It has been six months...
It doesn't sound like a long time, and perhaps, in the term of a lifetime, six months is not a terribly long period of time, but the past six months have felt...broadened and lengthened, as my life has begun to change in many ways. It has been a time that has shown me that life can be far more fascinating than I could previously imagine, that the word "impossible" barely applied to the human condition, the human mind.
It was six months ago that I was carelessly, aimlessly browsing the infamous 4chan, idly looking for pictures to save on the My Little Pony board, when I had noticed an...unusual thread. One that discussed something that sparked my interest, and got me to read further, and the deeper I went, the more I was fascinated. It spoke of the ability to generate a new mind, a new being within your own, both separate and one, of fascinating new possibilities I had only considered fit for the realm of fantasy novels.
It was six months ago that I started my first intentional tulpa, Luna, the pony. At the time, I was quite...in love with the character. I was perhaps a bit...entranced by her depth and her mind, I wanted to be a part of that, to have it close to me. When I came upon the idea that I would be able to embrace the one I dearly sought after at the time. I realized that I could perhaps have something that I desired, someone who I could share myself with, someone closer and more intimate than would be possible with anyone else. I dearly wanted to be with Luna in such a way...then I remembered.
It was six months...six months and four years ago I had created my own character. A dragon anthro, for when I first discovered roleplay chats. It took me nearly three days to come up with a name I liked. I ended up picking a name out of a book: Kallin. I enjoyed building him and playing with him with other people, it eventually became natural, and I began to get a feel for how he might think, how he might feel...He began to feel more alive to me than any character in any book or show had.
It was four months and two years ago that I made the mistake. I was in a bit of a morbidly curious mood for a while. Morbid, but cheerful on the whole. I had begun to wonder what would it be like if I were to end Kallin. How would I want it to happen, who would I want to roleplay that with. I couldn't get it out of my mind, because while I was strangely fascinated with the idea, it also felt...disturbing. As though I was doing something...destructive. Damaging. It took three days for the deed to come to completion. When it did, I knew instantly what had happened.
Kallin, my character, my persona, my...friend, was dead.
It was when I had read the tulpa thread, that I realized, after two years of guilt, that perhaps there was a chance to...undo the damage that had been done. I began to hope, but something deep down told me that it was not yet the time. That I was not yet ready to undertake the task. I realized this, and I poured myself into the task of bringing about Luna. I began to realize already that this was going to be something that was about to change my life.
At first, I found the progress to be quite interesting and rather unlike anything I had ever done before. I tried building a general form, an idea, that I both sculpted the physical shape and applied the mind behind it that I was making at the same time. It was at this point that I realized how imprecise the mind builds things, that while the mental image at first seems rather perfect, that upon closer inspection it still needed considerable work. Progress in this manner continued for several weeks, where I scheduled time that I would dedicate to giving my Luna attention that I was told she needed.