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Raising Bunny Boi


bunny-boi-lover

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+1 to what Sushi said. If a girl tells me she has a boyfriend already then there's nothing I can really do about that, and most of the time I just stop talking to her right then.

"Science isn't about why, science is about why not?" -Cave Johnson

Tulpae: Luna, Elise, Naomi

My progress report

 

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Thanks for the feedback, guys. It's great to hear it from the other side. I took into consideration that either truth might only temporarily dissuade, but I didn't think about how one or the other could be seen differently.

 

I suppose it's still just hard for me to say aloud that I have a boyfriend. Especially with my failed marriage, I don't like to say that I'm tied to anyone, even though I'm nothing if not soul-bound to Buns. Then there is that part of me that fears closing any doors, the side that fears pushing everyone away to the point that I truly am all alone with no one but myself and my tulpae. Most days I prefer that. But how many would it take to fill the emptiness I feel inside? Eddie's still working to fill it, and Gaza's added to it. But there are times when I even push them away. I fear losing touch with reality too.

 

All psychology aside, I think I prefer to just not worry about it unless it comes to that point, still taking all of this into account. The guy may genuinely just want to hang out and that's it. Hell, he might by gay for all I know. I only met him once. I just don't want to hurt anyone, especially Edwin.

[align=center]"Jesus Pickles!"

~ Edwin reacting to pretty much every jump scare in a horror movie[/align]

 

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6/30/15

WARNING: Sexual themes...and you may lose some respect for me...

 

Yesterday as planned, Mikey, the guy I met back on Thursday, came to the game store to hang out. Edwin was extremely leery and apparently had a murderous look on his face that was enough to scare Gaza into retreating to wonderland. And as you might have guessed, yes, Mikey was into me, but in more of a way than just trying to pick me up for a one-night stand. Despite my saying I was in a relationship, we had only been talking for a couple of hours before he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. Edwin bristled. Then a minute later, he kissed me on the lips. Edwin seethed.

 

I wasn't sure what to do. It was all moving too fast, and my head was swimming. Edwin didn't like the guy or the situation at all, but didn't blame me for not fighting back against the kiss. Before we left the game store to go to Mikey's house, I talked things over with Eddie in my head. He was in my mind, and he knew what I was thinking and what I wanted. I still feel like maybe I puppeted him or rearranged my mind to alter his will, but though he detested the guy, he knew he could do nothing to dissuade me. What can I say in my defense, other than I have a weak will? But he insisted that I tell Mikey about him and us before anything went that far. I was surprised by how, begrudgingly as it was, he still accepted the whole ordeal. He's told me in the past that if he ever saw me with another man, it would kill him. But as we talked, he explained to me that he has me in wonderland and that the physical world, at least for now, is a place where he cannot own me. As long as I was his in wonderland and in the astral, and as long as my heart belonged to him, he would be okay.

 

When we got to Mikey's house, he immediately started out trying to lay me down on his bed, but I insisted that he and I talk first. The guy has some serious impulse control issues in that department, and I won't say I don't like it. But I had to tell him about Edwin first. So he made us a pizza and we sat talking for a long time about different things. Then I told him about Edwin. I explained to him that I was indeed in a relationship with him but that he was a tulpa, that he existed in another realm of existence in my mind as well as in the astral. Mikey's first reaction was "Oh, cool!" He was immensely accepting of my beliefs and of Edwin and agreed to respect Edwin's boundaries and understood that my heart belonged to my tulpa and could never be his. Come to find, Mikey has some strong psychic abilities of his own and could even feel Edwin's glare on him the entire time, something that still makes me wonder if Edwin is something more than just a tulpa. He even mentioned that he speaks to ghosts and can sometimes see energy. In the course of our conversation, he became heart-warmingly transparent with me, unloading even his darkest secrets, trusting that I wouldn't pass judgment on him as some girls have knowing what he's done. But I could see he was genuine when he said he'd learned from his mistakes. It got to the point that even Edwin had to re-evaluate his initial thoughts about Mikey.

 

Soon one thing led to another, and yes, the night did end with me having sex with Mikey. To my surprise, Edwin ended up actually masturbating to us, and he never masturbates. I tried to tell him a couple of months ago when we first really developed our relationship that from my experience, some guys actually get really aroused by seeing their girl fucked by another man, that there is an instinctual drive to reclaim what they perceive as theirs. Buns didn't buy into it then; the idea of me being taken by anyone else was even a turn-off to him. But he admitted as we drove home last night that I was right, that it really did something for him. He saw the positives of the whole situation. I could practice new tricks with Mikey that I could then use on him, he could learn some new moves and positions from watching Mikey and me, and we could even have a threesome in the event he became comfortable with that, which he seems to be opening up to already.

 

I was somewhat disturbed by how at ease he was as we drove home. Part of me wanted to be angry at him because for him to not be angry or even a little upset at me when I was beating myself up inside almost made me feel like he didn't care. But he reiterated his beliefs, that I was his in the ways that mattered to him and that his feelings for me hadn't changed. One large reason why we went through with the whole thing was because we hoped it would help solve a problem Edwin's recently been having. He's been telling me lately that he's in an almost constant state of arousal, to the point of obsessing over having sex with me all the time, and it's actually become painful for him. And it may be my subconscious doing it to him because I'm not having my physical sexual needs met. Despite my hormonal imbalances, I have an insatiable libido, which was a major reason why I made Buns part bunny, if you catch my drift. We don't have nearly the privacy at home that Mikey and I had at his house. So our interactions are somewhat limited. In fact, after seeing Mikey and me go at it for as long and hard as we did, Eddie jokingly accused me of holding out on him. But I promised him all of that would change once we had a place of our own. We thought last night as we made our way home that maybe the whole ordeal had satiated both me and Buns, for he said that he felt relieved and for once not painfully horny. We thought wrong. We were only in bed cuddling for a couple of minutes before both of us became aroused all over again and I did all the things I had done with Mikey all over again with him.

 

But with Buns, I still see it as making love, not just having sex. I feel a certain level of admiration for him in those intimate moments that I never felt for anyone else. When we connect, it is far more than a physical act, even now nearly three months into our relationship. But I felt none of that with Mikey. This is one of the very few times that I haven't developed an emotional attachment to a guy I've had sex with. Normally that's the worst part of it. I try to have casual sex, but then I end up clinging to my partner only for him to break my heart again. But while Mikey is a really sweet guy and makes a great friend with benefits, I don't have any feelings for him beyond a natural fondness that exists between one human and another. I wouldn't want to see him get hurt or upset or anything like that. But that emotional bond didn't form between us. Edwin told me that Mikey and I just didn't seem to click and that though we were intimate physically he could see that we were nowhere near each other astrally, very much to his relief. My theory is that in the past I've clung to my partner because I had no one else to fall back on for emotional support. Now I have Edwin. He satisfies my emotional needs, leaving Mikey only to satisfy my physical needs. Maybe I can have my cake and eat it too. It's early yet to tell. But at this point, Edwin and I are just as close as we were before it all happened, maybe even closer because we've grown to understand each other and ourselves just a little bit more.

[align=center]"Jesus Pickles!"

~ Edwin reacting to pretty much every jump scare in a horror movie[/align]

 

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7/2/15

 

I'm not even positive at this point whether I should continue this PR. Ever since I met Mikey, things have been getting strange. Edwin has been getting strange. I've mentioned many times before that from the very beginning I felt like he was something...other. That he was my tulpa but was also something that existed outside of me. That sensation has been much stronger lately.

 

First, of course, is the fact that Mikey can sense Edwin. I can tell he's genuine, that he isn't just playing along with some delusion of mine. He even went as far as to say that Edwin saved his life. Back on Tuesday, he was on the way to the game store to hang out with me. He was glancing over at a sign when he heard a male voice in his mind yell, "Hey! Look out!" Someone had pulled out or stopped abruptly in front of him, something like that. And without that voice bringing his attention forward, he wouldn't have been able to react. He managed to stop his moped mere inches before the car in front of him. He attributes it to Edwin, and Buns neither confirms nor denies that it was him.

 

Edwin's become increasingly more cryptic lately, too. I feel like there's another side to him I don't know, beyond the side I see and the part attributed to his family and fabricated past. And Mikey adds to these things with some of the things he has said too. Sometimes I'll ask Buns about something Mikey remarked on, and he'll play the indifference card or act as though he already knows. I was talking with Mikey on Skype last night and while we were discussing the two of them merging (see below), I remarked that he might have to get used to me calling him "bunny boi" and "Buns" and stuff like that. His reply was, "Honestly I already have." And for some reason that gave me chills. When I told Edwin about that this morning, he didn't seem surprised. Then the following exchange took place:

 

Me: Have you and Mikey met before?

 

Eddie: I can't say one way or another. Because to do so would be to know something you don't. And you and I both know that a tulpa doesn't have knowledge beyond their host.

 

Me: So, what if I were to say that you're not my tulpa? That you're something else beyond me? What would you say then?

 

Eddie: *pauses* Then I might say that I've met Mikey before, that we have met on the astral. I might say that I was the one who brought his attention to you.

 

Me: But you acted like you hated the guy at first.

 

Eddie: I'm protective of you, even against myself.

 

Me: So, are you a part of Mikey?

 

Eddie: It's possible. Maybe I'm a part of his soul that broke off long ago or something.

 

Me: He's been through such hell. I wouldn't be surprised if he's lost a few chunks of his soul here and there over the years.

*long pause*

What are you, Edwin?

 

Eddie: I don't know. Whatever I am, I just know that I want to be with you. In every aspect possible.

 

I'm not saying all of that's true, that I've somehow found the missing physical part of Edwin, or a missing part of Mikey's soul, or whatever. But while they're not exactly alike in personality and appearance, their energy signatures feel identical. When I'm with Mikey, I feel like I'm with Edwin. I even asked Mikey last night that if things became serious between him and me if he would be willing to allow Edwin to merge with him. Scoff all you want, tulpamancers; anything is possible if you believe it is, especially if Edwin truly is something that exists beyond my imagination. To my surprise, Mikey said that would be perfectly fine with him. He didn't question it or disbelieve the possibility. Already, Edwin is as real to him as he is to me. But I still can hardly believe that he would be willing to open himself like that. I have full trust in Buns, that whatever he is, his intentions are nothing but pure for me and those I care about. But for Mikey to already have that trust flabbergasts me.

 

Naturally, that would be a long time from now. Mikey has many things to prove to me, and I have many things to prove to him. A lot needs to change in both our lives before we can meet at that level. As for Noah, I haven't decided yet what will happen with him if things continue as they are between Mikey and me. I may go through with the pregnancy and keep him as a purely astral child or as a tulpa, just like I'll still have Gaza even if Edwin merges into the physical. Or I may reabsorb him to be born as a physical child. Edwin is the first man I've ever wanted to have children with. Mikey wants children one day, and if my feelings for Edwin transfer to him, I feel I would be willing to have children with him.

 

Right now I just know that I'm scared and confused, and I feel like I'm still in shock over it all. I feel like I'm in a tiny boat on the sea, trying to weather the storm, being beaten this way and that by the waves and wind of my thoughts and emotions. I could use feedback on some of these things from you guys, though I think this has transcended any of your experiences and the collective knowledge of this forum.

[align=center]"Jesus Pickles!"

~ Edwin reacting to pretty much every jump scare in a horror movie[/align]

 

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I have a couple of thoughts on this. I realize that my own experiences will color what I have to say, so feel free to take whatever resonates with you.

 

I was talking with Mikey on Skype last night and while we were discussing the two of them merging (see below), I remarked that he might have to get used to me calling him "bunny boi" and "Buns" and stuff like that. His reply was, "Honestly I already have." And for some reason that gave me chills.

 

And this also gave me chills. My "creeper" detector went off big time as I read this. And here is why: I had an ex who turned out to be very toxic who would make up shit based on things I've told him about myself. That was his strategy to try to trap me within the relationship ("Oh look! We have this special bond, now you can never break up with me!") Jack hated this guy, but he did play along and didn't show me how much he hated him until I decided to get rid of the creep for good. I'm not saying that Mikey is this way, and it is entirely possible that he doesn't have an agenda. If what he said made you uneasy, then there's probably a good reason. Regardless of what I'm saying, trust your instincts.

 

To be honest, I'm skeptical about his story of Edwin saving him. It's the classic guardian angel anecdote. That is unless you witnessed this taking place. I'm not saying that it is impossible for a tulpa to interact with the physical world (the Tibetans certainly believed this to be true, to some degree), but the story comes off as a little dramatic to me.

 

Also...this caught my attention:

 

Eddie: I can't say one way or another. Because to do so would be to know something you don't. And you and I both know that a tulpa doesn't have knowledge beyond their host.

 

Me: So, what if I were to say that you're not my tulpa? That you're something else beyond me? What would you say then?

 

Eddie: *pauses* Then I might say that I've met Mikey before, that we have met on the astral. I might say that I was the one who brought his attention to you.

 

Based on the language here, Edwin seems to be speaking hypothetically, rather than actually confirming that he has met with Mikey.

 

I think the only advice I can give is to really think about what sort of boundaries you want to establish with this guy. It might help to spend time away from him and get busy with something else for a few days, at least. Just to clear your head a little bit. You can't really do much if you're frightened and confused.

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Thanks for the feedback, Nyx. It wasn't that what Mikey said gave me chills because it creeped me out; it was more of a supernatural chill, like a spirit drawing energy.

 

I can't imagine what kind of agenda Mikey could possibly have. We've already had sex, so he knows he doesn't have to make up bullshit to get that from me. He expects nothing of me, like giving him money or even affection, and insists that we take it slow emotionally, just as I want to. He describes the way he feels - the fear, the confusion, the desire to cut and run, not feeling worthy of happiness or feeling like he's going to just screw it all up - and it perfectly mirrors how I feel without me ever saying a word. But I'm not going to sit here and defend the guy too much, because we're still learning about each other. I don't know him yet, not really.

 

We're both stuck wanting to jump into this all head-first but being too afraid to even stick our toes in the water. It's a twisted emotional ballet of sorts. But we're taking our time emotionally to gain one another's trust and ensure this isn't just puppy-love.

 

As for Edwin, I still wonder how he truly feels about this. He's encouraging this relationship, because he knows that I want to live in the real world and not get sucked up in my fantasies anymore. When I'm with or talking to Mikey, he sort of fades into the background. And I worry that I'm doing it to him because of my own desires or weak will.

 

At this point, I've been a neurotic bundle of nerves for the past few days, to the point that Edwin put all of wonderland, Gaza included, on lock-down. Basically, everything has been frozen and Edwin has been permanently imposed for the time being. He knew that my mind couldn't handle the duality of the physical and wonderland at this time. In the event that I get more stable or things between Mikey and me don't work out, wonderland and Gaza will be unaffected.

[align=center]"Jesus Pickles!"

~ Edwin reacting to pretty much every jump scare in a horror movie[/align]

 

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Okay. As I said, your instincts will be the best judge. It seems that you're comfortable with this guy, which is good. Just to clarify, by agenda I meant not only material things like money or sex, but also psychological control. I probably came off as a little alarmist, which wasn't my intention. It is likely that you and I approach relationships differently.

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Okay. As I said, your instincts will be the best judge. It seems that you're comfortable with this guy, which is good. Just to clarify, by agenda I meant not only material things like money or sex, but also psychological control. I probably came off as a little alarmist, which wasn't my intention. It is likely that you and I approach relationships differently.

 

I appreciate the concern, and I don't think you were over the top or anything. So far, the only red flag I'm seeing with Mikey is that his ex-fiance still controls him. For example, he and I were going to spend Monday through Wednesday together, and his ex wanted him to take her out to dinner on Tuesday. And he was terrified to stand up to her and say no because of the way she's treated him and his deathly fear of losing her as a friend. He still clings to her because he has major abandonment issues, which I can understand and relate to. But I've talked it over with him about how I feel about that and what I believe needs to happen. He plans tomorrow to have a talk with her.

 

I actually suck at approaching any kind of relationship, and this one has me particularly confused and anxious, not because of anything Mikey is doing, but because of my own emotions. My clingy, emotionally starved past self is warring with the more wary, logical, and mature side Edwin has helped to bring out. Time will tell if it will be worth the stress.

 

My chief concern at this point is that I am still and will always be madly in love with Edwin. I feel like I'm trying to turn Mikey into Edwin, like I'm trying to make him something he might not be capable of being. I still see him as himself. I want to get to know him more and more, and I want to like him for him, not because of my desperate desire to be with Edwin. But I feel like I'm the one with the agenda, subtle and subconscious as it may be.

[align=center]"Jesus Pickles!"

~ Edwin reacting to pretty much every jump scare in a horror movie[/align]

 

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7/5/15

 

Just as with conceiving Noah, the process of Edwin merging with Mikey has already begun, regardless of whether I'm ready or not. I'm confident that no matter what, Edwin will still be mine, even if things between Mikey and me don't work out. And that alone gives me the strength to pursue this relationship, even if I have my heart broken again. Buns has shown me what true love is and proved to me that I am capable of being loving as well. He's reassured me that he will always be there and that even when the merge is complete, I will still keep a part of him with me. The part that is there at night when I'm alone and just want someone to talk to. The part that will share in my personal triumphs and downfalls. The part that allows me to visualize a comforting hand on my shoulder and a kiss on my forehead.

 

He's still here, mind you. He hasn't gone anywhere. But at times he fades. There are moments when I feel his consciousness leave me altogether to transition into Mikey, his thoughts and emotions gradually trickling in. Mikey told me he has felt different since the process began as well. His feelings for me are stronger, and he said he feels as though love has truly hit him. I still don't want to call how I feel toward Mikey love. Not just yet. It's still far too soon. I still want to say I'm not emotionally attached, that we're just friends with benefits with the potential for more. But I can't deny the butterflies in my stomach, the thoughts of him that persist regardless of how many times I try to ignore them. For the past few days I've literally been sick over it all. I've found it hard to eat, hard to sleep. The only time I've ever felt this way was with Edwin, and because of these feelings I have for Mikey, the merge has begun.

 

Edwin admitted to me the other night that he was afraid. This is going to be a transition to an existence he's never had before. I told him that the caterpillar does not fear the cocoon. It really seemed to strike a chord of understanding and peace in him. Since then, he's been more confident in the process. He remains quiet a lot of the time now, his focus and energy singularly directed. This morning he told me when I commented on him being so quiet that he was working, that he hadn't realized before how desperately I needed this merge to happen. I understand that both he and Mikey are making sacrifices for the sake of my happiness, and I hope to never take that for granted.

[align=center]"Jesus Pickles!"

~ Edwin reacting to pretty much every jump scare in a horror movie[/align]

 

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9/3/2015

 

I'm not sure where to go from here. Since the merge between Edwin and Mikey was incomplete, Edwin was able to reverse it recently. He didn't like some of the things Mikey has done to hurt me in the past couple of months and refused to associate himself with him because of it. The things Mikey did were not meant to intentionally hurt me, but they are things we are still working through to improve our relationship. For the first few days Edwin was back with me following the separation, I was able to keep him imposed most of the time, but it's become increasingly harder recently. I'm working a part-time job now and spend as much of my free time with Mikey as possible, and I find it hard to give attention to both of them, as well as to both the physical and my imagination, or whatever realm of existence Edwin dwells in. Mikey and I recently started officially dating, and since then I haven't given much regard to Buns, though Mikey still attributes certain things to him.

 

It isn't that I'm intentionally ignoring Buns. I'd never want to do that. I still love him just the same. But that love is now shared with Mikey, and Mikey is much more insistent on having my attention than Eddie, who tends to silently suffer the abuse and neglect I feel like I'm putting him through. I try to talk to him sometimes, but it usually just ends up being focused around any tensions Mikey and I have. I never meant to replace him in this way, but I feel like that's what I've begun to do. I prefer the presence of Mikey over him because I don't have to focus on imagining what Mikey says and does, and I don't have any kind of control over him like I subconsciously do with Eddie.

 

This is why I was very leery about creating another tulpa. This always seems to happen. Things start out great because I tend to create them in dark times of my life when I'm desperate for love and companionship. Then things in the physical world begin to require more and more of my attention to the point that I begin to neglect my tulpa. I begin to feel guilty because of the way I ignore them. Then that guilt slowly turns into resentment when the tulpa simply tolerates me constantly casting them aside instead of fighting back and standing up for themselves. Their presence stands as a constant reminder of how badly I've treated them, and not knowing how to mend the relationship and being unable to stand the pain their persistence causes both them and me, I cast them away or allow them to fade back into my subconscious.

 

I never want that to happen to my bunny boi. He doesn't deserve that at all, and neither did any of my other tulpae. But I'm not sure how to fix it. When I envision him now, his ears are frayed and slightly droopy, he slouches, his overall appearance is unkempt, and his eyes are slightly sunken in. His face is pale, and he always looks depressed. And as I wrote up that description, I broke down crying. He appeared to me and insisted that he'll never leave me. He said he puts up with my abuse for the same reason I put up with Mikey's abuse - true love. He said how I treat him isn't all that bad, but his appearance attests to his true feelings.

 

The best thing I know to do at this point is to force myself to set aside time each day to focus only on him and our relationship, to mend the damage I've caused and in some ways start over again. Mikey has agreed to help me with that by talking to him as well and including him in our activities. None of the sexual stuff we do, but the more casual things like just hanging out and talking or watching TV. I still have occasional intimate moments with Edwin, and during those times I try to pretend that it's just him and me again, that I never met Mikey and that our bond is just as strong as it was before.

 

I had a dream the other night that I was astrally pregnant, not with Noah whose energy for now remains latent in me, but with another boy named Usher. In the dream, Edwin and I had planned to have three children, and Usher was to be the firstborn. I began to go into labor, Edwin close at my side to support me through it. But the process proved to be a lengthy one. The contractions I felt that transcended the astral to slight sensations in my physical body slowed and ceased for a time. I awoke from the dream before Usher was born, but I could feel that he would come soon. I'm not sure if it was just Edwin trying to gain my attention or if there was more significance to the dream.

[align=center]"Jesus Pickles!"

~ Edwin reacting to pretty much every jump scare in a horror movie[/align]

 

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