conflictedebola

Oh God what are we doing

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Howly's asleep so I'm gonna post this now, and God only knows he's gonna badger me about it later.

 

He fell asleep early last night.

Probably on account of briefly mentioned parcel I was waiting for that I let him play with last night. On that note; OW.

 

I took this as an opportunity to voice all of my concerns and anxieties to Owen. I told him my concerns about Howl's supposed 'incompleteness' and that the only reason he isn't saying anything is because of apathy. And the fear of him getting dissasociative by being out so often all of a sudden. The fact that I'm scared of the Void and the Facility falling apart because I can't picture it as vividly as I did when I was younger. He put all these thoughts to rest, because he's amazing at talking people out of self doubt. He brought up the idea of finding Sammy's door. I told him I was scared of looking inside and of what I might find, but I'd consider it. Somehow we got to talking about stabilizing the Void, which reminded me of a concept I had forgotten about until that day. Delora. A woman physically and psychologically linked to the Machine, translating it's eldritch omnipotence into energy to power the Facility. A living adapter/stabilizer. Owen went as far as to suggest creating her as a tulpa eventually, not a companion tulpa but not a servitor. I was a bit hesitant to consider it, because my sense of empathy is way too strong, and all I could worry about was bringing into existence someone who's mind was constantly linked to my mental Apocrypha, someone who's very existence was miserable and so mechanic she's not able to comprehend her bleak reality. I kind of anxiously chewed on the idea for a while, before Owen gave me the sense that that wasn't ALL she had to be. When she wasn't linked up (physically) to the Machine I could do so much more with her. Show her things, speak to her on a more visceral intellectual level that was too awkward to do with Howl. And Howl likes her regardless, from what I remember. He pities her but she strikes a chord in him. I know he'd cal me crazy for considering this and he's gonna be pissed when I first tell him, but I'm honestly considering it, once Howl is at a stable level. Owen reassures me that if she's as numb towards her situation as I say, then it won't hurt her, especially if I give her depth, and show her what it's like to be a person. He suggested that the anchors in the Void (namely Sammy and Delora), might have a primordial spark, that the materials for their creation are just within reach. I don't know about Sammy, he seems too important to make a tulpa if that makes any sense (he's the heart of the world, he exists in his own right as far as I know), but Delora might be a possibility in the future. I'm willing to give her a chance if she lets me. But that'll need to wait.

 

Which brings me to what I did while my puppy was sleeping.

It's still kind of WEIRD, to visualize the Void when I'm in it. But I had a lone venture today. The idea was to start from Howl's room (HIS room, not our room), but that was kind of a dumb idea because I've never gone there by myself, so I ended up in the middle of the non Silent hallways. I seem to have some sort of internal GPS whenever I'm in the Void, so I just followed... myself, if that makes any sense. I walked for a while, wondering where I was going. And then I found Sammy's door. It looked just like it did when I made it, and just as vivid, and it shocked me out (making me wake up Owen in the process). I asked him 'wat do' and he told me not to go in until Sammy called for me specifically (which for some reason i'm confident he's capable of doing.). I kind of lingered there for a second. It's a big black set of double doors with metallic gold handles. I couldn't believe it was there right in front of me, just like it was the last time I saw it. And then I felt a pressure beyond it. An unmistakable presence. Which, you know, scared the shit out of me because I hadn't been here in YEARS. I wasn't even sure if he KNEW my name anymore, so I wrote it down on a notecard and slid it under the door. I waited for a second (for what, I have no clue), and then a fcking light switched on inside, which scared the shit out of me again. I didn't know what to do and suddenly there was a sound, not exactly a knock, but like someone touched the door. I figured my best bet was to walk away, because I wasn't ready to open that door yet. And as I did, I saw light spill out into the hallway from the corner of my eye. He opened the door. This was all happening way to fast for me, and when I felt him peek outside, I booked it. Just like Howl, the Void had been waiting all this time for me to come back. I was NOT ready to see Sammy again, though, and I'm sure he understands. In my retreat, I noticed the archways to his hallway were black as opposed to just the white. I'm sure when I'm ready, he'll help me find it again. I made it to a cross-section, and to the left I saw one of the Silent Hallway doors. On either side were these weird statues. I have no idea what they were supposed to be, they were either dumb stereotypical gargoyles (doubt it) or angels. ANGEL angels, not humanoids with wings. It was hella creepy. And so, with my amazing judgement, I opened the door. Nothing was behind it. So to speak. It was like a chunk was taken out of the side of the rock and I saw broken off metal floor grating trailing and just... black. It was outside. Kind of like that level of Dead Space where you have to walk through the breached ship area. Except without the necromorphs (I hope) and instead of the cold vacuum of space it was the neutral oddly warm vacuum of purgatory. I just kind of "nope"d on out and shut the door. I had no idea what the point of that was, so I just kept walking and eventually (eventually) found a T shaped crossway. To the near left it ended in a Silent Hallway door and to the right was further down another hallway that curved back towards the direction I came. And a couple doors down from the Silent Hallway door was Howl's room. I peeked inside and he was in there sleeping (as opposed to passed out somewhere else, thank God). His room is kind of simple, and you can tell it's right next to a Silent Hallway because of the pipes and vents in the walls. It's pretty small, and it's got his bed, a nightstand with a lamp, a desk, and a chair. To be honest, I'm surprised he even made it under the blanket as opposed to just passing out right there, but I'm guessing his inability to retain body heat wins over. Instead of going to bed with him as planned, I decided to do some more intrusive exploring, so I shut the door and went back out into the hallway. Internal GPS kicked in and a couple doors down there was a door that opened to a stairwell, like in a hospital. For some reason it was most vivid in there, it was dark, and I could feel the scratchy carpet under my feet (why do I not wear shoes in the Void?). And the door at the top of the stairs was open. The door was at the corner of an L shaped hallway, and to the right was more doors, but forward some of the overhead lights were out. There were some papers down that way on the floor, but when I got closer they disappeared. And in the darkened area of the hallway, there was another open door. Delora's resting room. I went inside, keeping in mind that if she had a physical form already, I'd made a point that she wouldn't be in the same room I was in until I was ready for her. I got a sense of nostalgia, something like what I felt near Sammy's door. The walls were black, and the floor was red (probably some of Sammy's decorating sense), and the lights were ultraviolet. She had a lot of bookshelves, and none of the books had labels. Her bed was small and designed weirdly streamlined with a plastic loopover canopy. It was tilted upwards a bit, and she had a bedside table on either side, both covered in books and dim ultraviolet lamps. There was also a small stuffed bear with a cute :3 face and a red ribbon around it's neck. I went over to look at one of the books on the table and the papers all over the floor suddenly came back. They were full of weird drawings and sketches and scrawled (yet somehow still elegant) with eldritch words and symbols. I figured I should leave because I didn't want to see her personal things without her existing to give consent, so I did. I walked back towards the stairwell before I heard a dim "Master". And I panicked. I went over to where I assumed was just above Howl's room, and I could tell he was still asleep. And I felt another presence in there. Sammy's presence. And I freaked out because he had been walking around this whole time I was. I didn't even think that was possible, he sprang back into existence so fast. To be fair he was never GONE, it had just been forever since he existed to me so vividly. He's not a tulpa, he never was a tulpa, but his presence feels so strong and so real. I ran back down the stairs and hid behind the stairwell door until I heard him walk down the hall. I ran into Howl's room and got into the bed with him, kind of freaking out, but he was still sleeping. And he seemed less, I guess I'll use the word strained. He never dreams, which is something I made when he was THAT so he wouldn't show up in my nightmares. But we have a weird thing about sharing memories and stuff. It was closest to a dream as I'm assuming he can experience, but it WAS mostly a memory. A loyal pet sitting on his Master's bed, his leash being held inquisitively. An amused "What's this for Howly?" and a timid "I missed it.". And my heart broke and I nearly called him a bastard for holding in all those feels but I just sat next to him and looked at him a bit, trying to focus better with visualization before I tried to fall asleep. And then I heard something and looked over the foot of the bed. There was a weird mechanical box, it looked like really old frail wood and rusty gears. Howly would have flipped his shit if he had been awake, that's for sure. And then it just sort of disappeared and left behind this black pulsing black hole which stayed there for a while before closing. One of Delora's rips in the fabric of Purgatory. So I know for a fact her primordial essence is there, because her concept still has influence over the world (she is the physics) but I've never gotten to experience that kind of stuff firsthand since because I've always been so focused on Howl. I'll definitely have to find her once everything with Howl is settled. Who knows how long that'll take, but I'm going to make her alive one day.

I eventually settled down to fall asleep with Howl, and I was just asleep when the phone went off scaring the shit out of me and leaving me with a 'whelp there goes that attempt'. So I went to go type out this whole experience until I felt sleepy enough to try to sleep again. Maybe Howly will wake up before me for this -siiiigh-.

 

Anycase, sorry for the dose of weird. It feels like the Facility is waking up after a long period of me being gone from it. All the gears are starting to turn in the right ways again. I think I'm starting to hear people in the halls again. I'm just glad that it wasn't dead or dying like I had feared. This is great progress, and Sammy's probably 'opening up shop'. I don't remember what he sounds like, even. Like Owen said, I'll just have to wait until he calls my name. I know he will.

 

And now I'm tired as balls, so I'm going to try to go to bed. Try, being the keyword.

Pups is gonna have some choice words for me when we wake up, I'm sure.


If I could, begin to be,

Half of what you think of me, I could do about anything,

I could even learn how to love

directed at Howl

directed from Howl

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Sounds like a very intense experience. It leaves me curious about what other places there are in my mind, places that I've forgotten even exist. It's all there, all still alive, just as yours is. The thing is rebuilding those connections, giving it all permission to exist again. I'm not sure if I want to or not. I'm a different person from who I was. What would I even benefit in seeking out those forgotten ruins? What triggered you to go back?

 

And I just wanna hug Howly. ;u; He's so cute in a "don't f*ck with me" way.

Again, weakness for punk guys like that. I swear I'm faithful to Edwin! D:

 


[align=center]"Jesus Pickles!"

~ Edwin reacting to pretty much every jump scare in a horror movie[/align]

 

Avatar was made by me using a base.

My DeviantArt Account

Progress Report

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Sounds like a very intense experience. It leaves me curious about what other places there are in my mind, places that I've forgotten even exist. It's all there, all still alive, just as yours is. The thing is rebuilding those connections, giving it all permission to exist again. I'm not sure if I want to or not. I'm a different person from who I was. What would I even benefit in seeking out those forgotten ruins? What triggered you to go back?

 

I kind of feel like I'm re-living Hollow Bastion from Kingdom Hearts/Kingdom Hearts II. It's weird and nostalgic and kind of sad for some reason. I mean, not so much anymore, but it's a good sad now? I dunno, I'm weird with emotions.

It's always been my Wonderland, and I feel it was a much better decision to bring it back than make a new unfamiliar environment for Howl to be in. It's his home, and I'm hoping to God that it makes him feel less weird about all of this general business.

 

And I just wanna hug Howly. ;u; He's so cute in a "don't f*ck with me" way.

Again, weakness for punk guys like that. I swear I'm faithful to Edwin! D:

 

 

Man, he always has people fawning over him, his charm game is too strong, yo. I've created a weapon of mass seduction, help. (I'm sure he'll smirk about this when he wakes up and is done yelling "WHAT DID YOU DO???" at me.)

Oh man, that reminds me, I had this guy as a candidate for a future tulpa once, but I didn't want the poor guy to have to live in the same space as Howly.


Update; he woke up long enough to tell me "Go to bed you bitch", so I'm assuming I should go to bed.

Confrontation averted until later.


If I could, begin to be,

Half of what you think of me, I could do about anything,

I could even learn how to love

directed at Howl

directed from Howl

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So either he's still asleep, he's doing something without me, or he's not talking to me.

I'm guessing the first one but I'm too scared too go look for him. I'm kind of regretting setting everything back into motion, which I REALLY shouldn't be because it's progress and it's awful of me to think that way. I'm just scared that things are going to change. Which is also awful of me to think, because change is good, right? I don't know everything's suddenly become so complicated.

He's gone long periods just sleeping before and he's been fully awake and attentive for a long time lately, so it could just be that. Now I'm scared that this is going to make his disassociation worse. The experiences we have in the Void together are different than when he's in there by himself. He told me once that the memories are kind of fuzzy, but he figured that was just his shit memory. I don't know, I really don't know. Auuugh, now I'm starting to think that all of this is the fault of my mental state because I can feel paranoia and anxiety creeping up my throat, and he's not here to help me with that. I don't know what I'm gonna do, I guess I'll just wait for him.


If I could, begin to be,

Half of what you think of me, I could do about anything,

I could even learn how to love

directed at Howl

directed from Howl

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It's raining really hard, there's no way in hell he's waking up today if he's still asleep.


If I could, begin to be,

Half of what you think of me, I could do about anything,

I could even learn how to love

directed at Howl

directed from Howl

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If you really need him, go wake his @$$ up! What's the worst he can do, growl at you and bare his teeth? He's your friend. If you had a human friend and really needed them, wouldn't you seek them out, even if it meant waking them up or interrupting them? A real friend wouldn't be angry at you for needing them. As far as awakening everything else in your mind, I'm sure things will be different for a while, maybe from here on out. But remember that it is your mind and you ultimately have control.


[align=center]"Jesus Pickles!"

~ Edwin reacting to pretty much every jump scare in a horror movie[/align]

 

Avatar was made by me using a base.

My DeviantArt Account

Progress Report

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If you really need him, go wake his @$$ up! What's the worst he can do, growl at you and bare his teeth? He's your friend. If you had a human friend and really needed them, wouldn't you seek them out, even if it meant waking them up or interrupting them? A real friend wouldn't be angry at you for needing them. As far as awakening everything else in your mind, I'm sure things will be different for a while, maybe from here on out. But remember that it is your mind and you ultimately have control.

 

I knew you'd have some sage wisdom for me, thanks breh.

I'm more worried about not giving him the space he needs as opposed to making him angry. If he gets angry at me I'll just bop him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

I'm mostly scared of running into Sammy, to be honest. Not because I'm scared OF him, but more of running into him and we're just gonna be like ":U" at each other. Because, like I said, we're not ready to see each other again, and it would really suck if our first meeting in forever was awkward.

 

YOU'RE RIGHT

I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO BUCKLE DOWN, SUCK IT UP, AND TRY NOT TO GET SUCKED INTO ANY GEARS, YEAAAAAHHHHH >:U

(My sleep schedule is mangled, I have no idea what I'm even saying)


If I could, begin to be,

Half of what you think of me, I could do about anything,

I could even learn how to love

directed at Howl

directed from Howl

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Auuugh, I am in such a NOT GOOD mood, tonight, half because I was too tired to deal with the drama outside my room and had to go to sleep and now I'm forced to wake up at 1 am, and then somewhat because of relative negativity I got to wake up to. Which sucks because I had a dream about Weebles last night (they wobble but they don't fall down).

 

Some good-ish news, I guess. NO, IT'S GOOD NEWS, I'M NOT LETTING MYSELF BE BITTER IN THIS PR. (Protip; Conflicted is actually a VERY bitter person. If Howly were awake right now he'd have some humorous testament to that, I'm sure.)

Firstly, Owen brought up to concept of memory cards. Since Howl has trouble retaining his own memories and sort of (consensually) relies on me to put them together for him (again, my fault, I did this to him when he was still an angry baby tulpa as a fail-safe, and I hate myself for it), he suggested backing them up onto cards (playing cards used to be my shtick I can't believe he remembered me telling him that) and giving them to either Sammy or Howl (and hopefully in the future Delora). So I did my best to weave together the memory I had found the night before and put it on a card (which are apparently randomized, because this one was a 3 of spades aND GOD AND JESUS THIS IS REAL TIME ME REALIZING I'VE ESSENTIALLY RECREATED CHAIN OF MEMORIES GOD PEANUT BUTTER I'M A LOSER).

And, moving on to the main point of this.

I got myself to go in there and wake up Howl. He seemed a bit "Fwuh? -swuint-" about it, and I told him I just needed to tell him something and if he wanted to go back to sleep afterwards then he could. He sighed and sat up for me, which means he WAS prepared to listen and wasn't pissed off at me for waking him up. I told him all of what I ended up doing, and how Sammy has free reign to walk around the Void now, and how the whole Facility was coming back to life (He seemed a bit jetlagged but also ":U" about it all). And then I told him about what I was considering with Delora (which made him bristle a bit and look at me like I had lost it while he wasn't there to watch me), and how I feel she would be able to make it all much more stable in the future. He ended up thinking it over for a bit before telling me his head wasn't in a good place to process all of this, and he would think it over when he was in a proper mindset. He also assured me he'd wake up today, but he might need some time alone to think about everything. So I patted him and let him go back to sleep, while leaving the card in front of the door for Sammy to find (on Owen's advice, logically if he's part of the Void then he'd be the best person to give it to as opposed to Howl who wouldn't know what the hell to do with it).

So we'll see what he says later today. I honestly have no idea what his reaction will be but it's probably going to be one of two or three things. I'm not concerned per say but anxious. Waiting is gonna be hell.

 

In other news, I'm working on creating a tulpa blog on tumblr (siiiigh). I kind of really don't want to because I'm sick of tumblr being my only social outlet (because it sucks and it's super stressful), and people know me AND Howl on there (not as a tulpa though), so it's kind of a risk of "Conflicted what the fck?", but I'm gonna do it because I'm an idiot. God help me.


If I could, begin to be,

Half of what you think of me, I could do about anything,

I could even learn how to love

directed at Howl

directed from Howl

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AHHH OVER A THOUSAND VIEWS AHHH WHAT THE HELL

 

Moving on, I made the blog, here it is, knock yourself out, Howl's not quite awake yet but he's almost there, end of update.


If I could, begin to be,

Half of what you think of me, I could do about anything,

I could even learn how to love

directed at Howl

directed from Howl

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He's awake, but he still needs some time to himself, apparently. I'm guessing he needs his "coffee and thoughts" time. It's kind of weird, because he hasn't done anything alone in a while and I feel the same anxiety I do when I know Owen's off work and on his way home. I think it's safe to say I missed him and I realize every time he leaves for a bit I end up making a mess so every time he comes back he's like this.

Sorry Howly.

 

Update-wise, we might wait a bit before doing wonderland stuff. At least a day (longer if he suggests it). We'll just do as much as we can together, after we have our talk.


If I could, begin to be,

Half of what you think of me, I could do about anything,

I could even learn how to love

directed at Howl

directed from Howl

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