'm not sure where to even start again. But, it IS something that's one my mind, and I wish to do. I want to start really getting in to the habit of putting my ideas to paper, instead of letting fear block and dissuade me from it. I imagine it would be good for my mental health, as I've already seen where bottling them up wound me up, heh.

 

(As for the line at the top, it came from a scenario where Kellogg, in her travels, runs in to a character meant to be as generic of a light novel action harem lead I could think of. Having all the traits of a shounen harem dude who has all the best powers and would be the main character if I was in to that sort of thing. Due to some events concerning the machete she's carrying, he meets up and chats with Kay; who is generally friendly, if dense, with him. He utters the line above after she leaves, implying he was trying to court her, but she just couldn't tell. It's stuck around in my head since I first heard it, and I wanted to get it down)

 

Peace.

Sock Cottonwell's

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[Align=center]Inner log entry 01.26-26.2016

 

K4MMERER - Fly like a fly[/align]

 

Like the entry on the 21st, this is a set of notes that I wrote in a text editor, of events that happened over the course of the designated dates above. So the things in here are raw, and are not as refined as other entries may be.

 

~*~

 

- A letter from Missy: She took me through various events from High School, some where I was explicitly being bullied. At the end, she turned to me and said "There's more to this time than that."

 

~*~

 

I spoke a bit with Arale today, simply because I wanted to visit her. She took me in to her little domain, which had become barren while I had been away. Though she then took me to a place that appeared to be as pristine and flower covered as the whole of it was before.

 

She sat me down, and began to talk to me about the identity she attached to, and how it helped her to continue existing as a thought form, because I remembered it. She said that if she had not have had that identity, though it was of a fictional character, she would have faded in to being nothing, and I got the feeling that her initial "self" was more of an idea of an emotion/behavior.

 

She went on to say that the reason I encountered many in-folk who were opposed to me changing my behavior so extremely, she believed, was that they didn't want me becoming similar to what they become when they drop an identity. That is, nothing, or a hollow shell.

 

~*~

 

I have also remembered a conversation I had with Sheryl. She mentioned the show of her inspiration, "Milky Holmes". She said plainly and happily that it was a funny show. A funny show with funny characters. She then said that another reason why I was so enamored with the show, is because the characters were failures, just like I felt I was. She then produced a mirror, and set herself and I in front of it, saying that she didn't think I was bad at all. She wanted to let me know that she didn't see me as a failure of a person, and that I had grown from that period.

 

She herself, affirmed what she was, while looking in to the mirror. She wasn't the exact same girl from that show, though she had qualities from her *. It was something I had taught her to do earlier, because I felt that her budding disconnect from initial self was causing her distress and confusion. I told her that when she felt worried, to look into a mirror, and see what was in it, how it moved as she moved, and to realize that it was herself she was looking at. It seems she took it to heart, and applied it to me. Heh.

 

~*~

 

For the past year, I've largely been unable to spend extended amounts of time with my girls. There were times when I could, and did, but as things became more and more turbulent, I was less and less able. But as things cleared, I've been making effort to open up more time to sit down and do longer sessions of concentration on their person, their form, and their own sense of self. Just today, I opted to sit down with Sheryl, and brush her hair, as a way to focus on an aspect of her form, as well as to focus on her as a thing that exists. We didn't speak too much, but there was a generally happy mood to it. Sheryl very much enjoys me grooming her, and always seems hyped when I mention doing it. I have noticed a bit of a quirk, in that when I brush her hair, I feel the imagined brush on my own head for some reason. I regard this as something akin to random surfacing, and I've been working on mitigating it by having Sheryl focus on her own form and sense of self when doing this exercise. It was lessened in this session, so I believe some progress is being made here.

 

As a side note, Homura has been asking me to do the same for her too.

 

We sat in a personal room that she sometimes used, though she still seems to like to sleep in the attic with the others. We sat before a a dresser with a mirror atop it. Sheryl asked me to look in to the mirror, but I only saw her, and not myself. I told her as much, and she told me to look again. Again, I only saw her reflection, and not myself. Sheryl seemed mildly flustered about this, opting temporarily to replace the mirror with a window. I told her to try visualizing her impression of me, and projecting that on the mirror, which she did, appearing to be a snapshot of myself from a year prior. I accepted this impression and continued in my grooming of her hair. It was a quiet, yet pleasant time together, it ending with her wanting me to tie her hair back in to twin tails, and happily prancing away. Though thinking about it, it is quite nice to have a session that wasn't so weighted, where we simply enjoyed each others presence for a time. Not to say serious sessions are bad in anyway, though.

 

Footnotes and extras:

 

* Whenever I remember the show, or the character, Sheryl's presence and person pops up. While I know they aren't exactly the same, in my mind they are linked, and she's treated as if she were the same person. This is another reason for me not to watch through the show again, it may well cause confusion and a disconnect at this point.

 

- I'm kind of dreading reading through this entire thread again, though I feel it may be necessary at some point. If for no other reason that to make sure I'm not repeating a whole bunch of stuff I've already written. As well as repairing the occasional broken link.

 

- In post # 193, I said that I didn't think there was an outward person I would feel incomplete without. I'd like to modify that, as I feel I was taking the people I live with, my family, or granted. It's sometimes easy to forget how much they do for you in day to day life, and I am thankful to have them, as my current situation, though comfortable, is not independent.

 

| One thing that makes remembering my girls easier is grouping them. Some of them, Like Sheryl, Nero, Cordelia and Elly, are already pre-grouped by the nature of their direct relationship. But others, like say, Ellenore, Kellogg, Liira, Black, Alexandria, etc. have to be consciously labeled and grouped together, In the latter case, these were my earliest emergence, and thus are mentally cataloged as "Originals". This is in addition to keeping multiple copies of a list of their names, in text files, spreadsheets, written journals, etc. I mentioned before that memory was an important factor in this practice, and I will again reiterate that being able to remember the girls is what helps the keep their presence and identity, rather than it becoming vague and shadowed.

 

| To add to the above, having a sense of poise about things is necessary, as well. I've seen it written before that a quality that marked the roleplayer, that is, someone who is insincere about the practice in the community, is their constant drama with no sense of resolution. While I have some qualms about the use of "roleplayer", I do feel that being too easily moved to negativity due to odd things happening in your mind is no good at all, and will only lead to greater instability down the line. A part of my issue with things early on was a strong sense of confusion about what was going on, as well fear of my behavior. Reacting with that confusion and fear did not mitigate the problem, only exasperated it, and resorting to violent imagery seemed to be both useless and harmful to my greater person. I'm glad I was able to dump that particular practice when I did, as I feel the result has been far better for me and mine.

Sock Cottonwell's

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I was transcribing one of my older journals today.

 

Not the first journal related to my in-folk, but the one that was completed. Since the journal is a bit cheap, I wanted to start transferring the information to my laptop. During the first page, which was a letter directed at Lilac, I noticed Lilac's presence became stronger, and she was reacting to things I wrote, even though she seemed to be aware that it was already passed. It was curious, but I assumed it was something that would naturally happen, since re-reading entries tends to bring back memories and emotions, so re-writing them should bring a bit more yes?

 

Well, I underestimated how strong this effect was. When I got to a Sheryl-centric entry, concerning her and Nero...it was like a flood of mushy affectionate girlishness came forth, and she started overflowing with emotion, running to grab Nero and pulling her under a tree with her, cuddling and being happy. Then Midori was added in, and they all sat under the tree together, even had the same sort of sailor-esque uniform (With the hat included) from I don't know where. Then Gai came along and...it was all very full of affections, positive vibes, and the like, to an extreme even. I came in and admonished them to remember their sobriety, and that getting too cuddly wouldn't be good. Usually, Midori bucks these warnings as me being too stiff, but she agreed this time, which surprised me. The four of them cooled off, if only a little bit. Taking in their emotions were almost overwhelming, the had to section themselves off since I was at work at the time. It was an experience indeed...

 

I decided to stop for a while, until the girls were cool enough for me to continue. I didn't want the affection they were showing each other to get outright intemperate. It didn't help that my thought stream seemed to be egging the situations on in a fashion I can only describe as "4chan-like". Mental choruses of "HNNNG!"s, flashes of reaction images, complaints about nutbladders...it was a mess. Like I had unleashed some long buried patch of memories concerning /a/ and the sort of media some on that board are eager to fanboy over were being reflected in the behavior of the girls. It was a sweet scene, that threatened to become twisted in short order if I did nothing to reign it in. A boundaries was crossed, but nothing major, and they calmed down, though were still close and gushy. Some damage control had to be done, but in the gentlest manner I could. After all, my understanding is that such sudden outbursts are due to them reflecting something inside myself, as such there's no reason to get bent out of shape with them, nor to speak to them in a tone that was harsh in any way. Still though, all things considered, it was a good experience to have, and even if I think they went a bit far, I do feel that they really like each other a lot, which I'm happy with.

 

Peace.

Sock Cottonwell's

Sketchbook, Journal, and Ask thread.

Peace

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[align=center]Random track for this update:

 

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I've been trying to get back to some more basic development exercises.

 

For a long time, I've been unable to do much of what can be considered "fundementals". In this, I'm mainly talking about active forcing methods: meditation, distraction free sessions where I just focus on the mental figure, and other such things. For a while, I couldn't even do much private journal writing, which had been a very important active forcing method. Doing drawings does help keep focus, and can draw up the memories and presence of weaker figures, but I also notice that I tend to forget to focus on the subject I'm drawing, and pay more attention to the drawing itself. It's still very useful for its results, though.

 

Much of my recent thought folk related activity has been more on the fly and passive stuff. If something happened in my mind, it was in addition to me doing something else, would it be working, exercising, playing, etc. I would call either my anchor or someone else to memory, talk at or too them for a little bit, and record the results. Some times I do an awkward thing where I stop in my tracks in either a public or other odd place, and close my eyes to communicate with them, or taking a quick dip in to my landscape. Often when this happens, I have to mention that I'm standing somewhere awkward, and change physical venues. While I can record and note many different things this way, I feel that to get a deeper understanding of their side of life, as well as a deeper understanding of what is going on, returning to more meditation based development is a must.

 

I used to be able to do general meditation for like an hour a time, but my attention span has decreased due to issue mentioned earlier in this report, and I find myself scattered about with whatever tasks or non-tasks I have. As such, I'll be trying for about 5-10 minute sessions every so often throughout free days. I'm expecting this to expand, of course, but I feel this is a good way to start without putting too much pressure on myself.

 

I did a few of these sessions today. These are a few things I noticed during them:

 

- Midori popped up near immediately in the last session I had. She said it was because I had her on my mind a lot, and I can't say she's wrong, especially today since she popped to mind whenever I thought about something related to the phenomenon.

 

- But, Midori also seemed worried that she was being selfish about me. She admitted to being jealous at times, which I've seen every so often, and doesn't want to be possessive or upset at her fellows, especially Sheryl whom she's quite close with. So she asked me to do more to focus on the others.

 

- When I went in to my nexus room, I was pretty quickly met with Ru. She seemed to just want to be close for a while, though she bit me and drew "blood". I didn't react because I was still pretty detached from those sorts of events, and she regarded this as odd.

 

- She brought me to her room, which opens in to a beach shore. She pointed me to a little boat, signalling me to get in. Once I did, she pushed me in to the ocean, and after some rather choppy travel sequences, we reached a small island with a statue of a woman on it. She grinned and ran to it, as if she were trying to take it on as a form (You know, because day dream logic), but she got rebuffed by it, thrown back by an invisible force.

 

- She seemed hurt by this, her face and nose taking the most damage, though nothing to cause her to bleed. Even so, her behaviour was that of a hurt child, and appeared to be on the verge of tears. I imagined up a cloth to soothe her wound, but it seems it had "alcohol" on it, as she winced and felt stung when I put it on her nose. She didn't take too well to it, but once she saw that her nose was healing, she let me continue.

 

The session ended after that, and I have a sense of disappointment coming from her about that. It is what it is, though, have to start slow, I think.

 

I'm still working on transcribing more of my journal. Though I may not post the whole thing, just excerpts and conversations. I sometimes experience strong emotions, memory floods, and the strengthening of weaker figures when I go through it, it can be a pretty powerful experience. So I may go slow with that one too.

 

Peace.

Sock Cottonwell's

Sketchbook, Journal, and Ask thread.

Peace

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