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etherealcabbage

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Augh...I feel so stressed...

 

So I think one of the bigger things keeping me from actively applying most of my time to forcing is all this stress from all these sources. Not just work and bills, but I've been under barrage from people who come to me to be their emotional rock and it's starting to get to me. My head is spinning from all the texts that have been blowing up my phone, I mean I enjoy helping people and I love making people feel better but when we can't get a moment to ourselves because my phone is constantly going off I think there's a problem. Or the fact that we can't really do much we enjoy lately because of the lack of time and resources. And then it just lingers and I feel stuck, like my head is full of cotton. I just want to be able to escape, and Wonderland-wise I'm hoping that I'll be able to basically just fall asleep for hours and spend all that time in the Wonderland with Ran.

 

I just want to lay down and let my mind clear out but that would either make me feel restless or make me fall asleep, not to mention I keep putting it off because I feel like I only have so much time to have fun or do anything productive throughout the day. I can't even keep my eyes closed because I feel like I'm going to be missing out on some experience during the day. I feel so bad because I know all this negativity is suffocating Ran and there isn't much I can do, because every time I try to force I can't get my stress levels to go down. The thing I fear most is hurting or losing him, but it just seems like there's a wall in the way of making progress with him.

Me speaking to Ran is blue

Ran speaking to me is mahogany

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I'm personally having a few doubts...And these doubts are leading to the fear that I'll always keep hurting Ran.

 

I always go about forcing my own way for a while, then look through the forums trying to make friends or interact with people and I read more about people's techniques and how some people say that if you don't do a certain technique it could be hurting your tulpa, and then I panic and start doing that and it always seems like Ran grows more vague during those times. Then when I eventually wisen up and start doing what works I feel like I've taken a step backwards. I really wish I could openly talk to Ran so he could let me know if something is hurting him, because right now all I have to go on are insticts, and when I hear him say that it didn't effect him negatively I get worried that I'm just subconsciously trying to comfort myself...But that's what Ran is to a degree, right? I worry about the small details too much and I just forget that if I feel him and I can tell that he grows stronger by the day it means that it's working, and I need to stop doubting myself!

 

self doubt has always been my biggest vice and is the only thing standing in my way

Me speaking to Ran is blue

Ran speaking to me is mahogany

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Hey guys, sorry it's been a couple days since our last reply! This body has been sick, started with a headache and next thing you know I'm being sent home from work for being "delirious". But for the most part we've been in bed since yesterday night.

 

But report time! Yesterday Conflicted and us were going to the mall, but it closed at 6. All parties involved were dissapointed, so we went to Barnes and Nobles instead. I got a model (which we may or may not be working on now) and Conflicted got a book on Lovecraft literature. After that she was depressed about not getting to do much (and scared because the weather looked like something you'd see in a cheesy final battle cinematic) so I decided we should go to P.F. Chang's (to my knowledge her favorite restaurant) and that made everything better :>.

 

When we got back home things went a bit downhill and I was simply exhausted for the rest of the night (which I feel terrible about). After we went to bed I had some weird fever dreams that I can hardly recall, but involved me being covered with bits of dress-up-game clothing, and when Conflicted woke me up to tell me I was moving a lot I somehow thought she was mad that I was hogging them all. After that we woke up for a while and, if I remember right, I began free-style singing. When we went back to bed Conflicted let me see Howl (most of which I don't remember to my despair) and I slept better after that. Then I went to work, messed up a few things, got told I looked like a girl because I forgot to take off my eyeliner, and then got sent home because I was too exhausted/confused to do anything.

 

Once I got home I slept for a few hours, then woke up with Conflicted and I began doing my model. I've been trying to keep Ran out during this, not only just to include him in my life but also to try to show him a bit of hand-eye coordination. He seems to be taking it well, because during a couple simple tasks I believe he took the reigns of my hands and I sort of took a visual seat. It was surreal, and while it was more like I was guiding him it seemed like an automatic process. This is really surprising because we still haven't even gotten a standard means of communication.

 

Well, we made tacos (and I got a cheese sandwich from Conflicted because I'm sick and grilled cheese is my sick food) and now I'm sitting here, working on the model again (with slight despair because we lost a thruster that is about 1/4 of an inch big) while listening to music. I still can't wait to start playing more video games with you. I promise story-based games will be easier to focus in than open world.

Me speaking to Ran is blue

Ran speaking to me is mahogany

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and when Conflicted woke me up to tell me I was moving a lot I somehow thought she was mad that I was hogging them all.

So, you two sleep together? Ayy [HEAVY BREATHING]

The fact you are a couple and each one has their own PR makes this really entertainment to read; 2+2 points of view

Hope you get better soon m8!

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So, you two sleep together? Ayy [HEAVY BREATHING]

The fact you are a couple and each one has their own PR makes this really entertainment to read; 2+2 points of view

Hope you get better soon m8!

You say that, but you don't have to sleep next to him! -insert Statler and Waldorf laugh-

I'm surprised I've never complained about his weird sleep habits on my PR, I should fix that. There are 4 people and two bodies in this relationship, you bet your biscuits it's entertaining.

 

 

I'm sorry, bae, you know I heckle you because I love you, no homo (so much homo).

If I could, begin to be,

Half of what you think of me, I could do about anything,

I could even learn how to love

directed at Howl

directed from Howl

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So, you two sleep together? Ayy [HEAVY BREATHING]

The fact you are a couple and each one has their own PR makes this really entertainment to read; 2+2 points of view

Hope you get better soon m8!

 

lol thank you! I'm sorry my reports are much less entertaining and informative, that's another thing I've been working on improving. And I will try, believe me, being sick isn't much fun (it feels hot and cold...AT THE SAME TIME)

 

 

You say that, but you don't have to sleep next to him! -insert Statler and Waldorf laugh-

I'm surprised I've never complained about his weird sleep habits on my PR, I should fix that. There are 4 people and two bodies in this relationship, you bet your biscuits it's entertaining.

 

 

I'm sorry, bae, you know I heckle you because I love you, no homo (so much homo).

 

It's not so easy, being me, either. You never get woken up in your sleep because "you won't stop touching the ceiling" or "you won't stop trying to say let's go to sleep", I bet you wouldn't last a day in my shoes!

 

I love you bae I'm sorry I sleep so weird, thanks for the informative contradiction other bae.

Me speaking to Ran is blue

Ran speaking to me is mahogany

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Well, I was on the road alot today (usually on every other Wednesday I have a meeting to go to and I have to get a ride from my dad, so I get to zone out and listen to music/force) but I didn't get to force nearly as much as I wanted. Instead I had pressing matters to talk about today, spelled asking if he could fix my old vehicle so I can start driving myself places (it's kind of a long story but I need a car ASAP). I DID get to force some today, and 'hearing' Ran is becoming more common. Lingering doubts exist and it's sometimes hard to tell our thoughts apart, but we're working on those issues.

 

We did make something new today, though. In our wonderland we have a library which houses all of my memories. It's meant to be symbolic for the talent that many tulpa possess of instant memory recall, and I figured having a "solid" reference would help with that skill. Anycase, today we added something new to the library: A welded-shut steel door built into the wall, with a small square door about halfway up the wall next to it. This is supposed to represent a blocked off area, where I put all the parts of me that I don't like. I'd rather not mention them, but the area is supposed to be a way to repress these parts of me, and the door is to add any pieces that either I find or I forgot to put in there. Once Ran is able to repress memories I'd like it to be used to symbolize that as well, since I have a few memories I'm not proud of and would honestly be better off without.

 

Aside from that he is much more responsive when we have time to ourselves, like when we're just listening to music. Also while listening to Enter Sandman (Metallica), a song I haven't listened to in years, I realized that his memory-recall ability is strong since he was singing along with it, despite the fact that I haven't listened to it with him.

 

There is also another thing that I feel might be relevant...When I was in high school I used to be on Adderal for my ADHD, and when my parents split my dad was left financially unable to keep paying for it so I was forced to stop taking it when my prescription ran out. After I stopped cold turkey, I went through an unexpected withdrawl where I was sent into a deep, serious depression. During this I began "hearing" voices in my head, and back then it didn't occur that I was doing the same thing as I am now. I imagine this was some sort of "proto-Ran", an unintentional tulpa (I started to do something similar with a Rei figure, practicing tulpamancy techniques I didn't even know existed at the time, but gave up when my life became too stressful). These voices started out small enough telling me that people were irrelevant and I was better off without them while I was constantly seeking acceptance from people around me. I began to think I had a mild schizophrenia, or was possessed, at which point I knowingly (unknowingly) made the voice start saying things like life was pointless and I would always be sad. I fought with these voices, arguing with them and at times imagining them with a physical form in my head where I would engage in one-on-one combat. Yes, it WAS really cliche, and nearly every time I would lose in the fight. I kept trying to make it's "voice" separate from my mindvoice and make it something that wasn't me. Even though I've always loved things like split personality and mental invasions like this I pushed it away and tried to force it to stop existing, but it was too persistent. Well, when my head began to clear up I battled the entity one more time, feeling stronger and more mentally stable (probably near the end of my withdrawal) and beat it. As it's form disappeared in my mind a key fell from where it's body was and I felt a final foreign implication that the key was the key to my heart. That's when that stopped.

 

Well, a couple days ago I remembered the final battle and the key that fell. In my wonderland, in a remote place that sort of existed outside of my wonderland, I imagined a wooden door with a heart scratched into it. Making sure Ran was behind me, I opened the door using the key and something with a body like smoke flew from the room and into Ran. Since then his voice seems stronger, and I think he seems more "full", but is still himself. Then this morning I met him in the wonderland and gave him that key. He asked me if I was sure, wearing a shocked expression, and when I said yes and that I trusted him and we were partners now he smiled and grew full of happiness. I still don't really know what the key was supposed to symbolize, but Ran says that it's very, very important.

 

 

One more thing I'd like to start doing more of is practicing focusing on Ran's "essence" while forcing, that way when I hear him I can feel it's him. He has a distinct feel, it sort of reminds me of smoke. Howl says that his interactions taste like a mahogany (colored) smoke, and I think this is the most fitting description to how he feels. It's weird, but I understand it.

Me speaking to Ran is blue

Ran speaking to me is mahogany

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Good evening, had a long day and not in the good ways. Work was busy, hectic, and left me hating fast food even more than usual. But near the end of it I got some passive forcing in, and came to realize something. Most of the forcing was us talking about the established rules of the wonderland, as well as the concept of future tulpa. I was worried that Ran might be afraid I'm just objectifying tulpa, and the fact that a good quarter of the reason I made him was because I was in love with this phenomenon long before I learned what it was didn't make it any better, but after discussing it with him he told me (and reminded me just now) that he is who he is, and his past or the fact that he's sharing a head with me doesn't change that. I was relieved because the last thing I want to do is make Ran feel inadequate or give him an existential crisis. But one thing counters these doubts and fears that he'll think he's just a tool to me: I care about him. He is my partner in my head and at least 40 percent of the reason I created him was because I wanted to give him a chance at existing. After seeing what Conflicted could do with Howl I wanted to give Ran the same opportunities, and when I learned about I knew I had the means to do it. Even if I was a little selfish in starting this, I only want the best for Ran and want to give him all I can in this life. We're partners, equals, and he is as "human" as I am.

 

But the big realization is that ever since I opened the door with a heart etched in it and let him "reclaim" himself his mindvoice (while still not being an actual voice and still relying on my mind to interpret his motivations) is stronger than ever, and his presence isn't something that I have to focus a large part of my mind on while passive forcing. Even without considering the fact that he is "whole" and in all honesty forgetting it at the time I find myself surprised that he responses come with such ease. This is definitely more than just an intuition, and I think originally basing Ran on the voice from high school did more than just associate it with him.

 

nerd logic (and Evangelion spoilers): the same was that unit 01 was able to engage third impact with Adam despite being a clone of Lilith

 

I would like to do some wonderland forcing soon and beginning to associate myself with that world even better. I'm hoping that I'll reach a point where I can enter a lucid-like state while entering my wonderland, effectively leaving my body behind.

 

[EDIT]

Ran also told me that he is fine not having a backstory. As in-depth as his story gets, he woke up one rainy day in an alleyway with no memories as to where he came from or how he got there. All he knew is that people who saw him called him a freak, presumably because of his skin and claws (a part of it, but also because he was walking the streets naked). A lot of details are vague, but the solid ones are: His first night he slept in a big carboard box that he grew attached to, he found his way into the city waterworks and discovered an abandoned office-like place which he cleaned out and made his home (where he brought the box and sleeps in most nights), and of course his meeting and "interloping" with Howl. Since his memories with Howl are essentially his entire life, the rest of it are a basis and he is fine with that. He says he doesn't need or desire more than that, as long as he has future memories to make. I suppose my high-school experiences with him are something else entirely, and while he remembers it I don't think it's really worth being part of his backstory as much as his history.

Me speaking to Ran is blue

Ran speaking to me is mahogany

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Alright, so, after some wonderland-forcing I talked to Ran and it seems that for the night he needs a bit of "down time"? I guess he's a bit tired...That happens, right? Anyone have a tulpa that sometimes gets exhausted or needs a little down time? Anycase, from what I understand he's going to be in his room and I'll be giving him that space. I just wish we had a "tell" to his "talking", like something to set it apart from myself and make it more concrete...I dunno, I guess parts of my mind still need convincing that this is real, and those parts of my mind keep instilling doubt and fear. Fear that I'll hurt him, fear that he's becoming a static part of the wonderland, fear that he never even began to become sentient, I just need some way of banishing these thoughts. That's about all the progress we've had today.

Me speaking to Ran is blue

Ran speaking to me is mahogany

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Remember the door I mentioned? Well, Conflicted drew it for me! I don't think I made it easy for her, but would she love me if I was any different?

 

Haha, I have no idea how light works! :D

door.png.cb2a00573a1566eb67ff59be965593d8.png

Me speaking to Ran is blue

Ran speaking to me is mahogany

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