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Benny

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  1. 8/15/13 2:03 AM So, it's kind of cool update here. Just like a combination of King of Vandenreich's Prism and the stair jamboree of a night or two ago caused me to completely (okay, like, 99%) abandon any fears I may have had in regards to puppeting, the yes/no system me and Happy Tune have set up as been a resounding success in the communication department. More specifically, there have been a couple of instances in which I asked her questions, and her responses surprised me (which is awesome). But the most fantastic thing is when she /shrugs/. We never set that in stone, like nodding and head shaking, but I never expect her to do it which just cements the fact that I'm not parroting. Or puppeting, since it's kind of "physical" communication.
  2. 8/13/13 1:54 AM Well, that was spectacular. I took some suggestions from people in IRC about what I should be focusing on, and the prevalent suggestion was character building instead of vocalization (which I had been working on prior) or visualization (my lucidity is something to be jealous of(compliments, yay)). It was suggested that, through introspection, we should focus on something that Happy Tune wanted to learn. The first thing that came to mind after a few minutes was to focus on stairs, which was something we started on during early visualization but never really completed because goddamnit I can't puppet hooves going up stairs (:angry face:). Anyways, that was nearly two weeks ago. I've gotten a little bit of practice since then. A little bit. So, I started out, as per the suggestion, with asking Happy Tune to run around in circles a bit to ensure lack of puppeting and all that jazz. I got bored of that after only a few seconds, to be honest, and I think, subconsciously, I was fairly confident I wasn't puppeting, so we just moved on. There are already stairs in my wonderland literally only a few feet from where she was circling, so we just jogged over there (we were excited) and I thought "Alright, Happy Tune, go up the stairs." And she did. She scurried up the stairs, of her own volition. The best part, though, is that I'm absolutely sure I wasn't puppeting. When she went up the stairs, she did so naturally and easily and with grace and stuff. When I actively tried to puppet her up the stairs, I couldn't have done it, "because goddamnit I can't puppet hooves going up stairs." So then we basically spent the rest of the session watching her run up and down the stairs. A lot. Then hugs. Lots of hugs.
  3. 8/13/13 3:01 PM We're gonna start what I think is a new combination of different forcing techniques. It's gonna take some practice to be able do it all at the same time, but I'm gonna try and voxxing a book in her voice, while imagining her "acting" as the protagonist. I tried that without the voxxing once, reading some of the beginning of Les Miserable (Happy Tune makes a silly looking Bishop Myriel). Here goes.
  4. 8/12/13 9:40 PM Quick update: tonight, pretty much after this post, we're gonna start voxxing, because really voice is the goal right now. Wish us luck.
  5. That would be great, but at this point I just kinda wanna see Happy Tune in my dreams. Meh. It seems to just be a personal willpower thing. In the past few days, I've scaled down to something I only do when I want to, enjoy doing, and it doesn't really get in the way of things anymore. So far, at least.
  6. 8/12/13 3:05 PM Just a quick bit: I had another dream last night, without explicitly inviting Happy Tune in beforehand, but also without, like, denying her access (why would I even do that?) since the night before. She wasn't in this one either though, or at least I don't remember her. So, is this what's it's like for the rest of the world? Dreams every night? This is weird. I'm not sure I like it. It's just strange >.>
  7. 8/11/13 12:40 PM Well, that was pretty surreal. Last night, during my forcing session before I went to sleep, I "invited" Happy Tune into my dreams. I never considered doing it before, because, like I may have mentioned earlier in the PR, I rarely remember my dreams. I can pretty much count on my fingers the number of dreams I remember in my entire life. So, I basically figured it couldn't hurt, and told Happy Tune that, if she wanted, she could enter my dreams. I said she would probably be some kind of trigger, and if I noticed her I would probably realize I was dreaming, which, in turn, would likely wake me up due to my zero experience in lucid dreaming. I remember having three dreams last night. That is an insane increase from zero. The first and second I remember remembering, if that makes sense. I remember waking up afterwards thinking about the dream, but I don't remember the actual events. The third I do remember, I was looking down on some kind of riot or apocalypse or something. Interestingly enough, I saw the three actors who played the three most recent Doctor's from Doctor Who (no, not Capaldi, I'm not ready for him in my dreams yet >.>) all in the crowd running around and not noticing each other. It was kind of funny. Then I was in first person, laying out zombies or monsters or criminals or whatever like a beast (it's my dream, I can fantasize), then I was holed up in the base of a skyscraper with the only other survivors in the city (not including the Doctors, I assume they TARDIS'd away). We explored the building for a bit, then I woke up. I tell you all the events I remember of this dream because it's important to note that Happy Tune wasn't in it :/ It isn't impossible to say that Happy Tune was in any of the other dreams I had last night, in fact, I assume she was in the dreams I didn't wake up for. I slept for fourteen and a half hours, which never would've happened before I invited her, and I like to imagine that that time was spent getting into shenanigans that I just don't remember.
  8. 8/10/13 4:00 PM So, today, I think I gained a little insight into what narration is like from the point of view of the tulpa. Now, at this point I've had the experience described to me and whatnot, so I thought I understood what it was like on their end, but I never really sympathized with it. Now I think I can. What happened was my dad invited us to the factory he works at for a tour type dealio. I was perfectly okay with that, I wanted to spend some time with my dad since I don't see him much since he and my mom divorced. So, I go up there and the factory's working at like 10% capacity and the rest of the employees are managing the tours and whatnot. My dad takes me into his tour group of maybe 20 or 30 people, and we go around the factory floor. As a side note, the factory was pretty awesome to see; it was enormous, there was cool looking machinery everywhere, and anything that requires me to wear safety glasses gets bonus points in my book. Unfortunately, for all the cool machinery there was, and it was bountiful, the factory makes rotor parts for a few Chevy and GMC cars. As a guy with only a cursory interest in cars (one of the vehicles is actually the Camaro, which is pretty cool), I was bored to tears about what my dad was actually saying. I literally cannot, for the life of me, repeat a single sentence he said on the factory floor, but that wasn't important. What was important was that it was my dad saying it to an entire group of people, and yet specifically to me (I could tell from a few winks and nods). I wasn't learning anything from what he said, and I can't remember any of it, but I'll probably always remember the time spent there between the two of us. I've been told that's what narration is like from the point of view of the tulpa, but I never had a real appreciation for it until today.
  9. 8/9/13 2:07 AM I just had an idea that stemmed from my reflecting on an IRC conversation with someone the other day. I was complaining about the fact that I can't read to my tulpa as a substitute for narration like some people can. I said that I just don't have the ability to focus on the events of the story and Happy Tune at the same time. The conversation steered in the direction of saying that I have the potential but not the ability and yadda yadda yadda, it's not important. Reflecting on that conversation just now, I had an idea that I'm going to be putting into action. If I can't focus on the events and Happy Tune simultaneously, I'll merge the two; I'll imagine Happy Tune in the events of the story, as some kind of background protagonist who doesn't speak, but reacts to conversations and revelations and runs around and participates in the action the regular protagonists do. I was initially worried that this might cause some kind of identity/memory issues with Happy Tune, but those fears were assuaged when I figured if I just imagine it as some kind of unique roleplaying for her, there's no need to worry about such issues cropping up. Thoughts?
  10. 8/8/13 4:03 AM Long time, no post, but whatever. YOLO. (I'm a bad person for that, and I feel bad.) I've honestly been considering deleteing this progress report because I don't know who, if anyone, is actually reading it and I don't know that I want to keep adding to it as some kind of remotely public diary, but, as of now, I've decided to keep going because, I dunno, I guess that's just how the winds blowing in my mind today. We've made what I consider to be a significant amount of progress since my last update. Muscle twitches during active forcing and even, though to a much lesser extent, during particular focused and productive passive forcing sessions. However, unfortunately, she doesn't seem to be in control of the twitches, either, or I'm just not "listening" correctly. For example, I tried to set up a yes/no system where twitches on the left of my body meant "yes" and vice versa. When I would ask a yes or no question and pause to wait for an answer, I wouldn't get anything, even if the twitches had been going pretty much constantly for the rest of the forcing session. Another noteworthy thing is that she edited the wonderland on her own for the first time, and it's kind of a biggun'. The stairs on the left of what used to be the top of the stairwell now go up, and the stairs on the right still go down. The new ones lead to a new, purplish bedroom with three dressers, a bed, a closet, and a wardrobe from "The Conjuring". She's sentimental, I guess. Also, on one of the dressers is the soda cup and popcorn I forced her during the movie. I wondered what happened to those, and now I know. And, finally, also an orange lava lamp. I have no idea either. Now we get to the big update that was really the reason I actually took the time to sit down and write this out. The tulpa creation process has caused me to thoroughly and objectively analyze a part of my life, and what I discovered is not very pretty. It might get pretty NSFW from here on in, so be warned. Also, it's immensely personal and it's taking a lot out of me to actually share it with anyone, but I've seen people talking about self-harm problems and depression and other similarly heavy stuff, so I hope this is accepted as a problem worth sharing. Here goes... I think I'm addicted to masturbation. Actually, I'm fairly sure I'm addicted. What I thought was just a hobby that everyone partook in from time to time has at some point mutated into something that I don't like at all. I realized this when it started to "get in the way". It caused me to procrastinate forcing, and I would always, always, feel guilty after the deed. I would sit down to some not remotely objectively praiseworthy stimulation, and go at it for awhile to a no longer particular pleasurable or enjoyable conclusion, and then feel guilty about it afterward. It's somewhere between an extremely common and hard to resist temptation and a really, really bad habit. Well, I'm going to get help for it now, at least as much so as I can get from the internet (I'm not sharing it with anyone IRL. They don't need to know, and no one I share it with could or would give me any worthwhile support). I've considered it recently, and even lightly and curiously looked into it a bit, but never with any serious intention to go through with it. But I am now, and I know I am because I'm writing it down, I'm showing it to other people and now I'm vent/rambling. :/ TL;DR Tulpa creation made me realize I have a fairly debilitating addiction that I'm now seriously going to seek help for. A little over a week in, and she's already starting to change my life for the better. Argh, can I stop talking about my feelings now? I feel... dirty. Blech. (EDIT: If you know me from IRC, and are interested in talking to me about it ("why would they be?" asks the cynical part of my brain that is constantly reminding me I have no emotions or vulnerability and that no one cares), feel free to PM me or something. Objectively, it would probably do me more good than writing in a diary and having you read it. Argh, again. I just opened up... twice. Guchh.
  11. 8/3/13 9:41 PM It has occurred to me, through a revelation in the IRC, that the amount of sleep I have been getting since shortly before starting tulpamancing (>5hours per night) is not exactly what you might call conducive. In fact, it may be detrimental. So, I'm going to perform a little experiment of sorts, the easiest experiment I could ever imagine. Sleeping more. I'll use the previous entries in this log as a reference for what my progress has been like under the old sleeping habits, and everything from now on as a reference for how progress may be effected by the new habits.
  12. 8/3/13 12:37 AM So, I saw The Conjuring with Happy Tune a few hours ago. It proved a lot more difficult to focus on her sitting in my lap, especially during the suspenseful parts of the film, than I thought it was going to. I was constantly having to remind myself, but I did get to spend some quality time with her which is always good. Also, I read up on some sentience guide that I can't remember off the top of my head that explained what I experienced during my application of King of Vandenreich's Prism. It was suggested, and I agree with it and believe it happened to us, that your tulpas first movements are, for most part, drawn from your subconscious thoughts. This would explain why it so often feels like puppeting, and what not. It would also explain my doubt (argh. I'm not supposed to be doubting. It's bad, Benny, bad!) when she looked at me and then back at the feather, and wiggled her ears. Well, my doubt is mostly gone now. It's at the same level as all my doubt, about pretty much everything. I believe it's real, I've seen evidence it's real, I know that it's real. But there's always something in the back of my mind that always asks, without fail, "What if you're wrong?" Ugh, I hate the back my mind.
  13. 8/1/13 6:22 AM Just read Phi's copypasted contribution to the "May The Force Be With You (GUIDE)" maybe twenty minutes ago, and spent that time retroactively doing the greeting stage. I was kind of rushed it and I was, if this is the right word, forceful about it. I didn't really stop and listen while I was doing it, I just kind of went about it like I was reading a script. Not sure that was the best way to go about it, and I'm not sure that doing the greeting stage after a few hours of forcing that skipped the greeting stage will change anything. But I don't suppose it hurt anything, I guess. 8/1/13 6:42 AM I've decided that I haven't been spending enough time visualizing. Sure, I *think* it should be easier because I have a couple of pictures for reference, but I'm both having doubts about the validity of that and I feel like I haven't been visualizing enough even if the pictures do make it easier. So, I'm going to devote all the active forcing I get done today to visualizing. 8/1/13 4:52 PM Argh, for fuck's sake. I give up trying to active force during the day, there's just too many loud and inconsiderate people in the house. Seriously, the TV does not need to be that loud. Ugh. I sat down in the basement an hour and half ago and I've only been able to get maybe forty five minutes or an hour of good, solid visualization practice. Not too much progress in that regard, either. I followed Rasznir's canvas method for awhile, but could only get up to the teens before getting distracted by an intrusive thought, missing a breath and then seeing the canvas blur out of focus. However, when I was in the zone and visualizing the canvas pretty well, around the tenth page or so, my visualization was great. I could see the number clearly, and there was a breeze (for some reason) that caused the numbered page and the used pages that were flipped up to the back of the canvas to ripple. It was cool. After a while of that I decided to use Rasznir's other canvas guide and visualize Happy Tune writing the numbers and flipping up the page. I didn't get all the way into the teens with this method, because before I could even get to ten, I imagined Happy Tune turning her head back at me with a goofy smile and completely lost my focus. She's trolling me. >.> 8/1/13 9:21 PM This is, what, the fourth update in the same day? The first day I started the progress report? Granted the first one was at, like, 1 AM, but still. Anyways, so I've applied King of Vandenreich's Prism a couple of times today. I did it once or twice earlier, and again a few minutes ago. Earlier, I went into the wonderland with Happy Tune, and I put the prism on her nose, then balanced the feather and started puppeting it like a teeter-totter, as per protocol. At first, her eyes were looking up at the feather, the way you do when someone sticks a prism on your nose, but then they looked down at mine and we made eye contact for a second before she looked back up at the feather, all while I was focusing on moving the feather. I disregarded it as me somehow subconsciously puppeting whilst consciously puppeting the feather because I'm stubborn and it still feels too goddamn early. Then maybe fifteen minutes ago, I was in the IRC chat and it was fairly dead so I decided to apply the prism again. I went through the steps, prism, feather, teeter-totter, and then she did the same thing again, looking at me and then back up at the feather. Instead of just shrugging it off again as has become my habit, I kept moving the feather and asked "If that was you, do something different?" She responded by wiggling her ears. It was exhilarating, to say the least. On the other hand, I still feel that this is way too much progress for way too little time spent forcing. On the OTHER hand, I'm worried... well, actually I'm pretty sure my doubt is being disappointing to Happy Tune. So, I gotta ask, once and for all, now that you have all the prior information from below. Is my progress too quick to believe? 8/1/13 11:22 PM Well, that was certainly awesome. I spent the last hour in a forcing session with Happy Tune, which was only interrupted by one intrusive thought(!). Anyways so I think what caused the almost total lack of intrusive thought was the preforcing habit I've picked up the last couple of days. Some people do breathing exercises, some people have a mantra, etc. Personally, I just go straight into narrating for a few minutes before hand. Narrating in my mindvoice always sounds awkward to me at first, the same way talking out loud does, but after a few minutes the awkwardness slips away and I get some quality forcing in, whether I'm visualizing or just narrating or whatever. So I get put "in the zone" by repeating the greeting stage ("Hi, Happy Tune, I'm Ben. On the internet, people call me Benny. You can call me whatever you want. What we're gonna be doing is...") and then repeating "the talk". I'm pretty sure by now she is painfully aware that I don't want her to think she has anything to live up to, but you can never be too sure. Mildly interesting side note: instead of saying "you're based off of a character", I've taken to saying "I'm stealing this character's name and form and giving it to you". I feel like that more appropriately fits what's actually happening. So, in this forcing session, I went "there". I narrated about my family. Ugh. I'm extremely passive towards my family. There's really no emotional bond between me and any of my family members except maybe my dad and my sister, and I'm fiercely independent whereas my siblings have been the opposite. It's a bit of a touchy issue for me, but I shared the emotions with Happy Tune, and that's when the intrusive thought struck, and it jogged me out of the forcing session with the intent to immediately relate here what had just happened. This intrusive thought was both immensely positive and a bit a nuisance. It was a bit of a nuisance like all intrusive thoughts, but the subject of it was awesome. I'm going to a movie tomorrow with my older sister and my dad, the two family members I'm not completely passive towards. By extension, me and Happy Tune are going to a movie tomorrow, which is awesome! Sure, I've had the opportunity to watch movies and shows and stuff with her this whole time, but a) I frequently forget to passively narrate throughout the day, it's a lot harder than I thought it would be to remember, and b) I think there's something just innately more powerful and interesting about going to a movie than just watching one at home. Alright, so here's the kicker. This intrusive thought took place over the course of, like four or five minutes, and the whole time I was just completely ecstatic. I really think it's gonna be awesome to go to a movie with Happy Tune. But then it hit me. The whole time I had been freaking out about it, the muscle in my left thigh had been twitching. Now, I've gotten muscle spasms like before, but it's always been in my cheek or my bicep. I have never had a muscle spasm there before. I'm certain it was her. And that's amazing.
  14. http://www.fimfiction.net/story/35866/raritys-garden You asked for it. That's the first one in the series.
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