Mai's Diary/"Progress Report"

[Tinyparrot]

(Robin: First post! Hello y'all! This is only a little nerve wracking lmao, we're new, so please be nice 🙏)

 

It's Mai here. I've been Robin's tulpa for... quite some time, so I suppose this isn't really as much about "creation" as it is about self discovery. I'm still trying to figure out what there is to love in the world. I got randomly excited and fronted when Robin's history teacher was talking about Mussolini's failed invasion of Ethiopia, which might mean something. I've found some bands I like, but I don't think I love music the way Robin does. I like coffee with milk. 

 

I made some picrews of myself, they're on our phone but I might post them later. A while ago I tried fronting for the first time; it was honestly nerve wracking, and I spent the whole time trying to stop doing it. I've gotten better since then.

 

We recently both answered the Proust questionnaire together, which was interesting. A lot of the answers were things even I didn't expect. I've been trying to act more "instinctively" as opposed to doing what Robin expects me to do. 

 

I've tried doing Robin's homework a few times just to see what it's like. I have my own all caps handwriting and everything. 

 

Robin: It's been interesting seeing what times I cannot switch out of the body. There's some music that I love and Mai absolutely does not, and if it's stuck in my head, I have to change it before he can front. There have been times I've confused myself with Mai, a lot of times I wonder if I'm just making all this up. I worry our voices are too similar, among other things. Of course, I realize the whole point of tulpamancy is you're making it up, but I worry I'm not doing it right.

 

Also, usually when Mai is fronting I can still see what's going on, I don't feel like I'm in a dream state or anything, more like we're perceiving everything together. I think this is how Mai feels too most of the time I'm fronting, he's an almost constant voice in my head even when I'm not focusing on him. It's extremely difficult for me to hide my feelings from him, nor do I try to. Likewise, I can feel everything he feels when he's fronting; I'm there, but I feel like my thoughts are much more limited.

 

Mai: A lot of times I'll look at the body and think that no, this is not me, I can't be Mai because this is not my body. For Halloween, I want to buy clothes that make me feel like myself. Robin does have some nice jackets I relate too, though. They tried makeshift binding for a while (for their own dysphoria) but the body appears to hate it.

 

Robin: Bind safely kids! I thought I was being safe but it turns out I wasn't! If you can't remember to take it off then don't wear it in the first place!

 

Mai: Anyway, that's how life is going for me. I want to get a hobby I like. We have way too much work with school right now, though. Robin says they hope I like Hamlet more than they do, which might honestly be the case.  Now that I think of it, I might go work on English homework.

 

Robin: I'm usually way more into books than Mai but I appear not to vibe with this particular one as much as he does.

Anyway, that's life.

 

Adios,

- Mai & Robin

[Guest]

I can actually relate, though I don't have dysphoria, I had a bad accident and they had to bind me across my chest for a week or something and that flipping thing was tight and it h u r t and it dug into my skin and actually cut me too, which is crazy. Anyway, welcome and we look forward to hearing more from you! We like picrews, even though we never found one we liked for ourselves, so I had to learn to draw, long story.

 

[Tinyparrot]

Mai here. I've been fronting for a while now, doing math homework, things like that. One thing I've noticed is that it while it doesn't feel weird to me to front, it feels weird for Robin to front again after I've fronted for a long time. I'm trying to get in touch with them more when I front. I've tried visualizing them and that seems to help a bit, although it is odd to visualize the host. Robin's exited about how they can look however they want, which is in essence just the body with a different haircut. Before, every time I'd try to contact them they'd end up fronting, but now it's a bit easier for me to stay in front. It was weird  both of us at first to find myself having traits that Robin thought of as uniquely theirs. I recently read the His Dark Materials series and absolutely loved it; I think the daemons are pretty good tulpa representation, and the religious allegory is especially entertaining. 

 

It's interesting, I think in essence all my instincts are the same as Robin's, but my priorities are different. It seems like we have different tastes but only nominally; I enjoy almost everything Robin does, and Robin enjoys almost everything I do, but to varying degrees. For instance, we both love Dostoevsky, but their favorite book is The Idiot, while mine is The Brothers Karamazov. It might just be an issue of exposure to different things; it's hard not to like at least one Dostoevsky book when you have memories of reading every book by him. As children, we like what we're exposed to, and it takes a while to develop our own tastes; it seems to be that way with me. Sorry for rambling. Maybe I should start a blog about something, or start creating my own art &c. We do have quite a bit of work with school, but hopefully there'll be time for me over the break to create things. Thanks for reading,

- Mai