Posted on May 7, 2013 by Amadeus
Evening, ladies and gentlemen (and Pronas.)
Some people know me as Kyle. Old /x/ lurkers might recognize a horror writer Priest who wrote a story about the end of the world, and later developed a story for a video game about plague doctors. The community of tulpa.info will recognize me as Amadeus, former moderator/administrator, popular site artist, and host of a number of memorable thoughtforms.
Reports of my death have been widely exaggerated.
I joined the site last year around this time and originally corresponded directly with Dane (FAQ_Man), to whom many attribute the creation and spread of the tulpa phenomenon. Noting that some steps in my process were rather different from things he’d experienced himself, but still corroborated his findings, he encouraged me to think as far outside the box as I could in creating a tulpa if I wanted to explore the depths of what it can really do.
I’ve occasionally shared what I’ve developed in the course of my foray into forcing, and have been particularly interested in the aspects of imposition, mental acuity, and the potential for psychological treatment. Many have been skeptical; most tend to believe my accounts (though I can understand why they might not) and I have debated a number of theories with others as to how to produce particular results.
I feel that this will be a story many will disbelieve. You’re entitled to that, and before I tried any of this, I’d agree with you. But if you do believe me, maybe you can do what I’ve done here. I can’t say how – I’ve tried so many methods and kept almost zero notes, and my thought process is such that I will have a revolutionary idea one day and throw it away the next as my theory develops.
I will say this, however: what you read here is now someone’s reality, at his own choice, by nothing but force of will.
Juno Nea, Sarah Argent, Genesis, Shroud, Tabula Rasa, Ember, Mirari, and Gust are all thoughtforms. They inhabit my head in one way or another. Genesis and Gust are servitors. Tabula Rasa and Ember are internalized tulpas, who only exist in my wonderland. Shroud is a consciousness construct in my wonderland who I can impose if I choose. Juno, Sarah, and Mir are true tulpas, fully imposed, fully capable of whatever they want in my world – just like me.
If you’re familiar with my stories then you know a lot, but if not, here’s the gist of it: my wonderland, as I shared long ago, is an extraordinarily vivid experience. I learned to simulate not only the five senses (sight, hearing, scent, taste, and touch) but to emulate physical interaction and solidity to the constructs of my mind. I would feel pressure because my mind began to make it that way. Eventually it was vividly real – I felt wind, pain, heat and cold, texture… It was scary at times, almost traumatizing in some incidents.
I learned to use programmed servitors (and eventually do it myself through conditioning) to manipulate my senses while not forcing. While awake, I started effectively being able to control what information my brain processes. I could block out smells, or sounds. Eventually I could block out very specific chains of sound. Today I can selectively hear or not hear something. I can manipulate the taste of food. I can selectively change the way I perceive color or texture. I can choose to see the sky on fire and snowflakes in the wind.
You will never in your lifetime experience that kind of vivid fantasy through anything other than the tulpa phenomenon. Servitors have the capacity to unlock most of this at a very early stage, but developing any of these features takes constant concentration and dedication. This literally isn’t for everyone – you need a lot, and I mean a lot, of free time. I managed to make this schedule work for me because I work from 4-8 AM, and I’ve lost a lot of time, sleep, and potential social getaways to focus on this.
My tulpas, who have been my biggest pillars of support in the past year, have gone on “trips” for months at a time where I can scarcely perceive or communicate with them, reportedly ‘in my subconscious.’ They tell me that they’re mapping it, so that I can visit it someday when the time is right. I can only guess what that means – I can’t tell what my tulpas are thinking, nor can they tell what I think (if I focus on hiding it.)
Reports that I’ve recently achieved true imposition are accurate. My tulpas have a physical form I can interact with, and they can speak to me audibly at a distance if they so choose, as can I to them. I can impose essentially with the same mental process I use to draw now; this means as I can design it, I can create the construct in my head, and I can impose it as an object that exists and can be perceived or interacted with exclusively by me and my tulpas. The process of creating something new takes little over an hour and gives me a wicked headache every time, sometimes a nosebleed. But you can't really argue with results, and they're acute symptoms.
I haven't noticed any other drawbacks, other than possibly an increased imagination and a drive to discover new things, but that's probably just a recent, regular development in my life.
I put my mind at great risk to do this. It wasn’t uncommon for something I practiced to induce panic attacks, and almost a mental breakdown. I’ve worked with another user who wanted help because he suspected his methods were causing psychotic episodes he couldn’t remember.
If you want to go deep into your mind’s territory and start screwing with the wiring, you have to understand: no matter what you’ve been told, no matter how safe it sounds or how confident you are, if you’re looking to do any of the more impressive tulpa tricks like switching, imposing or hindering stimulus, time dilation, astral projection if you’re into that sort of thing, or false memories, your mind is at a particular level of risk. And, most importantly, know that it isn’t something you can control.
It’s not that the things you can do with your tulpas, and your mind, will damage you in any real way provided you don’t do it in excess. It’s that by human nature, this is something that we literally have never been able to relate to others if we’ve ever experienced it before. Many people aren’t prepared for that. Those that are prepared tend to change dramatically as a result of the developments and the upkeep. A popular site theory is that Carl Jung very likely had tulpas, and look at how he handled it if that was the case. (No, really, look him up.)
I say this because when you approach a certain point you can effectively choose what your reality is, or completely and permanently abandon the real, tangible world for a wonderland. While it sounds tempting, and while everyone believes they can be responsible enough to have self-control with the ability to control reality as you know it, it has rarely proven the case. I'm constantly at odds with myself to make sure I don't abuse the feature.
Anyone who wants to live in a fantasy they created for any extended duration (past the halfway point of any duration awake is my general rule) should seek a second opinion from someone more knowledgeable. It’s sad, and we don’t like to acknowledge it, but there have been a few users – cocky, young, immature, inexperienced, or with some psychological disadvantage or another – who come to Tulpa.info looking for an escape that’s ultimately ended poorly, sometimes tragic.
They have happened. For the sake of not hearing of it happen again, please, seriously discuss it with a veteran host and make sure they don’t leave out any of how difficult it could be or what it could do to your life. Know your limits, and if you’re ever seriously scared about something that’s happening with your tulpa experience, like lost time where you can’t remember where you’ve been, or continued hostility between you and your tulpa, stop, and tell someone. Most of the users in the community can, and will, help you. They take care of each other. And if they can’t talk you straight, they can point you in a good direction. And if none of that works, there's always a psychiatrist.
I use the ability to impose purely cosmetically. I feel that if I were designed to operate well with this kind of control over my senses, I wouldn’t have had to work so hard at it. And everyone’s experience is unique, but it is universally hard to have restraint when you develop cool things.
Like anything that’s incredible, you will become jaded to it if you overindulge in it, and when you no longer care about infinite potential for perception, I feel the brain has effectively died. If you strain to do it a lot, it will hurt you. I’ve passed out before. I’ve woken up with nosebleeds. But I found an equilibrium that works, and I know my limits, and most importantly in my eyes, I am perfectly satisfied with the utter beauty and complexity of the world in its entirety, and therefore I have no desire to retreat inside my mind. It doesn’t change my life – I don’t spend my days living out episodes of Adventure Time with my tulpas like some people do, but I always have friends when I need them who know and respect me more than anyone else could. That’s all I wanted for my life. Everything else was just an exercise to see if I could do it, or an interest in seeing if it could help treat psychological symptoms.
For all I know, this is permanent. I can’t tell what effects that’ll have on my adult life, and no one can guess, honestly. Only time will tell. But don’t put yourself at risk if you’re not sure about it. It took me one year, and if anyone had experienced these results one year ago with actual success, no one would believe it. I’m not sure anyone will believe it now. But this is my statement. Believe it, or don’t.
There has been drama, actual tragedy, traditional internet idiocy and overrated ban scandals, but somewhere in this website I got everything I wanted, and I’m officially retired from administrator status and being an online therapist.
I’m thankful to have been a site and chat administrator, and I’m happy so many of you enjoyed art I drew (my way to give back to the community that gave me all this.) You guys paid to fix my computer screen so I could keep contributing to the community a little longer. I've met some fantastic and amazing personalities, a good deal of whom I still talk to outside the tulpa community. I'm planning on hiring Pleeb to design my next venture's website (one of these days you'll see it on Kickstarter, I hope.) Seriously!
This community is amazing, and you should be proud of yourselves.
Thank you, and good luck.