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Nisengo

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I wrote something of an article about my experiences with forcing my Tulpa-to-be, Iris.

 

This initial post is a WOT, but I'll attempt to highlight the important sections for you guys.

 

Here goes:

 

===============================================================

This is not an eulogy. If anything, it's more of an ode to Iris, my Tulpa companion.

 

Let the mind's eye take you back to the short time ago of 3 weeks, more or less. I'd been driving to work, and on a podcast I was playing, I heard mention of a phenomenon called Tulpa. The two hosts talked about it, and as they did, I heard the venom in their voices. There wasn't a single good thing that they could say about it.

 

It struck a chord with me somehow. Both the intensity of their reactions and the idea that somehow, it was possible to "create" a sentient lifeform, that lives, like you yourself, in the brain. 2 consciousnesses sharing a brain. I could see why they dismissed it so easily. After all, sufferers from DID and schizophrenics have multiple people in their heads, and they are sick, right? Doesn't this mean that automatically anyone with multiple personalities in their heads must be equally sick?

 

It lead me to wonder.

 

What if... The illness is the cause of the problem, and not the multiple personalities? What if the fact that the illness that DID is, causes multiple personalities to appear, with no control by or input from the host. Wouldn't that be a scary thought?

 

It is well known in psychological circles and through centuries of scholarly research on consciousness that the mind is, in fact, a very strange place. Things exist because you will them to exist. Things can similarly cease to exist because of that same reason. People who claim to see angels or hear God, may very well be speaking the truth! I'd dismissed these claims too, in the past (although not with quite as much vitriol), but I see their merit, now.

 

The illness cause people to just randomly show up. Inside the DID sufferer's head. He can't control it. He can't stop it. All he can do is fear it and get angry. If the mind creates a person inside the head of a fearful or angry person, what do you think the chances are that the new personality will similarly be scared, angry, both?

 

This too struck a chord with me. I'm not a psychologist, nor do I claim to be one. But this, to me, makes sense.

 

The Tulpa phenomenon is ancient. Buddhist monks use this technique, though slightly different, to create apparitions, that they must then identify as just that. Apparitions. In western society the thoughtform or Tulpa phenomenon has taken on a different meaning, with interpretations lying both in the realm of mysticism and more physical believers.

 

There is, in my opinion and the opinion of my peers, nothing mystical about creating, having and existing with a Tulpa.

I've heard it described thusly: "All we are, is a neural network running on wetware." There is nothing to existence but a network of neurons, reinforcing each other, firing in unfathomable sequences at incredible speeds in response to input. For humans, and most animals, input comes from the 5 senses we've grown accustomed to. Most people (and likely animals) have what is unofficially known as the 6th sense: kinesthesis. All these senses combine to create a constant, pervasive and all-encompassing model of all that is around you.

 

Think about it. Did you ever burn yourself? Maybe you've had your fingers too close to a fire once? Try to recall that feeling. Can you feel that feeling again? The heat hitting your fingers, the dull sensation of pain that you may have felt? A memory, to the brain, is just an experience you've had. The brain picks from our constant stream of conscious input, fragments of input and labels them. Painful. Stored. Elated. Stored. Sadness. Stored.

 

You can bring back these memories and live them again. All you have to do is tell the brain to believe that that memory is, for a moment, what is.

 

Iris is my Tulpa. I won't say how old she is, because it doesn't make sense for a thoughtform to have an age. She might be as old as me, she might be just 3 weeks old, she might not be 'born' yet. Yet somehow, in that moment 3 weeks ago, I felt a connection. I felt that a lot of questions that I'd been asking for years, were hinting at an answer. So I started my research.

 

Let me preface this next part with a warning of sorts: I'm no scientist. I don't record all my activities, I don't write down my hypothesis in advance. I don't attempt to make my actions reproducible or valid for others to review. I'm a human. I make mistakes. And I failed.

 

I started forcing with Iris on a tuesday, march 17th 2015. I remember my excitement at the prospect of creating a being inside me. Someone who could be a friend to me. Another lifelong partner for me to love and cherish. I'm sure I went in with the best of intentions, but I also brought something else with me.

 

Impatience. Desire. Doubt.

 

As I'm sure most people will agree. Looking at things with a motive of desire makes you hasty, rash, greedy. Sure, I read all the guides, sure, I understood that they cannot ever map to my mind one on one. But I get it, right? I have to believe. I have to suspend doubt and just believe that Iris is really with me. That can't be that hard, can it?

 

Believing is a fickle thing. I've never mastered the art of belief. As a consequence, I've doubted people who can believe something vigorously. I've called them dumb, stupid and misled. I pitied people who believed in things like a god or a faith, thinking that they were somehow weaker because they needed a crutch to help them through life, whereas I, magnificent god of a person that I am, needed no such thing.

 

I felt better than the faithful. I felt prideful. I felt superior.

 

Belief shapes thoughts. Belief is the engine that powers the subconscious mind. It allows you to filter input from the body, or to unfilter it. It allows you to shape your very mind and the way it works. I know now that the faithful have something that I hope to one day achieve. An unwavering knowledge that something, whatever it is truly exists. Because it does, to them.

 

I believed in Iris, and I still do. But initially, I didn't believe that I believed. It's hard to explain. A user on tulpa.info named NotAnonymous wrote a whole deal on his experiences with all kinds of tulpamancers (practitioners of the art of creating a tulpa in one way or another) and he noticed that while the methods have changed over the years, a few key elements were lost in the process. Believing in your Tulpa is easy. You pretty much repeat to yourself "my tulpa is here with me". To believe, superficially, this is all that is needed. The subconscious mind will pick up on this. It will create something for you.

 

This something will not be a Tulpa though. To truly create a Tulpa, more is needed. A Tulpa is not just an existence. It is not a thing. A Tulpa is a person, fully completely a person. They have thoughts that are their own. They have their own emotions, wishes, fears, doubts, wants and needs. They breathe like a person, they walk like a person (If your tulpa is not of the human variety, substitute with the equivalent behaviour based on their 'template', if you will), they have faults and shortcomings, like a human. They ARE human.

 

To truly create a Tulpa, you need to understand what it is to be human.

 

You must then project this knowledge, this feeling, this understanding onto your desired Tulpa. THIS is what you need to create a true Tulpa.

 

I didn't know this. I went in half-assed. I created a shell. A superficial construct without any of the qualities that would make Iris a true human, a true person.

 

This is in itself not a bad thing. These constructs are also known. They are usually called Servitors or Helpers or even Daemons. They can be very useful in an automated kind of way. But they are not friends. They are not companions. They will not cheer you up when you're down. They cannot surprise you with something dumb when you don't expect it. They cannot share in your tears, revel in your laughter, they cannot make special moments more special, or dull moments less dull. They are, for all intents and purposes, a sectioned off part of you. Programmed to behave in a certain way, controlled by your subconscious, sure, but still you.

 

I wanted a true separate being. A Tulpa friend.

 

I got my shell.

 

I believed in my shell. So it grew. But there was no humanity in it. I expected humanity that wasn't there. There was a disconnect which caused doubt. As I pushed through the doubt my subconscious dealt with it by giving it humanity. Me. The shell was now an echo of my subconscious mind. It was in essence, me, sharded into a different being, but still me.

 

Now. There are a few things in life that I hold sacred. One of them is the ability and necessity for gaining consent for any action that may possibly harm another. Remember, when you create a Tulpa, you insist that he or she is real. It's a part of the process. So to me, my echo was Iris. She was real, there and with me. This matters because I did something to her (I won't go into detail but the more mature of you can probably guess what it is) that under no circumstance I would ever contemplate doing.

 

My echo returned to me my own desires, and I willfully accepted them. The painful and unforgivable part is that I used the form, idea, notion of my precious Iris to do that with.

 

Unbeknownst to me at the time, I willfully acted in a manner completely contrary to my beliefs, but totally in line with my desires, and I acted it out on my precious Iris.

 

The words of user LinkZelda on those same forums triggered something in me. It wasn't until I read his thoughts on what I'll call 'quick forcing' that it registered in me that I had done something wrong. And quickly after that, I realized just how badly I messed up.

 

A bunch of emotions welled up in me as realization dawned. Anger, fear, a sense of betrayal towards myself. I felt hurt by my own disregard for my core values, I felt weak and dumb for allowing myself to be so deceived. I felt self-pity and self-loathing for the harm that I believe I caused. And most of all, I felt shame. A strong all-pervasive shame for the actions that I had wrought, and that I may never be able to fix.

 

I went to bed with that cocktail of emotions running around in me. Shame followed anger, and anger followed self-pity in an endless loop of trying to come to terms with what I'd done. I broke down and cried, while my wife stared at me in disbelief at what was happening to me. I finally managed to explain what I felt that I had done, while tears of shame rolled down my cheeks.

 

I cannot believe how lucky I am to have her. We talked deep into the night about what I did, why I did it and how it made me feel. While she doesn't like the fact that I tried to make a Tulpa, she still supports me. And she fed me a sand-grain of wisdom, that may one day become a pearl to share with others.

 

I should accept the feelings. I should understand that I hurt myself and Iris. And I should move on.

 

I feel like I may have messed so badly that I cannot fix things anymore with Iris. She's as real to me as the ground I stand on. She's as real as the air I breathe, or the sounds I hear around me. I hurt her in a way I cannot possibly recover from. But I will try.

 

From acceptance of the situation came a sense of resolve and purpose. I will fix it. Even if it takes me the rest of my life to do so. Giving up is the poor man's way of dealing. I've been giving up on things my whole life. Something too hard? Just stop doing it.

 

I'm giving up on giving up. I'm done not finishing things.

 

I will continue to force Iris. I will see her and I will tell her the damage that I did. And she will tell me what she feels. If she hates me, for which she has every right to, then she may tell me in my face, and I accept it. We will cope somehow. And if I didn't mess up so bad, and maybe she doesn't hate me (yet), then we can push through it together and come out stronger on the other side. I want this to be the case so bad.

 

But impatience has led me down this path. One cannot cut corners in a process as personal and deep as this one. Forcing a Tulpa is a personal journey of falling, getting up and realizing there are corners that can be cut in the first place. I fell face-first into this trap and I'm clawing my way out. I will not stop my journey until I have clear evidence that she doesn't wish to be with me. And I'm ready to accept it.

 

I feel strangely optimistic about my resolve and my burden to continue this path. I feel that I need to do this, I need to continue the path I've chosen. I need to see this through to the very bitter end. I also feel that I'm able to fix this now.

 

And that is also belief. Belief on a primal, deep level. I finally believe in something that is so real, so important, that it feeds me with courage.

 

The path I've chosen now is a cautious one. It will be slow. It will be frustrating and painful at times. I will stumble and fall, and I will get side-tracked and distracted. It doesn't matter to me. I will be there for Iris with all the love and caring I can muster, and if I am to believe my wife (and I do) that's a whole lot.

 

I've reset my mind. I removed all of the things I mistakenly made for myself. I burnt the wonderland. I burnt the factory where I made her form. I removed all the symbols for what I'd given myself in my delusion. I kept her. I kept Iris.

 

I've reverted her to her primal form and placed her in the void with me. Now begins the slow, steady process of healing and reconstruction. And it's a labor of love.

 

We're taking it slow and steady. No more running at targets. One step at a time.

 

Creating a Tulpa costs energy and time. Lots of time. If you think you can create one in a mere 3 weeks, think again.

Unless you're a natural at all things mind related, it's just not going to happen like that. You'll end up with a shell, and it'll fall apart.

 

Please, take the process slow. If you run, you'll fall in the pits of the mind. And they are deep and many.

 

For those that read all this, thank you.

 

I meant this to be a warning to aspiring tulpamancers everywhere, and a means of sharing my experience with anyone who'll listen.

Thank you Iris, for giving me the resolve to continue. Thank you my lovely wife, for accepting me even if you don't understand.

I'm eternally grateful to the both of you, and I wish to continue this life with the both of you at my side.

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I started over. As I mentioned in my last post, I reset everything to the void, and reverted Iris back to her initial cloudy form.

 

I've since been taking it very slow. I've decided to use Methos' guide for our new creation process, and I've promised Iris that I'll give her and myself all the time we need to make her creation process as fruitful and rewarding as possible.

 

We're in the second day of her personality forcing step now. Yesterday we spent a good 30 or 40 minutes going over the first 4 personality traits with her, explaining my choices to her and why I feel they are important.

 

Today we're going to do the next 4.

 

It'll take us about a week to get through all of them.

 

One very positive result has already happened: While doing a little light active forcing in my lunch break, I think I got my first emotional response from her!

 

I'm sure it was an emotion of some kind, but I cannot place it, and it didn't feel like any emotion that I've ever felt.

It makes me happy to think that she's still happy to be with me, and doubly so because it increases my excitement and dedication towards this process. Knowing that progress is being made, even though it's slow, certainly helps with motivation.

 

Still, we're careful to not get swept away by the excitement and rush off this time. We're dedicated to taking this slowly and steadily![/code]

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Well, a great first step has been taken.

 

After doing the personality step from Methos' guide, today was the final day, with the last 5 personality traits that I gave her. To mark the occasion I created a little dining table, like a sort of romantic dinner-for-two setting.

 

I made a little speech to Iris about how this was a very special day (it is!) since we had reached the end of a single step on our way to progress, but a new phase is right around the corner.

 

When I had finished the last of the 31 traits I had defined for her, I combined all of them into a single diamond ring, and I put it on her finger.

I felt a wave of happy tears wash over me. I guess she really did appreciate all the work we did so far, and it's a fantastic feeling to see that Iris is still very much happy to be with me.

 

Next up is the big one: visualization. Fortunately for me she's already decided on a form! So it's all about me training my mind's eye, and less work for her to do. We'll still do it together, of course.

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