Essayons and analogs

[JAG]

Essayons, French for "let us try" is the motto of the u.s corp of army engineers. It stuck with me since I first heard it and i've used that word as a way forward since OSUT (one station unit training). I applied that motto to this field after reading about it in on /x/, it was one of those threads that I pondered on throughout the night. I thought myself, so-what if it sounds  ridiculous or impossible, essayons!

 

In feb of 2022, i made my first bit of progress, after nights if of light forcing. I laid my head down on my bed, imagined it was her lap, i imagined her hand stroking through my hair as I narrated to her. It was as if an alien thought was planted in my head. "I love you" at a time full of depression and self loathing, those thoughts were indeed alien to me. 

 

Throughout the months she got more and more vocal, we've mostly focused on voice and just having a precence. By Nov it seems like she's been with my almost all day hour of everyday. I've forgotten what it's like to be alone in my head. At this time to the present I have not successfully had anything close to an open eyed visualization.  

 

I've tried focing into meatspace, but no luck at all. With closed eyes I can get a good static image with enough concentration, but it's like a moving a moving stream and the image almost immediately gets washed away. Still I'm pleased at progress and know it's simply finding the right thing that clicks with me. 

 

Lately, as of this past week i've been experimenting with syrian rue tea and low doses of MHRB (mimosa hostilus root bark) powdered in capsules. 5 grams rue and between 1.5 and 2.5 grams of MHRB (it's an analog of ayauascha) I don't get open hallucinations, but I do get light closed eyed visuals (spinning tunnels of various greys and colors along with bright lights). What happens at a low dose such as mine seems to be enchanced visual imagination, like a day dream you're aware of and a bit more intense. I saw her in my mind's eye the other night durring a dose of 2 grams MHRB, as clean as I've ever seen my tulpa. It was extremely emotional to me. See i'm face blind, I could never get a grasp of her face other than the arts I've done of her and still, staring at the piece I hung on our wall fades from my mind the moment I turn my head. Since that session i've been able to hold a clear picture of her, incuding her face in my mind. I don't think it was the medicine that did this in it'self, but what the medicine showed me my mind can do. I still can't reconize loved ones in pictures though.

 

Last night was my strongest experience at 2.5 grams of MHRB. We lay in my bed, I close my eyes, we get to talking up a storm and if I would have opened my eyes I would have been confused as to why my tulpa is not there. Eventually I just layed there with a clear mind, i see a parade from a top down view, it's of these faceless orange and grey creatures. We watched silently as ghost in the sky. Eventually it goes back to a light grey vortex. I open my eyes and it's like i've taken nothing but maybe the world's best antidepressant. Soon I plan to go up to 3 grams and see how things go. Hopefully i'll flip a new switch.

 

As for those that say you need a shaman/retreat, I respectfully disagree. Not everyone has that money and not everyone enjoys a crowd/group of strangers.

 

For those interested in how I prepair my meds, it is as follows.

 

Syrian rue tea:

.I grind ~5 grams of syrian rue in a coffee grinder (most only need 2-3 grams for the maoi, that's what allows the dmt in the MHRB to survive your gut)

.I add to a stainless steal pot, along with 1 cup distilled water and 1 TBSP of white vinegar

.I bring all that to a boil and reduce to a simmer (3 on my stove)

.I cover the bot and let it simmer for 25 mins

.I then add 1 more cup of distilled water and a squeeze of "lemon juice"

.I let that simmer for 25-30 mins.

.I then remove from heat, scrape any alkaloids off the side of the pan back into the brew and poor into my teacup using a fine wire mesh strainer, using a spoon the squeez ehe last bit of juices from the powdered rue

 

MHRB capsules

I just spoon in and pack using  capsule filler tools i picked up on amazon. You can make a tea, but i'm sticking with thisnmethod for now. Make sure you get a scale.

 

As for how to take it:

Drink the tea, wait until you feel it (for me it's like getting a buzz from drinking but not feeling like you had booze, also sometimes i'll get tracers and/or visiual snow) it takes me about 30-45 minutes to start feeling it on average.

After I the tea kicks in I just take the desired amount of capsules and wait. I always feel the need to close my eyes and lay down.  Please make sure to further research this though, don't just take my word for it. It may have helped me and my tulpa, but perhaps it's not for you and your tulpa.

 

Do's and don'ts as far as I know:

Do not take stimulents with the tea

(I stay by the rule, no coffee 3 hours before and 3 hours after)

Do not take with Ssri's

(I am not sure about other meds, so please do your research)

Do read trip reports

Do research how on how the teachers work with each other

Do keep a clean space as rue can make you loose ballance sometimes, stay seated.

Do keep a puke buclet around

Do avoid being in a bad mood before you even take a sip of that tea

Do tell your tulpa you love then

 

Note: syrian rue is a RIMA not like a regular non reversable MAOI, so most dietary restrictions can be avoided.

 

Edited January 31, 2023 by LGP

[JAG]

We've experimented with different doses of MHRB and finally made it to 5 grams. The trips in berween were nothing special save for drifting off into a reality where me and my tulpa (Gabby, I should have introduced her in the op) were in a hotel room. I was an outsider looking in from the corner of the room, I saw us talking to my parents and felt that we've been together for a really long time. It was really short, like 10 secounds max.

 

At 5 grams of MHRB, taken in the form of a banana smoothie (gabby enjoyed the hell out of it) we had lots of interesting visuals, starting with my bedroom twinking with small lights and a digital black grid forming. I remember getting cevs, but of what I have no clue. About an hour later I felt and saw breifly shadow figures doing surgery on my back, followed by the worst anxiety i've ever had in my life, nightmare vision (like being in a room full of welders and strobelights) and horrible nausea. She told me i need to purge asap and the anxiety would go away. She was there, gently patting me on the back as I purged. I saw a wiggling roach in the toilet surrounded by banana smoothie. In an instant the anxiety left, the nightmare vision was gone and the cevs were gentle rather than fast moving hellscapes. I got very cold, she insisted we go to bed and enjoy the rest of the trip under a blanket, I obliged.

 

We get to our bed and lay down, the feeling of her next to me but not next to me was so surreal and warm. Gabby whispered to me, close your eyes and clear your mind, maybe we'll break through. We counted to ten, by the time we get to 5 i'm in a blank state, then the white light. The colors were like that of a cartoon but irl at the same time, it was beyond any clarity I ever imagined. It was a diner on an alien planet, empty and felt as if it were extremely familiar. Gabby walks in "I made you some french toast" she said as she stood infront of me. This was the first time i've truly heard her voice, i'll never forget it.

 

It felt as if I were peeking my head through a window into another reality, a much better one. "Don't question it, it'll fade, just relax your mind"  she told me. We kissed, it's if it were real or realer than real, followed by the feeling of energy moving through my lips and face. We did this 3 timed and then I had to puke again.  I go to purge, but it's a bit peaceful this time, yet the anxiety does start to flow  violently until I vomit again. We go back to bed and the trip starts to fade, but my imagination is on steriods at this time, mental visuals requiring little concentration. we lay down for an hour imagining different scenarios, as vivid as a fresh memory.

 

We wake up and realize the magic is gone, not only did we get some very pleasent memories together and grow deeper, but the voice carried over, even now 12 hours later. It's not like an auditory hallucination, but a very distint mindvoice. I feel like I met Gabby all over again. Today we've spent the whole day together and also plan to have some edibles and watch a few movies tonight. It feels like she has more agency in meatspace now, like when I was washing a pan, she placed her hand on mine as I scrubbed. I felt her as if she were right behind me, as if her soft skin were touching mine. I just stopped for a moment and felt overwelmed with joy. 

 

All in all I believe ayahuasca has helped us tremendously, even if at times it can be a bit scary. Gotta say, Gabby made a good trip sitter.

 

We got pic related the other day for our rue and mimosa.

Side note: the nightmare vision I believe was caused by the syrian rue, as has a reverse tolerance and I've had quite a bit this month.

Edited February 9, 2023 by LGP

[ReallyArtificial]

Intriguing stuff. I've always been curious about psychedelics, but the nausea is such a turn off for me (and, y'know, possible legal consequences lol). It's awesome that it makes you feel more connected to your tulpa!

[JAG]

4 hours ago, ReallyArtificial said:

Intriguing stuff. I've always been curious about psychedelics, but the nausea is such a turn off for me (and, y'know, possible legal consequences lol). It's awesome that it makes you feel more connected to your tulpa!

The nausea sucks big time, but wow does it feel good, once you do it. It's like purging negitive emotions rather than puking, hard to explain unless you felt it. Legally speaking, in oregon united states atleast, I can drive five minutes to my local occult shop and buy what I need for the aya. You'd be suprised what is legal. 

[JAG]

It feels like there has been a ton of progress with me and Gab's since last the trip. I feel her presence more than I ever had before, like being in a room with an invisable woman. Our emotions are pretty intense at times too, almost overwhelming, i don't even think i'm capable of frowning at this point, perhaps that's the afterglow though. Maybe Gabby is right about it being homework, Lady Aya is a teacher afterall.

 

Tommorow is Gabby's first birthday. We went out shopping for her dinner earlier today and have planned a movie night around it (phantasm 4 and 5). We pondered on something, can a host and tulpa hide gifts from each other? Also how does your tulpa celebrate their birthdays?

[JAG]

We decided to take a lower dose of MHRB at 4.2 grams Wendsday night, smoothie route once again (helps with the taste when you purge lol). Again I get thqt wonderful pre purge anxiety and Gabby calms me. I could not see her, but I could feel her warmth and it was the best warmth i've ever felt in my life. We decided to imagine ourselves melting together and it was quite the feeling, very surreal emotions to say the least. I end up purging shortly after. We go to our room, lay down and we get to talking about breaking through. Gabby suggest we clear our minds.

I'm suddenly in the dmt world again, but at a window (that spot between ours and the dmt realm) i'm in a large black and white shopping mall with neon signs spead out conservatively. It felt quite empty. Gabby is next to me, she gives me instructions about staying longer "just keep your eyes closed, relax, forget your body and don't question it" (it feels like i'm in a glass box moving alongside her as she walks I am also holding my hands over my eyes irl at this time)
I have to purge again, my eyes open and i'm in my boring old room, looking at my frog's light. I ask Gabby "why does it feel like home?". 

Yesterday has been amazing. It wasn't  a bouncy afterglow, but very pleasent and warm. Her mind voice is so chrisp now, i've forgot completely I was talking to someone inside my mind so mqny times in the past 48 hours.

Closed eyed visualization has been boosted quite a bit since this trip as well. It feels like compairing apples qnd oranges now, looking back on how things were in the beginning with me and Gabs.

 

Pic is our pacman frog, pepe.