Stanheights

Cas and Sam's adventures

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I forgot to update today because today was just.. a generally bad day.

 

We got to go home at around 12 and I was really anxious then so I didn't talk to Sam or Mandy and we still haven't talked much.

 

We'll probably talk tomorrow and when I go to bed in a while, though.


Tulpa/s:

Sam (Birthday: July 22) - Blonde/black hair, light skin, tall, introverted, caring, cuddly. Zodiac sign: Cancer.

Mandy (Birthday: January 24) - Red hair, pale skin, outgoing, extroverted, loud, a badass meme queen. Zodiac sign: Aquarius

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I'm starting to think we're in one of those "holes" again.

 

Like, I'm like that with everything. I can do something for a really long time and then the "interest" or motivation goes down for a bit and then it goes up again. I think it's a bit like that with me and Sam and Mandy and talking.

 

We didn't talk much last night because I talked to a friend on skype, and we probably wont be able to talk much either later today because I'm gonna play video games with some friends. I'm gonna ask if they want to watch, of course, but I'm not sure if I'll talk much to them.

 

I guess we did talk a bit today, but earlier days are a little more busy than normal days so it wasn't a lot.

 

Tomorrow I'm going over to my best friend's house to study and we'll stay there for the night I think. I have quite a lot to do, but I hope I'll get a chance to talk to Sam and Mandy too.


Tulpa/s:

Sam (Birthday: July 22) - Blonde/black hair, light skin, tall, introverted, caring, cuddly. Zodiac sign: Cancer.

Mandy (Birthday: January 24) - Red hair, pale skin, outgoing, extroverted, loud, a badass meme queen. Zodiac sign: Aquarius

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As I thought, today's been very quiet.

 

I guess it's mainly been because I've written a song and recorded it in my room. We have talked a tiiiny bit, though. And we will talk more later. Probably. Hopefully.


Tulpa/s:

Sam (Birthday: July 22) - Blonde/black hair, light skin, tall, introverted, caring, cuddly. Zodiac sign: Cancer.

Mandy (Birthday: January 24) - Red hair, pale skin, outgoing, extroverted, loud, a badass meme queen. Zodiac sign: Aquarius

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It's just really bad right now.

 

I went over to my best friend's house yesterday so I was too busy to really talk to Sam and Mandy, and friday wasn't really great either. It's been bad since this week when I got really sad and anxious. I don't know why.

 

I just got really anxious that day and I accidentally convinced myself that I was a bad person and that I trap and use people and stuff like that, and I guess they might've heard it and.. I don't know. It feels like the connection we used to have is gone and I don't know what to do about it. I've tried to talk but it feels so hard.

 

We'll see if it gets better tomorrow. I hope it does.


Tulpa/s:

Sam (Birthday: July 22) - Blonde/black hair, light skin, tall, introverted, caring, cuddly. Zodiac sign: Cancer.

Mandy (Birthday: January 24) - Red hair, pale skin, outgoing, extroverted, loud, a badass meme queen. Zodiac sign: Aquarius

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@Stanheights:

 

I am most terribly sorry to hear about your situation. Have you considered reviewing @NoneFromHell's submission regarding revitalization?

 

https://community.tulpa.info/thread-general-nonefromhell-s-three-task-tulpa-revitalization-exercise

 

It seems to be going better now, I talked a bit to them today though it wasn't a lot. I'll look into it.


I think Sam and Mandy might be.. gone. I don't know.

 

There's no presence anymore, my head feels more quiet than usual. I asked "you're not really there, are you?" and I got a "no" back. If they were really there they'd say they were.

 

I don't know where they are or if they're really gone, I just know I might be heading towards a breakdown or something. I've been really anxious these last two days and I don't really know what's happening with my brain.

 

I guess they might be hiding or making their presence unknown because they know something's going on with me. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore honestly. I want them in my life, yeah, but I'm just so tired and anxious and I can't handle things right now. I just want to sleep.

 

I'll try to do something about this tomorrow.


Tulpa/s:

Sam (Birthday: July 22) - Blonde/black hair, light skin, tall, introverted, caring, cuddly. Zodiac sign: Cancer.

Mandy (Birthday: January 24) - Red hair, pale skin, outgoing, extroverted, loud, a badass meme queen. Zodiac sign: Aquarius

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This wouldn't the be first time someone reported that their tulpas disappear because of anxiety. Once your situation gets better, things should return to normal. If you want ever want to vent to someone here in private messages to see if you can get an idea of what's going on, I'm sure that some people would be willing. Good luck.

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I've decided I'm just going to wait now.

 

My anxiety is pretty bad now and I don't fully know why, but I guess Mandy and Sam are kind of "put on hold" because of it, because when I'm anxious and stressed I just can't do things and I guess my brain maybe knows that. I don't know.

 

I'll just keep them in my thoughts and talk about them with people who get it and wait until this anxiety passes through my system. I don't know how long that'll take, but I'll try and write here if anything happens.


Tulpa/s:

Sam (Birthday: July 22) - Blonde/black hair, light skin, tall, introverted, caring, cuddly. Zodiac sign: Cancer.

Mandy (Birthday: January 24) - Red hair, pale skin, outgoing, extroverted, loud, a badass meme queen. Zodiac sign: Aquarius

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So I think.. Sam might be back? But I'm not sure.

 

I met him yesterday in dreamscape and I think we talked briefly, but like I said, I'm not sure if that was really him or if I was just thinking about that whilst being half-asleep.

 

I noticed my brain didn't feel as empty today and I think I might've felt a presence somewhere. I'm not sure, though, because while I do know what "the presence" feels like it's hard to explain it and know how it feels like. I guess it's just a thing I know when I feel it. So I'm not sure if I felt it. And I think I felt it again while I took a walk a while ago, like I felt that.. feeling. The feeling I usually feel when I'm with Sam and we're just hanging out or walking together. It reminded me of last year when Sam was new and we took walks together. It was nice even though I'm not sure if it was really "real".

 

Today was definitely a better day for me mentally and emotionally, I mean, I almost felt a bit happy at one point, so I'm pretty sure Sam and Mandy will return soon. But I've decided I'm just gonna wait for them and let them take the first step when they feel comfortable enough.

 

We'll see how tomorrow will be. I'll keep them in my thoughts and see what happens (and I'll probably just narrate a bit from time to time, too).


Tulpa/s:

Sam (Birthday: July 22) - Blonde/black hair, light skin, tall, introverted, caring, cuddly. Zodiac sign: Cancer.

Mandy (Birthday: January 24) - Red hair, pale skin, outgoing, extroverted, loud, a badass meme queen. Zodiac sign: Aquarius

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I think Sam and Mandy might be slowly starting to get back to me.

 

The problem here, though, is that I'm tired. I'm really tired. I just don't have the energy to talk to them and think about them a lot and spend time with them right now, and as much as I feel bad about it that's just the way it is.

 

I think part of my problem is that I often feel like there's too many things I have to do, because when I feel like I have to do a lot of things I start feeling stressed out and anxious and that's no good.

 

I'm not sure what to do right now honestly. I want them both in my life and with me and I love them so much, but I'm just too tired at the moment.


Tulpa/s:

Sam (Birthday: July 22) - Blonde/black hair, light skin, tall, introverted, caring, cuddly. Zodiac sign: Cancer.

Mandy (Birthday: January 24) - Red hair, pale skin, outgoing, extroverted, loud, a badass meme queen. Zodiac sign: Aquarius

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