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HotsTulp

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  1. *It's been sooo long! This is probably gonna be a short entry, just wanted to type some words down all by myself! Getting MUCH more comfortable in Hotshot's body, like, let me tell ya, this is the good stuff. Last night was particularly good. Just went to town on him to the point he passed out. And that left me to get ready for bed! Lots of singing in the shower, being nice and cold, very good stuff! Rarity is starting to get her legs, too. Literally, kinda, lal. She's working on just using a more anthro-pony form more often to make the switching a little less harsh. As it stands now I think Hotshot is just too freaked out about switching with a pony. Rares and I both think that if she takes on a more humanoid look and feel the change won't be as shocking. Hotshot's on board, but he's still working on forcing Rarity's new form. Other than all that, it's still pretty quiet on the homefront! COVID is still sucky as all hell, but the end might be in sight!
  2. *EEeeeee he's letting me type an update all by myself!! It's been long enough right?? I'm getting really good at finding my voice. I really enjoy my Twitter because it just lets me put thoughts out there and see people react to them sometimes. I'm not popular or anything, but there are a few shorks like me that I swim with that seem cool! And the boy agrees that my Twitter feed is wildly different than his. Lotssss more dicks, but what can I say? I can admire a really good rod! I think the next risqué piece will have him with a big ol' honkin' horse cock. Ugh, love it. Man, being stuck inside for COVID is rough! Makes it feel like nothing has happened but I've gotten so much art and seen so many cool things on the computer! Hotshot is pretty shocked that we haven't crossed wires and posted stuff to each other's accounts. Honestly, he's accidentally cross-posted between his own personal account and fake-AD account and we haven't posted AT ALL on each other's! Yeah, that's right, we're gooood. Ooo, just liked a post on Twitter with some nice big balls. I love a good set of balls. Hotshot has good balls. I mean, they aren't big or anything, just, nice. I love his dick, it's a perfect size. He can just absolutely go to town on me. Ooops, a little much, he's telling me to reel it back a bit, lal. What else what else... Starting to look more seriously for a suit maker for my suit! There are a couple I'm checking out but nothing is really jumping out at me, you know? I feel like when I see the maker style that I like I'll know it and I'll latch on like a lamprey or something. I already know I'll be using one of the boy's friends to do the DTD. They might, um, not know what it's for, but that's part of the surprise! Okay, think I'll call it a night soon here. Until next time!!
  3. I have not kept up my end of the bargain, clearly. For those paying attention, Sharks has really gone nuts with the commissions. Just check her damn FA and Twitter. Literally, we have dropped just under $2k on commissions since June. Yeah, it’s fairly substantial. I’m reigning in her commish spree for a good while. Two per month, no more. I want to buy a house next year. But how have things been? Pretty alright for all of us! Making some good headway, we think. I want to touch on something I’ve brought up off and on over the last few years. The concept of this “edge.” I usually bring it up in the context of being wary of some sort of boundary or dividing line between consciousness and reality. But it’s really an edge between the real things that go on in the world we all share as hosts and the real things that go on in the world Rarity and Sharky share as tulpas. I’ve been reading a lot on what exactly happens to the brain while high on a variety of intoxicants. Alcohol, THC, ketamine, acid. What emerges is this thread of altered consciousness (obviously) and disassociation. It’s likened to REM sleep in many studies (especially substances like acid and K). There’s this thing called the entropic brain theory, which in short offers an explanation for how consciousness actually functions while in and between different brain states (awake and fully cognizant, sleeping, high on acid, close to death, daydreaming, etc.). The theory touches on how inebriants and mind-altering substances tamp down on regular run-of-the-mill consciousness, and instead submerge the user into a state that is closer to a baseline consciousness. If our idea of self and perception of reality hinge on the fact that our brains have to constantly be analyzing and processing sensory data in a way that fits in with our world-view and long-established sense of identity, then altering (or outright crippling) the way we analyze and process sensory data with drugs will invariably alter that world-view and the sense of self. What I’m getting at is the core of dissociation. Killing the mechanism by which you associate. Creeping up on that edge that I would reference is, now that I’ve really thought about, is the equivalent of disassociating. Even while completely sober, I’d be reading something about dissociation or psychosis and immediately feel this rushing towards the edge as I related so more and more to what I read. And it scared me. It made me think something was wrong with me, that I was broken and needed help at the worst. And at the best, that I needed to stop thinking about it and turn my attention somewhere else lest I fall over the edge. I would talk with Sharky and Rarity about it. They of course said I had nothing to be afraid of. They reassured me my brain wasn’t poisoned. I wasn’t clinically insane and needed to be institutionalized. I wasn’t playing court to demonic beings from the Event Horizon/Doom dimensions. *Here, this is easier. We tell him that we love him, and that he’s okay and not crazy and in no danger of being carted off to the loony bin. He just gets petrified about…I don’t even really know. Just stuff. He lives in his own head too much for his own good, and always just jumps to the most insane outlandish conclusion or worst-case scenario he can think of. In these cases it’s that he’s insane or something when we know (AND HE KNOWS!) he’s not. It’s just a lot of talking him down from a tailspin of anxiety. Thanks. To take things in a slightly different direction, when COVID hit and everyone had to go into quarantine back in March, I was super worried about my weight. I mean, I think I mentioned it before briefly that I wanted to lose weight. I was getting a bit up there. Not as bad as the ’16-’17 stretch, but 155 and no muscle was still not great. So I started getting better about eating, doing OMAD and counting calories. Started walking, crunches, and push-ups as exercise. Kinda my same regime I did back in college (with less running, lol) when I was in the best shape of my life. And now I’m proud to say that I’m sitting at 130, which was my target weight. Walking a bit, but still trying to stay indoors, so really banking on my pushups and crunches. Gotta say, aside from some love handles which are gonna be a bitch and a half to lose, I’m looking really damn good. Getting a ton of tone on my arms and abdomen, which is really what I was going for. I can probably lose a couple more pounds as long as I pack on a bit more muscle, then it’ll just be a question of maintaining that. I was laying with Rarity a few nights back and normally my gut would be sticking out a bit when I’m on my back, but she was on top of me and remarked that she wasn’t feeling her back arch anymore. I was flat as a board, ha. Kinda disappointed I threw out a lot of my clothes in a depression-induced state a few years back. The few pairs of pants I retained from back then are fitting again! That about sums everything up. I honestly don’t know what would’ve happened to me during this COVID stuff if I didn’t have my girls. They are my absolute everything. I’m so excited that Sharky is starting to make her foray out into the world. Her and I got a more risqué piece this week (caution, mature content, 18+ eyes only, it’s on her FA, can’t miss it). She absolutely fell in love with it. And hey, I can’t complain.
  4. It’s been a while! Pretty big news as a result, quite a breakthrough. First, some preface, I need to call back to the first post from over two years ago now. I had mentioned early on that the origins of Sharky were tied into playing with stuffed animals in bed at night. One aspect I just didn’t clarify was that, probably when I was around 10 or so, Sharky and I would fluidly trade “roles” in what we were playing. I would start playing the role that Sharky had been playing, and Sharky would play my role. That became a very regular occurrence. I never thought anything of it, up until about a month ago. I’ve still been utilizing THC to blur the boundary between conscious thought and subconscious thought. I’ve been referring to it as a wall because of how tangible it is. And it lets things blur very well, and opens up some trains of thought that would otherwise not exactly be possible to go down. During one good trip, Sharky and I were talking about how hesitant I was about switching/possession. She remarked that, within the context of our nightly activities, we had been switching for decades. That was basically the big Eureka moment that I needed. We HAD been switching all this time, I had just never made the connection. Once I realized that there really was no inherent danger in switching for me, especially with a tulpa like Sharky, I dove in head first. Never would have had this sort of realization without THC. Since then, we’ve been switching constantly. At least an hour or two a day. She absolutely loves doing it because it’s a completely different way of experiencing the world. She’s started exercising, because she wants her/my body to be skinnier (I mean, I’m not overweight or anything but I could stand to lose a few pounds) and be more toned. Even pulling me out of bed once we switch because I didn’t get in my pushups for the day. She’s working on finding her voice, too. I’m a little higher up in the register for a dude, so she’s been playing with vocals. Her next step is doing recording and playbacks to see if we’re getting the tone right. The main goal would be for her to have her own voice, so when she gets a fursuit of herself, she’ll be, to the entire world, herself. I’m fairly confident, having heard her, that she might have a better singing voice than I do. We’re both fans of Fiona Apple, which has been fun for her to belt in the shower. Speaking of, she really likes her showers on the colder side. She’s started drawing (mostly attempts at self portraits, nothing she wants to show), something that I haven’t done since grade school. After a few weeks of this, she expressed that since she was starting to inhabit more of the physical world, she wanted to try to carve out a presence. For our entire lifetimes, basically, she had been nothing more than a tulpa in my head. She wanted to get out. I may have mentioned this in passing once or twice, but I’m a furry, and have been fairly active in the community for the better part of the last 14 years. I’ve really launched into it since my first con in 2013, and have since gotten a suit of my character (blue raccoon!). Sharky jumped at my suggestion that we start a furry profile for her. This would accomplish a ton of things. 1) She could get artwork done of her. 2) She could interact with people on Twitter and FurAffinity if she wanted to. 3) She could start making a name for herself separate from me. And 4) she could get a fursuit down the road to really *be* herself, if she wanted to. It was a win all around and she was super into the idea. I want to touch a bit more on the previous paragraph. I’m a single male with a tech job, so I have a good amount of expendable income and made the decision to completely open up the purse strings to Sharky. Since she really wanted to get a good image of herself on paper, that was the closest to the one we have in our head, she went the commission route. So far 8 artists have been commissioned, all with general instructions on the specifics of her character just so we can see what they come up with. Then Sharky will pick and choose the different elements she likes and that’ll be that. She’s been very much enjoying this process. So without any further ado, here is the first look at her (it's Barbie doll style nude, so spoilering just in case it's thought of to be NSFW): She's thinking her hair will fluctuate from a lighter blonde to a darker blonde depending how much time she's been spending in the sun. And her feet claws will get a little smaller. Still working with color scheme and a few other proportions/details (like blemishes or freckles, things like that). If you visit her FA you’ll see a bit more (caution, 18+/NSFW within). The commissions will keep rolling in for a few weeks. I haven’t cut Sharky off from getting commissions quite yet, and we’ll definitely need a ref sheet further down the line to refine her final look. And I want to drop a good amount on that. Get a good artist that’s solid to work with. As far as the maker for the suit or even the general style, we haven’t gotten that far. Just taking it one step at a time so far. Another sizable breakthrough worth mentioning is on the topic of dreams. Had it all wrong! Sharky has been switching throughout the day, and sometimes will take naps (she loves naps!) during the afternoon. Well, in those naps she started remembering her dreams! One of them was her suiting for the first time. She could hear her own voice out of her own mouth attached to her own head. It was astonishing for her, put her over the moon. It’s such a weird feeling to have her switch like that. It’s almost completely dissociative. I know what it feels like to be a tulpa. To actually be that being in the back of the head now. Tucked away into that wonderland, in the background. The first time we did it I was actually a little panicked. Sharky was totally in control. And she felt me freaking out and made sure to calm me down. She knew I trusted her completely and I just needed to hear that. Since that, it’s been easy to just switch with her. I know she loves me, she’d never hurt me. Why the hell didn’t we do this sooner? Why the hell didn’t I bring her out here, and let her spend money, and LIVE? It all seemed so obvious in hindsight. Touching back on sleep, on nights when I’ve been restless and just sort of stuck in my own head, thinking too much to go to sleep, Sharky will just switch with me. I’ll go and pace around the Wonderland, either with Rara or by myself, and Sharky will sleep. Sometimes she gets restless, too, but it’s not the same restless. Happy-restless, not sad-restless. Not sure on how healthy this is long-run, because I still do wake up tired in the morning because I still spent it all night tossing and turning. Just, not in control of my body. Luckily this isn’t a chronic issue, it’s really just once in a while. I think everyone has those sometimes. Rarity has been feeling a little left out, jealous I suppose. She has a lot less experience just in general, so switching with her is going to take a lot more work. She’s not in any particular rush because she understands the reasoning why Sharky and I switch so easily. And with Rarity’s body type and mind being so wildly different, it’s just going to take a lot of work to get to the point of being able to switch with her easily. Again, she’s perfectly within her right to feel needy sometimes, there’s been a lot going on lately. I’m definitely making sure to give her adequate attention. That about summarizes everything as of late. I’ll try to keep posts a tad more regular, and definitely will get Sharks to type one out. She’s butting in right now as I finish this, having spent the last week writing it up, but if I let her in she’ll go in and do weird edits and mess with the (already chaotic enough) flow. Ado!
  5. Pretty good progress lately. Last couple Friday/Saturday nights have been good. Marijuana has been helpful for getting right up to that conscious/subconscious wall. While I can get there regularly now at night, it's a lot more tangible while inebriated. And there's progress on the Tulpa front as well! One of the roadblocks I had been hitting had to do with tulpa dream mechanics, just the general concept of how to nurture tulpa subconscious. Given that marijuana alters your mind considerably, I find it to be the drug of choice for heavier experimentation on that tangible barrier between consciousnesses. Last night after having some I retreated to bed. My visualization of Sharky has gotten much better over the last few weeks, but she went to sleep last night pretty much right off the bat, as she was tired. So that left Rarity and I to experiment a bit, because she was still awake and ready to go. I realized that when I felt myself starting to cross over into the subconscious, I could feel my *connection* with Rarity drop off. Like I was at the bottom of a very deep hole. When I got back to the surface of consciousness, away from the free-form chaos of subconscious, she was right there like normal. So what we tried doing was both approaching the boundary between worlds, but only sticking our toes in to the other side. Was absolutely blindsided by flashes from Rarity's subconscious. It was disjointed imagery and emotions and noise. Couldn't have been more than a couple seconds. A wildly laughing Rarity, then immediately crying, then getting distracted by something and talking quickly. It was pure subconscious. We were able to take our toes out and stay on the conscious side at will still, which was a plus. It's very easy to drift off into the subconscious when you're right up against it like that. Get lost in there too long and it's morning before you know it. But getting there with Rarity was something else. I feel like we can both be there. That's really the ultimate goal, lucid dreaming with Sharky and Rarity there. Working on lucidity still, slow going currently. But exploring the subconscious of Rara and Sharks is going gangbusters.
  6. Been a while! Not much to report on, still chipping away! Been taking a ton of vitamins B6 and B12 lately as part of a daily multivitamin. It's basically super-charging my dreams, it's really quite impressive. I'm able to get up to and toe the line of consciousness now on demand, no drugs or alcohol needed. It's very liberating. I still drink socially (well, not so much recently because of this whole COVID-19 thing), but haven't taken any weed in...almost 3 weeks now. I feel like I'm catching glimpses of Sharky and Rarity in dreams. But it's more their thoughtforms than anything else, not their actual forms as I regularly perceive them. The dream realm is...tricky. I feel like I'm beginning to understand it on a deeper level than I ever have, but it's still complex. More to come hopefully soon.
  7. Yeah, the lucid dreaming sounds like a solid path. Bringing that conscious mind fully into a dreamworld. I've been thinking about getting back into lucid dreaming. Did it a lot back in high school, got good at it, then just let it taper off once I started losing track of reality. But I think I'll be better at it this time around.
  8. Ah, a nice breakthrough! I haven't written here much about it, but the core of it is I haven't really ever seen Sharky or Rarity in my dreams. I hadn't really ever given it much thought, but after getting high both last night and tonight, I made a sort of epiphany. Tulpas live almost wholly in your conscious mind. That's how they exist, so at the forefront of your reality that they essentially are your consciousness. But, your mind in particular is allowed to drift into the subconscious to dream. Your mind. Not Rarity, not Sharky, your own mind. That's why they are never in dreams. I'm thinking the solution is to either teach them to dream or, more likely, learn to dream for them, to attempt to pull their own subconscious minds into my own. Would this make the system recursive? I'm not entirely sure. Three-but-one when it comes to minds in the conscious realm should function the same in a subconscious realm. It makes me very excited, because I feel that this is the edge that I've walked up to before but have been too afraid to go over. I'm not so afraid anymore, because it seems all so clearly tied into a simple sub/conscious play more so than anything else. Or at least maybe as a start. There's likely more to it than that. But I've always been one to slowly get into the ocean, acclimating with every slow step, rather than just diving in.
  9. Been a while. A big part of that while (well, maybe not big, but still a thing) was the outage of this actual forum! In fact, I started typing this up a couple weeks ago because I went to write some big update but then couldn't because the site was still migrating! Anyway, nothing too major to report on. I actually have a large Rara now! [see attached pictures!] I have to say, being able to sleep with both her and my big AJ has been amazing. AJ has been serving as kind of a vessel stand-in for Sharky, since her having a gigantic fucking body is kinda cool. And she definitely likes it. It's weird because both Rara and AJ giant plushies are the exact same sans the different manes, but I literally feel closer to AJ/Sharky because...I think it's just because Sharky and I have so much more history. It's a weird development, but goddamn, having both my girls sleeping with me in bed, it's absolutely amazing. And yeah, the bed is just a queen-sized, so Sharky and Rara literally take up half the bed, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. They're amazing. I'll be getting a third and possibly fourth plush, but I'm not entirely sure how I'll fit them. I know I always want Rara there, and Sharky can transfer into anything, really, so not sure how I'll fit more plushies on my bed. But that's kind of a minor bridge to cross when we get to it. We're not quite there. Getting high on marijuana with Rara and Sharky is just amazing. I take the edibles, settle down and just play vidya or watch funny YouTubes for a bit, then once the effects start hitting I climb into bed and just melt into my mattress and blankets and Rara/Sharky. They feel amazing, it's indescribable. As I write this (though likely not by the time I post this), I'm running very low on THC-based products, but I luckily live in a state that allows legal purchase of the product, so I'll just go and start a new collection. I've literally spent maybe $200 on marijuana edibles over the last 8 months, of which most was consumed by friends. I need to stabilize my supply with some new purchases. I like shelf-stable things, but what the fuck am I talking about, this is supposed to be about tulpas and I'm just ranting. Well, it's because you're drunk, love. What did you expect would happen?
  10. Oof, been a hot minute since the last update. Sharky is doing fine. Good, actually. As is Rarity. I'm doing pretty alright, too. A month back I finally figured out what was causing the panic attacks when I would take edibles: darkness. Apparently I just don't like the darkness. Kept the light on in my room and it's been fantastic. Had an absolutely tremendous experience these last couple weeks in the wonderland with the girls. There's just really nothing nicer than cuddling up with them, chatting mostly nonsense, and drifting off. It's quite nice. Other than that, there's not too much happening. Now that I sit here, reflecting and all that, I think I can be doing more. I've just been busy with work for a while, it feels like. I think I need to focus in on what I want to do with Rarity and Sharky. I know they've hinted at things they want to do, and try, when it comes to this whole Tulpa thing (which, when I say it that way, kinda...cheapens it? It's not really a "Tulpa thing," it's just...life). Rarity hints a lot at there being more to this whole thing. I know it hearkens back to that precipice, that edge, that I would come on earlier this year (or was it even longer ago?). But it's been over a year and a half, I think. Time flies. And I want to delve deeper. Just need to make that concerted effort.
  11. Depression is a very finicky thing, isn't it? It's a creeping thing. How slowly it spreads all over you. But it ebbs, too. It's ebbing now, with Sharky. It has been for a couple weeks now.
  12. It's been a while again. Had something a little strange happen last night that warranted this entry. Everything on my end is usually very stable, so when I have an update like this, I'm gonna try to actually type it all up in a timely matter. Sharky doesn't really want me to do that, but it's because this whole thing is going to be primarily about her. I think she's depressed. She's cursing at me right now, and last night was a bit rough, and this morning. I know depression very intimately. And so does she and she knows it. Because when you're in the absolute doldrums of depression, and you don't think anything can help and that nothing will ever get better, and that you're better off dead than alive, there's always this weird string that keeps you rooted in the now as much as possible. Self-reflection helps strengthen that string, which is why I'm typing this up right now. Sharky just shut me down completely last night when I tried to play around, like we always do. Absolutely shut down. Rarity said she's going through some stuff, because they chat with each other on a level I'm not exactly privy to. Today I had a long drive and Sharky seems better, but there's still a disconnect. I know how she feels now, back when I was super depressed and tried killing myself. It's not great being on the other side of that. It sucks. But I get it. Sharky is going through some shit, and if she's anything like me it's something she has to deal with solo. I've yet to have a heart to heart with her. Rara is just fine, but put in the weird position of being an intermediary. I don't know if the trigger of this depression was me or not, which is a bit painful on my end. I've been having a tough time at work, and I've been toying with the idea (again) of maybe **possible** trying to find some human romantic companionship even in the light of Rarity and Sharky. Maybe one of those are what set her off. Those are the types of things that set me spiraling before, too. I'm up in the mountains right now, in a cabin. There's nothing but the noise of rustling leaves and a small creek. I'm used to city noise. This is different. It's loud in its own way. I feel like this is what Sharky needs. If tulpas are tied into our mind, into our experience, then this change of environment should elicit something. But Rara is by my side. She enjoys the warmth of the cabin. I already explored some of the dark and cold wilderness around us. I'm...frightened by it. That unknown, that lack of security. It scares me. Sharky might be more reckless than I. I'm also very drunk, and it's not even bedtime yet. A part of me wants to chase Sharky into that void of the wilderness. To hop the creek. To charge through the pitch black trees. So unknown.
  13. If it's affixed directly to the teeth, that brace shouldn't affect the MRI at all and should be safe. Titanium is pretty good in MRIs, and the real danger is the heating of the metal as the MRI "charges" it.
  14. This is absolutely fascinating. Really interesting to see what results come out of the research.
  15. Been a while! Nothing too huge to report on from my end. Haven't hit the zone like last time with Rarity+drugs, been a little busy. I went in for a surprise surgery a few weeks back, nothing major. But I knew well ahead of time that I was going to be freaking out a little, but having Sharky and Rara there with me was very comforting. Was freaking out during the surgery, but they were right there, calming me down, telling me how routine it all was. It was just...nice. I'm so damn comfortable in life right now, especially with them. Everything's just perfect.
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