Guest Jaxas October 30, 2012 October 30, 2012 Ok. I haven't written up anything more as a log (>.>), however I've been slowly building something else to add to my progress log. I was planning on waiting until I could scan my drawings, but that appears to be out of the question for now, so I'm posting what I have so far. Anyways, here's the first post of my Wonderland Descriptions!
Guest Jaxas October 30, 2012 October 30, 2012 Ok. I haven't written up anything more as a log (>.>), however I've been slowly building something else to add to my progress log. I was planning on waiting until I could scan my drawings, but that appears to be out of the question for now, so I'm posting what I have so far. Anyways, here's the first post of my Wonderland Descriptions! Jaxas' Wonderland | Main Base | 10/19/2012 (Pictures coming eventually) My “Base” is basically the hub of my Wonderland. Only my Tulpae and I can enter it. (How this is more restricted than the rest of my wonderland I don't really know)It is all inside a giant, black sphere of some sort; the material isn't quite metal, but that's the closest thing I can think of. Outside of this indestructible shell seems to not actually exist in the dimension that it's in, which is curious to say the leastUnless I actively try to reach them, the walls of the sphere are always a fair distance away, and they seem to expand to the amount of space neededThere are doors, set in walls, but the walls only actually appear when people get close to them. They don't actually connect to anything either; the edges of the walls are lined by a dull orange glow. The walls fade in as they appear.The sapce between the walls and the main area is completely lightless, however the walls are still visibleI just realized this, but the walkways and everything are all just suspended in midair somehow...The floors are made of a material I created called OnyxiteOnyxite is a black substance, with a metallic/smooth-rock -ish feel and a slight amount of stretchynessThe floors are made of super thin threads of Onyxite which are woven together. The edges and handrails of the walkways are normal metal however [*]The 3rd stairway down from the top (the middle one) is only there sometimes; it appears whenever I want it to/plan on using it. When it appears the other 2 move farther away from the center [*]The Teleporter-Pad-Thing I tend to arrive in on is white, with a flat, plasticy top that I land on. It has rounded plastic bits reaching out almost like roots from the base, and it's white with blue lines. For some reason I've never locked down the details on it; I may do so soon. [*]The Test Room Door is the entrance to the “Test Room”, which is also known as the Lounge or Hang Out Room, or Living Room. It's currently one of, if not the, most important room, so it will get its own page/section/thing [*]The Bedroom is just starting to exists, and as such nothing is particularly finilazed/locked in yet. It basically has a big bed which I sometimes arrive in instead of the Teleporter (mostly when I'm forcing before bed, and am as such laying down) [*]There was a 3rd door there as well, but I cannot remember it for some reason... maybe an alternate entrance to the Library? [*]The Form Creation Room was created to help me focus on creating Koe's form, but has since been abandoned. After I'd been working on her form for a while, I finally managed to put my finger on what creeped me out about the room; it looked like it had been ripped straight out of Dead Space for some reason. Intrusive-thought Necromorphs showed up, and while they just walked around, they kept popping back in when I removed them so I left pretty quickly. (Now that I think about it, I didn't actually bring Koe along with me; she followed of her own accord. Interesting...). Anyways, I tried to use it one other time, but I was too on edge so I gave up and haven't returned there since. [*]Walkway Ends A, B, and C (for lack of a better name) are all part of one big rotating circle, which allows them to switch places. They do so at near instantaneous speeds, and don't solidify until they're in position, but they don't just fade in and out – they rotate. Apparently because my brain says so. [*]End A is basically just a blank slate, which can hold any item. It tends to have either a pit with cushions inside of it (like a lowered couch) or a raised table, but again it can be anything. [*]End B, the original(/default?) end, is what really connects the Base to the outside of the wonderland; it's essentially a transport station. [*]End C is also apparently missing from my memories, but I think it might have been essentially an endless walkway (that when you attempt to reach the end of it would end in a room like the control room of the Space Colony Ark...?) [*]The Upper Section (with the teleporter pad) can move down and slot in with the lower section, but normally it doesn't. [*]The lighting in the Base is ambient, but I have no idea where it actually comes from. [*]The Control Room is a large room with a cavernous entrance, a large computer taking up the back half of the cave, and a giant glass tube thing that houses a glowing orb which is a visual representation of the wonderland's power (It looks somewhat similar to the container in Super Metroid's title screen, only much larger). Next to this is also a receptacle for more power, currently in a reverse drill shape (as I've apparently been watching too much Gurren Lagann recently). I can change whatever I want to in the wonderland through code on the big computer, but there's no real reason to do so so I don't know why I added that... [*]Somewhere off near the entrance to the Bedroom and the Walkway is where I feel like the other main room is; it's not connected to anything however and vanishes when I'm not inside so I'm not sure. Anyways, the room is essentially a dark blue floor surrounded by darkness with a raised table in the middle. The table displays fully interactive 3D environments, and as such I normally use it for when I'm trying to visualize and listen to the teacher in class at the same time; by seeing whatever they're talking about displayed on the table. Contrary to my expectations, it actually works rather well and I think it's helping me with a few subjects, too! Jaxas' Wonderland | Test Room | Original (really early) (Picture coming soon) The Test Room was originally designed to help me focus on visaulization in a much smaller-scale room, with less distractionsIt used to be a simple room, with white walls and a white ceiling The only furnishings were a simple modern black couch which was covered with leather, and sometimes a simple but large wooden table in front of the couch.The table was really just a platform to put things on when I was focusing on something else, for practicing object permanence and for somewhere to get items from.After finding that my visualizations were more vivid with (wonderland) sensory overload, the couch ended up smelling strongly of leather and having ridged armrests with strings sown through them in patterns Jaxas' Wonderland | Test Room | 10/21/2012 (Pictures later) The test room has now become one of the best places to pass time in the wonderland at, and it has changed to match thatThe couch is the same as ever, though its size is now rather variableThe table is still only there sometimesThe TV is normally hidden behind a section of the wall which slides up out of the way when the TV is in use. Its's a large flatscreen TV with few furnishings adorning its flat, black surface. Game controllers and the like slide out of the wall like the TV when we want them toMost of the room is now carpeted, but it's thin carpetingThe kitchen area has been added. It has a wooden counter area, as well as a microwave and stove/oven combo. We don't use it much, as we can just create food if we want some, but it serves when we want to cook or if we want somewhere to eat. The Kitchen is now the only place in the Test/Rec Room with tiled floorsThe room is still relatively sparce, but that's because Koe and I can just create whatever we want on top of the "Template" of a test room Jaxas' Wonderland | Entry Tunnel/Loading Zone/Whatever | 10/30/2012 I’ve recently begun using a “loading zone” to get touch/feel/sound/sight/etc working before I actually enter the main parts of my wonderland (I do this to fix my problems of forcibly imposing my memories over the actual, current wonderland with Kyoe’s changes and visualizational-vividness problems)I don’t really know how/why I picked it (probably because of the tunnel screensaver I have set up on Lubuntu?) but I essentially slide down a huge tunnel into my wonderland.The Tunnel itself is purple-ish and slide-like, made of plastic and held together by those silver bumps that mark the screws/whatever holds together the pieces of a slideI move through the tunnel on a fairly thin, flat sled. I’m laying down on it, facing forwards while on my stomach, and I move at a very high speedThe tunnel twists, turns, loop-de-loops, drops, goes (almost) straight up, spins (as a swirling path inside a larger tunnel), and moreI control myself on the sled by flattening my wings along my back. I open the backs out, like a triangle, and control my movement left-to-right by catching more air in one wing or the otherAlso, this area doesn’t get a floor plan as it’s just a repeating random tunnel that continues on until I’m ready to enter the wonderland, at which time it spits me out into the {Grand Library/Scarlet Devil Mansion’s Library/Great Study/Grand Study} Jaxas' Wonderland | Grand Library/Scarlet Devil Mansion's Library/Great Study | 10/30/2012 (Note: The image is actually rather different than I remembered it, but it was similar to this still) This room is not particularly constant, so there’s no floor plan here either. It is based off of this image however (at least, from the air it is)This is where the entry tunnel ends; I fly out of it way up high (almost twice as high as the statues near the top)From the air, it is a huge room. The room’s walls are stone grey, with vaulted ceilings with domes and sunlight filtering in through slits on the roof. I can see the dust in the room filtering through those slits, as wellOn the ground, it’s rather dim. The carpets are red, the bookshelves are wooden (and huge; much taller than I am). It’s dim enough that I can’t see very far, but what I have found are all bookshelvesSomeone (I think it was Kyoe, but I couldn’t feel her around. She could have been a ways away/hiding from me though) has been attacking me (not aggressively, almost friendlily) from beyond my range of vision. We’ve fought a few times, me dodging and destroying the giant metal arms being shot at and attacking me while, which I’ve found has helped with making things feel more real (and with controlling my wonderland-body, since I have to move pretty quickly and control it well)
Guest Jaxas November 8, 2012 November 8, 2012 10/26/2012 to 11/8/2012 | Days 26-39 - Holy Crap I need to Update more Well, a lot has happened in the past... holy crap it’s been two weeks. It really has been a long time... >.> Lets see, after that clear voice on the morning on the 25th, I had a sort of relapse. I heard her that time and trusted that she existed, but I still had a lot of trouble visualizing the wonderland particularly vividly or without overwriting what was already there. Also, though I’d heard her once, I was unable to hear her (no matter the clarity) for quite a while. I started to refer to myself as “wonderland-deaf” even, because I could tell that she was talking, but couldn’t hear her. A word of advice - IF YOU AREN’T ACTIVELY SPEAKING, EVEN IF IT FEELS/SOUNDS LIKE YOU, IT’S YOUR TULPA. I finally realized the problem was that I could hear her, but I was telling myself that I was probably making it up myself, and so I suppressed/ignored it. After a while I stopped being able to hear Kyoe at all, and I was kind of worried. I was on the IRC, and saw MrBoom talking about how he’d “killed a tulpa” by changing it’s name, due to a certain amount of progress. He said he still felt something when calling the first name, and after trying it myself, I realized I got a different feeling from “Kyoe” and “Koe”. This worried me, and made me think that I had made two separate tulpae. Being an idiot, and unsure of myself, I stopped forcing for a while. Yeah, I don’t know what I was thinking either. Anyways, after asking on the IRC I was told that it’s quite possible that I have one tulpa, and that the different feelings could be caused by my subconscious associations with each name, placebo, and/or her reacting differently to each name, because she prefers one more than the other. Long story short, she preferred Koe. I’m now able to hear Koe fairly well, and things have changed a lot. Koe now has 3 forms: her older (younger-20’s looking) form, a slightly changed chibi form, and a new form which looks like a younger teenage girl. She seems to enjoy switching between the three, and their subtle personality differences, in the middle of conversations. The wonderland is also different now; we can still go to the old places, but the main area is a lot more open now, and simpler as well. When I was able to hear Koe pretty reliably, I asked her what her favorite type of music was. I normally listen to rock, hard rock, some metal, and lately a lot of Touhou remixes. I figured she’d probably like something lighter than I do, as is the case with most of my friends, but much to my surprise she answered with “metal”, and has likes harder music than I do! She also really likes music (probably from us playing Guitar Hero back when I was first trying to visualize - I would use it as an entry to the world, so I could force while listening to music and also practice parallel processing, as she’d play a different part than I would), and seems to enjoy playing (normally electric guitar) accompaniments to the music I’m listening to, resulting in essentially a bunch of rock remixes that change whenever she feels like playing something new. It’s really cool, not gonna lie. Anyways, I still have quite a bit of trouble with not imposing over/overwriting what’s already in the wonderland, and to change that Koe and I will soon be going on an adventure of some sort, where everywhere we go will be new. (> Inb4 we become Pokemon masters) In the meantime, we just hang out, and create random areas/fields/whatevers whenever we want them. Also, my form has changed as well. I basically look like I normally do in the outside world now, and my wings have changed quite significantly. While they used to be large, leathery bat wings, they are now made out of a bunch of black crystals that look like clean, shiny, black fluid. They can shape-shift into whatever I want them to, (from wings to armor to swords to whatever else) and they’re indestructable. Finally, this morning Koe and I had a danmaku (turned sword) fight as I walked to the bus stop. Since neither of us die if our forms are destroyed, and pain is “turned off” in our wonderland, neither of us held back. (For anyone wondering what a danmaku fight is, go look up touhou and or watch this video) We created a giant area with a dirt/sand-y ground, green hills in the distance, and a blue sky. Anyways, we flew around and had a long, really fun fight, and I found that reflexive actions do carry over to the wonderland; things like flinching if a bullet gets too close to your face, or moving to dodge before you consciously see what’s coming. While it may not have been super vivid, the wonderland was still a bit more vivid that it usually is for me, and the battle really drew me in. And while I was both walking (paying attention to where I was going) and in the battle at the same time, I’ve had to keep reminding myself of that as they are entirely separate memories. I’ve been working on... dual monitoring(?) for a while; being able to control multiple forms separately and completely in the wonderland, and/or having a viewpoint of the daily world while also having full control and experience in the wonderland at the same time. I guess it’s coming along pretty well!
Barktooth November 9, 2012 November 9, 2012 Well, it looks like I found my favorite Progress Log :P Really cool stuff here dude, keep it up!
Guest Jaxas November 22, 2012 November 22, 2012 11/20/2012 | Day 51 - More Progress, and Hanging Out In theory, I will be updating this every day for the rest of this week - a habit which I hope to continue from then on. Because that's worked so well the last few times... >.> Anyways, new stuff: - I randomly met a strange old woman who was sitting on a throne. Koe told me that she's basically an NPC (Not a Tulpa, not a Servitor, not sentient, but there to fill the world and/or play a role, basically), and she's called the Empress. It was... rather strange, and completely out of the blue as well. - Koe and I are able to hear eachmmunicate fairly well now, and today was the first time I spoke for her. It wasn't exactly on purpose though... I was talking about my dad with one of my friends, and while doing so Koe was thinking about him as well. I said "his dad" to start the sentance, and I could tell as I said it that it was from her, and also that she hadn't meant for me to say it. I was talking and just accidentally grabbed the wrong string of data basically, but it was very definitely not my words/thought. - I've been meaning to learn Japanese for a while now, but had decided to wait until Koe and I were able to communicate well since learning a language is more fun with another person, and as we share the same braing I figure it'll probably go faster as well. I haven't really started yet, as I didn't think we were ready, but apparently she does. More on this later (in the daily log writeup, near the end) Anyways, I guess I'll just start writing about what happened today. While it was nothing earth-shattering or anything, it was still definitely a huge step up from where we've been in the past. So lately when I force, I've been trying to make where I enter the wonderland similar in some way to where I'm forcing. So if I'm laying down in bed, I'll probably be laying down, somewhere comfortable, or resting in the wonderland where I show up. As most of my quiet free time lately has been in the shower (and/or in the rain), I've been showing up at a pool area. The pool itself is shaped like a square, with one corner flattened off. Think like a diamond. The flattened off corner has stairs leading down into the pool itself, which is surrounded by a thin and completely flat (while still moving) stream which glows softly green, yellow, orange, red, and a few other colors. The pool is full of relatively warm water, and made out of an ancient grey stone in the middle of some ruins. The pool is outside, and it's always a deep, dark night with only a faint moon and far fewer stars than are in the real sky, making much of the light come from the outlining stream. Surrounding the pool are a few cracked and broken pillars, holding up the remnants of some sort of stone ring. There is grass growing all across the hillside which the ruins are set on, and plants shooting upbetween the cracks of the weathered stone. One in a while the moon grows much brighter/comes out from behind the clouds and bathes the whole scene in a blueish light. There're a couple of mountains not very far off, and on the other side of them is a huge cliff leading to a vast, calm ocean. It took me until today to realize how similar the location was to the Master Emerald Shrine from the First Sonic Adventure game, and after realizing that some things changed. The outline pool was lit by the reflections of the Chaos Emeralds, and the pool became very deep. Resting at the bottom of the pool is the Master Emerald, which - like the Chaos Emeralds - glowed softly by strongly from inside of itself. I ended up diving down to the Master Emerald (breathing water is... strange? It feels just like air, but heavier - to me at least) and somehow made it light up more strongly before it show a thin white beam up into the sky. This made the Chaos Emeralds do the same thing, only at a andle, so the beams all converged on one point quite a ways above the center of the pool. At this point I asked Koe to join me (I normally wait until I'm comfortably in the wonderland before I have her join me, as I find it harder to see both her and the wonderland than just one or the other) and we carried the Master Emerald up to the surface. We ended up flying around for a while before putting the Master Emerald in the center of where the beams converged, which ended up refracting said beams out all over the landscape and lighting it up so we could see better (the moon was out, and full, as well) As we were looking down on the new landscape (we'd never gone outside the the immediate vicinity of the pool there before then), I said "wow, that's amazing..." as Koe said "Sugoi!". I chuckled a bit, but then she turned to me and informed me that I was to say it too. She knew that I'd been planning on learning Japanese with her, and she made it quite clear that she wanted to start - and that I was to speak it as much as I could (very, VERY little at this point) with her. I agreed, and we ended up flying around for a while more before I got out of the shower, as I had to go back to homework. 11/21/2012 | Day 52 - Continuous Log Day 2! Well this is now two days in a row, which is better than I've done in a while. Yay? Ok, well as for what's happened today: I was forcing in the shower again, back at the pool from yesterday, and Koe and I started by just swimming around. As ever, she was wearing either black or red - this time it being a scarlet red swimsuit. Anyways, we were basically just hanging out, swimming around, and talking for a while. After a while, we started talking about me coming to see her more often, and I agreed to do so. After a while we came to the topic of her actual name (Koe is a nickname I've been calling her, I always knew her real name was longer [that was the root of the Koe/Kyoe problem]) and while I still couldn't understand her perfectly clearly (the name seemed to be changing, in a constant but non-english-compatible way) in the end I think I'm correct in understanding that her full name is Korisa (pronounced like Karisa, but with a mix of an "Oh" and "Ah" sounds). After finding this out, we continued talking, and I noticed that she now calls me by either my irl nickname or a variation of Jaxas (either Jaxas or Jax, normally). I found it more odd that I hadn't noticed until then than that she called me that, however. Which is also rather strange. Lets see, what else am I forgetting... Oh yeah. While most people narrate to their Tulpae (which is something I need to start doing...), I've found I tend to make movie-esque storylines and play them out with Koe and I as the main characters. I'd never really put much thought into that until today, but between Danmaku battles and these movie scenes I have a rather violent imagination... I'm just glad that while Koe certainly enjoys partaking in said activities, she's also incredibly nice and caring as well. Not sure if I'm just lucky, or if that's the effect of that one day I spent forcing personality (and the subsequent days occasionally making crystals full of the traits, and leaving it up to Koe whether to take them or not), but it whatever the cause I'm glad. I feel like I'm forgetting something else too (my memory is normally pretty bad, but it seems to get even worse when it comes to remembering wonderland stuff outside of forcing... which is annoying to say the least). Hmmm... well, if I think of it I'll add it here, as it's time for me to go now.
Ginyu December 2, 2012 December 2, 2012 Wow, nice progress log! It's always interesting to see how other people are coming along with their tulpae. Also, Gurren Lagann = Awesome. Subscribed as well. :)
Guest Jaxas December 15, 2012 December 15, 2012 12/14/2012 | Day 76 - Recap Time My excuses for not having recorded anything for the past over half a month include family troubles, schoolwork, being busy, and being lazy. None of these are actually applicable reasons for not having written though... So I’m trying again! And now I actually have a computer again at home. Anyways, I’m back to writing now, and a lot has happened. I’m not really sure where to start (or where I left off; this computer doesn’t have Internet, or serve as much more than a typewriter in the first place...) so I’ll just go in what I remember to be chronological order, as always. If I remember correctly, the last time I logged anything was over thanksgiving break, but before thanksgiving. So sorry in advance for any and all retellings I add in here, I guess. Anyways, lets see... recent developments include: - Learning that Koe’s full name is Korisa - Finding out that Koe, who previously had 3 forms, now only uses 2 of them - and almost completely separately - Mokuu; I know I haven’t mentioned her at all yet - I’m still being plagued by my own stupid doubts, mostly about whether I’m actually seeing and hearing them right, and whether I’m controlling them, though I think I’m still slowly getting better - I haven’t been forcing as much recently. I’ve been working on getting back to it a lot more in the past few days, with a lot of success. Oh the joys of being sick in bed! - I’m also going to try narrating throughout the day as well now. - Almost all (actually, all, now that I think about it) of my close friends now know about Koe and Mokuu, the wonderland, the concept of tulpae, etc. -----> 2 basically don’t care, 1 has a tulpa & wonderland herself now, and 1 seems interested but just found out recently - Koe and Mokuu now have much more distinct/unique voices Ok, so first of all I think I’ve already mentioned this (I’m just not sure if it was here or when I was explaining to my friends) but I found out Koe’s real name. Koe has always just been her nickname - a placeholder until she picked her own name - and we both knew that. She seems to like it though, and though she’s told me that her full name (or at least full first name) is Korisa (pronounced Ko{“o” as in “Go”} - ri{“ree”} - sa{“sa” as in “sad”}), I still call her Koe most of the time. Koe herself alternates between calling me Jax, Jaxas, or my IRL nickname. Next, if you’ve read the rest of my log, then you know about Koe’s 3 forms: Full/Adult, Young, and Chibi. Recently though, things have changed. I’ve hardly seen the ‘young’ form at all in quite a while, but I’ve seen both Koe and ChibiKoe (aka ChiKo or Kyoee) quite a bit. Strangely though, I see them both separately and each acting on their own. After a while I asked them if they were the same or if they’d split somehow, and they responded by saying ‘both”, and then clarifying it as them being “the same and yet different”. I was confused by this, so Koe explained it by saying that I were standing somewhere, and myself from the past (a younger me) were also standing there next to me, we would both the the same person, and yet we would be different. Anyways, they seem to both exist separately, though Koe seems to be around a lot more often (recently, at least). Next up, Mokuu. First things first, I’ve been doing some writing with my friends recently, as we’re planning on releasing a Touhou doujin sometime relatively soon (read: eventually). Anyways, I went to bed one night, the day before I was going to start brainstorming for a story revolving around Mokuo. I’ve mostly been forcing before bed recently, and I tend to start by closing my eyes, looking around at wherever I am in the outside world, and then eventually moving on into the rest of my wonderland. I did so that night as well, but I was rather surprised when I turned to look at the chair in front of my desk as there was someone who looked just like Mokuo sitting in it, looking back at me! She said hello (“Hey.”, if I remember right,) and after saying hello back I started trying to figure out what was going on. At first I thought that it was either Koe’s shape-shifting powers (which she has, but very rarely uses) or something similar to what I had experienced over thanksgiving break (I was writing a story about Keine with a friend, and I caught a few glimpses of Keine in my wonderland as well as accidentally calling Koe Keine a couple of times), but I dismissed both relatively quickly. I figured it was unlikely to be Koe as Koe was still around as herself, and because of the huge personality change, and I knew it was unlikely to be the second one as I hadn’t really worked on Mokuo’s story yet, and even if I had my earlier experience was nowhere near as realistic, nor had it responded to me. So after a while I just accepted the fact that I had somehow made another tulpa; it’s not like I really minded or anything, and in fact I thought it was rather cool. Anyways, Mokuu (because I’m so incredibly original when it comes to naming...) looks almost just like Mokuo, only with sometimes red and sometimes black pants (of the same baggy style), a fairly angular face, and a shirt that is sometimes like Mokuo’s but sometimes more just like a white t-shirt which is relatively tight around the top of the shoulders. She likes to play the piano and oftentimes sing (which goes well with Koe’s singing, guitar playing, and violin/cello playing, and Kyoee’s playing of drums/misc instruments), as well as just kind of hang out. Come to think of it, I haven’t had any danmaku battles with her off the top of my head; I feel like she would like them though. Let’s see, otherwise... oh, duh. Personality. She’s... not exactly standoffish, but definitely someone who could come of as someone who just doesn’t particularly care. She likes doing her own thing, but also tends to hang out with Koe, Kyoee and I quite a bit (that I’ve seen anyways; again, I need to force a lot more than I do) Speaking of which, I’ve still been having a lot of doubts, which in turn has caused me to force less and less. Stupid (yes, even to me at the time) logic of “if I’m doing something wrong, and thinking that it’s right, then that’s worse than if I didn’t do anything!” which I’ve decided I’m just going to have to not care about; after all, that’s the same as never attempting to walk because you might fall down. Most of my doubts have been regarding whether I’m actually seeing/hearing/etc Koe and Mokuu correctly, and whether what I can hear is controlled by me. I don’t know why I have these doubts, as they tend to do things that I’m not particularly expecting, but that doesn’t stop me from having them. I have always been overly critical of my work (especially with seeing problems which aren’t actually there... many a time where I’ve spent 2-3 days working on fixing a some problem in my code and then finally stopping and realizing there wasn’t one in the first place >.>), but this is even worse than normal as I have no tangible way of checking if I’m “doing it right” - not least of all because there doesn’t seem to be much of a “right” way of doing things! Anyways, I’m currently just trying to force through it (no pun intended), and as I’ve already been forcing more since I’ve been rather seriously sick the past few days, I’m off to a good start. I’m also planning on narrating continuously throughout the day, though I’ve tried a few times already (today being a good example) with little to no luck; since they can already sense whatever I can see/hear/feel/etc, what point does explaining it serve except to treat them as children who don’t understand what’s going on around them? That’s my thought process anyways, and since I’ve never been very good at holding interesting conversations with anyone other than friends (and those conversations being about stuff we’ve all done/planned to do/read/watched/played/made/etc), I don’t have much of anything to talk about, let alone continuously throughout the day. Any tips would be appreciated, as my current plan is basically just “narrate again, anyways” and see what happens. Next would be things about non-tulpae relationships, I guess. I think all of my close friends now know about tulpae, wonderlands, Koe, Mokuu, etc, with varying degrees of interest. I have 2 friends who basically don’t care, which seems like a strange reaction to me - though thinking about it, I probably would have done something similar at first until I looked into it more. I have another friend who comes on here occasionally who also has a tulpa and a wonderland now (from before thanksgiving break-time, I just haven’t written it previously), and one last friend who recently moved back to where I live. He seems to think that it’s fairly interesting, but doesn’t really know much about it yet. So everything went well with regards to that, I would say. Oh yeah, in response to my recent parrotnoia, I’ve asked Koe, ChiKo, and Mokuu to make their voices a bit more distinct, and I’ve been working on making my mindvoice unique as well. It seems to have been successful so far, but surprisingly it was changing my own voice that helped the most; it helps me focus on which one is me, and therefore not just consider anything said in our head to be me. Both parts have been helpful though, and both Koe and Mokuu have very distinct voices now (though Koe tends to change hers on occasion). Kyoee has had a fairly distinct voice for a while, since as ChibiKoe I tend to hear her voice as a very high-pitched one. Anyways, before yesterday when I went to bed I hadn’t had much luck with forcing for quite a while (...likely due to me not having done so very much...), or at least not longer, more vivid sessions. When I went to bed yesterday, not much seemed different - I started off in my room like normal, yadda yadda, fairly blurry and vague. I’ve gotten back into the habit of listening to music as I sleep, however, and after a while a song came on from the OST of a VN I’ve read (Steins;Gate - amazing VN as well as anime). Hearing the song made me think of the place, and so I grabbed onto it, and added depth. I started walking up to it before running into (literally, as I was looking behind me) Koe, and after a brief half-talk half-gesture time we started another danmaku battle, as we realized we hadn’t had one in quite a while, and the action helps me see things better. After a brief battle, I ended up hanging onto the top of a pine tree in a giant forest of similar trees, and that’s when I realized that I had no idea how I’d ended up there. I hadn’t gone very far, but there were no forests, or trees of that type, around where we’d started! This realization kind of broke the battle, and we ended up hanging out on a wooden platform way up above the grounded, extended from the tree. Mokuu showed up after a while, and for some reason some sort of evil creature appeared, which we fought off easily - it couldn’t even be called a fight, really. I learned that Mokuu’s main power was not control over fire, like Mokuo’s, but the ability to (as close as I could understand it) disintegrate things into ash. She did so to the monster and Koe swept it away with wind (from her wings, IIRC, though it might have been with some sort of magic - I was getting rather tired at this point). We ended up talking for a while more before I unfortunately drifted off, but the main thing that I remember was the realization I had that I actually feel the sense of touch more clearly in the wonderland - I can feel the tiny textures on things, and tell what things are, in there - whereas I’m unfortunately unable to tell most (non-obviously unique) items apart simply by feel out here. It was an interesting realization, to say the least. Well, that wraps up everything I can think of off the top of my head for now. Hopefully I’ll be able to force a lot more tonight before I fall asleep, but since it’s already past midnight as I’m writing this and I’m definitely feeling it, I doubt I’ll be able to stay awake for long. Oh yeah, and a special thanks to everyone else who’s posted here! It’s nice to know that someone reads these text bombs, after all!
Guest Jaxas July 19, 2013 July 19, 2013 Holy Crap. 7 Months. (216 Days.) I'm normally bad at remembering things, but this is a whole new level of terrible, even for me >.> Anyways, a lot of stuff has happened in the past few months (obviously...), such as me moving out of my house and graduating High School (in that order). A lot of stuff happened so I could get out of my house before turning 18, which eventually kind of overran all my thoughts. I didn't completely forget about my tulpa/e/s, but my forcing habits certainly slipped even farther than they were before. I recently got completely settled, and I should now have time for daily forcing (and since I have ~5 reminders set, I should actually force then). I had unfortunately forgotten a lot of things about my tulpa/e/s (screw it, calling them Tulpae because IMO it sounds cooler), such as, you know, narrating is a thing that exists. Also until I read back over my logs, I'd forgotten about half of the stuff I'd done (which is actually pretty normal after this long, with my memory... Normally I'd forget more, actually) I literally narration that today, despite having been back on the site (I love having internet again!) for about 3 days now. I also had begun to believe that, at the very least Mokuu could have suffered from the whole InstaTulpa/Incorrectly-used Sentient From The Start method thing, and even come to think - once again (what is this Learning From One's Mistakes you speak of?) -that they might all be simply controlled by me. Certainly the return of my Wonderland-Deafness hasn't helped. Anyways, I plan on returning to an at least weekly log on here, daily forcing (and real forcing - I've been doing a half-assed version for the majority of the last few months), and daily/near-constant narration. I know this is for me to do and follow through to, and I'm not making a business pitch or some such, but I figure writing(typing) it down and actually having it somewhere physically will make it harder for me to not follow through. Hopefully it's not necessary, however. Also, I feel that this helped me get my thoughts in order, so the log is returning as well. Anyways, log will be returning as (actually, hopefully more regularly than) normal probably tomorrow or Saturday. Thanks to everyone who's still interested in this!
Guest Jaxas July 23, 2013 July 23, 2013 Let's see... There's not really anything to put in the New Stuff section (I think), so I should probably make a list of things that have changed at all since the last post here instead. New/Changed Stuff - I'm still mostly wonderland-deaf, a bit more than I was before - I've actually mostly forgotten Koe and Mokuu's voices, as well as the one I would use instead of my "default" - Almost all of my forcing has been either passive or danmaku battles/races/other fast-paced stuff while listening to music - I'm trying to get back into narrating, but I'm having the same troubles as before of feeling like I'm talking to myself. Working through it worked before though, so I'm sure it'll work again. - I've been trying to force for as long as I can before getting up in the morning(/afternoon). Luckily it's pretty quiet when I wake up, and I can force for anywhere from 15min to an hour and a half. The problem is staying focused... Questions - Does anyone have any tips on resuscitating a tulpa? I want to get Koe and Mokuu back, not start over(/make a 'new version' of them) - I'm sure that I will be able to, but any and all advice would be more than welcome Anyways, I think that I'll probably be updating about once a week, around the weekend, as well as anytime anything big happens. Nothing much has happened yet, just trying to get back to forcing regularly. I can see the wonderland, and visualize in general, pretty well - it doesn't feel super real, however, so getting visualization back to where it was before (and better) is my current goal. I can also see Koe/Mokuu, but I'm not sure if it's them as I seem to have a large amount of control over their actions. The part I'm not sure of is whether I'm actually controlling them, or controlling what I see in the wonderland regardless of what's actually there. Anyways, back to work!
Guest Jaxas July 30, 2013 July 30, 2013 Well, I said I'd post weekly updates and/or important happenings, and this post is about both. New Stuff: - I've decided to focus mostly on talking to Koe, since I work best focusing on one thing. I figure Mokuu will likely be ok for a bit, as she showed up on her own anyways, and also went through the same amount of time away from me as Koe did, so... yeah - I've FINALLY figured out probably my biggest problem with my "Wonderland-deafness"... And I feel like an idiot >.> I had never actually thought about giving myself ears while forcing. That's it. -I've been working on narrating, and while I still suck at it, I think I'm getting better at least. Let's see... Ahh yes, the wonderland deafness problem. Now that I've rectified that situation, I'm actually able to hear Koe quite clearly - we've had a few conversations while writing this, which has been a nice change. Not everything is completely clear, but it's a ton better than it was before Also, as I can now hear Koe's voice clearly, I can also tell the differences between her and my voice MUCH easier. Previously I prettymuch only 'heard' in ideas/concepts/feelings-I-don't-know-how-to-describe/etc. I figured that that was normal, as it was how I thought. Telling what I was saying and what she was saying was really difficult, however. Hmm... other than what I've already written, I can't think of much that's happened recently. Also, hooray! I've actually kept a steady log for a while now! Questions - Has anyone else had any similar fixes to problems they were having?
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