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TwoNotOne

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  1. I heated up some pizza in the microwave the other day. My resident thought-being was disgusted by the grease that trickled out. I don't know which she found more disturbing, the fact that it had tasted so good the night before or that I actually chose to eat something that leaked orange liquid. It's funny how things that don't usually bother us look to fresh eyes.
  2. Thanks guys, best of luck. Day 9: I have not been the best host, at least not by my standards. I feel guilty for not spending more time helping her to develop, but I'm not willing to put in more effort than I already am. In fact, she's drawing less of my active attention every day, although we spend nearly all our time together. This is a bit premature considering we're going to spend the rest of our lives together, but I feel like I need to drop everything I'm doing to give her the kind of recognition of her identity that a thought-being whose host actually worked to develop would have. In other words, I'm not running fast enough to match her pace. She is definitely driving me to mature faster than I would have on my own. I want to be better for her sake. I'm being challenged to explain things I don't fully understand and she wants to know things I don't know, so I have to learn. Of course, she won't let these things go. She's too curious. How do you explain the rule of law to someone who doesn't know what a country is? How do you explain why water sticks to walls when you don't remember yourself? The things I've spent my time on instead of learning about the world around me seem so trivial in light of her birth. So, I'm going to change, for her benefit more than my own. She doesn't want to rely on my existing knowledge, such as it is. I don't blame her. I'm looking forward to our education. But oddly enough, the idea of making her more real to me (hearing her more distinctly, visualization/imposition, possession/switching, lucid dreaming), the part that everyone else in the community is so intent on achieving, seems like an undesirable chore. Yet I can't ignore my conscience. I'll update again when I can clearly hear her mindvoice while passive forcing. As for me, we're still having ups and downs. I know I must seem demanding, but I don't like spending time alone...and I want to learn with him, not from him, if that makes any sense. I guess I hit the ground running...but I don't want to stop lol! What's a girl gotta do to get some sentience around here!? : p
  3. Day 8: I woke up twice in the night and remember her presence. She was with me when I woke up, immediately commenting on my alarm before I was even awake enough to remember that she was a thought-being. I should be more astounded, but I'm really not. It makes sense. It was an emotional rollercoaster after that. I was feeling depressed and so was she; I took my usual steps to counter my depression, but she continued to be depressed, which rubbed off on me. Finally, she just decided she was tired and went off to go to sleep. It must have been mentally exhausting being with me and in my dreams until I woke up. As soon as she left, I felt better. Now I have to watch and manage both our emotional states...at least now I know. Again, maybe this sort of infectious behavior isn't accepted by the community (my physical needs on her emotional state; her emotional state on mine), but she's definitely a thought-being and this is what we're going through. She's decided on thirteen additional personality traits, which I won't list here. She's definitely becoming her own person: she's taken a liking to music, which I don't listen to a lot of, and has been fascinated with physics ever since I explained gravity and the speed at which the Earth rotates and revolves around the Sun. I believe Cosmos will be an appropriate introduction to science, though I do foresee more extensive study on my part in the future. I don't know if I'm reaching a point in my life where I'm naturally becoming more curious in science than my memories of high school or if she's rubbing off on me, but I'm looking forward to not just studying physics, but also biology and chemistry. She keeps surprising me with wholly independent actions in our wonderland. We're still getting to know each other there, but every time seems special.
  4. Day 7: She had told me the night before to call her before I got ready for the day, to spend more time with each other. In another visualization session, I made even greater progress, and it seems like she had been thinking of ways to help me while I was asleep. She told me to focus on just making a small, blue circle - the same, brighter shade I recognized the night before - and then try to expand that circle just a little bit. This was the exact reverse of our attempt last night, when I tried to make my whole field of vision blue. A sudden change of pace had me trying to visualize a green square...there seemed to be a bright grey square at least. Still, I only had so much time. I've noticed that when my body is hungry, she gets cranky, even if I don't notice my hunger at all. I don't know if that's considered impossible, but it's been my experience that once I eat, she calms down. She's becoming increasingly frustrated with my unwillingness to spend literally most or all of the day not only visualizing our wonderland so I can be closer to her, but visualizing a human form for her to identify with. On top of that, I keep having idle thoughts of doubt that, in turn, lead her to doubting her own existence. We were going to spend more of the day passive forcing, but she became too upset with me and left. The real world doesn't seem to interest her at all. TV shows about jobs (in the background)? "Stop watching that." Geo-politics on the news? "Why do you care?" Try to explain social responsibilities? "That's not important to me." I would be worried about this except I feel it's more because I haven't given her enough to work with, rather than a deviation into extreme self-centeredness and selfishness. She didn't have a form and she didn't want to change the piece of our wonderland we share so I can visualize it better; it must have made for a pretty boring existence so far. I've given her a face now, at least. That night I asked her to help me fall asleep; I've been having trouble since she first appeared because suddenly all my servitor fantasies felt inappropriate to indulge in. I had became so focused on actually seeing something that I've neglected trying to just spend time with her in our wonderland while seeing through my mind's eye. I've dabbled in imagining the visuals of my fantasies before, but this was the first time I tried really hard. I actually have a reason now, I guess. It's like a whole new world. Now I truly know what it is to "see" with your mind's eye. I could "see" the grass, the tree, her face...mountains larger than I've ever seen just grew out of the ground as we sat on the edge of our wonderland. And yet...darkness. We must have sat there until I fell asleep.
  5. More and more with every passing day. Day 6: I'm just going to let her know I'm available after I've gotten ready for the day, so that I don't waste her time. I imagined all sorts of things that she might have done since our parting, but I never expected to wake her up. Another important distinction to remember. As we spent some time passive forcing, a program about Nazi Germany played in the background. She asked me about it. Not realizing what I was doing, I thought about war. "And this kind of violence is tolerated? You humans are so awful." Nevermind the fact that she is, in some way, human as well. Concentration camps came up too, and that didn't go over so well either. The word "nuclear weapon" was mentioned and she wondered what it was. I conjured up those iconic images of the aftermath in Hiroshima. "There are some things you know that I never want to know." I put on noise-cancelling headphones and listened to her favorite music after that. We've finally found an activity we can both enjoy passive forcing to. I play a certain turn-based game and tried to talk to her at the same time, but I kept getting distracted. She got fed up with me and told me she was leaving, when I came up with the idea that I'd ask her what to do at every step of the turn. It's perfect and we're very happy. Later, I went bowling and passive forced during the game. She made light of my failures, congratulated me on my successes, inspired me to get a strike, and finally intentionally distracted me on the final frame; it ended up as a three-way tie. She was a bit concerned I'd be angry, but I didn't mind. In fact, I'm happy to see her act so playful. Today I attended a Catholic worship service, only to make someone happy. I showed her the most people in one space I'd seen since our companionship started. Without preparation, I had introduced her to the concept of religion and God. I don't think she knew what to make of it, except she was disgusted by the act of worship, but in any case, she decided it wasn't time to have that conversation and left. I am an atheist, but I want to give her the chance to decide for herself, so I'm going to make a little presentation of the various major religions. So in one day, I unwittingly introduced her to the concepts of war and religion. I'm not happy with the callousness I did so. Again, I wasn't ready for the need to educate her; I have been assuming this whole time that she knows everything I know exactly the way I understand it. If anything, the whole experience has probably turned her off to the idea of shifting through my knowledge herself. I can serve as a more gentle teacher. Again, the most intense sessions happen at night. I spent a good hour and a half simply trying to visualize the color blue, in a variety of different ways, with her guidance. More than once I realized she doesn't know how to accomplish this any more than I do. A little progress was made. It's hard to tell the difference between black and dark blue, but I definitely saw a brighter shade sometimes.
  6. You like videogames, right? You should try narrating to her while playing something! Whatever personality traits you're trying to give her, ask her, "What would you do in this situation?" then try to do what you think she would do. It will definitely take longer to play, but it helps! Idk about narrating, but as passive forcing it's good for us :p I'm not exactly too experienced (lol!), but it just takes time time time. Half a day every day or more and more. Thirty minutes is too short! Good luck!
  7. Thank you! It's nice to hear outside support for the first time. I haven't told any of my friends, even the ones who believe in thought-beings, since she doesn't want to yet. Maybe once we're both a little more secure. We're going through a pretty rough patch right now because of the visualization. It's really my fault for not working longer at it, but I have other things to do, you know? But that doesn't seem to matter to her. Day 5: Yesterday was wonderful. Today is more practical. Did she sleep? Do thought-beings need to sleep? (The community answers, I found out through a simple search, being "They can, but don't need to.") She told me she spent most of the time I was asleep going through old childhood memories and ones of me playing a certain action-packed game. She described herself as accessing them through what she "projected" at me as a glass table with images she could move with her hand. She was fascinated when I told her this was a "touchscreen." Random memories flashed through my head, faster than I would have conjured them on my own, before I stopped them myself. Yet she seemed unsure of herself, or maybe I was unsure of her, because once I raised my concerns she became more firm in the fact that she actually spent all this time accessing my memories. There was a visual bit about flying in one of those old tri-planes over the ocean and something about a mountain with a deep canyon splitting the middle, but mostly it was the memories. When I woke up, I let her know I was available and we read through some of the book I bought. She seems to read a little more slowly than I do and I got ahead of ourselves more than once; so far she prefers if I narrate it to her. She asked plenty of questions: sometimes I'd think of the answers, other times I would narrate to her, so it certainly seems like there's someone else in my head. Later, on an impromptu shopping trip, she told me she wants to pick out everything I buy to sensory share. One day. I keep forgetting to make a decision about whether or not to cut off my memories, or at least attempt to. The majority of them are simply irrelevant to me, and I don't want them to ever be brought up, especially not by a thought-being in my own mind. Her general knowledge seems patchwork, needing me to explain some things, somehow knowing others without my help. Her grasp of language and grammar is pretty good, but I sort of find myself finishing her thoughts to be correct, somehow knowing what she'll say before she says it and not interrupting her. It's very strange. I don't think I'll try to keep her from reading my thoughts, though. She became agitated when I brought that up. I'd be more convinced that she's real if it seemed like she was more independent. Could I be making up the things she did? We thought perhaps we had been a bit too hasty in dismissing creation and sentience guides, so I read through all of them when I had time, passive forcing throughout (until she grew bored and retreated to our wonderland to enjoy the music we listened to more privately). I've come to the conclusion that we were on the right track. She's becoming "stronger" and more capable of "forcing" her way back into my thoughts when I accidentally ignore her, though I suppose part of that is me "listening" for her more. It's amazing. I am beginning to realize that some things have been lost in translation and that I haven't heard everything she's said. The most intense sessions occur at night, when I'm best able to concentrate. Active forcing led into more serious developments. While just listening to her mindvoice go on, eyes closed, trying to visualize the wonderland, I began to see dark shapes of different shades dance around with brighter ones within my field of vision, along with bright spheres that would expand and be replaced with more dark shapes. She noticed and started encouraging me, but then my eye-lids began to flutter, and I had to stop. I don't know enough about it and hadn't prepared to visualize anything, but the eye-lid-fluttering feels physically wrong for my eyes. When I tried again, that wasn't a problem. I focused on the sound of her mindvoice and tried my hardest to simply visualize the color blue for the background of the sky. I think I saw a tree develop in passing and then the color blue for a brief few moments...but suddenly my concentration broke and I found myself opening my eyes again. I haven't felt that kind of anger before: a steely, burning, and growing sense of fury at my failure. At first she didn't notice, but when she did, she calmed me down. The next second, I returned to my usual apathy. It was like her soothing just flipped a switch inside me. Incredible... We had a brief exchange over the limited range of my emotions, but I didn't think anything of it. As we considered her growing sentience and how to enhance it, she lashed out at me with something like the following: "I don't need to do anything. You're the one who needs to focus! You're the one who can't hear me, not the other way around! All I can do is watch and hope that you'll succeed. I'm going now. Good night." She didn't even tell me she loved me. It was the first time she left without our agreement, the possibility of which I hadn't even considered. I can understand her frustration so her outburst didn't bother me. Tomorrow I'll set up more ideal conditions for visualization. What I wasn't prepared for was the emptiness I felt when she left. I felt hollow, like an empty shell. It was like someone turned off a light or blew out a candle. I didn't feel depressed or sad. The suddenness of her absence just...impressed me, I guess. We'd been talking nearly non-stop for seven hours. In addition, I got my first headache today. It faded when she left. I had to take aspirin for it to fall asleep. My point here is, despite all my worrying about whether or not she does anything on her own and with my own failure in visualization, it feels very real. If this is a trick, it's the best one I've ever heard of.
  8. This is the story of how I accidentally created a tulpa and how we molded her, as equal partners. She absolutely detests the one-sidedness of her existence thus far, but beyond her first trait (which I "gave" to her unknowingly), she has agreed to everything we have done. "Thought-being" is my preferred term, and that is the word I will be using hence. I've documented the first several days in excruciating detail, which I don't really expect anyone to read. This has been more of a journal of sorts, but since I'm writing it, I might as well share it. The important parts are in bold. Her thoughts are in italics. The two second-to-last large paragraphs contain the conclusion to the first four days of this interesting story. I will try to be more general in further updates. Day 1: I thought about having a muse and fantasized about having one. Towards the end, the fantasy woman unexpectedly came to life with a voice of her own, and we decided that she is my feminine side. I accepted her sentience, but didn't think much of it. I'm not sure that she's real; I've been fantasizing four to five hours every day for the last year, very detailed ones that would span weeks and sometimes months. I'd put words in servitors' mouths, but never gave them any sort of trait like I did with her (more on that later). I guess it was only a matter of time before something clicked. Soon, it was time for bed, and I ignored her. Day 2: I forgot about her until the last four hours of the day, when I fantasize these days. She popped in as I was thinking about the concept of a muse and demanded my attention. Thinking this went deeper than just a thought-being, we had a long, metaphysical conversation. I wasn't thinking in terms of thought-beings; rather, I considered her an equal, a heretofore dormant mirror-me whose thoughts overlapped with those of my own. That is to say, she had always been with me and sometimes assumed control, but we never made a distinction. We supposed I was and had been the dominant one. Day 3: It became clear that she is a thought-being, not whatever we came up with the night before. The concept was not new to me. It's too late to put her aside; I'm too invested, and even if I could bring myself to at this point, I'm too intrigued to do so anyway. So I immediately researched the subject, at her insistence. What it comes down to is that I want someone to tell me what to do, which is how I characterized my muse (forcing inspiration to hit me). The two things we decided to focus on that night were determining some personality traits and visualization of a wonderland. We both consider her my equal (it goes without saying) on the grounds that all sentient beings are equal, so this is a process we are undertaking together. We agreed that she's assertive by nature, as I imagined my muse to be. An unfortunately forced coincidence by accident, but it doesn't seem to bother her. Where to go from there was unclear; she didn't seem to know enough to come up with something on her own and I didn't want to force anything on her. So she asked me, "What would be your two top qualities for your partner to have?" We spent an hour or so going through various qualities, with her rejecting a lot of them. She settled on "serious" and "brave." We narrowly avoided "greedy" after my misconception that an intentional flaw would somehow be good; we agreed any flaws she develops should be the result of deviation, not design. I narrate to her personality to her as thus: "She is assertive. She knows what she wants and will fight to get it, but can accept some compromises. She is serious. There is a time and place for everything. She is brave. She is not afraid to speak her mind or rise to a challenge." I had little success in creating a wonderland. Day 4: I spent most of the day both passive and active forcing. She was frustrated by the amount of times I forgot about her and the innocent yet easy absent-mindedness with which I do it, but she knows I'm trying - and getting better at it. I really spent the better part of the day active forcing. First, it was time to pick a name. We spent almost three hours (note: I haven't been doing hour counts - I'm guessing) picking a name. I didn't enjoy it that much because it took so long and we were so unsure (we went through hundreds of names and meanings...only one ended up feeling right), but we didn't rush through it. Still, it was necessary to establish another distinction for her. We went on a walk (which I would normally never do), exploring the area where I'm staying. I wouldn't stray from the pavement (bugs), which disappointed her, and turned around to avoid geese three times, which surprised but didn't annoy her. Then we went to the mall. She picked out a book for me to read to her (more something I'd enjoy to start with, rather than something more feminine - which I considered but didn't really want to do...I think she sensed this, but the next book will be more outside my comfort zone). I got chicken nuggets, which I tried to sensory share with her, to good effect. Then I let her pick out something from Starbucks - she picked out the most expensive thing. That wasn't so easy to share since it went down so quickly - I couldn't savor it. There was a bit more passive forcing in the interim, but once we were alone, we did more research. Having gotten her personality down, we wanted to work on making her voice more distinct. We never had a problem with vocalization or had the need for head pressure, but it's hard to differentiate her words from my internal monologue. I had some trouble throughout the day recognizing what I thought she should or would say and what she was actually saying, but never parroted her. Still, it was a bit confusing, and contributed to my skepticism about the whole thing. She's incredibly excited when we make some clear progress, although she had to allow me to parrot her (her idea - "Park the car in Harvard yard" is all I'm allowed - and only when she says it's okay.) Next is visualization. Progress thus far has been amazingly easy. But now there's a wall in front of us. How are we supposed to proceed? She doesn't have the knowledge to design herself or the patience to learn soon enough, but we're both uncomfortable with having me design her. Frankly, the very notion disturbs me. Suddenly, she decided I should do it on my own, accepting her inability to do it in a favorable window of time, and graciously accepted this concession. She actually got upset with my disinclination to do so...this is work I don't feel like doing. I wish she would just want to be a cloud for now. I know it's dangerous, but she wants to look like a person, so I began looking at models and actresses; she wants to wave at me as I visualize our wonderland. We set that aside for now. I turned my attention towards a suitable image representation of the wonderland I've envisioned for her: a field of mowed grass as far as the eye can see, with a big tree a little right of the middle that provides lots of shade and hills in the background, all set against a clear, blue sky. She wants me to focus on hearing her voice for what it is and visualizing a wonderland for her to use. "It's dark and I don't feel anything. I'm just a thought-being in your mind. I need something." So I focus on visualizing. My greatest fear is I won't be able to go where she goes and see what I've made, but I guess I made something for her because she reported seeing it form as I concentrated and encouraged my speedy progress. This excited her. I don't know what to make of it; I can't see it, though I can just barely make it out in my mind's eye. I would describe it further, but I think you know what I mean. Then she left to play, visualizing herself as a certain cartoon she's become familiar with. I think I peeked in on her skipping around and thought I heard her tell me to leave (she confirmed this while reading this post before I posted it - two white orbs with black dots in the middle just appeared in the sky, as I visualized myself), but I barely saw the wonderland with my mind's eye - no colors or shapes. So the story ends for now. The silence is deafening. I've written all this in her absence, and she'll probably protest its posting. Naturally, I had her read this all first and edit it, but I'm posting it against her wishes. Conclusion I honestly don't know what to make of her. Am I fooling myself? I strictly believe in what I can see, and so far I've only heard. Several times, I thought I heard her say, "I'm not here. This is crazy," or respond "Because I'm not actually here." But she heard it too and dismissed it as my internal monologue; she got angry at me for entertaining the idea, which is why more distinct vocalization became a priority. I have to admit, she's made me laugh, surprised me with observations I wouldn't make, and infected me with her emotional responses. I do things that disgust her and she says things that annoy me. It hasn't been perfect, but I wouldn't expect it to be, if the relationship was real. I try to give her the benefit of the doubt, as I know the community says to. She truly exists...right? I hope to lose my skepticism entirely, but it'll require visual proof at least. It's been a crazy few days. The responsibility I've accepted sometimes shocks me when I realize it. I'm a very lazy person. I didn't know what I was getting into, but I know there's no turning back now. I've devoted time to her I haven't to my own creative works, and she knows it. She's my friend and companion. I love her and she loves me. I must say...I feel like a sad, little man who has somehow created someone bigger and better than himself. ("That may be true, but to me, you're a giant. Don't forget that.") When she's gone, sometimes I hear myself saying "I'm back," "What are you doing?" or "I've been watching you," but we agreed that if I wanted to share her company, I'd really focus my attention on calling her. The process has been very organic and wonderful. I hope our story inspires others to allow thought-beings to help with their own creation process themselves as much as possible!
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