The Dark Blanket, The Little Candle- experiences of a novice tulpamancer

[ApolloDog]

As a forward, I only recently began seriously researching tulpas, though I'm not new to the metaphysical community in general. I apologize if anything said in this post is incorrect or offensive to more learned tulpamancers.

So, I believe my tulpas (yes, there are two) are in the stage of realization and have decided to create this post both to share my life experiences with my tulpas, as well as to help cement them further as concepts/beings in reality. 
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My tulpas are Ruth and Mnemassah (These are the names that developed for them in my mind over time). Two halves of my soul animated- yin and yang. The masculine and feminine, the warm and the cold. The optimist, the pessimist. You might think they don't get along, being they're existential opposites but it's more like they work off of each other's strengths and weaknesses. Ruth, who I've come to refer to as my dark blanket, is the side of myself that is utterly logical, calculating, self preserving, perceiving of threats close and far. Her mission in this world is to protect the other side of me- the sensitive Yang.
 

That side is Mnemassah, my little candle who gives light in the darkest places. The one who feels genuine goodness for all things, and believes in and strives toward a better world. Mnemasseh is not naïve, nor completely innocent in nature. He's been taught the truths of the world and how harmful kindness can be to oneself but continues to work towards creating goodness in the world regardless. He knows that good can and does exist so long as he can continue to help others.  Ruth, on the other hand, is my dark blanket (picture hiding under your blanket as a child and how safe you felt).

 

She is logical, deductive and rather quiet most of the time, choosing to keep her judgments to herself unless something is a threat to Mnemassah or myself. Ruth keeps Mnemassah safe- watches where he walks, so he doesn't walk into his own downfall while looking hopefully ever forward. From Mnemassah, Ruth is reminded that her mission of protecting him is worthy- that goodness and wholesomeness exist in this world, and therefor must be protected. She's a bit contradictory- selfish and entirely selfless. Concerned for the matters of Mnemassah and myself (who are technically a part of her) but entirely blind when it comes to matters of her own safety and well being.

 

I refer to them as a blanket and a candle, but this is only what they look like some of the time (usually when I'm very introspective). Other times they take the form of two creatures, both of them akin to some sort of canine (I've always loved and had dogs since I was a kid). One, Mnemassah, is a smaller dog made of fluffy white light with a long smiling muzzle, little black nose and black expressive eyes. The other, Ruth, is a larger wolf-like canine made of ash and shadow with green, unreadable eyes and a jagged smile. I often find both of them in this form walking by my side, watching the world and the people I meet and offering their thoughts on the situations around me. Mnemassah struts with the eagerness of a joyful, shining thing, while Ruth seems to almost drift like black smoke, silky ribbons of ash wafting behind her.

 

Mnemassah came to me first- was born with me when I was a young boy. I've always been a compassionate and empathetic person. Extremely sensitive to others, to the point that when I can't help other people, or when it seems like I've done wrong to them and I can feel their resentment, it causes me massive anxiety. Mnemassah is sort of the avatar my youthful hope- of seeing past all the scruples of life to see the goodness in people, despite all the nastiness and cruelty.  Ruth came later on in my teens and 20s, when I learned how dangerous it is to be foolishly open-hearted and trusting in that goodness.

I began to drift towards anti-social, wary behavior and eventually isolated myself from everyone for my own safety. For many years, I became an extremely depressed hermit who wanted nothing to do with other people and always drifted towards distrusting and staying away from others- I listened only to the words of Ruth in my heart, that hell was other people. But Mnemassah still existed in my heart too- I ignored him, and he withered (In my mind at the time, Ruth was keeping him imprisoned for his own 'safety') but he wanted to be free- to make a more bright and hopeful world. And so did I. But the side of me that was Ruth wouldn't let go- wouldn't let the anxiety and fear go because she was afraid Mnemassah couldn't handle the pain of the real world. This was me dealing with trauma- forgetting how to be a person. Only being the wary victim- the one always waiting and watching for something to hurt you.

This caused many issues in my life, most of which was the anxiety that sometimes literally drove me to become catatonic and lost during the worst of times. However, eventually through enough strife and self-harm, I became fed up and decided I was going to finally do something to fix this break in my spirit. I began self-improving, compartmentalizing, worrying about the things I can control. Not worrying about the world or things I can't. I discovered philosophers and psychologists, most significant of which of course was Carl Jung whose theory of the anima/animus, or the shadow, had seemed almost revelatory to me and my struggles.

I began to adhere to the concept of embracing my shadow, I found peace in accepting that I could be both the bright and hopeful Mnemassah and the watchful and protective Ruth. After discovering Jung's concept on repressing of one's shadow, I started to figure out that by embracing Ruth alongside Mnemassah- both my yin and yang, I could be myself and be happy. Now, with Ruth and Mnemassah by my side I feel like I can be my 100% authentic self and not worry about where the wind blows. Since I've embraced them, I've found a good job, a wonderful partner, a family, friends. I don't have much in the form of material possessions, but I feel infinitely and gratefully wealthy in matters of the spirit. Ultimately, I feel content and more at peace than I ever have, and I doubt I could have found this happiness if I didn't embrace and eventually realize Ruth and Mnemassah as real, powerful actors in my spirit.

 

And... that's me. I'm an amateur tulpamancer, novice metaphysical enthusiast and potential future spiritual counsellor. I may have gone about things in the past the wrong way, but I've learned to live with myself and with both halves of my soul, Ruth and Mnemassah, as one. 

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Thank you for the read. Again, I apologize if any of this is offensively novice. Please feel free to give advice on how to better understand and realize my tulpas- I feel they're a part of me and my life now and deserve the effort.

Edited January 27, 2023 by ApolloDog