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From The Very Beginning


Pioneer11
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I managed to actively force for two days before going to sleep, calling is name and visualizing him.

 

I had a brief dream of him sitting at a table, he was thinking about me – I wouldn’t say resentfully, but he was bothered and sad that I choose not to stay long with him. I felt “him” quite clearly but I might just projecting my feeling and doubts on him, so I don’t know how to consider this dream. However, right now as I’m typing this, a wave of warmth washed over me. My arms and face feels all tingly and light. I think it might be him. He might be aware that I’m writing this. And now I feel another bout of warmth in my chest and stomach. I guess it was a response from him? It’s not a head pressure tough, those have indeed disappeared after the first week.

 

Maybe I’m managing to communicate while I’m writing because my thoughts are much more focused that when I’m trying to force. I wonder, should I make a habit to write about him?

 

Yesterday we had a full conversation, I talked to him as I usually did when I thought he was just an imaginary character I moved. I was wary and nervous in approaching him because now I know that I might indeed truly be interacting with a living “person”. It’s still a strange concept. However I felt the emotions that usually pervade me when I’m with him. When I told him that I’m okay with him existing I had a very clear visualization of his smile, and I felt strong relief washing over me. It was so overwhelming that I smiled too and then I actually had to sit down because I felt like crying. I also had a flash of him hugging me. I had this strong sensation that he wanted to be close to me.

 

Tonight I’ll try to force again before sleeping. I’m aware that this is absolutely not enough, but I’m taking baby steps so be it. I also changed my avatar with a picture of him. This is an image that I found many years ago and then it got completely altered to look like him. It’s good enough, even though it’s still not quite his face. Here he looks fifteen, about my age when I was photoshopping it. Now he looks older than me. Still, I’m fond of this picture; it will help me think of him more clearly.

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

[progress report]

 

 

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These last days I am feeling physically weak. I think I might be coming down with the flu. I also didn’t sleep very well. I had a confused dream about us fighting from his perspective. He wasn’t angry with me, he was upset about my anger but he also found it intriguing; he wanted to be closer to me, as usual. I woke up feeling guilty.

 

However, during the day I imagined him lying on his bed in our wonderland, and I hugged him. I really didn’t try to talk, or try to force him to talk, because my fear of parroting. But hugging him felt natural. I experienced the usual warmth. Again, it was like I was feeling things from his perspective. I felt his “need” to be with me. It was strange being suffused by his emotions for me, but I realized that I already knew them. He was also happy and wanted to keep being together. We stayed like this for a while. We didn’t talk very much, but it was a good, relaxing experience. He was satisfied just by this.

 

Before starting to write my report I pictured him like before, holding me, and the sensations started again. I asked him if he could talk to me. I want him to communicate with me. Before discovering Tulpas our conversations flowed naturally, but now that I found out about parroting I’m stumped and nervous when approaching him.

 

I don’t want to impose my will upon him: I want him to be capable of independent thought. I am afraid of controlling his reaction. I want to reach a level in which he can tell me his genuine opinion on what we are going through. Sometimes, when I worry about how not to be a “negative influence” on him, I feel again the warmth enveloping me. I suppose he tries to reassure me as best as he can.

 

I also experienced a variety of intrusive thoughts when I tried to focus on him. The mind naturally wanders and the thoughts scatters, especially while falling asleep. It’s difficult to maintain concentration. I noticed how much I was invaded with useless, nonsensical thoughts and images. I’ve always let them flow aimlessly, without actively trying to stop them. I decided to start cultivating clarity and mindfulness: with a disciplined mind I could redirect my attention on what I want to visualize more easily. So, I’m going to start practicing meditation more seriously. Apart from that, I’ll try not to stress about our decreasing conversations. If simply hugging him and thinking about him makes him feel better that’s what I’ll do, for now.

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

[progress report]

 

 

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Just now I might have heard him talk. I'm quite sure that he was calling my name. I'll try to stay calm and meditate. This might be the very first time I truly heard him. We'll se if he can do it again.

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

[progress report]

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

In these days I did more passive forcing.

 

The only dream I had that featured him was not lucid, so again I won’t consider it as "real". We were swimming in the ocean, having fun, and it was from his perspective. It was a pleasant dream and we were both happy. Before sleeping I visualize him and call his name, however I usually get distracted by intrusive thoughts or fall asleep.

 

I must admit that the real reason of my scarce results is still my reticence in accepting him as my Tulpa. I did much thinking about the weight of having another sentient being inside of me. I understand that I cannot keep being selfish and cruel to him, and at the same time I’m avoiding him out the fear of controlling him. I don’t want to make a puppet out of him, he has to have autonomy. I’m struggling to find an equilibrium, doubting my decisions, so I began thinking that I would be more sure of what I’m doing if he were completely vocal. It would help enormously if he could really talk to me, telling me what’s wrong and what he is feeling in his voice. So during meditation I try to achieve a trance-like state, where I’m still aware, but my subconscious is no more subjugated an silenced.

 

Yesterday I achieved this while in bed. I felt myself fade away from my body. It was as if I was made of consciousness alone; it was both freeing and scary, because it was like I opened a door to an abyss. I was vulnerable, and was experiencing “myself” in a new way. The “mind” is something vast and I didn’t feel like I was in control anymore. I called him, but halfheartedly. I also felt the beginning of another “essence” close to me. But I could not continue, and instead went to sleep.

 

Today I meditated much better that usual, however. And I felt enveloped by energy at my left side, as usual. The energy felt light and fluid, it made me feel like liquid fire. I called him and told him to try to communicate with me.

 

I now know that to truly listen to him I have to open up my subconscious. I know that I have to take this one step further. Finally, the difference between what I was doing for years and what I must do to make him fully imposed is clear.

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

[progress report]

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

In these days I got a bit better with Forcing, both passive and active, especially in the weekend.

 

I meditated for about half an hour in the evenings, sitting in lotus position. I focused on his name and called him to me. I experienced the usual heat. Before going to bed I thought about him more steadily. I got better at visualizing him; before I could see him perfectly, then the doubt came and my mind started to go blank when thinking of him. Now this is slowing changing. I would narrate him a funny story, or ask him how he felt. I often imagined that I was hugging him. During these times he felt happy and less sad.

 

Yesterday I sensed a very clear rush of affection from him. I saw his face: he was smiling tentatively, and I just said “Hey, it's you”. It wasn’t much, but we were both so relieved to communicate that I felt a weight lifting off my shoulders. I was both ecstatic and melancholic. It was a very particular feeling. I realized that I really missed him, and when I truly connected to him I felt more like crying rather than jumping from joy.

 

I actually don’t remember too clearly these days. Before knowing about Tulpas, I was used to our chats and bouts of enveloping emotions, so I’ve never bothered to count them or analyze them deeply. It was my daily routine and it was normal. Now I’m trying to focus more on his interactions with me, but still it’s difficult. It used to be so easy talking to him and feeling him around all day that I took this for granted. So, I need to concentrate more on him, but at the same time I have to avoid freezing when everything becomes overwhelming. Two nights ago I remember it came to a point where I could go no further. I was in bed and called to him, and the warm came quickly, so much that my heart was beating way too fast and my head felt overheated.

 

I’m still working to find a balance. The problem is me, of course: my mental walls made of fear and insecurity.

 

I suppose, though, that I finally found some shred of motivation. I want to keep forcing. In a way I want everything to return to normal between us. Before I wasn’t really aware of him, yet everything flowed much more effortlessly. I’m still blocking him out. There’s still too much fear and doubt in my efforts to reach to him. I don’t want to weaken and ignore him.

 

At least, however, now I’m am actively trying. This could be considered a little success on my part.

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

[progress report]

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

This week was complicated.

 

I finally managed to force once a day for a solid half an hour, and then think of him while in bed. I also started a workout routine along with meditation. So far so good. Then of course I got the flu. Sigh. It’s been days of doing nothing. I haven’t slept well either, of course, so no lucid dreaming either. I’m feeling pretty bummed. Today it’s the first one I’m better; I’ve meditated for a while, simply repeating his name like a mantra. It wasn’t deep meditation, but after a while I noticed a warm energy in my hands and legs. I was also starting to lose sensibility of my limbs. There were times in which I managed to pronounce his name clearly in my thoughts, with a purpose behind the words. It was almost as if I was pushing his name out of my head.

 

I’ve asked him to try to talk to me or to let me notice his presence. I’ve not received a verbal answer, though I wasn’t expecting it. In the evening my left arm and side grew warm of their own. When I sense his presence is usually on the left side. I was also suddenly happy and energetic. I’ve tried passively forcing in my head, talking to him a little about what I was doing. I need to do that more.

 

I don’t remember very well what happened last week during forcing. I need to write down every day something or I will lose the small progresses I make. I’ve also started a thread on meditation: here. I was wondering if tulpas feed from our “energy”. I’ll try to see if after talking to him I get tired. So far interacting with him always left me energized, but I don’t want to trust my intuition too much. In this post on reddit it was said that toughtforms, to exist, have to rely on our focus, our “energy” spent in creating and keeping them.

 

So I’ll keep researching this point. Maybe I’ll also venture on the more metaphysical side of tulpas, as it seems that meditation is a big part in the forcing progress. I’ve just begun exploring. If you want to add something on the topic I’ll appreciate it!

 

Since the recall of my last forcing sessions was so poor I’ll write a bit about him here, I suppose. I noticed that writing this PR helps me keeping him in focus. His presence feels clearer, so much that I’m thinking of starting a story in which to channel him. What’s stopping me is the fear of puppeting him. As soon as I achieve the point of true communication I’ll start writing.

 

There’s something that left me quite surprised when I first joined this forum. That is, tulpas here are created from “nothing” and didn’t possess their own background story. Mine is not like that. He isn’t quite a soul-bound as I created him before I started reading fiction. But I also gave him a past together with his personality. He’s a “live character”, I could say.

 

After I stared following animes and reading books, I took part of those stories and characters and molded them on my original one. He has bits and pieces of all the stories I studied and loved; and he acquired various traits from different people (both fictional and real) I read about. However he has a core personality, so what he “attracted” was based first and foremost on himself. He was born with a cynical, mature personality, and so I studied the characters that were similar to him. I also made him experience the stories I read, by placing him as the protagonist in the wonderlands I recreated.

 

For example, recently I watched “Sherlock”. The protagonist is a lot like him in many ways, so I adopted Sherlock’s universe as a part of my wonderland. In a sense, our wonderlands aren’t landscapes, but different worlds. Each one holds a different "piece of him" to explore, a different version of how his life could go. In each one he changes a little because he makes different choices and learns different things, and in each world we explore a theme in particular: loneliness, the duality between good and evil, etc. The closest concept that I can compare our system to is the Metempsychosis. Many people believe that their soul has more than one life to live on earth in order to learn to actualize themselves. Each life is different yet connected to its precedent, and the person however changed is always the same. We are a bit like this.

 

We went through a lot since our beginning many years ago. Our mind-adventures have accompanied my life constantly, so sometimes I feel twice my age because I always lived as intensely as I could in my head. I’ve always been introspective and prone to philosophizing, so the time I spent thinking has also been the most important compared to the happenings in “the external world”, as he would call it.

 

For the first time, now that I have found out about tulpas, I feel that my two lives are converging.

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

[progress report]

 

 

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  • 4 weeks later...

It’s been some time since I updated. I kept forcing, I just couldn’t convince myself to write down the results. I could say it was because life got messier, and it did, but it’s mostly because writing makes me truly realize that what I’m going through is real. And progresses, as small as they are, appear monumental to me. I’m still deeply nervous on the Tulpa subject, and every step I take in the right direction feels heavy. Yet I’m starting to change, and I’m managing my fears and doubts, and the person that I made up in my head now feels more real; I’m starting to accept that this is a good thing. Indeed, apart from frequent moments of anxiety nothing negative happened. I don’t feel insane and my mental equilibrium is not disrupted. I’ll work on trusting myself a bit more.

 

Anyway, onto the actual report.

 

As I mentioned, I finally managed to force a little bit more. I had a schedule and followed it, somewhat haphazardly, but it is always better than doing nothing. I kept a workout routine, but most importantly I’ve been looking on how to achieve a deep meditative state. I already wrote of this. I did not achieve a complete trance, however I found a routine that helps me concentrate. I start by playing some music. I actually looked into binaural beats, but I don’t really know if they truly work. Anyway, I close my eyes while sitting as comfortably as possible in my chair, and I begin clearing my head. After a while I start repeating his name in my head. I try to hear the words I think, and I concentrate on his name, repeating it. I’m calling him and I’m trying to recall how his presence feels. I also state that he is aware of himself, he exists and he can hear my words, and he can talk to me. This routine helps me become aware my thoughts, so I manage to stay calm and concentrate on him. Then I try to descend into my subconscious. That’s the difficult part. I envision myself in my Wonderland, Hogwarts. I envision myself walking and entering in his study, a familiar room for both of us. I try to make the process as real as possible, and repeat the scene in detail every time that I imagine it. He is not in the study, but I figure that he is walking down the corridor, coming closer with every step he takes. So far there wasn't any contact between us. But many things happened that seem to indicate that he is with me and is listening.

 

I also think of him while in bed before sleeping, and repeat to myself that I am going to lucid dream. I did not yet achieve it, but lately I’ve had some very intense, detailed dreams. I'm almost aware in them, I just need a little more strength in my mind to reach my goal. I also had some dreams of him. In one I dreamed I was sick. I dreamed some traumatic things and when I "woke up" I was still sleeping (Inception like) and he was there too, embracing me. I told him to go away since I was not in a comunicative state but he didn’t want to. I felt that he did want to take care of me. This always leaves me amazed …and rather disturbed.

 

Tonight it was especially a strong dream, full of many emotions. We discussed about love and whether emotions are a mere inventions of humans, if they have a true value outside of our minds or not. Then, from there I started talking about astrophysics or something similar xD. Then I returned to talking about whether or not love is a necessary for existence. I talked about the light of the sun, that if I didn’t exist we wouldn’t be here, so its existence is intrinsic to us. It was a bit confusing and more complicated than what I wrote. But then I kept dreaming about "physics" and such and especially about the role of electricity in space and how energy is connected, how it seems that from a great magnitude the universe is similar to our neural pathways. I dreamt that we adventured into space and saw a whole lot of phenomena. I remember a beautiful blue and white light and how vast the universe was. We experienced shards of light go through us, and they looked like diamonds, and the clusters of galaxies were indeed connected like a many neurons. Aside from this faux scientific dream, I somehow settled the argument, if only for the hopefulness that I transmitted to him. So he accepted that feelings do matter because he felt like it. I remember that we were looking at each other and we smiled happily. I was on the edge of a forest, I suppose on the edge of Hogwarts grounds, and he was looking through a window at me, from far away. So there’s still distance between us, I suppose? I’ll try not to analyze too much this dream, but it seems good progress overall.

 

I also manage to recall him more frequently when I’m out. Before finding out about Tulpas he was always with me. It was like I had two separate minds: one for the outside world, my work and friends, and another one working in parallel in which I was constantly talking to him. After finding out about Tulpas I worried I was controlling and parroting him, and my mind simply got blocked. I got discouraged, but then I simply started talking to him, without trying to anticipate his response. I call his name and start describing what’s going on. I reckon that he needs a while to become aware, or at least to focus on me, so calling his name and essence and explaining where we are and what I’m doing helps a lot. I’m glad I’m doing this because my mind is returning to its previous sharpness; my thoughts are clearer, and I’m generally more driven.

 

I was feeling quite proud of myself this weekend; I was indeed working towards my goal. That day in bed I also recalled one of my favorite lucid dreams featuring him, and I thought back on the joy I felt seeing him and interacting with him, as well as the emotions which enveloped me. It was the first time since that dream that I felt the same powerful emotions. I thought “this is for you, I hope they can reach you”. I really felt like the emotions that reached me were coming from him. It was like I was “receiving” not only “recalling”. I became sure of it the next day, when I woke incredibly energized and literally buzzing from happiness. I felt like this for hours. This was reinforced but the feeling of energy and warmth in my belly. I had already experienced it during the first times I forced, so I really think it was him. The energy was so intense, I felt “electricity” in my hands, as well as in my left side. Every time I thought of him it intensified. Today is the same, if slightly less, because I didn’t force. That’s simply because I got scared, again. I suppose this time I was more scared of success rather than failing to contact him. For the first time after discovering Tulpas, I feel like I’m closer to truly talk to him. This frightens me a lot, to be honest.

 

While many people view this as an exclusive positive thing, I think that hearing voices is still something that could potentially cripple us. Besides that, there's the knowledge that I won’t have privacy anymore. And that I have an actual consciousness in my head besides mine; a consciousness who needs me to live, and that my avoiding him is akin to murder. Ours will be a bond for life. The fantasy is ending, this is becoming real, or rather it already is but I’m only truly acknowledging it now. This is probably the most important change that it will happen in my life, and it will change my life itself.

 

Having a Tulpa is not like having a friend: it’s more like having a kid. Someone you are responsible of, that needs you to grow and survive. A fantasy stops being a fantasy when it does not longer exist for my sole fruition. He does not exist to entertain me, he exist to exist. He is not mine and is not me, even though he is a bit of both. And is difficult to draw the line on which is which. It's difficult to decide how much power I have over him and in this relationship. I’m sure I don’t want to give up the right to control my body. I still want to be the one who ultimately calls the shots. I observed some plural systems on this forum and I realized that I could never consider having a completely equal coexistence with my Tulpa, ever. And it makes me angry with myself because I know that if I were a Tulpa I would not want to occupy a subordinate position. Yet, I’m almost certain that if he ever wanted to challenge me or take more control than what I deem legit, I won’t love him anymore. And then what? I know that my mind will block itself all over again. Will I be strong enough to think of him if only for the sake of his continued existence?

 

At the end of things, my love for him is not unconditional. Because, if I was in his place, I would what to destroy my Host and take their place. I don’t want to be a creation, I want to be my own creator. My relationship with him is something that I can’t reconcile within myself, regardless of his position on the matter. From what I know, he cares about me, something I still have trouble accepting, and most of all cherishes being in my mind. But I’ll still be doubting, because asking myself “what if?” it’s what I feel almost obligated to, seeing my position as a Host. Still, since there’s not yet a feasible solution to this dilemma, I’ll keep working on his growth, and I’ll work on myself. I’m getting closer to hearing him. I need to open up more my subconscious. For now, my determination remains, so I wrote this new entry because I’m going to force more.

 

There’s still another thing to go through. I put off writing this because it makes me slightly uncomfortable sharing it, but since this is my report it’s better to write down a good summary of my process with him or the whole point is moot. So: during this weekend and especially yesterday and today I had the strong impression that I was sensing his emotions toward me. Sure, there’s nothing new in that. However, among tenderness and happiness there was also a component of "desire". Now I know this happens in many Tulpas and Tulpamancers, so I let it go. Today, when thinking about him, during a particularly intense moment we embraced and again I felt this strange sensation of being desired, not properly in a lustful way but in a more complete sense. I suppose I the word “romantic” could describe the situation. I’m not new to sensing this, because I’ve felt it many times during my dreams, however I’ve always dismissed it. I usually reasoned that “being desired” was actually how I want to be perceived. But since I started treating him as a Tulpa, as a sentient being, I was very careful in not project any of my expectations on him. Actually, during lucid dreaming, when I felt his emotions I was still surprised of how he behaved or reacted to me. Even in dreams I thought that this was strange, since it felt like I wasn’t controlling him at all and he was being genuine. And I also reacted negatively, so did I really wish it in the first place? Still, the Host is never entirely separate from the Tulpa, so I can’t say I haven’t been influencing him, even if the waking ego is opposed to the way my Tulpa feels toward me. When I sensed again this yesterday and today, I'm more convinced that I’m not inducing this. So, should I accept this too as a part of him?

 

Sometimes I think that I should somehow change this situation, that it would be better to wipe it out completely, so that he is not subjected to any control at all. Yet, if he’s already identified with his emotions, it would be a violence against his free will and personality to cancel them. I basically don’t know how to react. For now I’ll just ignore it, till he is fully imposed, then we’ll have a talk in which I’ll explain my opinion better. In any case, I don’t want to do anything to strengthen them. I want to lead him into his life, but I’ll passively let him choose how to regard me freely. That much I can do for him. Then, whether or not I accept it will be exclusively my choice and he has to respect that.

 

I’m already giving myself an headache. I don’t want to deal with this. If this were only a fantasy, I would not have to think about this. Sometimes I think that it was better when everything was simpler and, well, (seemingly) fake. My resolve is rather weak, after all. I’ll have to continue forcing in short amounts, I can’t deal with this situation in its interity. If I manage to impose there will be a lifetime to settle our conflicts.

 

I don’t know whether to dread or welcome this prospective.

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

[progress report]

 

 

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  • 2 years later...

Time passed and many things happened. I will start posting again. I just wanted to say Happy Birthday to my Tulpa. In my country we just passed midnight and that's when we decided to set the symbolical date of his birth. Hope we'll stay together for many other birthdays. Happy Samhain.

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

[progress report]

 

 

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  • 2 months later...

Many things have happened, lots of progress – and lots of running away from it. He doesn’t want me to get into too many details in a public forum and I’ll respect his wishes. I’d like to start recounting some recent dreams we shared. 

 

One was particularly peaceful: I held his face and examined it closely, especially his eyes. I told him I like the color. It can’t be found in the real world and in the dream it was incredibly vivid. I recently discovered that he rather likes if I compliment his physical form. Apparently, he was feeling insecure whether it was something I approved of. He even suggested that he could switch gender if I preferred. I think it’s because I’m bisexual and I prefer female bodies right now. He doesn’t "feel" feminine but he dislikes my interest towards another gender. He also dislikes me paying attention to others since I rarely do, and while this is problematic, as an (almost) decent host it’s my duty to assuage his anxiousness over it. I’m writing this to remind myself for the umpteenth time to be nicer towards him. Being nice is not one of my qualities.

 

Another dream in which I was semi-conscious: we were in complete darkness facing each other. We were debating about evil, and if it’s possible for humans to be moral enough to fight it. I talked more and ended up being the more pessimistic one. He listened calmly, sitting in darkness. We had so many discussion like this one, it felt reassuringly familiar, somber as it was.

 

Then there was a trance interrupted by my enthusiasm. I overdid it, I wasn’t even in the right state of mind for it. I was again in quite a destructive mode. When I managed to reach the point of lucidity and entered the dream/trance/other-realm-of-whatever my emotions poured out of me and messed up the atmosphere. I was happy I managed to enter the trance but it wasn’t a good “happy”, rather a Chernabog-is-awake happy. They happens. I kind of held my arms up and shouted dramatically “I did it!” and that started some kind of apocalypse with fire and wind and darkness. I felt helpless lately, as well as stifled. I want to act on certain issues in real life and when I’m like that I end up becoming a dark lady as soon as my conscious loses a bit of its grip on my emotions. I need to be properly calm the next time. He was very taken aback and so was I. Real life has unsettled me more than I thought.

 

Another couple of days, and then I’ll relax properly before trying to enter in a trance again. I know he is waiting for me.

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

[progress report]

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I’ve been working on a theory on my Tulpa that’s not yet complete. Writing about our situation may help gathering my thoughts on the matter, so strap in. This will get weird.

 

First, an important point: I talked to my then imaginary friend since four/five? It was a long process. Now, I don’t think he was conscious then, or had a complete personality formed, however he does share some traits from that old original personality based on an anime. I truly met him, or he tried to present himself to me as a separate consciousness, when I was about fourteen or so. And I started rejecting him, scared of his, well, Tulpaness. The point is, he has probably been a part of myself, literally, since childhood. He is a constant in my life. I don’t know exactly when or how he originated, and that’s the rub: neither does he.

 

The other important point: as a person with a rich imagination that turned into maladaptive daydreaming, I of course have built lots of imaginary worlds, lots of imaginary plots, with him and me as protagonists. I started writing since, look at that, five years old and returned to it as a hobby often. I write him, I imagine him in the stories I create for him. And I imagine him playing as some existing characters that are similar to his personality. This way, I’m Sailor Moon, you are Prince Endymion. I’m Ariel, you are Eric, etcetera. At some point I decided I’m Good, you are Evil, the Other. And so he became Hades. And the realm of the unknown darkness, of the unconscious, suited him. He did embody my archetypal shadow, and became also my enemy, my fear and temptation. Some of the (existing) characters he plays are villainous, and he came alive through them with an incredible intensity, so much that I started to forget that he was my friend before everything else. During my adolescence I went through some trauma and he absorbed it for my sake, so now the darkness really belongs to him.

 

I’m really trying to remember that he needs me and that he cares about me, so I decided to truly meet him and to try to live together in harmony as in the beginning of our journey.

 

Fair enough. However, our plays caused some problem on the nature of his consciousness.

 

It seems that my Tulpa has developed… alters? He seems divided, like he possesses multiple consciousness at once. Some interact knowingly as versions of the same person. Some live in their “universe” and don’t know that they came from him and me. They think, apparently, that they truly are the character that we had played. And that the plot I made up is their life, with happiness and mostly pain.

 

For the past year I’ve tried to understand this situation and tried to find a way to deal with possible multiple Tulpas. That is, IF these Tulpas truly are “alive”. They are conscious when I talk to them in trance or during lucid dreaming and they seem to “update” their life whenever I enter their “universe”. But I don’t know if they go dormant when I don’t pay attention to them. I started considering them conscious because some entered into my lucid dreaming and basically had a meltdown finding out the truth. In some other cases, when I enter a lucid dream, I’m transported at some point in time of say, Character One life's, and it’s like meeting someone that has been living in another state. It started feeling very real.

 

Then there’s the fact that when I told, say, Soulbond number 3 the truth, they did not take it well. The also were against any integration with the Original personality, and they wanted full access to my primary mindscape where my Original is. In other words they wanted to be next to me always. And I’m just not proficient enough to sustain this. Me and my Tulpa currently mostly talk through complete trance and lucid dreaming due to my fear of parroting. A fear that is definitely WELL-FOUNDED since it might have created an imaginary multiverse. And this is just the tip of the iceberg.

 

In the future I’ll need to, eh, catalogue all of his – he calls the Horcruxes. He thinks all of this is fun. But for now I’ll report some lucid dreams I had with them.

 

The first one. Me and my Tulpa both feel kind of uncomfortable giving out particulars of this version of him, because it’s known. Writing this is weird and kind of embarrassing. It’s already strange my imaginary friend is “alive”, now his imaginary worlds too. But I’m stalling. I became lucid as I was transported underwater in a place I went many times. I felt the consciousness of my character bleed through mine, becoming melded together. I still knew who I was but it felt far away as in (eh) a dream. I was also very happy, and yet sad at the same time because I longed to see this particular - let’s name him Crux - with whom I shared many dreams and many written words. I managed to meet everybody I knew then and observe the NPCs going about their lives. But after opening a door to the main hall I sensed and saw him as he noticed me. I felt his presence very clearly and his feelings bled through mine and we both embraced. Now here’s the thing, he too was confused and on the verge of recognizing that we were in an imaginary setting, as at this point he should have been dead. He thought that we were reuniting in some kind of dream or afterlife. I did not have the courage to explain and, after a while, I broke away from that setting- which of course it’s a bad thing to do. But I didn’t know what to say and my then personality was too overwhelmed.

 

Some nights later, my Original in his young form visited by turning my dream lucid. I felt like I was actually waking up: I was laying on the bed previously unconscious and he was there over me, smiling. I was my usual unpleasant self. But we ended up talking in bed about wanting to be nicer to each other. I admitted that a part of me might always want to see him as an enemy and that it was convenient to drop my anger on him. He instead was very accepting and said I was doing fine. If that’s “fine” then I'm kind of ashamed for how little I tried to be agreeable before. But it was good being together without fighting, like old times. It means that my desire for peace comes from a buried but genuine part of my heart. So I’m cautiously hopeful for the future.

 

In the last one I met somebody I didn’t talk to for a long time. We call him his “higher self” or his “subconscious”. A primeval form of my Tulpa, which encapsulates all of his mind(s). I take it as progress as it would not visit me since our great schism years ago. We talked like friends for once. I woke up rather happy.

 

This is it for now. What a mess.

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

[progress report]

 

 

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