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BeeAndGem

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  1. For the past few days, some illness have taken over me. I have no idea what it is, because I'm not nauseous, I don't have a fever, and I have a minor sore throat and stuffy nose, but nothing out of the ordinary for me (I have chronic allergies to everything non-edible, so dust, plants, the air lol). My body just feels cramped and stiff and I have zero energy aside from when I get a random burst of mental energy, but it usually takes me in a real weird direction (ex: poking my bf with a lighter and laughing hysterically about it, rolling on the floor like a toddler, and trying to make conversation with my bf but completely forgetting how science and logic work - literally, I thought for a moment that fire would extinguish water and not the other way around...) Before anyone asks: I don't do drugs, I don't take any prescriptions, I haven't had a drink since New Years eve, and my eating habits are normal. Anyway. So I'm in a really weird state right now and I decided to take the day off work so that I could rest and try to feel "normal" tomorrow. Gemini is my first tulpa and she is still relatively new. I created her back in mid-December, so she is almost a month old. I can visualize her fine now, and I often go to wonderland to see her and spend time with her, but we're not at the point yet where I can hear her unless I try to. Like, I don't hear her randomly when I'm at work, or shopping for groceries. She doesn't just pop into my head unless I put her there. Basically, she won't talk to me, unless I initiate the conversation. Because of this, I actively force a lot with her, trying to get us into a routine where we are used to talking to each other several times a day. I work a lot and find that I can only force with her when I have absolutely zero distractions. I put noise cancelling headphones on, a sleeping eye mask on, and will lay down (or sit), and play calming zen meditation music to go into a trance-like state and start visualizing wonderland. I'll typically stay for about a half-hour with her in wonderland before something will pull me out of my trance (the boyfriend, a crash upstairs from my neighbours, someone trying to talk to me, etc.) So, today, I thought that because I have all this time on my hands and virtually no distractions (boyfriend is at work, neighbours are at work, no one is home but me), that it would be a perfect time to active force with Gem! Except...I've tried many times today and each time I can't. I keep falling asleep during my meditation, can't focus because my mind wanders A LOT, or I have a lot of trouble actually breaking into wonderland. To make it more of a journey, I placed a set of stone stairs that I walk down (I find it puts me deeper in trance with each step), and then a huge hole in the ground that goes for forty-fifty feet that I jump into and slowly fall down (like alice in the rabbit hole), and then at the end of that hole is a short, enclosed underground pathway illuminated with glowing mushrooms and glittering crystals (it really is beautiful) that I will walk through to get into Gemini's meadow. She will usually already be waiting for me with cookies, or a flower crown, or an activity she has planned - she is always really excited to see me its so cute :) But today I found that I can't seem to get to the "rabbit hole" so to speak...the stairs just keep going on an on and never stop. I can very faintly feel her like a small pressure in my head and I know that she wants to hang out with me but I don't know what to do if I can't actively force it. Sorry for the long post, but if any of you have any idea of what I could do to be with Gemini that would be wonderful! I didn't get a chance to be with her last night because of all the distractions so I was really looking forward to hanging out with her today. Thanks!! <3 TL;DR: I'm sick and have been having a hard time actively forcing with my month-old tulpa gemini (the only way we currently can communicate) today. Haven't seen her in two days because I have no energy to force and I miss her. Any suggestions?
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