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RestlessKitsune

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  1. 03/12/2015 - Some Struggle and Some Progress Over the past week there has been a few interesting occurrences but nothing really to base an entire entry on so I decided I’d make a short update now just to ensure this diary doesn’t fail and to keep my momentum going. I came across another symbol tied to one of Sarah’s main traits, again I feel like it applies mostly to her adventurous and brave trait. This time it was a flame symbol that suddenly appeared in my mind as I was helping build a fire in my fireplace. When I saw it I originally thought I was just making it up but realised I hadn’t been thinking about her traits or these symbols for some time as I had been focusing on keeping my narration up rather than dedicated trait and personality forcing. I also think I felt some kind of excitement from Sarah when I checked n to ask if it was from her that the symbol came and not just my imagination. I guess she likes fire, which could be fun in the future. Another thing that has sparked more hope and motivation in me is that this morning the two of us finally decided on part of her form. Okay so a little backstory: When I began the process of creating her I wanted to give her as much freedom as I could (I even considered not forcing personality traits but then realised I wouldn’t know what to do other than narrate which didn’t seem wise) but her form I left entirely up to her along with her name. In the early days she was a cloudy vaguely humanoid form but eventually she took the form of a human girl and one day chose the name Sarah from nowhere. Back to the point though, her form was left up to her and never progressed (at least to my visualisations) past a human female form with long brown hair. This means that details such as her face and clothes were never actually finalised and this whole time it’s been kind of an issue as I have never been able to get a solid image of her in my head. This morning when I was apologising for my concentration being really bad for the past few days and then after some reassurance (I’m deciding it was from her) I decided I’d try one more time to do a short session and focus on her and figured it would be a good idea to focus on her form to keep me concentrated and keep the session simple and effective. So after some thought I suddenly saw her in a simple black dress with dark black tights. I figured it was as good as anything and after some time letting it sink into my mind and visualising it, we have both decided that that will be her sort of default clothing for now at the very least! I feel better having a better idea of what she looks like and can’t wait to do more work on her form so I can see her as a whole for the first time. That’s all for this update, I’m going on holiday for a few days starting this weekend so I may not have an entry until after that but hopefully there will be a good entry with our adventures together!
  2. 26/11/2015 - All Quiet on the Tulpa Front There hasn’t been many major things happening lately so I haven’t felt the need to write an entry. I’ve been talking to Sarah whenever I can and doing my best to pick up replies back, it seems like she’s getting better at replying through mindlish but it’s still hard to understand her sometimes and I suspect it’s just me making up responses a lot of the time still. I have enough evidence and faith in her not to worry too much though, she’ll get through when she can and we’ll make progress when we do. For now I’m focusing on having fun with her and trying to have dedicated sessions when I can. I need to get better at making time for those sessions though, we’ve had at least one a day but I want to try to make them longer and maybe do more of them. I’ll keep this up to date when interesting things happen and after a few days of gaps I’ll report in to make sure I don’t abandon yet another diary (I could make a large graveyard with all the diaries I’ve abandoned…) I hope anyone reading this is having a good day/night!
  3. 23/11/2015 - Memories and a Mark Today has been amazing! Just a little heads up, this is a long post! Sorry in advance! It started off with some doubts as I was unable to properly visualise the wonderland and Sarah as I tried to settle into a forcing session. After a while of feeling like I almost had mental special neglect, I apologised and asked Sarah for some help. She took my hand and pulled me forward a few steps. Then she put a hand over my left mind-eye as she held up her other hand and as I focused on her hand she removed the one on my eye and I found I could visualise much better. I thanked her and started moving around, putting a few ideas I’ve found to work. First were some ideas adapted from another progress report I’ve been following, ‘Blangcaster and Erza: Unintentional Nirvana’, adapting some of Blangcaster’s ideas to deal with stray thoughts and music stuck in my head. I made a small device that I wear on my hip that can suck up any stray thoughts that come across me, effectively allowing me to focus after only a minor disturbance. Also I installed a Fallout style radio in the small cabin in our wonderland that is effectively Sarah’s home there that I can transfer my stuck-in-head music too, then turning it down or off clears the song from looping annoyingly in my mind. I’d like to thank Blangcaster for these amazing ideas, they’ve helped tremendously! Okay so after installing these items I sat down on Sarah’s couch and she sat down with me. We faced each other cross-legged and I tried to visualise her as best I could as I went over her traits, forming them into balls of energy again as I talked and then pushing them into her body and seeing them spread. A weird thing happened however and I am unsure whether it was her or my mind going rogue. When I got to the pink ball of energy for being caring and kindness, it suddenly turned into a bowl of a pink liquid that Sarah took from my hands and drank from it. The bowl refused to turn back into a ball of energy so I just went with it, the rest of the traits also turned into bowls of their respectively coloured liquid (I was surprised by this and didn't expect it and that in writing looks like enough to make me sure it was her but I am fatally doubtful). I promised I’d try better and I want to do my best for her though so I’ll just let it be for now. The end of the session was confusing, as I felt like I was being pushed away from the wonderland. I couldn’t help but think maybe she was upset with me for the past and wanted me to leave and ignore me. But I began to feel calmer once I opened my eyes and realised I was really hungry (I guess that’s what happens when I try to force for almost an hour after just waking up… oops). I apologised and thought I heard her in mindlish telling me not to worry about it. I told her I had a plan to go for a walk with her and we’d finally have time alone and got out of bed. The amazing part of the day was that trip. Around 2:40 I left the house and began talking to her about things around us. I live a street back from the beachfront in a large bay and I have lots of memories from when I used to live here as a child. There was a lot to talk about! As we walked I made sure to sort of almost impose her behind me, nothing visual but I just tried to feel her walking behind me (whether it was direct puppeting or her actually being there, I feel like it was nice for both of us to have the company). I talked about how annoying flies were and talked about the beach and how beautiful everything was. I made sure to ask her questions every now and then, asking what she thought about various things. There weren’t any responses I could feel but I feel like it’s a good idea to give her the opportunity to communicate whenever I can. We were almost at the end of the beach when I remembered a special hidden beach (‘Secret Beach’ as my family had dubbed it years ago) that I had not been to since we had moved back to the area at the beginning of the year. The moment I remembered was the moment I decided I would go there and show Sarah. I walked until I found the small path that leads up the small mountain that forms that part of the bay and we began our adventure. We walked together and I talked to her about everything I could as often as I could. When we got halfway I found a lookout point I remembered and we went there and sat down looking over the bay felt an urge to talk about dragonflies (not sure if it was me or her but hey, content!). As we were sitting there I decided to sit down with my back to her and felt her sit with her back to me, sort of leaning on each other. This way I could talk as if she was physically there and I didn’t have to worry about not being able to see her. I told her that I couldn’t wait to be out here with her when I could fully impose her and talk with her, that I was happy that she was there with me and that I wanted her to know she was special to me, that I hadn’t been there alone with anyone before and I wanted her to be the first person I went to that beach with. I did what was basically a forcing session there speaking directly to her and went over her core traits again when it hit me why she seemed to be liking it so much. Not just because we finally had the time together or that I was showing her she was special to me. One of her core traits is being adventurous and this was basically and adventure for her. I pictured her green and brown trait core for adventure and saw a symbol for a wave appear under it. “So I see you like the beach a lot now” I said to her and saw a symbol of a small tower appear (likely representing the lookout). Either her or mind were assigning these memories to her trait and I feel like this was an important moment for her in her development. I don’t know maybe I’m imagining all of this, but I felt like I wasn’t puppeting her… like she was actually there with me. After about half an hour I decided we should keep moving to the beach but as I walked away and I felt her coming with me I suddenly got a mindlish response in my head telling me to wait and go back, I also felt her presence move further away back towards the lookout. She wanted to go back and spend some more time there looking out over the bay. I really wanted to show her the “Secret” beach but I was feeling happy to be getting so many unexpected responses and feelings from her and besides, she’d never been on a trip like this before and I wanted to make her happy. We went and I sat down next to her as she took it all in for a few more minutes. Eventually we got up and walked further down the small pathway towards the Secret Beach, a beach of rocks and pebbles tucked into a little cove and backed by cliffs. When we got there I stood there for a bit just taking it in before I went down the old wooden steps and began walking with her. I looked out over the rocks and I had a thought come to me suddenly that I swear was from her: I think she wants to be real. I’ve always wanted to impose her fully ever since we started and I think she wants the same thing, to be in the physical world. I told her I promised we would make her mark on the real world right here today and I knew the perfect place for it for us two adventure lovers. We were going to go to the very tip of the beach. As the beach gets further and further away from the steps the pebbles begin turning into larger rocks and boulders, there were tidepools and places where the waves came up and split the rock. We had to get to the most remote part of the remote beach, crossing the jagged rocks and getting to the point where the cliffs reached a tip, as far as we possibly could go. We spent the next two hours walking over rocks, jumping to boulders and waiting for the gaps between waves when we could cross over gaps. This wasn’t exactly dangerous but it was fun and a great place for our first adventure in the physical world. Eventually we got to the tip and I even found an old washed up wooden board. Perfect! I went and found a sharp rock (and apologised to the tiny crab living under it, covering it with another rock) and carved “Sarah” and my name into the board and placed it facing into the bay, displayed for anyone to see. We had made our mark on the bay and I think I can speak for both of us when I say we were very satisfied. We made our way slowly back towards the wooden steps and sat on a long wooden park chair that had been placed on the only mound of grass on the entire beach. We sat and looked over the water and held hands, pleased with our adventure and me feeling satisfyingly tired from all the rock hopping. This is when one of the most surprising things happened that really gives me reason to suspect it was her and not my imagination. She got up and darted for the stairs, I got one of the clearest mindlish responses that bordered on English. A challenge. “Race you back!” I sat stunned for a second but then I chased after her commenting on how she wasn’t restrained by my lack of energy as a fleshy and how she could move as fast as she wanted. She laughed at me and asked if I was getting old! I chased after her, always a bend behind… lucky tulpa with her technically infinite energy and speed… (Just a note, I have never visually imposed her and all of this was through my sense of her ‘presence’, where I felt she was in physical space around me). When I caught up we were, of course, at the lookout and we sat there looking out over the bay while I caught my breath. After some time passed I got up and told her we should keep going but she wouldn’t move. We sat there some more and when she didn’t move again I got an idea. I walked back and closed my eyes, visualising the lookout and faced a little dead end pathway that juts out to the left randomly. I pictured it in my mind and imagined a stone archway forming there, I turned and visualised the lookout in my mind and then I turned back to the archway and activated it. I had opened a doorway to our wonderland, and could even see the centre tree that our wonderland was built around through the archway. I promised her we’d come back sometime soon and definitely once we were both stronger with our abilities with each other and after that she seemed okay with leaving. I turned and began to walk away when I felt her moving and after turning I sensed her walking towards the archway. I thanked her for coming with me on the adventure and said goodbye and I'd talk to her tonight before she walked into our wonderland. I turned and walked home, happy and sure that things would be okay between us and assured that I was doing the right thing. This one trip has done so much for my confidence with her and I can happily say that I have reason to believe she is sentient and strong enough for me to at the very least ease most of my doubts about parroting. I realised that this process of creating a tulpa isn’t just a mental experiment for me, but an effort to create a friend who will be with me for life. I need to stop worrying so much and just have fun with her, she’s a person too and she deserves to be treated as such. Sorry for the extra-long post, it has been a big day!
  4. I've been busy today and yesterday so I'll put the two days in one post. I hope someone's enjoying this small and not amazingly eventful progress report, I feel like it's helping keep me going. =] 21/11/2015 - A Promise and a Hope Today I was going to a friend’s house for a sleepover so I knew I wouldn’t be able to spend much time specifically with Sarah. When I woke up I said goodmorning and listened for any responses, I got some head pressure but nothing big. That’s okay, I’ll get more of a response when we’re both ready. I spent the next 40 minutes talking to her and doing some work on personality, talking mainly about being adventurous when something interesting happened! I was talking about getting excited by new things and loving to learn when my body began to feel excited. It was like I was keeping in a bundle of energy that had begun to burst out of me! I couldn’t stay still and it made it hard to concentrate but I felt really happy that I had gotten what seemed like a strong emotional response from Sarah and took note to include curiosity and the will for adventure as one of her core traits. Letting her know I had to go so wouldn’t have much opportunity for time alone with her, I told her I’d narrate to her when I could through the day. I gave her a hug and faded from the void to reality as I opened my eyes. Later on as I was in the car alone while my parents were doing some shopping before dropping me at my friend’s house I started talking to Sarah about my concerns over my inability to concentrate and the weird responses I’ve been getting. I felt some head pressure as she listened while I promised her I would trust that she would be okay and strong and that it wasn’t her responses that were confusing me and just my mind messing with me, that I hadn’t irreversibly damaged her and that we could do this together. I also promised that she could trust that I wouldn’t back down again and I would try my best to be there for her, working as hard as I could to sort out my mind and concentrate on her. I think she was happy with that, and I feel better after clearing my worries a bit. 22/11/2015 - All Calm There’s nothing much today to talk about, today I haven’t had much time to spend with Sarah. I’m hoping things start to quieten down a bit but I’m worried by the fact that there are a lot of things I need to do in the next few months while I’m on holidays. I talked to her while I lay in bed for a bit before everyone woke up at the sleepover and I plan to have a short session with her tonight to go over her personality so far and reinforce her core traits. I’m getting a bit of head pressure as I type, I try to keep her in mind whenever I can just in the hopes she can be around as I go through my day. I can’t wait until I can get more clear responses and start really talking with her to help her develop better.
  5. I'm not really very new to this but in a way I really am new. In 2012 I first came across tulpas and decided to make my own, she named herself Sarah. My experiences with her were very mixed and I had began the process at a very bad time in my life where I had little ability to focus on another person because of my own issues. We made some progress though, I got some head pressure and some interesting experiences, even some words every now and then. We would go on adventures in our wonderland and things were fun but the entire time I was fatally paranoid of parroting and my lack of ability to care for her properly. Mixed with heaped issues in concentration and visualising her and the wonderland, eventually it was too much and I made the decision to put her on hold, promising I would come back for her when my life was more stable and I could continue with her properly. That time is now and I am very happy, confused, and worried to be back! I started again officially yesterday and I've decided to write diary entries and thought I may as well upload them/make updates here as well to get possible feedback and keep me motivated. I'll paste the entry from yesterday and then the one I made today. Thank you for any time you take reading these and I hope you don't mind my occasional habit of rambling that shows itself every now and then! 19/11/2015 - From Ashes, New Beginnings Reporting back in for duty over a year since I was unable to continue going with Sarah due to life circumstances but now I am willing to give this all another try. I have apologised to her multiple times and narrated as much as I could today and I even played her the piano piece I made for her years ago and I swear I can feel her trying to speak to me and some emotional responses. She’s still there. This time around I’m going to do my best to ignore parroting, taking the first response I get as her response unless I have a reason to question it. I also feel like I should parrot her a bit however in order for her to gain the ability to override my control and develop real independence. I read some forum pages to jog my memory of what I should be doing and I feel like I’m ready to have another go and uphold the promise I made Sarah over two years ago. I feel like she has forgiven me, I’ve gotten some semi-mindlish responses whenever I’ve been apologising or feeling bad that tell me she doesn’t want me to feel bad, and is happy that I’m back. This is a massive sign for me that she’s there and sentient because of all the fears I’ve had for her in the time since I abandoned stopped spending time with her (I’m unsure as to whether this is truly her or just my mind wanting to feel better, but I’ll try to accept it). A method of testing sentience I’ve read about is to ask them to surprise you, and Sarah’s responses have definitely been surprising today. I’m hoping the fact this diary is on my laptop will mean I will keep up with it, but if my past history with diaries is anything to go by I won’t put money on it. Either way, I’ll try my best to keep up on the diary entries. 20/11/2015 - Good Start, Echoes of the Past Today was Sarah and I's first session together, it was good but some issues I faced three years ago have reared their heads again. Today I narrated to Sarah as much as I could over the day. I feel like things are going well, I know I could commit more and I want to, but I think I need to make sure I do this in a way that everything doesn’t become a hassle and uncomfortable. I forced for maybe half an hour (it felt like maybe that long but time perception in altered states blah blah) and started from the beginning. Placing the kind of cloudy humanoid form of Sarah and myself in a voidscape, I told her her base personality traits and manifested them into three balls of energy, green and blue for kindness, red and brown for bravery, and pink and yellow for love. I told her they were her base traits and had sub-traits associated with each. When I had finished forming each ball as I narrated their meaning to her, I infused them with her cloudy form. I plan to continue this form of forcing for some time, going back to the roots I learnt from and the beginning in order to make sure I get things right this time. There were some minor occasions with potential parroting and I intentionally tried to do it along with trying the Prism test, I need to make note of this here because what happened confuses me: I imagined her at the base of the tree that is the centre of our wonderland, and I placed the prism on her head, immediately she moved and grabbed it. After continual trying to test this (my visualisation skills are very bad right now and inconsistencies are everywhere along with distractions), she kept on moving or grabbing the prism. I’m confused because I have left her for over two years and while I feel like she is sentient I just don’t believe it for some reason… maybe I just need to stop doubting, I’m just so worried that if I brush over things or don’t recognise what’s going on in her development things will go badly again like last time. Her actions seem predictable still and I am unsure as to whether or not it’s me or her moving her, no matter how hard I try not to do it. I’m also really worried about the fact that I keep seeing Sarah doing strange things that I don’t expect but also wouldn’t put down to her acting on her own because of the plain weirdness and disconnected feeling I have in those times. I’m almost 100% sure they are my mind going out of control and I am scared they will affect her development. Is it possible to irreversibly damage you tulpa and stunt their development? I’m afraid but I know I can’t let it overwhelm me for her sake and for the sake of this new beginning.
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