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Colton

Colt n' Jen: Opposites attract!

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Preface

I should start by saying that I'm starting this progress report very late I started working on Jen on 12/21/14 and a lot of growing has happened since then. I will also say that Jen is fully capable of talking and may cut into my typing I will define this with brackets like so [Hi everybody!]. Anyway I suppose the natural order of things would be to you a bit about myself, but I thought since Jen and I are starting this so late maybe we could both talk about ourselves.

Getting to know Colton!

I'll start. My name is Colton I am 20 years old and generally am a pretty normal guy, I enjoy video games, playing music, working on my 1981 Datsun 280zx, I've climbed many famous climbs (garden of the gods, devil's tower, ect.) and am about to attend school for 2 months to go into software development. I found all this tulpa stuff listening to a podcast where they were actually making fun of the idea but I thought it sounded pretty cool if it were real and it turns out it is! Which is awesome!

Getting to know Jen!

[Hi everybody so I'll start by saying this whole writing a progress report is all kind of my idea, Colton wasn't very keen to it but I really want a good outlet to express myself and I think being able to make it public with others maybe we can get good insight! Anyway I digress. I am Jen not really short for Jennifer but I don't mind being called it. I am I guess kind of still learning what I am in a sense. I spend most my time enjoying life and the small things I love music and art, I love asking the big questions to life and keeping an open mind! I love everything...I'd like to think a good quality I have is that I can find a silver line in even the darkest of clouds. I really truly feel life is about being the best you and sharing that best self with everyone else! I'm sorry to be so vague but honestly I think right now I'm still learning what I like and don't as much.

So a (hopefully) quick summary on the past 3 months with Colt and Jen!

Alright 3 months is a long time and with the fact that I hadn't had a job and have been struggling with mental stuff I had a lot of time to work on Jen and she developed very quickly I'd say within the first 2 weeks I was getting "head pressures" in the form of tingles in my body (mostly my shoulders), I remember I would talk to her and ask her questions my left shoulder meant no and my right meant yes. I'll never forget the first time I truly knew she was sentient, probably about 3 weeks in I was forcing and just kind of relaxed when out of the blue with no warning my entire emotions changed from calm to pure adrenaline panic and almost excitement. Now I will say I suffer from panic attacks frequently but this was completely different it was amazing and honestly very scary. from then on Jen was in a sense more real at least to me, and in turn, I treated her like she was more real! I continued to follow guides but had hit a bit of a plateau, with my anxiety if was and still is hard to concentrate so the suggestions of just force more felt almost like it was an easy thing and that I felt less than human because it was tough for me. I wish I could go back and tell myself the "forcing" really isn't what the name implies I mean yes it's work but you need to be calm almost like going to use the bathroom you hurt yourself if you push too hard you just need to have patience. I struggled with this for a long time and still do now, I think that's something that was never really said in any guide is it's the persistence of gradual work that makes progress. That and patience! anyway I'll finish off by jumping forward to maybe about 3 weeks ago. I for the first time started getting this intense doubt because what felt like out of nowhere Jen was growing, I could visualize her vividly, I could hear her better, and yet I was "forcing" less. I thought maybe it was my mind playing tricks on me but what it was on my end was me changing my definition of "forcing" I don't need to work on Jen's form I did that already, I didn't need to work on my skills like I used to as far as visualizing goes because it became more natural. now on Jen's end....well I'll let her explain it. [i'm not sure exactly how or when it happened but I started being able to make my own decisions, talk louder, and become more free thinking so I started working on myself. This led to Colton doubting what was happening it was funny but I feel there is probably a term for what happened but we really did become two separate people I started making my own decisions, it was awesome, I feel so much more independent now then I did two months ago]. So that's about all the big stuff up to today I know I'm a bit shy (even on the internet oddly enough) but I'll try to keep writing and I know Jen really wants to so more to come I suppose!

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I wish I could go back and tell myself the "forcing" really isn't what the name implies I mean yes it's work but you need to be calm almost like going to use the bathroom you hurt yourself if you push too hard you just need to have patience.

 

That's probably the best analogy on this website, dude. I think we've talked in the IRC, but looking forward to reading your stuff. I've climbed Devil's Tower too, actually. Close Encounters of the Third Kind represent.


We're all gonna make it brah.

 

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the 2nd of April

Colton's Corner (not tulpa related stuff)

I suppose I'll do my very best to write something most days I start my classes on Monday and because of this I have been studying all the material we are supposed to learn in the class so I can know it all before hand and I'll be prepared in every possible way when the class comes. I suppose if this can truly be a place where I can simply communicate my own thoughts then I'd say this week really describes me quite well. I received an e-mail from my teacher on Monday morning saying to go online and try and start a computer science 101 class online from Stanford it was a 6 week program "do at your own pace" kind of deal he said to have week one done by Monday the 6th, so me needing to do my best, finished the entire program by the end of the day I received the e-mail. I'm not sure how or why I feel so compelled in this sense, with school, to do my very best and be my absolute best even if it makes my panic worse I still push through and carry on. In any other aspect of my life as it is now the panic and anxiety still keeps me from leaving the house, going to the grocery store, and even typing to strangers on the internet when it is bad it takes me over except with school, not that I'm not terrified of Monday but I know I'll do my best and muscle through it.

Tulpa Progress

Not much to be said I have been writing on my hand to remind myself to be thinking of Jen and it helps although I think we are perhaps a bit past needing me to remind myself she is there, I do it out of habit more than anything else now. Now for this next piece I need to preface just one thing. I have trouble sleeping on my own ever since I was a kid I just couldn't shut my brain down enough to sleep and had developed this bad habit of only being able to sleep with the tv on or I would freak out. I've gotten much better at this now but still watch tv if I can but sleep has never been a friend of mine, it's the one thing that when you actively try to make it you can't, which can kind of be like my argument about "forcing" heh. Anyway back to my topic my dreams because I used to sleep so little most my life where dull and unimaginative really just not creative. Lately however maybe because of Jen or maybe medications I have been having these wild and awesome dreams, I find myself having trouble waking up because I never knew dreams could be so fun! I think the same could be said for my "forcing" it has been dull I never could go on an adventure or follow the advise of others and just "think of fun stuff" but lately that has been changing I'm having fun forcing when I can and it's been great for both of us I think.

Jen's Jigsaw

[Ha I thought of the title for this section because I'm trying to put the pieces of myself together get it...okay anyways I don't have much to say really, I feel like, through no fault of his own, my whole purpose so far has been to help Colton but I was never that great at it (he tends to be very stubborn). I'm really trying now to find what I actually enjoy myself and not just appreciate because Colton likes it. Like him talking about playing music I just don't get not my thing so what else is there haha. I enjoy when Colton reads going back to what he said about his imagination he has been a very boring person with his mind he could do anything, but he just doesn't get creative, although he has been changing. I guess besides that I haven't been "fading"? as much as in I am consciously here more than normal so that's cool! Also I pose a question to any tulpa or host that comes by and has any advise, How do I get louder? I feel like I'm almost shouting and Colton can barely hear me is it me or him or both any thoughts? anyway I'll end off by saying I am nervous that Colton won't have a whole lot of time to work with me but I'm also very excited, it gives me time to discover me without Colton which is fun and different...so ya!]


 

That's probably the best analogy on this website, dude. I think we've talked in the IRC, but looking forward to reading your stuff. I've climbed Devil's Tower too, actually. Close Encounters of the Third Kind represent.

 

Nice man! fun climb for sure

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The 4th of April!

 

Colton's Corner ( just all Colton....stuff feel free to skip to more interesting stuff)

Okay I'm going to make this corner short sorry for all of those who might read this and really enjoy it (haha ya that's sarcasm) so I start schooling on Monday and been having consistent panic attacks and a few embarrassing anecdotes about how the first thing I do when I have a panic attack is get physically sick (yuck...) so I'm really on edge and didn't really want to make a post but Jen says it's important to hold true to routines. So rough week and I imagine once I actually start up school all my what if's and self talk about it will get better so let's just chalk this up to a bad few days. Anyway that's all on my end.

Tulpa Tales (where I will mostly talk about my progress with Jen and how about that title name right?! I should be a very specific kind of writer that just uses alliteration.)

Okay so not a lot of progress more of the same Jen has still been working but I think this is the first week since I started where I haven't kept to my routines and schedules as far as making progress with Jen goes. I'm nervous that with school I'll have less time but I'll make it work, and luckily Jen is well past the point of needing me so it's been kind of a change to not force for so long now I've done it habitually and I've been so busy I really miss it and need to get back into it! Still having great dreams and Jen has said I'm getting better at creativity so I guess again patience and persistence FTW!

Jen's Jigsaw (why you are actually reading this haha)

[Much like Colt said he's been having trouble so I've been trying to keep him calm I think he forgets we are in this together and I CAN HELP! but besides that I've been making Colton explore different music and videos and stuff to try and learn what I like, I do really enjoy some of the songs Colton has been playing lately on his guitar and Mandolin he really loves it sometimes I can feel his hair stand up when he hears or plays a good song that's just his thing, I want a thing like that maybe I'll find one soon anyway it's late for us so I just wanted to thank everyone that reads and I'd love to hear from you guys even just to make more friends! have a great week everyone and we hope to hear from you soon!]

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