Hi, I'm new and while I did some research a couple of years back, I'm unknowledgable and I wanted to get some experienced opinions on what I think has happened, it's a bit of a story so sorry for what will inevitably be a little complicated.
The events begin in 2012 when I was 17, I had a feeling of displacement and a sense that something was wrong, and I'd come across this site, I read a few guides and set about creating a tulpa, named Layla.
I wanted a tulpa more confident and social, sort of to balance out my confidence in non-social aspects but social anxiety. At the time I also started an occasional but consistent cannabis habit, not heavy as I was finishing high school but regular as a couple of sessions a week.
This further spurred my subconscious feelings of displacement and that something about me was wrong (and I don't mean gender identity or orientation, any personality defect, just that something wasn't right)
After research and influence from things like Fringe and music exploring ego, self-identity and death, I started experimenting with acid, small doses at first to become accustomed to the effects and see if I enjoyed it.
Several months later after more development of layla (I got to a stage where I felt her presence a lot and could almost talk and listen, and was getting freudian slips) I wanted to push past and identify what it was that i felt subconsciously about ego, so I took a higher dose of acid.
The initial dose didn't create any large effect past a normal acid trip, but three weeks later with cannabis usage as well, I experienced an ego death, complete loss of sense of self and separation with everything else. It also later turned out to be my first manic episode, It happened over a night with effects that in hindsight seem mixed between non-visual aspects of lsd and a manic state. afterwards I spent a day or two in a manic state without any hallucinogenic effects, but strong after-effects, confusion and being dazed, basically the energy of mania with some thought alteration but not strong thoughts effects. sorry if that's vague, and might not be relevant to the tulpa issue but is part of the story.
I got hospitalised at this point and was sedated. After I came down I was with a sense of difference, this is when I think I (tallis) started and Peter, Who I used to be in a sense started ending. From that point it was a decay into depression about who I was until my next manic episode which made me realise what happened the first time was the ego death ended Peter and created/came back (i really don't know what word to use) as me, though it took the time between episodes to realise it.
Meanwhile the progress peter made with layla seemed to be stunted and stopped after the ego dissociation. As I've realised over the last few months coming through the rebound depression from the 2nd manic episode what happened over the whole process I think there's been a sense that Layla and I were "waiting" for peter to fade more completely before I could give her the focus required to develop into full consciousness.
So I know this has been very long winded, thanks to anyone who gave it the full consideration, the basic question is,
do you think that in the process of the first manic episode with the sense of depersonalisation, acid and desire to create a tulpa (layla) created me instead (tallis) and brought peter back but only to fade.?
Has this whole process and the time that Layla has been left without growth made her fade too much for me to develop her as a full tulpa?
I might be wrong about some parts, right about others, or missing some points. I'm not too sure as I don
t remember the research on tulpae from the first time around. Any advice or opinions would be great.