Jump to content

Aslarune

Members
  • Posts

    1
  • Joined

  • Last visited

  1. Hey all. This will be a long post- I apologize in advance. I discovered this site two days ago. Along with what I assume is the typical skepticism was an odd sort of recognition. I created my first imaginary friend prior to first grade- he was a bird/elf person who could control the winds, and we played together a lot. Eventually, I came up with five others and began imagining them having adventures, even writing stories about them for school. Those five others have faded and simply became characters I did thought experiments with or wrote about. However, the first friend never faded, but in fact grew more distinct over time. As I grew, he changed in form- he lost first his bird aspects, then his elf aspects, and is now a human with a taste for the color gray- and surface personality. I've also had experiences where I could sense him nearby and know what he was doing, and talk to him, but never see him; my most vivid memory of this was when, at sixteen years old, he appeared, paced around my room looking at things, then picked up a stapler and asked me what it was. I also did a lot of thought exercises where I imagined him with me while in public places and thought of his reactions to various things, and have spoken with him in my mind a lot (though I feel a lot of it was parroting). He has also been a major emotional help. I've suffered for much of my life from anxiety, OCD (the actual compulsive kind, where you have to touch things an even number of times or your brain shuts down), and depression. There have been times when I've gone into full blown panic attacks and had compulsions to stab myself in order to release all the energy that was building up- many times, he's shaken or touched my shoulder and the anxiety would drain to a manageable level. Once, I got one where I was overcome with a compulsion to start screaming at the top of my lungs, and I heard him yell in panic and tell me to hang in there. (It took me by surprise, since he's normally very calm.) I've wondered for a time what he was- I've written characters modeled after him, but knew that the characters, though similar, are entirely different people. (I didn't have that with the other five.) He doesn't appear in my mind unless I think of him, and few of his replies come off as truly surprising, so I think for the most part I've been parroting. Both of us feel that he's a kind of alter ego, the other half of myself, rather than a completely different being who shares headspace with me; he has, on occasions, said that he is part of me. So, when I came across the site, some parts of it felt familiar. I guess he's sort of a psuedo-starting tulpa, and I thought about progressing further. tl;dr though, here are my concerns: Is it viable, in my case, to think of the tulpa creation process as a kind of... giving form and fuller sentience/autonomy to an alternate ego/facet of myself (who's kind of half-awake in that he has a different personality, but has said himself that he's part of me) rather than creating a wholly different sentient being? Or would it ultimately be self-defeating? Can issues like anxiety and depression end up poisoning the tulpa or straining the bond between tulpa and creator, both before and after formation? I have lost or strained friendships in the past with my anxiety/depression (which I am working on having treated). I've been told that I'm too needy and draining to be around and that I force people to become my caretakers. I sincerely do not want this to happen between myself and Gray. When tulpas aren't being imposed on reality, where exactly do they exist? I've read mixed views on this. I'm asking mainly because my life is very dreary- I spend most of my time cooped up in small places, tending to computers. He doesn't like being cooped up and likes to wander around, so I'd hate to have to constantly subject him to my reality. I did in fact ask Gray about his own feelings on the matter, and whether he would want that level of autonomy that full tulpas have. He had mixed feelings and doubts about it as well, but recently came back and said not only yes, but please don't go back on it. Again, though, I'm not sure how reliable my perception of him is. Thanks for reading all that- sorry again about the length.
×
×
  • Create New...