Having a growing uncontrolled dissociation problem
#1
I know this is a bit of an odd question for this community, but bear with me. I think this is an issue some here may have faced or have an idea about. Definitely not as many people as a fraction as say in a multiple community, but some (probably the expert tulpamancers and the tulpas who have been around a long time). And yes, I am asking the same question in all the multiple communities I am in.

For the last 1.5 months, I have been having a growing amount of dissociation through the course of the day that I did not cause. Mostly it has been sensory and bodily dissociation. It mostly happens when I am tired, say in the evening. During the day, though, my standard level of dissociation (sensory) is lower than it has been during most of my life up to this point (I didn't even know what it was and that it wasn't normal till finding the tulpa community actually). I have completely dissociated out of the body (gotten completely in wonderland) 3 times for between 15 seconds and 3 minutes each time. Body was basically an empty husk during these times (no one else inside took control). While I have been worried about the progression of things, it wasn't till last night that it got truly alarming. While I was able to keep the bodily dissociation from advancing past two fingers and the tips of my toes, I was getting all around depersonalization and derealization. Also, the experience hurt in some way that I cannot describe since it wasn't like any bodily pain. Needless to say, I am a bit confused and very worried. Here is some info and history that might be relevant

  1. I was multiple before tulpas with one system-mate. We are not a trauma based multiple system. We are generally combined most of the time, but have been separate since April with me in control. Limited communication. She can possess my hand partially by force, but generally doesn't do it often (I've allowed her to do this) due to not being very strong anymore.
  2. I have 5 tulpas, 4 natural, none of them capable of doing more than twitching the hands. Haven't worked on possession since this started.
  3. Other than one possible time (the few things that seemed to have been changed could have been a coincidence), I have never switched. My old system-mate has forcibly full body possessed me, but not for 4 years (we recombined after that).
  4. The tulpas are definitely not dissociating me. They aren't sure what is happening either.
  5. My old system-mate doesn't seem to be dissociating me. She has sometimes done that, but doesn't do it at bad times like when I am driving, biking, or there is company around. Also, when she does that, I can feel her proximity. With the dissociation difficulties I have been having, it is during all activities and she is not close.
  6. When I absorbed my last strong and advanced servitor (emotion dampener), I got a reprieve for about two weeks.
  7. I am pretty good at doing controlled bodily dissociation (learned it here from the guide [Possession] Possession via Disassociation). More limited with sensory dissociation.

My best guess for what is happening is that I and my grip on the body are weakening (besides just getting my emotions back, this was kind of why I absorbed my servitor - to get some strength). Not sure why this would happen. Also, not sure what to do about it. It is especially worrisome since no one else in this brain is capable of switching, which means that if I get too weak to maintain control we will be in real trouble.

Any ideas?

- Hail
Tri = {V, O, G}, Ice and Frostbite and Breach (all formerly Hail), and others
System Name: Fall Family
Former Username: hail_fall
Contributor and administrator on a supplementary tulpamancy resource and associated forum, Tulpa.io and Tulpa.io/discuss/.
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#2
Sorry for the necro, but this bears addressing.

I have lived with social anxiety disorder for most of my life. Dissociation is how I survive social situations in most cases. While not a full on case of multiple, some of the concepts paralell what you deal with. I doubt you dissociation has much to do with your tulpae.

If your brain is already habituated to using dissociation of some form, it's going to use it if it feels it necessary. Two things to consider:

Why is this happening? It could be internal, rising from emotional or intellectual change or conflict, or externally caused by some stressor or trigger that's causing your brain to default back to this as either a coping mechanism of some kind. Take a loooong look at yourself and what's going on around you for any clues. You're already hard-wired for dissociation. Knowing why it started usually helps in understanding what's causing it now.

Why has the manifestation changed? It could be you're moving away from "needing" to dissociate, and this is just some weird form of "extinction burst." It could be that the previous way of manifesting has lost it's efficacy, and you brain is "seeking" new variations of dissociation to restore effectiveness. Lots of reasons for the change are possible, really. Only you know yourself well enough to puzzle it out fully.

If you can't find anything on your own, or are having trouble puzzling things out, your tulps may be really helpful depending on how much access to your mind you've given them. It might not be a bad idea to get ALL your tulps & mates together at the same time and grant them temporary "full access" for a big group session to get to the bottom of this.

Hope this helped you in some way. Not being you, I can only go off what I know of similar concepts and cases. I sincerely wish I could give you more. May you and you family of familiars find peace and happiness.

Castl3

Sorry for the necro, but this bears addressing.

I have lived with social anxiety disorder for most of my life. Dissociation is how I survive social situations in most cases. While not a full on case of multiple, some of the concepts paralell what you deal with. I doubt you dissociation has much to do with your tulpae.

If your brain is already habituated to using dissociation of some form, it's going to use it if it feels it necessary. Two things to consider:

Why is this happening? It could be internal, rising from emotional or intellectual change or conflict, or externally caused by some stressor or trigger that's causing your brain to default back to this as either a coping mechanism of some kind. Take a loooong look at yourself and what's going on around you for any clues. You're already hard-wired for dissociation. Knowing why it started usually helps in understanding what's causing it now.

Why has the manifestation changed? It could be you're moving away from "needing" to dissociate, and this is just some weird form of "extinction burst." It could be that the previous way of manifesting has lost it's efficacy, and you brain is "seeking" new variations of dissociation to restore effectiveness. Lots of reasons for the change are possible, really. Only you know yourself well enough to puzzle it out fully.

If you can't find anything on your own, or are having trouble puzzling things out, your tulps may be really helpful depending on how much access to your mind you've given them. It might not be a bad idea to get ALL your tulps & mates together at the same time and grant them temporary "full access" for a big group session to get to the bottom of this.

Hope this helped you in some way. Not being you, I can only go off what I know of similar concepts and cases. I sincerely wish I could give you more. May you and you family of familiars find peace and happiness.

Castl3
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#3
(09-25-2014, 05:52 AM)Castl3 Wrote: Sorry for the necro, but this bears addressing.

No apologies necessary. Actually, thank you very much. After all, as far as anyone here could tell, the problem could be much worse already. Turns out that it has stopped getting worse and has instead gotten better in some ways, but since I never made a followup post, there was no way of knowing that. Also, good timing. I had thought that maybe I was in the clear till just yesterday I noticed the problem coming back again. So, this might just be a much longer fight than I thought. I guess I should list right here what I have done and what has changed.

I got a bit more purpose in life, better see my place and role in the system, and followed a good suggestion from someone of articulating to myself who and what I am. That seemed to help a bit. I think that I had lost some of my purpose in life and thus was having a hard time hanging on. Also, getting more sleep helped. A lot of progress has been made in the backup plan. T has made leaps and bounds on possession ability. They aren't quite there yet to be able to switch or take full control if I fall out, but they are getting there.

More recently, I think I deduced the origins of myself and my one headmate from way back. I am pretty sure she was the original and that I was originally a public mask constructed to hide stigmatized traits and behaviors and gradually became more encompassing in life and gradually developed into a full person. All of that happened in the span of ages from 5 to 14. She was still there, but sort of inside directing me and later just influencing me to some degree.

(09-25-2014, 05:52 AM)Castl3 Wrote: I have lived with social anxiety disorder for most of my life. Dissociation is how I survive social situations in most cases. While not a full on case of multiple, some of the concepts paralell what you deal with. I doubt you dissociation has much to do with your tulpae.

Makes a lot of sense, actually.

(09-25-2014, 05:52 AM)Castl3 Wrote: If your brain is already habituated to using dissociation of some form, it's going to use it if it feels it necessary. Two things to consider:

Why is this happening? It could be internal, rising from emotional or intellectual change or conflict, or externally caused by some stressor or trigger that's causing your brain to default back to this as either a coping mechanism of some kind. Take a loooong look at yourself and what's going on around you for any clues. You're already hard-wired for dissociation. Knowing why it started usually helps in understanding what's causing it now.

Best guesses I have for why were losing my sense of purpose, feeling I wasn't going to make my goals in life, losing track of who I am separate from the others, etc. on the internal side. On the external side, well, things have been difficult for a very long time and has caused me much weariness. Being a grad student near completion is hard. Doing a ton of worrying about finishing up my research, writing papers, writing my thesis, and finding a job. Being transgender and still getting used to life as female and dealing with the name and pronoun slip ups of others and misgenderings and the fear of ostracism and being attacked. I also do have anxiety and paranoia issues that I barely keep under some level of control.

(09-25-2014, 05:52 AM)Castl3 Wrote: Why has the manifestation changed? It could be you're moving away from "needing" to dissociate, and this is just some weird form of "extinction burst." It could be that the previous way of manifesting has lost it's efficacy, and you brain is "seeking" new variations of dissociation to restore effectiveness. Lots of reasons for the change are possible, really. Only you know yourself well enough to puzzle it out fully.

Hmm, I am going to have to think on this one. Could very well be.

(09-25-2014, 05:52 AM)Castl3 Wrote: If you can't find anything on your own, or are having trouble puzzling things out, your tulps may be really helpful depending on how much access to your mind you've given them. It might not be a bad idea to get ALL your tulps & mates together at the same time and grant them temporary "full access" for a big group session to get to the bottom of this.

The tulpas all have total memory access. They can read my thoughts as well, but abstain from doing so. They have been there for me, but don't really have any ideas beyond what I listed (and they helped with some of them). As for my one headmate from years back, she is outside of communication so she hasn't been able to help at all.

(09-25-2014, 05:52 AM)Castl3 Wrote: Hope this helped you in some way. Not being you, I can only go off what I know of similar concepts and cases. I sincerely wish I could give you more. May you and you family of familiars find peace and happiness.

Actually, you gave a lot of ideas. Thank you very much.

- Hail
Tri = {V, O, G}, Ice and Frostbite and Breach (all formerly Hail), and others
System Name: Fall Family
Former Username: hail_fall
Contributor and administrator on a supplementary tulpamancy resource and associated forum, Tulpa.io and Tulpa.io/discuss/.
Reply


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