Ben Howard's Rambling Progress Reports

[Ben Howard]

Background

 

I learnt about tulpas some time ago, and tulpa.info has been in my bookmarks ever since. For reasons that I cannot now recall I finally decided to take another look, and to attempt to create a tulpa of my own. After some false starts, I began seriously to work on this at the end of March, naming my proposed tulpa "Elena", for no other reason than that I liked the name.

 

I kept notes on my main forcing sessions right from the start, and now that I have joined these forums I thought I might as well post them here.

 

About Elena

 

Although I do not want to impose too much of a personality on Elena, and would rather let her develop this for herself, I have a certain core in mind. She is warm and affectionate, creative (I suspect that she plays the violin), and has an affinity for nature and natural things, practicing her own personalised version of Wicce.

 

About Brytheneig

 

No, Brythenaig (pronounce it Britteneh) is not a person or tulpa. It is instead a place, and is where I have chosen to set my location for Elena -- my wonderland, if you will. It is one small part of an imagined universe of my own, and is on one of the continents of the world of Cieldni. The house itself is called Adherligh (pronounce it Atherley), which simply means 'Riverside'.

 

Adherligh stands on the border of a forest, with a river running close by it (hence the name). It has a kitchen-garden at the rear and down one side, and beyond the back garden a path leads through the woods, gradually climbing a hill until it leaves the trees behind. On the wide, relatively flat summit of the hill is an ancient circle of stones, which Elena sometimes uses for rituals, and which we have visited together in my imagining.

 

Do you want to see the house? I posted a picture below.

 

I have a reasonable idea of the interior. At the left-hand end is the lounge where I most frequently sit and talk with Elena.

 

Enough background! On to the progress reports themselves...

[Ben Howard]

Progress Reports Catch-Up

 

As I started this back at the end of March there are already a number of reports. Rather than post each one separately, especially as they are all relatively short, I will collect them here. For future reports I will possibly add a new post for each session.

 

Side Note: I did not create Adherligh and the surroundings until after several sessions, and originally had a different wonderland which I eventually abandoned because I felt it wasn't really suitable. It's referenced a few times in the early sessions.

 

Session 1: This evening I held a first session, of about a quarter of an hour, which was all I felt I could do without my mind wandering too much. I will continue to address the incipient tulpa whenever I think about it, however.

 

I found it difficult to know how to approach this, so I shall see if I can find any additional information about this aspect.

 

Session 2: About ten minutes this time. From my experience yesterday and today I think that this is the longest that I can manage at the moment without my mind wandering overmuch.

 

Session 3: This time for a full half-hour, during which I tried the notion of imaginary activities, in this case a bus trip to the country, followed by a walk up a forest hill to the top, from where we could look across a broad valley with a lake.

 

Session 4: Again a full half-hour, but less satisfactory than the previous one. I still do not know quite how to conduct these sessions. I have added to Elena's persona, but am loathe to impose too much onto her and would rather let her establish her own personality. I have decided that the current 'wonderland' does not entirely suit her, or at least only partially, and I am thinking about another location, but that will need some time to develop.

 

Session 5: Another full half-hour, still not entirely satisfactory, though. I began taking Elena through a possible new place in Brythenieg, as a potential and more apt wonderland for her. I have also decided not to worry overmuch about imposing a personality. I shall simply imagine her with the personality that I have been thinking of, and leave it to her to deviate from that if she wishes. I also decided in the course of today's session that her fingers suggest that she must play a musical instrument, probably a flute (or perhaps a violin).

 

No, definitely a violin. I think there is a hint of Romany about her, so that would be appropriate.

 

Session 6: A shortened session, that was interrupted. I have an image that I have found (and somewhat manipulated) that looks like my concept of Elena, and I have started using this as something to initially concentrate on.

 

Session 7: A session whose length I have not determined, but in which I imagined the beginnings of a tale featuring myself as Squire Howard, visiting the Lady Elena -- a wise and knowledgeable practitioner of the arcane arts -- in search of assurance concerning a certain undisclosed business venture.

 

Side Note: This idea was abandoned. It struck me (and still strikes me) as somewhat silly.

 

Session 8: Another session of about half an hour, which I spent in the new location of Elena's proposed home. There were moments, I fear, when I was concentrating more on the house than on Elena, but I usually was aware of this and corrected it quickly.

 

At the end of the session I wondered if I should make some kind of ceremony or ritual for summoning her to these sessions. Naturally I can talk to her at any time, but it might be beneficial -- if primarily for myself -- to have something that focuses the mind. I shall give this some thought.

 

Side Note: Nothing came of this, but it still seems like a good idea.

 

Session 9: Not quite half an hour this time, and interrupted for a short while. I did my best to simply concentrate on Elena this time, talking to her, and at the end trying to imagine her first standing in front of me, then sitting in a wing-backed armchair in the lounge of her house in Brytheneig.

 

Session 10: An unsatisfactory session that lastest only ten minutes. I tried to concentrate on Elena, but my mind wandered too much. I think that I must precede these sessions with a time of contemplation and calm. I also think that I left it too late today, and was too tired.

 

Session 11: Almost a half-hour this time, but my concentration was wavering through much of. I spent most of the time going over Elena's personality and talking about what I felt she should be like and what made her happy or contented and so on.

 

Session 12: Almost a half-hour again, though I find it difficult because I am still unclear as to what I should _do_ in these sessions. As always I am reluctant to impose a personality on Elena, but without that it is hard to do any kind of visualisation or imagining, and I have to fall back on just talking to her -- or rather _at_ her. I find this unsatisfactory, and can't help feeling that it is unproductive. At the moment, though, it is all that I know. I will have to see if I can find more useful information somewhere.

 

Session 13: Twenty minutes today, partly because I left it a bit late. I tried simply talking to Elena, which I found less problematic compared to previous sessions, though I now have to new problem that I am not naturally talkative, and even when I _was_ talking I found my mind very easily wandering, which is why I stopped after twenty minutes. I must try to do these sessions earlier.

 

Session 14: Not very satisfactory. I only managed about ten minutes and then was interrupted, and when I tried to get back to it later I simply couldn't focus. However, during the day I managed to talk to Elena while out walking, which is something that I have taken to doing, and which seems to work.

 

Session 15: I decided to make use of linkzelda's hypnosis scripts. I do not believe that I used them quite as effectively as I could have done (at times I stumbled over small errors in the writing, which I will correct), but even so it was a good practice, and a good session. At the end of it I spent time concentrating on Elena, and imagining brief scenarios -- mainly involving walks -- with her, ending by returning to her cottage. I think that tomorrow I shall repeat much the same, but will try to dwell more on each individual part, and focus on the smaller details -- the sights, sounds, smells, and feelings -- of them and of Elena. Today's session lasted half an hour, which was good, but could be extended on.

 

Session 16a: At lunchtime I went out for a walk and performed a walking session, imagining walking with Elena, not where I was but in the lands of our wonderland. In this case this was a walk through the forest behind Adherligh (her home), eventually to a low hill with a stone circle, where we stopped for a while before returning back. I am not sure whether to regard this as passive or active forcing. Perhaps it is something in between. Certainly it is a time when I can concentrate on Elena with a good degree of focus.

 

This lasted for about twenty minutes.

 

Session 16b: Once again I used the hypnosis scripts, and believe they were effective, but also believe that now that I understand them, I should write my own, so that I can shape them to my own personality and needs. I talked with Elena, imagining us in the stone circle again, and in my mind she was in front of me, facing me, floating a few inches above the grass, surrounded by a pearly radiance.

 

This session again lasted for about twenty minutes.
 

[Ben Howard]

2022-04-22: Session 17: I used the hypnosis scripts once again, but today felt unsatisfactory. I spoke to Elena for a while but things just seemed to trail off.

 

After a break I decided to try again. This time I imagined myself starting from the stone circle on the hill, looking all around at the surrounding countryside, then following the path down the hill and through the woods, listening to the trilling of birds, and finally arriving at the back gate of Adherligh. I walked down the garden-path to the back door, and Elena opened it to greet me. We went through to the lounge for a while, then moved to the kitchen where we shared a pot of tea and biscuits before I finally left, going back out through the garden again.

 

Side Note:This seemed much more satisfactory, and this kind of imagined time together feels like a suitable way to proceed. The hypnosis scripts are perhaps useful for preparation, but possibly some kind of meditation would be as good, and maybe better.

[TurboSimmie]

It really sounds like you are off to a good start. 😊 I also have to say I absolutely love the setting! 😁 I would be thrilled to reside in a beautiful house like that! 🥰

[Ben Howard]

2022-04-23:Session 18: I decided to dispense with the scripts for today, and instead I followed what I did yesterday, imagining myself starting from the stone circle and then slowly walking down through the woods to reach Elena's house, using this walk as a form of meditation, to bring my mind to a calm state ready for my session with her. Once again we sat in the front lounge and I talked to her. In particular I shared my concerns about the slowness of my progress, in that after several weeks I still seem to have no awareness of her presence, and that everything is still purely in my imaginings. I am trying to be patient about this -- it will take as long as it takes -- but I would be more encouraged and motivated if there was at least some hint of her.

 

Side Note: Probably no session tomorrow, as it is going to be a busy day. I might manage a short session late on.
 

[Ben Howard]

2022-04-24:Session 19: I followed the same process as yesterday, imagining my walk from the stone circle down to the house and there meeting with Elena. I tried to take this walk a little more slowly, paying attention to details of the surroundings, but I find that my visualising is really not very good.
 

A short session today, as it has been a busy day, leaving me with little time.

Edited April 24, 2022 by Ben Howard

[Ben Howard]

2022-04-25:Session 20: A difficult, confusing, and exasperating session, and I still am not sure quite what to make of it. Elena appeared once again in the stone circle (see session 16b), floating just above the long grass, shining with a pearly radiance, like a spirit or goddess of the moon. It came to mind that I should rename her Eluna, and I am not sure if this came from me or not. I could not remove the image of her -- every time I tried to picture the stone circle she was there in this form, and any attempt to change this, or to walk down to the house seemed to just fail.

 

In the end, and somewhat reluctantly, I decided that either my mind was refusing to let go of this image, or Eluna herself has decided that this is how she wants to appear to me for now, so I have chosen to just accept this, and see if it changes later. If this is indeed so, then I also think that for now she is refusing the wonderland that I have created for her, and wants to simply exist in a void until she can form her own image.

 

As I say, I do not know quite what to make of it, and whether it is a sign of a burgeoning tulpa, or whether my mind is simply tired for the moment. I can only wait and see.
 

[GlitteringGale]

I am super new to this too, but I really enjoyed reading your progress!
If that happens again, perhaps try talking or interacting with her at the stone circle? Maybe she was keen to talk to you, and didn't want to wait for you to walk to the house?

[Ben Howard]

Welcome, then, Gale!

 

And yes, that may be the case. It just threw me so much that I didn't know quite how to react. I'm going to let her guide things her own way, which is what I thought I should do from the start, and it seems I was right.

[Ben Howard]

2022-04-26:Session 21: No active forcing as such today, but I again talked with Eluna while out walking, and have been talking with her generally as much as I can during the course of the day.