Ace Palu: Skies Unknown

[tynitatticus]

Okay, so It's been a week since my first entry, and I feel like progress has been made, but my frustrations have only increased.

 

The worst part is that I know it's all my problem, not Palu's. As I've heard some other people say, it's not that she's mute, it's that I'm deaf. I know I'm being impatient and childish, and it sucks. My judgement is being clouded by my doubt. Throughout the week, I feel like I've heard her, but I just feel like I'm parroting the responses. They only seem to appear when I prompt her, and I haven't gotten anything that I feel I couldn't think myself. It seems that I hear her voice as more of a conscience, rather than a separate thought process.

 

It makes it all the more strange when I feel like the active sessions are very successful in the moment. I can see her form clearly, and I'm almost positive that her movements are not being consciously controlled by me. We decided to create a wonderland, finally. It's a jet hanger, because I thought it would be simple, and the first two adventures were us taking jets out and flying around. Then, we were both in one jet, and we talked for a while while we coasted. At that point, the conversation did feel real, but I can't help but feel it was much too complicated for it to be real. I just can't shake that doubt, and that's the same for when I hear her prompted conscience voice, it's too complex.

 

And I hate that I think that, because If it is her, I'm so unimaginably sorry.

 

I'm not going to give up though. I made a commitment, and It would be irresponsible to stop now. I feel like I would be killing someone, and I would regret it for the rest of my life. I also don't want to seem like such a huge downer, this last week has also been super fun, and I've enjoyed this a lot. I'm just struggling with my conscious brain, when I know that I need to change my perspective on identity to fit the fact that there are two people in one vessel at this point.

 

I don't know. Not giving up, but this is hard. I knew it would be, and It's not like I didn't expect any of this, but I thought I would be able to fight it better.

 

I hope she's paying attention to me as I type this, because I mean every word of what I'm about to say. I'm not going to give up on you, Palu. I need to figure out how to handle this. I don't know how much help I can get from other people, but I will continue to give you all the love and attention that you deserve. I'm going to continue to do my best, and hopefully something will come to me. I've told you all of this before, but I feel like it needs to be reiterated.

 

Thanks for listening to me ramble. It felt good to get this out.

[Guest]

In the first couple weeks or so, B would doubt and every time we'd get offended by him, sad, hurt, even angry, because he'd momentarily forget all the signs and reassurances.

 

When doubt happens, banish them like intrusive thoughts. Don't own that doubt. The key to believing Palu is to trust that she's going to say something if you take something she said wrong. After we took that to heart no one was upset or offended anymore when the occasional doubt surfaced, unless he claimed it, then we get out the big guns.

 

B doesn't parrot us anymore, but he still occasionally proxies us even in our mindvoice; that's functionally identical to parroting sometimes, but only if we disagree, and trust me, we do when he gets it wrong.

 

Soon you'll get emotional bleed, if you haven't already, and that's a really positive indication of 'getting it right'.

[tynitatticus]

Thank you for the advice. Palu and I are in a better position right now. I’m trying that proxying method, which is what I’ve been doing, but I had some revelations that alieviated a lot of it. I realized that I couldn’t remember what it felt like to think to myself without considering her presence, and I had been thinking about her nonstop for the last week, essentially. As of right now, I still need to prompt conversations, but she does seem to have a unique voice, I’m just trying to get better at parsing my parrots from her actual thoughts, and I’m trusting the yes/no that I hear when I ask if something was her or not. She could probably answer some simple questions, if she’s up to it.

[Guest]

I bet that's normal to need to ping her at this stage. The way we interrupt with elements of co-fronting probably takes a few weeks of practice once she's fully vocal and on-board.

 

[bear] it's gotten better month over month, we've been living that for almost 11 months.