Roxanne's Progress

[terex]

To be perfectly honest I don't care much for blogs, journals ect. I understand others wanting to do that but it has never really been my thing, especially posting it online. However, I feel like writing about what has been going on and what better place than here. I can't really say if it is for the factor of validating my own efforts, keeping track of my progress or just because it sometimes feels good to just open-endedly talk about what has been going on, probably a bit of all. But regardless of the reason I've decided to make a log of forcing sessions and Roxanne's overall progress. This probably wont be updated regularly but instead when ever I feel like it.

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Day - 15ish?

My typical schedule of forcing is 6AM-7AM, 4PM-5PM and 9PM-10PM. However today the only session I did according to time was in the morning which felt somewhat productive, not the best though. I got home at about 3:30 and after wasting some time on this site I tried to tulpa force but it was uncomfortably hot in my house. The kind of heat that doesn't make you sweat or exhaust you but just saps your energy and makes you sleepy. So, naturally, I fell asleep. "It'll only be thirty minutes." turned into about 3 hours and when I woke up I was kinda pissed at myself because I wanted to work a bit more than usual with Roxanne today. By then I realized it was much cooler outside than inside so I asked my sister if she wanted to go on a walk with me, initially just to clear my head and to get rid of the sickish feeling when you sleep in the heat during the day time. When we were out I realized how much better I was able to focus and to me all the ingredients seemed right for some tulpa stew, or uh, forcing. So after we got back I decided to go out again a few minutes later, however, this time I decided to go to a park about two miles away. By this time it was about 10:00 and by the time I walked down there it was 10:30, narrating the whole way with out running out of things to talk about for more than a minute or two at a time. We get down there (I just caught myself for one of the first times unintentionally saying 'we', feels good man.) and for the next hour or so I'm in my rudimentary wonderland focusing mainly on narration, integrating a new personality trait and a bit of visualization as I find it helps me keep focus and also when narrating feels like I'm not talking to nothing. I feel like this was on of my most productive sessions with her in a while and although I didn't get an emotional response this time, I'm pretty happy with the progress made, notably getting pretty in depth with a personality trait and while I was narrating on the way there and back I didn't feel alone. I felt her with me almost like she was right beside me even though I haven't come close to starting imposition even in peripheral vision just yet. The fact that I was able to feel her 'presence' more than usual was probably the highlight of this session and with that I would say that overall, even though I didn't get in as much time as I had hoped for, today was a pretty good day.

[terex]

Day - Eh screw it. All that matters is progress.

 

So I've discovered something that will majorly help me in future forcing. If I narrate to Roxanne for about twenty minutes or so before forcing I can focus on her so much better. This cuts down the amount of and time lost to intrusive thoughts and when my mind just starts to wander. It also feels like there is a much stronger connection between the two of us.

 

Overall progress today wasn't astounding but it's definitely getting somewhere. I worked a bit on personality and then moved on to some movement mainly because I would love to go on wonderland adventures with her but I don't want to drag her everywhere. I've gotten some emotional responses and I'm assuming that the reason she isn't moving about on her own occasionally is because I haven't really even envisioned her move so how can she really accomplish this on her own? So we went with the basics today which is just walking forward in a straight line. Not very easy for me to envision due to her being a quadreped and all. I watched my cat for a while and completely understand the pattern of leg movement now but I just need to be able to envision the pattern, do so without focusing on it, then make it fluid and natural looking. I was hardly able to envision the pattern without focusing on one leg at a time. But as with everything else so far, eventually I'll be able to do so without even thinking much of it. Then after going for a jog set of the night by just envisioning what I like to refer to as the 'loading room', which is pretty similar to the loading room in the matrix and I use it for the same purpose as being a starting point to meet up with Roxanne and then decide where to go in wonderland, and in there we just hung out and I narrated for a while just recapping on the day, talking about creation and me rambling on about us. All in all a good day.

 

However, I do have a bit of a problem regarding personality. I don't feel content with what I've worked on so far as I feel I can add so much more but, I have a feeling that I will never be completely satisfied with personality because there is no real limit to how in depth you can go with personality. I would love so much to move on to more intense visualization, movement, senses (touch, smell, ect.) and eventually vocalization from all the narration and I have already been teeming around in these fields a bit because I can hardly hold back my excitement for it all. I just feel that I will never be content with personality and, although I will work on it extensively, I don't want to have any regrets regarding it.