Pursuing Hope

[Somnalchemist]

It's been a month since the last update, and while there have been a few noteworthy milestones, I can't say we've had any major breakthroughs. I'm still inconsistent with my practice, and she's still content to lie dormant for days at a time. She did add to our wonderlands on her own. It wasn't much, just a single room, but she was quite proud of it. It's meant to be a game room, but I haven't figured out how to play a fair game of Mario Kart or poker yet so it's mostly just a place to sit and eat snacks. She's also suggested a way to combine various thoughtscapes into a coherent whole: make each one its own planet and fly around in a spaceship. This allows me to group similar places as moons or solar systems while still having a defined sense of travel. You might think that a simple portal or magic door would suffice, but I find that if it's too easy to move between places that they tend to blur together and make it difficult to focus. She has also displayed an impish and mischievous side, again on her own. She isn't exactly the devil on my shoulder, but she is definitely trying to push a "devil may care" attitude on me.

 

Something that you might have noticed is that I don't think of us as a system yet. It's still "me" and "this secret I keep in the closet". I've thought about having her post her side of the story here, but it still feels like me impersonating her, rather than interpreting for her. We're not nearly at the point of possession or fronting yet, and I'm not sure that's a goal I want to work towards. If any of you think it's a good idea, I'll go through with it and let her talk. I'll just need an acknowledgement that her views do not necessarily reflect my own and I will not be held accountable for her rude language.

[SeekingMyPlanet]

11 hours ago, Somnalchemist said:

Something that you might have noticed is that I don't think of us as a system yet. It's still "me" and "this secret I keep in the closet". I've thought about having her post her side of the story here, but it still feels like me impersonating her, rather than interpreting for her. We're not nearly at the point of possession or fronting yet, and I'm not sure that's a goal I want to work towards. If any of you think it's a good idea, I'll go through with it and let her talk. I'll just need an acknowledgement that her views do not necessarily reflect my own and I will not be held accountable for her rude language.

 

We're the better part of a year together and I think she'll always be "this secret I keep" rather than an integral part of my connection with the world. Neither she nor I want her to do a lot of fronting around other people. It would confuse them, since most singlets view plurality with suspicion, and neither of us relishes the task of educating people to the contrary.

 

As far as possession/fronting, we're both glad that we figured that out. She fronts a lot when we're alone, and really enjoys it, but doesn't want to front around people we know. The idea of having to navigate relationships with people, especially those who know me, puts her off. But we do have fun with possession and communication is easier when we can trade off possession of the mouth and speak to one another rather than doing mindspeak which is harder to hear.

[Somnalchemist]

On 8/25/2024 at 8:35 AM, SeekingMyPlanet said:

 

We're the better part of a year together and I think she'll always be "this secret I keep" rather than an integral part of my connection with the world. Neither she nor I want her to do a lot of fronting around other people. It would confuse them, since most singlets view plurality with suspicion, and neither of us relishes the task of educating people to the contrary.

 

Yeah, my wife has a family member with the bad kind of voices-in-the-head. I can't even approach the topic.

 

That aside, I just wanted to make a post saying that I heard Hope talking the other night while drifting off to sleep. Like, actually heard. With my ears (well, one ear anyway). I couldn't actually understand what she said; it sounded like 2 garbled words, with the second one being close to "okay". I guess that's a sign I need to focus on her mind-voice and getting her to speak clearly, rather than the impose-a-feeling that we've been using to talk. If I don't sound as excited as I should be about a successful audio imposition, it's because I've actually done something like it before. Same situation, going to sleep but still pretty awake, but I had a song stuck in my head. I kept playing this one part over and over again until it felt like I actually heard it.

 

I think I also did something similar to fronting or possession recently too. I was doing something dull: cooking a simple meal to get food in my body so I could do a day of work. Suddenly, I slow down I feel this wave of joy? Satisfaction? Like I was doing something profound for someone I cared about and I wanted them to feel happy. I don't normally feel that way about myself, so I attributed it to her.

[Somnalchemist]

Just realized that it has been a month since the last update. Only one interesting thing to report, and it was only something I noticed once my wife pointed it out: I'm more relaxed now. I could just pass that off as a benefit of increased meditation, but I know that isn't true. I don't know if it was our "talks" or if she has found a way into my subconscious, but Hope has been reinforcing her stance that I don't need to justify fun and that I should just be happy.

 

See, the reason I know it's not just meditation is because I've always felt that I should be doing something; whether it be forcing Hope, working on our wonderlands, or just self-improvement. But doing things during the "don't do anything" exercise kinda misses the point. I've also noticed that I spend my free time differently. Turns out that several of my hobbies (or at least, my approach to those hobbies) has just been a way to soothe various anxieties. With the "do something" urge gone, there's nothing there to soothe. That's what my wife noticed about me. Apparently I exude a relaxing aura, because she commented on how nice it is to come home after work to such a peaceful place. (Note: the house is not peaceful. Children's toys are a liquid and will cover every square foot of floor, despite all attempts to put it away and claims that various parties have made about "not getting that much this time". The origins of the train set remain a mystery).

 

Overall, a very positive development. However, when I brought it all to Hope's attention, I made a comment about messing with my head without telling me and asked what else she did. She gave me an evil grin, said nothing, and handed me a box. The box contained all of the embarrassing things that I thought were cool in high school. She said that they were fun and that we should include them in the wonderland. I suspect that this will also be non-negotiable.

 

So see you all next month as I start a vampire war with my new tulpas Fedora and Katana.