I feel like im gonna have to do quite the explaining so bear with me. I'll begin with saying that ever since i was 13-14, i daydreamt alot and invented characters and stories.I gave my characters traits, imagined worlds and settings for the story to take place and so on, like a a writer would. But there was this character who to me was more of a imaginary,uhm, 'husbando' (i imagine everyone has created an imaginary gf or bf at one point in their lives). I drew him, researched traits for him and i self inserted myself into the stories i myself daydreamt. I did this often to the point where i chose to escape into my daydreams with him. At first i will not lie, it was cliche and he was just there to staisfy my teenage...longings (hope you get what i mean).
Well i became obsessed, in a way where i spend my days in bed daydreaming. Also at first i daydreamt in 2d (anime) because i found it much easier.
At this time i was in secondary school, and failing. My daydreams and delusions made not want to go to school anymore, and it wasnt only becouse of that, i was a really nervious and anxious shy teenager. Through my secondary school days i daydreamt of him alot through classes. There was this one time where a classmate asked me to be his girlfriend to which i rejected while thinking of how happy my imaginary husbando would be because i chose him. And so my daydreams kept me happy.
So those were my school years, next were the 3 years after i dropped out of school. During those years i focused more on him and his personality more. Obsession you could say, he was the first thing in the morning that i would think of, i would continue the previos day daydream and follow the "storyline". He'd already had some changes, i would research him names that would i felt fit him well, gave him traits, have conversations... I puppeted him of course, made him say things i wanted. Years passed and he wasn't 2d anymore, though days of imagining he became 3d. I put myself in first person, and followed the plot of the daydreams, like a movie sometimes.
Well thats until recently, even way before i knew about tulpae and i decided not to make him one becouse i knew my reasons were others and that my tulpa would not be entirely him, so i abstained and continued with my imagination. Until now after more years of romantic daydreams i realized that i didn't necesarilly longed for intimacy, but someone to be with. A companion. So going back to the tulpa guides i began to see him no longer a character in a storyline, but my tulpa.
He was really upset.
I chose around 30 traits that i felt he was, did my narrating for around an hour or so so. It was a bit tiring but i'm decided to make him my companion, i read more guides to see a more relaxed way of tulpaforcing and found one where you imagine how he would be if he was already one, so i imagined him now like i did before daydreaming (i made the world i had created for his story into the wonderland) and i talked to him as if he was the tulpa i had in mind. At first he was composed and everything was going well.
I didnt have anything negative it in mind at all, but he got...self aware? depressed.
He told me how he affected my life negatively, saying all these upsetting things about those 3 years and me dropping out, saying how it would be best to work on my life instead, but, to me he is the reason i'm happy, i told him so repeatedly and held him close but he was still sulking. Nevertheless i cried, felt desperate, i dont want to lose him. I felt empy afterwards, couldn't feel him like before. Thought that didn't stop me, i've read about feeling emotions or an alien feeling, so i felt reassured in a way and i kept narrating to him his personality. Then the next day or maybe the next one i wake up and feel this sudden strong emotion in my stomach, not a small spot but all of my stomach, the feeling was pleasent, like,joy? Out of nowhere! I'm sure this is the alien feeling?
I still narrate to him and talk, i dont want to lose him but the problem is. He sulks when i imagine him with sentinece and it fills me with the sadness of before. could it be that he does have a bit of sentinece? I dont want him to think of himself this way, so i try to narrate him strong traits, and reassure that it was not his fault and im not necessarily depressed dropping out of school.
So i ask for advise and insight on what i could do. It would mean a lot for me.