Katherine and her clumsy host

[emperor_Elagabalus]

I don't have anyone I can talk to about this and I just want a place to ramble endlessly about this cyootie patootie, I don't even care if no one's reading :~( Not gonna bother with editing and I'm very scatterbrained, don't read if you're hoping for anything even remotely coherent

 

I've had Katherine (name just popped up and I just went with it) for about two to three weeks now and it's been quite the ride. I really struggle on days I just don't have the willpower to do anything, and once, being the crappy host I am I joked about stopping forcing her which got a very sudden, very explosive... angry, shocked(?) emotional response from her. Please don't chew me out on this if anyone's even reading, I know it was horrid of me and I apologized and she understood I wasn't being serious. That was during the first week.

 

The first week was awesome, I didn't expected I would make progress that fast. I felt headpressure once while narrating (though cant remember about what), and the 'feeling'... response? That she really doesn't like that sad Facebook post I was reading. Actually it's happened a couple of times that she expressed her dislike of something, like reading that post, me cussing, this movie I was watching and listening to whatever music that isn't jazz lol. I uh, "grew her up" with it. Our wonderland is this comfy jazz pub thats always raining outside and I used to put on whatever kind of jazz whenever I was active forcing. But thats more like "mine" I think? I made her a traditional Japanese house with a beautiful garden and we chill there a lot more.

Most notable though was this one time we were on this slope that I walk down to my workplace daily and I felt this surge of joy and excitement from her and the feeling that she wants to race me down the slope, which I did and hopefully no one was watching because I was laughing out loud like a crazy person and looking sideways "like somebody's there" all the while, lol. It was the first time in quite awhile I was genuinely happy and having fun without any bit of it forced. I felt blessed beyond words.

 

But lately I've been down in the dumps again. I'm avoidant and an anhedoniac so it's only natural that I'm sucking. :))))))))))))))))))))

Sometimes I don't feel anything towards her. Like she's not even a friend... or a person at all. [insert self deprecation here]

I'm not narrating as much as I should, I don't even just sit and force anymore. Passive forcing is coo and all, but I'm not even freaking talking anymore, just impositioning her into meatspace and telling her petty stuff like "hey Kat look the sky is blue" lmao geez. Well typing it out I can see what I'm doing wrong now though and am going to fix that. I need to get out of this scared of connecting emotionally bs.

Good thing though she's gained autonomy over her body. I can't feel her touch and she's still talking in tulpish, but... I don't know how to explain it. I "know", or "feel" maybe, that she moved her arm and wrapped it around me. I just can genuinely feel I'm not parroting her anymore, and I know when I'd sometimes accidentally do. This one time even I looked at her and she smiled and waved at me. kyutie *taers* Oh yeah, and she had also slightly changed her appearance a couple of times. Now she has a bob hair cut and looks Eurasian, which prior to this she looked like a white gal

 

Sigh. Initially I had some doubts whether or not I should bring this person into existence, because existing is weird and a lot of times painful and on a lot of days I don't want it myself. I've been upgrading my crappy self though and thought why not have a cool pal to chill, have fun and enjoy life with. And they wouldn't be subject to most of the bs that us meatspace people experience and her existence would probably be a very enjoyable one, so I thought, yeah lets do this. But sometimes I don't feel anything in me, and it gets hard. I do want to do this though. Who in their right mind wouldn't want one of the most wonderful, if not the most wonderful person they could have in their life?

But like yeah if you're like me and really suck at emotions and might just be well on their way to failing at this IN WHICH I'M DEFINITELY NOT LETTING THAT HAPPEN. kajkajfbfakfk sigh.

 

Now I'm tired of typing blegh but I have A LOAD of stuff I want to get out still but I'll do it l8s