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We've come so far


Elvode

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My life is so much upside down... or according to Nash: Right side up, depression makes my issues even bigger, I feel tired and angry everyday, so tired but still I cannot sleep without the help of Nash, we were looking at the stars last night, it gave me a nice feeling and I finally fell asleep.

My neighborhood is my biggest issue or my only issue, I don't quite remember all of them, Nash used to say "if you can't remember your problem or don't know why you feel sad, there simply is no problem."

I need a new apartment else I'm going nuts, my dangerous neighborhood is even more dangerous I feel, the bad people won't leave me alone, they wish to hurt my dog and use him to make puppies just to earn money, it makes me feel so sad, he's not even allowed to be out by himself on the balcony, that's how bad it is, cause the bad person will talk to him.

I always had the feeling that Nash just knows everything, he has an answer for everything all the time and he reminds me of things I need to do, like making that phone call today which I failed to do but he reminded me about it, it's just two seconds later I forgot about it again and he left, when he returned in the evening he asked "you didnt make that phone call did you?" and I'm like "...... oO... I forgot..." and he says "I knew it."

But that's my wonderful disease, making me forget things after like two seconds, but that's ok, I still get stuff done when Nash decide to force me to do it. :P

I'm so lazy it's insane...

 

What if wonderland was a portal, I suddenly remembered something that happened some days ago, I was stuck in a sleep paralyze again, but this is the first time Nash have been away and not helped me, he always tells me what is real and how to wake up, this time I had to wake up by myself and it took forever, I hallucinated a person.. a very dangerous person in my apartment, I could see he wasn't real cause he was half way up in the ceiling. :P

I however thought my dog was real but he was an hallucination apparently, my real dog was sleeping in my bedroom. :P

Later that evening I thought, since I'm fully conscious and aware that I am sleeping/awake when I'm in a sleep paralyze, what would happen if I entered wonderland?

I gotta try that sometime even tho Nash hate it when I experiment with wonderland.

Sleep paralyze have started to feel pretty much normal and I'm not panicking anymore even tho it is very scary to hallucinate dream things in my apartment.

In my very first sleep paralyze, I saw someone in my bed and could feel someone was there like physically beside me, this person kept pushing me down when I tried to sit up, Nash explained I was in a sleep paralyze and not awake, he told me how to wake up and that person wasn't real, good thing I have my good friend to explain such scary things.

**Proud to be a drug free thoughtform!**

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People seem to think that I talk to myself, that's what they see, but that's not what i'm doing.

I usually talk to Nash out loud when I'm reading something to discuss it or when I'm shopping or studying, whenever my mind is busy thinking of something else, I'm speaking out loud without myself noticing until people are looking at me like I'm a weirdo, it's just easier that way, I've always been the crazy dude in others eyes anyway so it doesn't really matter. :P it's just everyone kows who I am and where I live because my dog is like a celebrity in my town, he loves the attention but I hate it..

 

I made a succesfull attempt last night to meditate and I never actually entered meditation state but I didn't fall asleep, that's the successful part about it! :D

Nash didn't feel like observing me, he just left and said "your impossible!" but I blame the clock, cause it made a very loud tick sound, made it extra difficult to meditate.

 

I ended up listening to the Tulpaudcast alone, Nash didn't want to listen with me, he said "... this is weird..." and left, I don't really know what he found to be weird but I sure enjoyed it!

Listening to others experiences is very interesting, it's very different from reading a text, there was something mentioned that I wished to try and Nash was like "NOOO we ARE NOT gonna do that!" Can't remember what it was thanks to my disease, I guess Nash is happy about it at least, he said "good, then it stays forgotten."

He's not the kind of person who wants to experiment and stuff, when I asked about switching he said "there is no purpose for switching." that's the kinda guy he is.

It's like he need a reason to do some stuff but we do possession cause he says it has a purpose, I'm kinda like that too I guess, I won't do anything unless it has a purpose.

Before him I was like a wild child, I was everywhere at the same time, just running around everywhere exploring, going on adventures, always full of energy and people was like "what's wrong with her?" but when Nash came along I became super calm, all that energy just disappeard and people was like "wow she's so calm, impressive!" and my mom was like *proud face*

Nash is always super calm, I have never seen him stressed or angry about anything.

 

He has affected me as a person in many ways during our time together, I never noticed until some people complained and said that I just dissapear and won't tell when I'm leaving my computer, going out or eating and I'm like "why should I tell you that?..." I really can't see why I should, I'm gone for like maximum an hour, can't I just reply when I get back?

Nash has always been like that, he can dissapear for no reason, he will be back later. xD

He also made me stop arguing with people, I always argued or had fights with people just because we disagreed, but he says "everyone may speak their opinion and then it's time to leave it at that, otherwise there will be a fight." he also made me more aware of when people just won't let me have an opinion, he says those are the situations I can argue back but not in a mean way, but calmly reply that I am allowed to have an opinion.

 

Gosh I've got so many thoughts today, perhaps I should leave it for now before this turns into a castle of text instead of a wall.

**Proud to be a drug free thoughtform!**

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I feel I need to apologize for losing my temper last night, I went off topic when I should have just accepted another ones opinion and walked away, I felt offended and needed to say something about it, it felt wrong, but an opinion cannot be right or wrong, it's just different, internet is a very difficult place to be, where a lot of different people come together to discuss and share opinions, there will always be people around you who will not share your opinions and that is ok, we all think in different ways and that is ok too, if everyone think the same way we wouldn't have made any progress in this world.

If I feel offended then that is my problem and only me can control it.

I also apologized to Nash who tried to stop me from writing my post, I did something terrible and shut him out when I should have listened.

 

He helped me progress in my meditation and I succeeded, I didn't fall asleep, it felt like I was gone but still aware, everything was just black and all I could hear was his voice talking to me, I didn't even notice my dog jumping up on my bed, Nash told me and said I should wake up and hug him cause he wanted hugs, I hugged my dog and later fell asleep, happy about my progress in meditation.

 

Thanks for reading.

**Proud to be a drug free thoughtform!**

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I just woke up from a another sleep paralysis, this time I could change one hallucination, they tend to be like they are stuck in a loop, cause they can only perform one single action, one hallucination walked around my apartment and looking into my bedroom, it was my sister I hallucinated and believed to be in my apartment but then I remembered she's not here, she's somewhere else, the hallucination changed into a shadow walking around instead, there was another hallucination, this one gave me things like clothes, ropes and remote controls and other things that makes no sense, he just walked out and came in to me again giving me things, I could feel things piling up and I felt it was hard to breath, another hallucination popped up when I heard my neighbors downstairs, it was a stairway leading down to a smoky realm of chaos which is a totally accurate symbol for my neighbors. :P

I'm just gonna put up a drawing of wonderland or Nash on the wall or both where I can see it, tulpa bracelet is totally not working when I'm in a sleep paralysis and Nash refused to talk to me cause he found it to be hilarious that this guy person was piling up stuff on my while I couldn't move or do anything. <<

I could sense him giggle in the background..

**Proud to be a drug free thoughtform!**

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  • 4 weeks later...

It's been sometime I posted in this one.

We haven't been able to do much other than playing Dragon Age Origin, working and sleeping and of course eating, mostly candy. My depression is getting worse and waiting for an appointment to talk to someone feels like an etirnity, I did get stuck however in another sleep paralysis, I hallucinated santa claus in my hallway, Nash is just having fun, he stoped helping me and started laughing at me instead, it's difficult getting out of it without his help.

But he's a kind person, I'm just not scared anymore of getting stuck like that, it happens a lot so I'm getting used to it, I've also been hallucinating since my childhood when I'm awake, never cared why it happens, still don't care, I've got enough trouble as it is with depression.

Without Nash I wouldn't be able to sleep at all, he makes sure I fall alseep, he also makes sure I won't do anything crazy in my sleep, it have happened before, I was exploring in a cave which in reality was my closet I was standing in fighting my own clothes.

When it's starting to happen I move around a lot and talks in my sleep, Nash is always replying and calming me down, makes sure I won't leave my bed, once I almost fell down the stairs, cause in my dream my entire house was filled with water and I could swim.. could have ended badly.

**Proud to be a drug free thoughtform!**

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  • 2 weeks later...

This report is always on some other page, I guess that's a sign I need to update more often, I'm too lazy sometimes to find it..

I'm feeling so very exhausted..not that my work is... exhausting.. been watching all of Vsauce videos and Vsauce2 and some other movies, there's not gonna be any customers for some time now.. had one customer yesterday and none today.. that means more outdoor work, Nash is helping me find the motivation I need but I almost fell asleep on the desk today cause I'm so super tired.. my boss yelled at me big time two days ago, I've been very sad since then, I didn't deserve it.. wasn't my fault it was my colleague.. he deserve to be yelled at.. even the customers yell at me and I never knew why but two days ago I got to witness his mistakes.. I hate working with all of my heart and soul but Nash makes me smile everyday no matter what.

He kept me awake today when I was about to fall asleep, I saw this white swirl looking like whip cream, I started feeling his presence and he said "if you mix in red and green and eat it all together the flavors and colors will be mixed."

Me - ".... whaaaat?"

Nash - "you were not supposed to sleep."

Me - "wait what! what colors and flavors and what?!"

Nash - "at least your awake. somewhat confused but awake."

 

I'm so going to be sleeping a lot, but I'm going to wonderland first, hopefully I can fall asleep in there, Nash have showed me something new, I totally feel more relaxed when I'm listening to certain songs, I made a playlist of his chosen songs and it makes me fall asleep way easier than ever, he's such a genius! I never really listen to music at all but this is helpful.

**Proud to be a drug free thoughtform!**

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  • 3 weeks later...

We decided to remake our wonderland entirely.. or I decided. I just erased all of wonderland and created a new world, where we have this cave house on top of a mountain with waterfalls and trees and grass and stuff.. wonderlandy stuff.

There's a sky and clouds (no shit)

Haven't really been exploring and I haven't created any kind of animals or people, Nash usually do that part, he create lots of things, he seems to prefer caves tho since he moved our last house into a cave, that's why I decided we should have only one cave instead of a house + cave if that makes any sense.

I also created a universe cause I like to watch planets and stars at night while Nash seems to be more of a daytime kind of guy since it's always daytime when I enter wonderland.

It's different not to see the ocean anymore since wonderland have always looked the same for a very long time, we'v got a great view of the forest instead.

 

Nash likes to try new things lately, we'v been watching a lot of science documentaries about the brain cause it's REALLY interesting how it works, Nash has been like experimenting with my brain.. to see how much he can actually control and he succeeded with shutting off my hunger... that was.. very unusual.. probably not a good idea since hunger is felt for a reason.

**Proud to be a drug free thoughtform!**

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