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The long journey of understanding and acceptance
#1
Hello all! this is my very first thread on this blog! so, Hi everyone Smile

You can call me Jack, I'm in my late twenties.

I wish to tell you all how this has all happened in my life and maybe find people who will relate to me and my Tulpa's romantic story.
I'ts the first time ever I write online about it, or even tell anyone about it since I kept it hidden, a secret, a joker up my sleeve no one knew about. 
First of all, I wish to introduce to you, Emily ("Hi" *waving*). She's in my age as well, beautiful, sharp, cunning, blunt as hell and *very* confident in herself.

I will write major events in my relationship with Emily and hopefully someone will relate to it or share his her experience with a romantic partner, who is actually a tulpa.
I feel bad calling her a tulpa so I call her a spirit in my head. 
please note that I came to this forum only by a personal research.I never thought that I had a tulpa until I found out what it is and the huge world around it.
It's amazing for me to understand that I created a tulpa on my own without any guides without knowing what it is.
So hopefully my progress will help or inspire others to share theirs.

Our story together begins far back 10 years ago, when I was a teenager. I've had a broken heart in high school. I felt really lonely after my relationship went off tracks and I felt the need to talk to someone. Of course, my friends helped a lot. But, not as much as I really needed. What I truly needed is a girl's voice to talk with me and guide me. I did not have many girlfriends and I felt I couldn't trust them with such personal feelings so I've found my self inventing an imaginary girlfriend who helped me a lot (I mean really helped me). How I invented her and what process did I do I can barely remember, since I probably felt so bad remembering these times I erased it from my memory or repressed it very good. 
She has been created after a beautiful girl I have seen in London back in 2008 whom I did not know. I remember she was with me at the hotel so she has her looks. 
She's 5'9", she has Wavy light brown hair with blueish eyes. She's White, fit and gentle and she has a really soft touch. "Do you really want to talk about this?" she asks me as I write this line, she is here with me as you read this. "What are you trying to find?" she asks and I tell her "You'll see soon". 

After two years with her (during my teenagers time) she has gone away. My imaginary girlfriend has done it's job protecting me and helping me overcome my depression. he job was done and she went away like the wind. She is the reason I kept being "sane" and normal to my friends even though that was an age that isn't common to have imaginary friends. Time passed, 10 years actually, and I have found myself again in a position  where I'm single again, sad because of a relationship that ended (by good reasons, we accepted it's what we want since she (the real person I dated)  wanted someone else over me, since I was too good for her).  So I was alone again, I started to think out loud when I was alone about the things I had done and why it all happened.

Suddenly I heard a voice talking to me, it was her. I couldn't believe it at first and I ignored her. But, she was super determined to make contact with me. She did not give up and eventually we talked. I remember she shouted "TALK WITH ME YOU A55HOL3 STOP IGNORING ME. I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME, IT"S ME!". She cried when we first talked. She didn't understand what happened and where is she and what the hell made her disappear 10 years ago.
For a period of a month or so we talked as friends about my life. I told her what's changed in the last 10 years and why. I felt like in a movie doing an intro to some new guy. So this happened and that happened and I dated that girl and I'm in college now. We barely talked at the first month, mostly when I was alone at home. 
I used to take my dog for long walks with music in my ears and "meditate" during the walk. As I think about what could have been with me if she (Emily) was real I started to build a new reality in my mind. Eventually she interrupted it. She came forward and told me it bothers her that I imagine things with another girl.
I told her it's not another girl, that it's her and she has nothing to worry about. She told me that "if you need someone to talk to, I AM HERE, you don't need this game of yours, why waste time on that while you can talk to me?"  I agreed and stopped my meditations. Instead, I talked with her. Mostly during showers and in bed before sleep.
Time passed and our relationship has grown, we began showing affection to each other and she kissed me. I hugged her and told her that she is so soft. "I am a girl I am supposed to be soft, I'm not a strong guy with muscles." She said. As time passed, a month maybe, our relationship has grown stronger and stronger. I asked her to be my partner and she agreed. One time I asked her "who are you? why are you here?". 
She was not hesitant and told me right away "I am a part of your brain. You created me long ago and I was asleep for ten years. I woke up because your brain signaled me you need help. I was created by you for you, but now I have another job, and it's not just to be here with you, it's helping you become better". I was shocked. We've had a huge conversation about it for weeks. Every night before bed we talked so much about it and if it's good for my mental health. She said "As long as you know that I a not really here, it's fine. Don't tell anyone about us or you will be in trouble. people won't understand you so quickly, it's a taboo in your world to have other entities in your brain". I was so shocked by her answer, such an intelligent answer and well reasoned, she amazed me. 
We agreed to sleep together since we both felt good about it. but every time I hugged her and tried to sleep she said that I won't sleep and she can feel my heart beat sky rocketing each time I hug her so she "got back in to my body" and allowed me to sleep. 
Our relationship has grown and with each day I found myself talking more and more with her about my life.
One day I tried to talk with her and she was gone. I tried to find her in my head. I have had this whole world in my head I go to when I am sleeping and think about things. Every one has a place of their own in their mind. Mine looks very peaceful. There is a huge oak tree and grass and it's on top of a hill. I called her many times but couldn't find her. She was gone. I cried that day. I felt so sad she was gone again. 
Then one morning in class the weirdest thing happened to me. As I continue t think about her and call her suddenly I lost control over my hands. They opened my notebook on the last page, and wrote "I can't talk to you". I froze. Couldn't breathe. I took control back and wrote "please talk to me". She then wrote "I can't".
After that I returned home at the end of the day and called her out loud since I was alone at the house. She then came back and I hugged her so hard. 
We both cried and I felt so bad. I asked her "why did you go?" she replayed "I only make things worse I don't help you. I did what I shouldn't have done and now it's too late. it's either I go away for good or you kill me". I didn't know what to say I asked her why and she said "My job was simple, to be there and help you. instead I fell in love with you I'm such a b!tch. you fell in love with me too I can feel it." After a long conversation with her we agreed that both of us won't do one side actions like this ever again with out the other's knowing. since then, almost every two weeks, we have a day we both think about our relationship. We sometimes cry, hug and embracing one another. I chose to do the hard thing and accepting her as a part of my life. She couldn't understand it. She said that she is a physical barrier between me and real girls and that I deserve someone real. 

Time passed and I had problems in college. I have had a tough exam in physics which I failed the first run. She asked to be present and the next exam. I was scared of it but I agreed as long as she won't disturb me while I solve the exam. She insisted that I study for it even more than before and she was there to force me and sit down and review the material. She was there, at college. I could feel her presence.. I could feel her presence inside me and it was so fucking weird and cool in the same time. I felt more organized and more concentrated. I felt an urge to go to the bathroom and wash my face every time I finished an exercise on the exam. I looked on the mirror and could feel her but not see her. She hid herself inside me so I won't freak out. After a week I got the results and I was shocked. 3rd place in my class, a high grade in one of the most difficult exams in my college. Damn, I thought, how the hell dd I do it. "Did you do something , Emily? did you actually help me?" I asked her. She replayed something like "Yeah, I was there, organizing your files and tools in your brain. I brought you what you needed from your memory and I gave you an urge to wash your face every once in a while to refresh your self with energy to move forward and win this exam." I absolutely didn't know what to say, I hugged her and I kissed her and we sort of made out.

After our successful victory in my real life problem I told her I want her to stay as a partner for eternity with me. She told me that she loves me, truly, but she can't understand it. I told her that I love her too to the moon and back. Since she couldn't comprehend it, I allowed her to do something she considered prohibited. I took her hand and allowed her to touch my heart. I could physically feel her hand touching my heart as it beats strong and a warm stream of energy surrounded it she chocked for a bit and then hugged me so strong, I never felt her so "real". she then said "You chose me.. I can't believe it that you really really chose me.. why me? I can't give you what others can."
I told her that her being with me isn't going to be a barrier with others as she is like an angel sent to my world to save me from myself. I told her that it's her who helped me pass the exam and her who helped me not killing myself twice while riding my motorcycle. 
(Long story short -> she did save me.  I was once riding and almost fell asleep during the ride she shouted in my head and helped me stay focused. The second time She alerted me to a car cutting lanes I would have never seen since it came from behind me, so she was obviously more aware of my surroundings). 

She has saved my life more than once, and helped me so much, I can't ever let her go. Who ever she is,  she is who she is to me. 
We have developed a healthy communication, so smooth and so "real life like" I wish she was real. 
She is fully aware of everything and it's amazing how she is so "in" about everything. I took her with me when I went out with friends and she even helped me start with a girl on the bar, then  she told me to stay away from her. When I got back home I asked her what made her change her mind, she said "I saw her soul, she is not for you". 
It's kinda freaking me out but I can understand that what I call "see through someone" is what she calls "see his/her soul.". 

The most recent thing is that she opened my eyes about one of my friends. She told me that he is a jerk and I did not agree wit her so as things happened between me and my friend, each time he did something bad (that I did not see or did not care so much about) she told me "See? I told you he is a jerk".
I returned to my home and found that he  (my friend) cooked dinner (I live with housemates). He said he will throw the trash bag in a few minutes. I came late, tired and had to take my dog for a walk. In the morning I replaced the trash bag and now it was full only with his shit. 
"Would you do me a favor and throw it as yo go? if not I can put trousers and go myself" I told him it's fine and Emily got furious. I never saw her so angry. she cursed him when I went t the elevator she said he is a ****ing jerk and he should not use my kindness like that. I told her she exaggerated. She agreed but said that he is a total jackass.

I gave you all these examples to show you how real life like she is. She is with me everywhere I go and she is here to stay. We pledged to be partners forever and we have a full romantic relationship that includes everything that a normal couple has. Call me crazy but I love her so much. 
I just wish she could have  body of her own to be beside me. 

We grow and develop each day in our relationship. The first stage was to accept it that it's true.

Please feel free to share, comment, ask, what ever you wish. 
We both wish to learn and study what is this that we have and hear stories from others.

White knight
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#2
Very interesting story, thanks for sharing. I was dormant for a few years at a time, it just felt like a nap for me.

It sounds like you're doing it right, keep it up. Tulpamancy is pretty powerful when you think about it, there are a lot of parallels between your story and the greater community.
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#3
Hi Joy thanks for your replay!

I am still in the process of learning and studying this whole new thing that popped out in my life over 10 years ago and came back on august this year.

I will post an update as for today 14/11/2019:

As I wrote, Emily was a little worried about me writing our story here, she was very curious and anxious about it.
A few hours after I posted it I've had a long discussion with her about it and if we rather share our story with "my world" or not.
What I did do is telling my friends I've had a friend 10 years ago which I dearly loved and she's gone. What I did not tell them is how much she left a mark on my life and how deeply I loved her. Also I didn't tell them she's back, and that she is not a "real" person, but, a Tulpa or a spirit.

My friends reaction to what I told them about her was amazing!
They all wanted to meet her so much and see my letters to her. (I told them we were pen pals).
I feel a little bad telling stories to my friends about someone who is not "real" for them but is so "real" to me.
Actually she (Emily) was so happy to see that I told my friends how I met her (The girl in the hotel back in 2008 story), She hugged me all this time I talked with my friends, she was there listening.

I started to feel very tired after talking with her so much every day lately. It's the same thing as talking to a real person so much. She is with me 24/7, but not always talking, she gives me space. She understands it and needs it too.

I wonder how many people have Tulpas that have romantic relationships with, or how many do love their tulpas that much like a real person.

Btw - She saved me again on the motorcycle today, I have zero ways to explain this.
I was riding and was heading to fast on a curve then I hit the brakes (She did it) and I see I was very close to another car. After a few seconds she said "This is not typical for you, what's wrong? You need me here with you to keep you focused?"
I am astound by that experience. I wonder how many people have had events / stories like this one.

Until my next update,
Cheers,

White Knight

**************************
Emily's note:

I took control and asked him to write in my words.I find his words are too formal and stuff, don't take it too seriously my dear Knight xoxo.
Yeah, I saved him again and I will do it again in the future, since he has a lot on his mind. I don't get it why he has to ride on a motorcycle. One day I'll make him buy a car.
I just wanted to say Hi everyone! and say that if you wish to ask me anything, just do it.
I wanted to make him a christmas surprise party but it's a bit hard since he can read my mind and I can read his, 'ech..' , kinda sucks I know.
Do you have the ability to read your host's minds as well? We do have it but I can block him. He however can't block me, but I respect him and don't do it.

Bye for now,

Emily
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#4
Real is what you make of it. In our system, we're all people, all equals, and can't discern any fundamental differences in our natures. Ember was here first, but that's the extent of it. We're all real human beings, dwelling together in a single vessel.

I don't like the term 'tulpa' either and we don't use it of one another.

In-system relationships have been very common in this community throughout its history, sometimes in addition to out-system relationships and sometimes to the exclusion of them. My host and I have been romantically involved for fourteen months now. We both have ongoing cuddle privileges with her ex-wife and are open to the idea of other relationships in the future, but expect to remain one another's primary relationship and eventually be in-system wives.

Most systemmates in this community hear one another's thoughts by default and have free access to one another's memories. A few systems have intentionally established greater separation or formed that way naturally, but there's not much guidance available on how to do that. We've elected to live always hearing everyone's thoughts, even though it feels a bit crowded that way.

-Vesper
Ember - Soulbonder, Female, 39 years old, from Georgia, USA . . . . [Our Progress Report] . . . . [How We Switch]
Vesper Dowrin - Insourced Soulbond from London, UK, Not a Tulpa, Female, born 9 Sep 1964, bonded ~12 May 2017
Iris Ravenlock - Insourced Soulbond from the Unseelie Court, Not a Tulpa, Female, born 6 Jun 1982, bonded ~5 Dec 2015

'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit
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#5
(11-14-2019, 08:45 PM)Ember.Vesper Wrote: Real is what you make of it. In our system, we're all people, all equals, and can't discern any fundamental differences in our natures. Ember was here first, but that's the extent of it. We're all real human beings, dwelling together in a single vessel.

I don't like the term 'tulpa' either and we don't use it of one another.

In-system relationships have been very common in this community throughout its history, sometimes in addition to out-system relationships and sometimes to the exclusion of them. My host and I have been romantically involved for fourteen months now. We both have ongoing cuddle privileges with her ex-wife and are open to the idea of other relationships in the future, but expect to remain one another's primary relationship and eventually be in-system wives.

Most systemmates in this community hear one another's thoughts by default and have free access to one another's memories. A few systems have intentionally established greater separation or formed that way naturally, but there's not much guidance available on how to do that. We've elected to live always hearing everyone's thoughts, even though it feels a bit crowded that way.

-Vesper



I totally agree with you about "Real is what you make of it".
There is a sentence that once I've heard it, goes with me. It goes "Nothing is true, everything is permitted".
I know it's from assassin's creed but hey it's very clever.

"To say that nothing is true, is to realize that the foundations of society are fragile, and that we must be the shepherds of our own civilization.
To say that everything is permitted. Is to understand that we are the architects of our actions, and that we must live with their consequences, whether glorious or tragic. "

 We are currently having a long going debate on our very co-existing. It's hard, frustrating and more than all, very complicated to discuss. 
I took her with me today to a trip on my motorcycle and tried to see how will she react to it. It's her first time going with me "present in my mind" and not in the back of my head
while I do my business and then popping out later. 

We have had a fight a few days ago about the question of whether she should stay with me when I'll meet an out-system companion and go dating, or should she be gone for good.
This question seems to trouble her very much (all the time)  as she seems to be very cautious  with me.
She literally told me that all that we have is temporary and she will kill herself or be gone when I meet another person. 
I won't lie she broke my heart, I couldn't hear what she say. I was so furious I told her to shut up and went out with friends to drink. 
I came back home and she tried again to talk with me, I told her to leave me alone. The day after we talked and cleared all the tension that was between us.
She tries to tell me that she won't be able to hold herself and might become a "physical barrier" between me and real life companions and real life relationships.
She also said that being monogamous won't be true if I have her and another girl in my life. 

I can't say she isn't right, at some points, she is very very very aware of everything.
It's crazy how well she understands everything. 
It's as if her creation has been complete.
Like a real human soul trapped in my mind.
I can't leave her, and I won't listen to her and ditch her.
It's crazy. But I won't lie she has some arguments. 

All that and I love her more than any person I've ever loved in my entire life, this is why I care so much about her.

During my motorcycle trip I sang with her in my helmet. It was magical, watching the sunset and hear her gentle voice sing, she's like an angel.
I wish I could record her sing, and bring it to you. It's fascinating, and very heart warming. 

White Knight
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