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Do I have an accident tulpa?


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*gets down on hand and knees. Prays* Please mother Mary, please say it isn't so. ;_;

 

So, since I was around 11 or so, I watched an anime and my little self grew a little crush on one of the characters. So, being a normal 11 year old girl with nothing to do after the series ended- I daydreamed. Oh, jesus did I daydream. I daydreamed so much, daydreaming became my frequent pass-time. After a while, it surpassed pass-time and it became all that I did. Allll day and allll night. Same anime characters from that same anime. I got bored of myself being in there, so I just made up a bunch of new anime characters and intertwined my worlds. Again and again and again. When I got tired of my old anime characters, I'd make new ones. I'd make new stories. But through the years, the original anime characters from the anime I watched when I was little never changed. When I didn't have time to daydream, the dreams were simply shut away in my brain like normal.

 

 

But, one of the characters was always there. Always. I constantly thought about 'im. Over the years, however, I begun to get abnormally paranoid. I got paranoid and thought "what if he is real and he knows about all the daydreams somehow? What if he can read my thoughts?" and then I got paranoid that he was around and invisible. At this point I thought I was crazy. Full-blown cray. So, over the years I began to hate his fucking guts because I wanted to be done with the daydreams. Done with him always present in my thoughts. Didn't work so much. I did manage to cease the daydreams recently, but that did not stop him. Noooopppppe. Not a single bitty bit. If he is real, I feel like he's doing it on purpose. Being mean and consuming my life. If it's not a tulpa, then it's probably a form of intrusive thoughts. I actually got to this forum because I asked a similar question on another site and one of the users suggested that I "accidentally hacked my brain into some weird places" s/he suggested that I asked the tulpa community for their opinion.

 

 

So, here I am, guys. It might seem weird, but I don't have enough fucks to feed that matter.

 

(Also, it would explain the matter of mental tiredness. I'm attempting to create a tulpa already, and if bitchboy is a tulpa then whoop. Guess that evil fuckers got somethin' to do with it.)

"The world is ending out there. Who cares who I am?" ~Lee Everett

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Ahoy MechanicalBride,

 

I don't feel I am a big authority on the matter, so I will simply try and speak to your issue from the experiences I've had. I've often had recurring mental figures and daydream scenarios through my life, as well. Not all of them lasted as long as yours did, but they were still there. I, like you, was rather annoyed with them at first, and wished for them to stop, but soon I found that thinking against them and being so aggravated at their presence actually made the situation worse, and caused more strife than was necessary. Eventually, what actually helped me with those kind of issues was being at peace with them, and instead of being frustrated, aggravated, and angry at them, I just kind of accepted their presence, and kept going along.

 

Sometimes, I would even either speak to, or wonder at with curiosity, these recurring figures and memories, and it sometimes revealed they had a small spark of life and consciousness in them. Not a fully functional companion being like is being made in this community, but something with the potential to become such if given time and energy. With those situations, I would say kindness, gentleness, and some understanding were the key, not only in dealing with the figure itself, but also making sure you do not stress yourself out over it. I say this because your situation reminds me of my own past mistakes.

 

Can you elaborate on what this figure does? Does he simply exist? Is he violent? Does he do things when you speak to him? Is he able to communicate? You said in your post that you are working on you own, if that is the case, why are you flustered about this other figures presence?

 

Peace.

Sock Cottonwell's

Sketchbook, Journal, and Ask thread.

Peace

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Ahoy MechanicalBride,

 

I don't feel I am a big authority on the matter, so I will simply try and speak to your issue from the experiences I've had. I've often had recurring mental figures and daydream scenarios through my life, as well. Not all of them lasted as long as yours did, but they were still there. I, like you, was rather annoyed with them at first, and wished for them to stop, but soon I found that thinking against them and being so aggravated at their presence actually made the situation worse, and caused more strife than was necessary. Eventually, what actually helped me with those kind of issues was being at peace with them, and instead of being frustrated, aggravated, and angry at them, I just kind of accepted their presence, and kept going along.

 

Sometimes, I would even either speak to, or wonder at with curiosity, these recurring figures and memories, and it sometimes revealed they had a small spark of life and consciousness in them. Not a fully functional companion being like is being made in this community, but something with the potential to become such if given time and energy. With those situations, I would say kindness, gentleness, and some understanding were the key, not only in dealing with the figure itself, but also making sure you do not stress yourself out over it. I say this because your situation reminds me of my own past mistakes.

 

Can you elaborate on what this figure does? Does he simply exist? Is he violent? Does he do things when you speak to him? Is he able to communicate? You said in your post that you are working on you own, if that is the case, why are you flustered about this other figures presence?

 

Peace.

 

I dunno.. It's like he's a house guest that has overstayed his welcome by a long shot. He's not violent per say, but sometimes I get that vibe. Like, I could be sitting in the dark on my laptop, and there'd just be this UNSETTLING feeling that would develop into fear. And it'd feel like someones there. It doesn't happen often, but last time it did I had a panic attack for the first time and lemme just say- scariest thing ever. Actually, come to think of it, ever since that night it's been a lot easier. Dunno why, but I won't look a gift horse in the mouth. XP I don't speak to him because until recently I just considered it to be something wrong with me personally. I don't know, is he even a tulpa? I sure hope not because I don't want to have epic mental wars where if I win, he's gone, if he wins, he gets the body. *shivers* That's ducking terrifying.

 

I've just been thinking about it for a while, and if he is a tulpa, I want to know.

"The world is ending out there. Who cares who I am?" ~Lee Everett

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Guest amber5885

Okay first of all there will be no fighting over your body that's not how tulpas work at all.

 

It's possible that he is one but the best thing you can do is ask him.

 

Remember it is your mind and in the end you have the ultimate control over whether he stays or whether he goes.

 

Just to clarify a tulpa is NOT something that is a reoccurring thought, it is NOT a seperate being vying for control of your bod, it is NOT capable of harming you.

 

What it is is a seperate, concious personality seperate from your own that thinks, moves and speaks of its own free will.

 

There's a lot of speculation beyond that of what a tulpa is or is not but that's basically what we all agree on.

 

If you're afraid of it odds are good that it is not because he's trying to harm you but because of your own anxiety regarding the subject.

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A similar thing happened to me. I didn't ever think he was real, but I had something that I daydreamed about that wouldn't leave me alone. This happened when I was young, and I used to think about him every night. In fact, I don't remember when it started, it was sort of there since the beginning of my memory. Anyway, mine eventually went away. If you don't want it to be a tulpa, make yourself believe that it's just a part of your imagination and has no power over you.

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Exactly what Amber/Toby said. Your mind, your rules :P

 

You could ask him if he's a tulpa. Depending on his answer, you could go from there. If he is, then I'm not sure what to say. On one hand, I never like to say that you should get rid of a tulpa because of obvious moral reasons. But on the other hand, if you truly, really, absolutely are 100% certain that he is a malevolent being/is a threat to your wellbeing, then I'd suggest getting rid of him. I'd imagine it'd be difficult but it's your mind so you call the shots.

 

Seriously, though. If he's a tulpa make sure that he's absolutely evil before even considering having him killed. I'd imagine that there's probably a better explanation for the creepy/frightened feeling that you've been getting. Tulpas aren't generally malevolent beings. In fact, I can't name a single instance of a tulpa harming their host. I believe that it's possible, seeing as how if tulpas are truly their own beings and people then they would be capable of evil things, just like humans, but I don't think that it's likely. Harm to the host means harm to the tulpa, so I don't really see a reason for a tulpa to harm the host :P

 

If the being turns out to be a tulpa, I'd try talking it out with him to figure out how to resolve this issue. Maybe someday you two'll be best buddies :P You never know, eh?

Markus is the tulpa, and I don't really have anything else to say.

 

Markus speaks in Blue!

 

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I dunno.. It's like he's a house guest that has overstayed his welcome by a long shot. He's not violent per say, but sometimes I get that vibe. Like, I could be sitting in the dark on my laptop, and there'd just be this UNSETTLING feeling that would develop into fear. And it'd feel like someones there. It doesn't happen often, but last time it did I had a panic attack for the first time and lemme just say- scariest thing ever. Actually, come to think of it, ever since that night it's been a lot easier. Dunno why, but I won't look a gift horse in the mouth. XP I don't speak to him because until recently I just considered it to be something wrong with me personally. I don't know, is he even a tulpa? I sure hope not because I don't want to have epic mental wars where if I win, he's gone, if he wins, he gets the body. *shivers* That's ducking terrifying.

 

I've just been thinking about it for a while, and if he is a tulpa, I want to know.

 

 

I think the issue here may well be your fear. I believe that figures at a lower level can still be regularly molded and shifted around by their host, and from what you've been describing, you've been feeding him a lot of fear and hostility. So, I believe the result was that he became a figure of fear and terror to you, or at least was considered something as bad and evil.

 

I say this based on my own experiences with such events as well, where I attributed some benign mental figures as fearful and malevolent because of my own fears, rather than anything the figure themselves did. As for whether he is a tulpa are not: you actually have to examine and talk to him yourself if you wish to know. We are no in your mind, afterall, and we have only been presented with your fears regarding him, rather than anything her really did, aside from the presence thing. Examine him, and if you find he feels alive, or is conscious, he may have the makings for a companion, assuming you turn around your behavior regarding him. It may be that just being friendly to him again will end the issue, but this is only a guess.

 

Peace.

Sock Cottonwell's

Sketchbook, Journal, and Ask thread.

Peace

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Exactly what Amber/Toby said. Your mind, your rules :P

 

You could ask him if he's a tulpa. Depending on his answer, you could go from there. If he is, then I'm not sure what to say. On one hand, I never like to say that you should get rid of a tulpa because of obvious moral reasons. But on the other hand, if you truly, really, absolutely are 100% certain that he is a malevolent being/is a threat to your wellbeing, then I'd suggest getting rid of him. I'd imagine it'd be difficult but it's your mind so you call the shots.

 

Seriously, though. If he's a tulpa make sure that he's absolutely evil before even considering having him killed. I'd imagine that there's probably a better explanation for the creepy/frightened feeling that you've been getting. Tulpas aren't generally malevolent beings. In fact, I can't name a single instance of a tulpa harming their host. I believe that it's possible, seeing as how if tulpas are truly their own beings and people then they would be capable of evil things, just like humans, but I don't think that it's likely. Harm to the host means harm to the tulpa, so I don't really see a reason for a tulpa to harm the host :P

 

If the being turns out to be a tulpa, I'd try talking it out with him to figure out how to resolve this issue. Maybe someday you two'll be best buddies :P You never know, eh?

 

 

If he is a tulpa, he's going to know each and every one of my darkest secrets and how I am, all of the embarrassing things... I'm not sure I'm ready to face someone with all of that knowledge. I've considered him my demon for a long time, too, so I'm sure it'd be awkward... :\

 

But... killing a tulpa is basically like killing a human, right?

 

And, I mean, I've always felt something there (jesusss). That's why I don't quite feel alone even when I am. ;__; I'm... not exactly sure what to do. I've hated him for a long time, and he's always just been there, prompting me to continue daydreaming, which I don't feel any need to anymore, which is strange. All I feel now is that he is there, watching basically. I got over the feeling of being stalked a LONG time ago, so not really an issue there. And... now that I think about it, it's improved a LOT over the past few months. Whoa. but, I'm afraid that if I reopen the pathway to him, I'll be swarmed with the guy again. He's still in my thoughts nearly all day, tho, but not NEARLLLLYY as much as before. Do you think he's dying?

"The world is ending out there. Who cares who I am?" ~Lee Everett

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Eh... This is one of the reasons I'm thinking of making a tulpa. Like you, my 'daydream' world consists of characters from anime mostly, but with my own twists. The character that I'd say 'stuck' is very vaguely based of Blake Belladonna from RWBY. However, her name, history and personality are too different for them to be the same. This character has gone through many name changes and tweaks. When the 'subject' of my 'daydream' changes, she is always there, except with a different name and background. However, she always has black hair and amber eyes.

You could say I started this when I was about 8. I just accepted it and moved on. She was originally based off some character from Sonic the Hedgehog I think.

Yeah. Hummm... I do a similar thing. However, I don't think it's a tulpa, at least my character doesn't feel like one, but if I do create a tulpa, it will be 'her'.

(She sometimes has a daemon, like me, however her's tends to be physical in her world.)

About the fear thing... My character, Mikasa Aiko, isn't particularly dark or psychotic. However, she isn't that bright and sunny. I do get the feeling that I'm being watched by someone other than my daemon (Faunon and I are very separated), but it doesn't feel particularly sinister.

To conclude, I don't hate her. I like her. I think we'd get along pretty well. When I was younger, I used to hope she was real -_-

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If he is a tulpa, he's going to know each and every one of my darkest secrets and how I am, all of the embarrassing things... I'm not sure I'm ready to face someone with all of that knowledge. I've considered him my demon for a long time, too, so I'm sure it'd be awkward... :\

 

But... killing a tulpa is basically like killing a human, right?

 

And, I mean, I've always felt something there (jesusss). That's why I don't quite feel alone even when I am. ;__; I'm... not exactly sure what to do. I've hated him for a long time, and he's always just been there, prompting me to continue daydreaming, which I don't feel any need to anymore, which is strange. All I feel now is that he is there, watching basically. I got over the feeling of being stalked a LONG time ago, so not really an issue there. And... now that I think about it, it's improved a LOT over the past few months. Whoa. but, I'm afraid that if I reopen the pathway to him, I'll be swarmed with the guy again. He's still in my thoughts nearly all day, tho, but not NEARLLLLYY as much as before. Do you think he's dying?

 

Here's a post that I think might be a bit relevant to that first bit. You can set up boundaries if you want to keep him out of your secrets. Many people find the use of symbolism helpful for setting boundaries. Like, you could set up a spot in your mind(for this example we could use a library) that would represent all of the secrets you'd like to keep private. You could then create a lock on the doors and only give yourself the key, representing that only you have access to that information. Or you could go even more... heavy handed(not really sure if that's the right phrase but I can't seem to find the word I'm looking for :/ ) with the symbolism and just put a huge unbreakable wall that only you can walk through or something like that :P

 

Yes, it's generally accepted that killing your tulpa against it's will is as bad as the murder of another human.

 

Your continued sense of his presence and your difficulty with ignoring him seems to indicate to me that, even if he's not a tulpa, he certainly is more sophisticated than an ordinary daydream character. The question of whether or not you should reopen the pathway to him to discuss what he is is ultimately up to you. Personally, I'd probably do it because I tend to be somewhat recklessly curious at times :P I'd try to ignore any fears about him swarming you if you do decide to reopen the pathway though. Ironic process theory could come into play if you try to force the fears out, and keeping the fears could lead to him swarming you as well.

 

Do I think he's dying? Maybe. It's hard to tell since I can't feel his presence. I would imagine that if you've been ignoring him that he'd get weaker, though.

Markus is the tulpa, and I don't really have anything else to say.

 

Markus speaks in Blue!

 

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