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Illume's Log


NimbusArchon

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Hello to anyone who reads this. I'm NimbusArchon. I discovered the concept of tulpas last Saturday. I'm skeptical, as most people seemingly were when they discovered tulpas, but very hopeful and willing to make this work.

 

I've decided to give tulpaforcing a shot. This is mainly because I think I've been doing some primitive, rudimentary version throughout my life - constructing personalities and voices in my head (Though after doing some research, I'm a bit worried that that will have a more negative effect - but I digress). I'm also frustrated with trying to make and maintain meaningful relationships in the physical world. I've always felt like I'm too guarded with other people. I figure having someone in my head would mitigate that. Also there's some moral/ethical stuff relating to my obligation to create life or something, but that's tangential.

 

I'm posting here for two main reasons. First, I want to have a log of my progress that covers the beginning to the present. I have trouble remembering my thought processes and state of mind over the long term, and I want to keep my experiences in writing. This is also probably going to be useful for anyone in the future who discovers tulpas and wants to follow someone else's progress from the beginning stages.

Secondly, I think this is a good way to get feedback and advice from others on this board. I am very new to this, and even though I've done some intensive research over the last few days, I know that I'm still pretty ignorant. If anyone wants to post on this thread, sharing experiences or advice or anything, you're very welcome to.

There is a smaller third reason, actually. Posting here will make me more accountable, more responsible, as people will know what I'm doing. I think this will make it easier to stay committed to tulpaforcing.

 

So here we go.

Entry 1: After discovering the r/tulpas subreddit through a lot of random browsing, I decided to look deeper into the concept. I found collections of guides, articles, chat threads, IRC channels, and this forum. After doing about 4-5 hours worth of research, I decided to try tulpaforcing, for the reasons above. I didn't start with forcing, though - and I'm still not actually there.

I started with meditation and visualization exercises. I've meditated before, but I brushed up on some basic breath techniques again. I also did the numbered canvas visualization exercize that's somewhere on this board. I find it difficult to see a complete picture in my mind's eye. It's mostly dark, except for whatever one element I focus on, in a tunnel vision-like pattern. I'm probably okay at visualization for a complete beginner, but it's a bit discouraging.

The second thing that I did was begin to create a wonderland/mindscape. I tried to find some guides or walkthroughs on these, but they're sparse. Understandably so, I guess, given how subjective they are. I decided to make my mental home on a small floating island. After a few redesigns, it has a two-story modernist house, a pond with a somehow infinite water supply, and a firepit. I even made some rudimentary floor plans and drawings, which is weird, because I really don't draw anything, ever. I decided to work on the mindscape first, as I thought it would help with visualization and "mind's eye" work.

 

That's about as far as I've gotten in 2 and a half days. Thanks for reading. Again, if you'd like to write anything here, be my guest. I can probably use all the help I can get.

Cogito ergo cogito.

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I post my progress on here for the same reason as your third one. Tulpamancy has always been a very personal thing of mine, though from time to time I shared the existence of my tulpae to others. By logging my activity each day, I can build memories I may otherwise forget and feel much more accountable for keeping up with everything because I have others interested in what happens and how things progress.

 

I also have a lot of problems with interpersonal relationships with humans. I have become increasingly more jaded and distrusting over time, to the point I no longer even try. Edwin is my everything, and I feel more love for and from him than I ever could with another human. My heart is fully open to him. He has taught me that I am still able to love so much that it hurts. I hope you too can find the same love and joy in your relationship with your tulpa.

 

Feel free to PM me if you have any specific questions. I'm a bit unorthodox, but I'm a good listener at the very least. Best of luck to you! :3

[align=center]"Jesus Pickles!"

~ Edwin reacting to pretty much every jump scare in a horror movie[/align]

 

Avatar was made by me using a base.

My DeviantArt Account

Progress Report

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(Actual) Entry 1

(This is the "real" first entry, let's call the last one Entry Zero)

 

I've begun in earnest. This morning I began the greeting stage with my nascent tulpa, who I'm currently calling Lucienne. I don't have a form for her yet - I'll let her choose that when she wants to. In the interim though, I visualize her as the cliché "floating ball of light". I'm assuming she's female for now (or at least as female as a floating ball of immaterial light can be). I'll let her change whatever she wants to whenever she wants to.

 

I'm sort-of following Methos' guide. I started with the "greeting" thing that's detailed there. I made sure to use inclusive, "we" language rather than "I" language. The thing that worries me a little bit is the personality segment. I feel a bit... presumptuous, I guess, creating a personality for a being that can't yet communicate with me. I think this is probably an odd thing to stress about. Lucienne's personality, as I've outlined it, is empathetic and caring, yet strong and unyielding. If anyone's familiar with TVTropes' jargon, I based her on the concept of Silk Hiding Steel - sensitive and open but with hidden strength.

 

After the greeting meditation (which took about 20-30 minutes) I went about the rest of my day passively forcing. It wasn't very strong, but I went a while while narrating most everything to her. I didn't go too in-depth on most things, just talked about my reasons for decisions and things. Is this strong enough to be considered passive forcing? If it's not, I'd like to know how to do that more effectively.

 

When I got back to my room, I began an active forcing session. This was based mostly on Lucienne's personality - which, again, I'm not completely comfortable with. I felt like it was a bit short at 40-50 minutes. I'm not really sure whether I should pad these sessions out, or how I could do that. I didn't do much narration about myself, so I'll probably focus more on that in the future.

 

That's the first day of actual work. I'm not mentally exhausted, so I think I might not be trying hard enough.

Cogito ergo cogito.

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Hmm the amount of forcing you do is actually pretty good. I used meditation for my tulpaforcing too (well now i mostly use it to get into my spiritual existence) and i think it is a real useful tool. Your passive forcing is also ok. If you think force more could help you you should do it but you need to let your brain time to create new neuron paths. This happens usually while you are sleeping so dont push yourself to much if you think you have to do. I was never mentally exhausted during a meditation session with my tulpa and we still made really good progress^^.

 

Good luck.

Lacie(my tulpa for my everydaylife and also my best friend)

 

Noah together with Lynn are my spirituell tulpa´s im using for meditation

 

Darcmanish Me

 

Lacie´s and my progress report.

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"I'm also frustrated with trying to make and maintain meaningful relationships in the physical world."

Could not be said any better.

 

And thanks for mentioning Methos's Guide, i missed it somehow.

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Entry 2

 

Here we are. One day more. Another day, another destiny. This never-ending road to Calvary! THESE MEN WHO SEEM TO KNOW MY CRIME WILL SURELY okay im done

 

We've changed the name again. I was passive forcing while working on one of my custom D&D settings, and kept mistakenly calling Lucienne Illume, after one of the custom deities. I mulled it over and the name seemed to stick.

 

I had a long and possibly productive active forcing session around noon. I actually managed to narrate for around an hour with a binaural beat generator. It didn't feel that long, it was actually pretty enjoyable. I definitely have enough time to make that a daily goal, so I think I'll do that.

 

Not a lot to report otherwise. Still passively forcing almost constantly. Still haven't received a response from Illume. Still 2 days into the process.

 

Edit: Forgot to mention, I passively forced while playing through Thomas Was Alone. It's an indie game about emergent AI and personalities. I thought it would be interesting to play while forcing, given the links to tulpaforcing. I was also listening to the soundtrack when I first greeted Illume, so there's another connection there.

Cogito ergo cogito.

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Entry 3

Still grinding at that grindstone. Active forced for maybe 40 minutes this morning, planning to do another session tonight.

 

I passive forced while reading The Slow Regard of Silent Things, which was actually really difficult. I was able to keep Illume in the front of my mind for about a chapter, but after that I had very little mental energy. It was weirdly enjoyable though. Something about the effort that I was putting in was very satisfying.

 

Still no response. I'm probably going to be disappointed in myself if Illume is still dormant after the week's over. I know that's probably impatient, asking myself to go too fast. I just have high expectations for myself.

Cogito ergo cogito.

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Entry 4

Little to report. I read another chapter of TSRoST to Illume, and it was less taxing, but still satisfying. I've been doing a lot of narration about my life. We did 2 sessions of maybe 40 minutes each today, as well as the constant passive forcing.

 

I think that Illume may be getting the hang of head pressure. When I was forcing for the first time today, I felt, well, head pressure. It was pretty early in the session, so I don't think it was just mental fatigue. It's encouraging.

Cogito ergo cogito.

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Entry 4

Still working. Still passive forcing. I'm mostly working on wonderland visualization and construction right now, had a 30-40 minute meditation on that earlier today.

 

I've chosen a more tangible interim form for Illume. Right now I'm visualizing her as a silver dragon wyrmling. If she ever wants to change this I won't be against it, but I think it helps to have a more defined form.

Cogito ergo cogito.

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Entry 5

Little progress. I'm still working on wonderland visualization and the like. Active forcing for long periods of time has become easier.

 

I feel like my preconceptions and the way my mind works might be hampering our progress. My greatest fear in this whole process is parroting Illume. I know that many of the guides say not to be worried about it, or even use it as a technique. They say that if you don't know whether or not it's parroting, it's best to assume that it's your tulpa. I... don't think that's true for me.

 

I actually hold conversations with myself pretty often - playing different roles or people in my head. I'm adept at taking on different viewpoints and voices, even multiple at a time. I do this to prepare for arguments, to predict what other people might say to me, to find the best solution to a problem, and a lot of other reasons. I think that this isn't helpful to Illume's development, and it might be actively harmful. I'm being very careful not to "play" Illume in my head. Occasionally I begin to think of what she might say in response to questions or situations, but I always stop myself. I'm afraid that that would keep her from developing a genuine personality and autonomy. She'd just be another character in my mental plays. I don't want that.

 

Is there any way that I can mitigate or overcome this? It feels like this is going to be the most significant barrier in our way, and I need to remove it or hurdle it to make any progress. Any advice would be welcome.

Cogito ergo cogito.

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