Two, Five, Three

[Twfivthroee]

I have been with my tulpas for 16 years.

 

I'm from China. In my childhood, I have known my friends. Perhaps it would have been better to classify it as "imaginary friend". Anyway, there's no way to define it clearly. In my country, perhaps due to sensitivity, many times things tend to be conservative. Well, my situation is very complicated. I hope it can have some value.

 

When I was six years old, I already knew them. They are not from the cartoons I have seen, and even seem to be a little distant from my real life. When I first met them, thinking about it now, it was totally childish. I can't even articulate what my wonderland is. In a way, so at that time I could not talk with my peers about some very "slow" topics, talk about flowers, talk about grass, talk about frogs, talk about stones or ants, those were too boring. My parents are busy and won't have the patience to stay with me. At that time, I was thinking, "Who am I?" My parents don't seem to like me very much, so someone will like me, right? How else would I have come into this world? I came into this world because the world needs me. Well, I know it sounds strange now.

 

I have to say I was quite good at convincing myself when I was a child. At that age, I was glad I had come up with the idea, but then I began to wonder, the world "needs" me, so why didn't I know? Finally I came to an answer, I have a group of partners, they are invisible in this world. I may be too young. When I grow up, they'll find me. I'm going to study hard and be good, so they don't reject me, they don't have to accept me as their partner, and I'm going to have a home, right? It doesn't matter if no one cares about me, as long as my mates care about me. I am important to them, and they are important to me.

 

So I actually believed it.  I waited with great anticipation for someone to pick me up one day (funny thinking about it now), and I kept waiting, and exploring.  I am very anxious to prove that I can be sure that they must exist, or I will be very sad.  But the truth is, we both know that's not going to happen.  I sometimes get tired of waiting, and I get angry and say, "Well, if you're there, please give me some feedback."  I know I can't see him, he may be invisible, but he'll be here soon.  So in the past, sometimes, if there was a tree nearby, I would say, if you're there, let this tree drop a leaf, or if you're there, let a man pass the road in front of me.  Amusing idea, isn't it?

 

These things are very much a matter of luck, so they don't always work. At first, I was a little patient, and I would think that he must be in a bad mood to ignore me. After waiting for a long time, I found that he always ignored me and began to get angry, and must ask him to prove his existence. I am unreasonable and outrageous, I said to he/she, OK, then I jump a step, if I can skip the front of the stone, then you exist! I was kind of hoping for a miracle, so I didn't pick something that was 100% sure of success. Then there's the possibility of failure, right? What if I made it, but I didn't actually make the jump, but I made it because he was there? Of course, if I fail, I will cheat. I would say, for example: If I open my eyes and there is no ant on the ground, it means he exists. But I was standing on the road like, of course there can't be ants.

 

I don't know which day, I suddenly heard someone ask me: "What do you think of this stone?" I was very confused by this voice, and because I heard it wrong, I did not answer him. Then the voice comes up several times and asks, "Do you like this?" . I answer when I'm in a good mood. As we got to know each other, sometimes I would ask him, "What do you think of this?" Or "What do you think I should do?" At first he didn't have a gender and I didn't know if he was a girl or a boy, well, as I got older, I had some ideas. His voice began to become clearer, or more three-dimensional. (When he was there, I could only feel that he was much taller than me. In China, it is polite to call someone who is older than you but doesn't look much older brother or sister, so I would ask him if he is brother or sister.)

 

He would answer my questions and tease me when I got them wrong: "Is that true? So why did it go there?" Sometimes I will be asked by him speechless or unable to answer, will be very angry, he is the elder brother why not let me? I just ignored him. He would be there to confess or apologize, and most of the time I wouldn't listen. Because he's my big brother, he shouldn't give me a hard time, and I know he can't be mad at me. He usually humors me. He would say, "How about going shopping for something delicious?" (At my expense, of course! At that time was very small and no money, ask parents, he only played the role of accompanying shopping) or "How about we go there to play?" I'll go with you. It'll be fun. (Or "You're not going? I'll go, ") You don't have to come."

 

It was a wonderful time.  For me, my childhood was very happy and I still look back on it with joy.  I respect my big brother very much, and like him, and hope to get his affirmation.  Okay, this brother is very strict, very nice when he's nice to me, but he's too serious.  He was very strict with me, and sometimes I would be punished or asked to apologize if I didn't do well.  I sometimes think it's not my problem at all, but he thinks it's serious.  I am very wronged while crying and being scolded by him, and sometimes I have to say some unnecessary apologies.  Brother generally will not be angry, but once angry will be very difficult to coax, and he has his own principles, as long as angry will not say a word.  Our cold war will only make me depressed (I don't know if he will be depressed).  I take the initiative to Sue for peace, naturally what he says I do, I will listen to his words to apologize, but sometimes can not apologize at all, when I go to make good with him, he will teach me earnestly.

But as we grew older, we argued more and more, I was tired, his demands were too high, I always couldn't do well.  I don't know what it was that time, maybe his words made me very sad, or maybe I was dissatisfied with him and in a bad mood, I ignored him first.  He offered to make up with me, and I ignored him.  He had no choice, because he could not educate me, and he had to find someone else to take his place.  Before leaving, he said goodbye to me, I even did not retain, even if my heart is reluctant to give up, but I am not willing to take the initiative to retain him.

 

Let's call this big brother W, and his number is "5." We don't have names, just numbers. Yes, I have a number, too. After that comes E, the number of E is "2". The day E appeared was afternoon, because I seem to remember the glow of the setting sun shining on the ground, like a golden carpet covering the earth. Now that I remember, when E took over from W, that wasn't the first time I met E. That afternoon was the first meeting. W introduced E to me, saying that this is your teammate. She smiled at me with a bright face and a little naughty. I said it was nice to meet you, she smiled, and left. I suddenly couldn't see her a little strange, W volunteered to explain that she had a mission.

 

So the second time we met, E and I were in a, uh, a place where we could exercise. In China, in every community there is, well, it is a place that many old people and children love to go to. Where I was sitting, forget, the back E sat next to me, very calmly asked me: "quarrel?" Do you want to apologize? If you don't want to apologize, I'll be with you in the future."

 

I said that's great, I'm not apologizing! E smiled and didn't talk. I didn't fit in at first, it was a very chaotic time, sometimes it was W, sometimes it was E. I can't tell, so I ask the person who you are and she/he tells me the number. If this person is W, then I will be very indifferent, he sees me and ignores him, he is very helpless will call E back, he left. I only talk to E. The connection between W and E is so close that I feel as if I belong to a big group.

 

After W appears less and less, it seems that he also intentionally does not appear, I sometimes ask E "why you appear?"  And five?  (It's W, and we call each other numbers.)  "My concern for him is only in my mouth.  E was very patient to persuade me, and asked: "Do you know that you miss him at this time?  Are you gonna go apologize to him?  Let him come back to you?"  I said no.  Then I pestered E, trying to get her to tell me without me apologizing to W. She would tease or sigh and tell me that she couldn't betray W until I apologized to him.  At that time, I also had a very big opinion of E, E is so young and talk so rigid.

 

I've been with E for a long time, what, seven or eight years?  Probably E and I never thought that we would have such a relationship in the future, from the encounter until now, like a dream.   Neither of us ever thought it would develop into an intimate relationship.  Well, she spoils me too much, and most of the time, she won't refuse me.  Uh...  it's written quite messily.

Edited November 2, 2023 by Twfivthroee
（I've revised it, removing sensitive information.）

[Twfivthroee]

When I was in college, I had a very good relationship with my friend Y, and I rarely cared about E. E thinks it doesn't matter, she wants to be a spectator of my life, and she doesn't want me to stick to her all the time, when I don't need her, she can do what she wants to do. Of course, when we first started living together, and I was naive at the time, if she left I would be extremely unhappy with her behavior and report her. She'll be scolded. But when I grew up a bit, if she wanted to do something bad, I would also secretly cover for her. Because by that time, our relationship had become very good, and I couldn't bear to see her being punished.

 

Y has a great impact on my emotions. I have cried because of Y too many times. E was very dissatisfied and asked me not to play with Y anymore. I ignored E, but could sense her silence on the matter. After a time I get along with Y conflict, E asked me to delete Y, I deleted. But not long after I went to Y to add back friends, E should actually be a little angry, but she did not show too obvious.

 

Y's influence on me gradually faded, until now, it is completely not, so after the first time to add back friends, my emotions will still be influenced by her words.  The connection between E and me has gradually weakened. I avoid communicating with her, I know she has always had a significant bias against my practices, so I have never openly discussed this matter with her.  I was afraid to talk to her, and I was depressed after every discussion.  The subject became taboo in our conversation.  My attitude was too strong for E to persuade, so she chose not to talk about it.  She and I maintained a semblance of calm, both of us tacitly avoiding the subject.  But soon, things began to go wrong.  My mood fluctuated too often.  At the same time, along with other things, in September of last year, I went to Beijing Psychiatric Hospital and was prescribed antidepressants.

 

I don't think I've ever been so clearly aware of how important E and I, or their relationship with me, are.  As I was writing this sentence, I remembered something and suddenly realized that being rejected by people on my side of the community is also normal, and my heart felt better.  In fact, I've experienced dissociation symptoms in my childhood, but at that time, I didn't know what this strange reaction was.  And my first impressions of it were around that age.  Not often, but I'm impressed.  Because I think it's very funny, yes, even I'm kind of obsessed with it.  Haha, what kid doesn't like a world that looks like a game?

 

But after growing up, it's no longer fresh, and I don't feel too fun. Sometimes I don't understand very common concepts or very normal things, like a tree growing there, and I think why is that a tree? What is serious? What is growing up? Another effect is that I will lose some emotions, such as classmates suddenly bump into me, I will not care. My perception of pain is a little weak, not only physically, but also psychologically I can't feel too much pain. For example, feeling psychological pain or something like that.

 

It's hard to tell who caused who. Of course, we can be optimistic. They were actually positive at the time of my dissociation. If dissociation happened suddenly, I would lose my sense of reality, but I was not too afraid. I would ask her what I should do now, or E would come out first and say, "Don't be afraid, I'm with you." Do you know what you're going to do now?" If I was in serious condition, she would tell me what to do at that time. I'm totally subordinate to her, and I may not know who I am, but I do know that she's my teammate, and we share weal and woe. I love her so much, and she loved me as much as I loved her. We have absolute trust in each other and are willing to pledge each other's lives.

 

But if I wasn't serious, I would know what kind of state I was in, and when she asked me if I knew what I was doing, I would tell her I did. She would divert my attention, like "Want to talk about that? This teacher in your class, you see she's wearing a beautiful dress today." If I am in a good mood, I will turn to look at the same teacher and affirm E, and as I speak to her, I will gradually return to reality. The beauty experienced at that moment was the same as the feeling of suddenly stepping outside after being locked in the house for three months. I am more dependent on E and will be happy to feel E around me. In a bad mood, I generally ignore E, she will find some topics to talk to me, until I am willing to talk to her.

 

I did a lot of fun things with E. For example, walking on the road, she may be excited to draw my attention to that flower, I will smile and ask her, you like it? If she said she liked it, I would say without thinking: great, next time send you. (She never mentioned my fudging, maybe we were so familiar that she didn't mind my fudging. And this makes me almost a habit, my real social subconsciously will appear perfunctory words, friends will be very dissatisfied and ask me why I want to perfunctory them. And I have no idea why they call me perfunctory.)

 

Actually, she just showed me the flower, and I suddenly solemnly promised to give her a gift.  She would say: "My Sweetheart, I just want you to look!  What do you fantasize about day by day?"  (She asked me to look at the flowers, but my attention was on sending her flowers to show her love, meaning that I was thinking about how to show myself in front of her all day long, and I had nothing else to do = =)

 

E and I still do homework together. Yes, I think she can do everything, she is very good, so I usually do not write some topics will ask her, I believe she can. If she could not give me an answer, I would say to her disapprovingly, "You can't even do this, you still stay with me?" . She would then play dumb or throw the problem back at me: "? You can't do such a simple question, are you not serious in class?"

 

If I'm not sure of the answer, I'll ask her what she thinks.    If she chooses A and I choose B, I think my right will not listen to her.    When the test was handed out, if I was right, I would laugh at her, "I'm pretty good, aren't I?"    She would reply, "yeah, right.  No offense,you clearly know the answer,so why did you bother asking me?"    If she is right, she will be very proud to say: "You see, let you don't listen to me, now your answer is wrong?"    Of course, I didn't want to admit that I was wrong, so I would sarcastically praise her.    usually when she hears that, she's gonna be so mad at me, and then I have to make her feel better.    I have to say, we are all childish.

 

Compared to me and W, my relationship with E is more equal.  How do I explain this?  Actually, I'm on the same team as E. She's my teammate.  While W is more like a big brother, so E and I have a more intimate relationship, and the mode of getting along can even be said to be not much different from lovers.  Writing here I am reflecting that to some extent I am really a jerk, I enjoy E's good, but never really care about her.

 

My thoughts have been unhealthy, I have no nostalgia for this world. I love her, and of course I want to show E the best of me. Maybe it doesn't matter if I do nothing, but I want to make her proud of me, I want to be famous one day, can let a lot of people know that I like her, I want to make her happy, I don't want her to be disappointed in me.Not just for her, but also, I want to make them happy.    So that when I stand on the stage, I can proudly say that I am their friend, and they will be proud of me.    So I am also studying very hard.    That's exactly what I did when I needed them.    But I think all of us have a good  understanding of how much work effort it takes to get along with a tulpa.

 

When I was playing better and better with my classmates, I found that it was too labor-saving to get along with real people. I don't have to do anything, even if I'm tired and sleepy and my classmates will notice me. On another point, I must respond to the classmates. I can't be angry with my classmates, because I know that if I have a problem with my classmates, then when I am in trouble, people will only look at my jokes. I can't put myself in such a dangerous position.

 

But I dare to be angry with them, confident in my right to do so. If they complain about me not paying attention to them, I will rebuke them for being immature because I'm 'working.' Yes, I'm almost bending over backward to please my classmates, and it exhausts me. They have no way to argue back since my reasons are justified, and they aren't allowed to throw tantrums at me like children, not because of my coercion. Based on our previous interactions, you should be able to tell that we are an organization, and there are certain rules that must be followed. The most outrageous part is, I know they can't leave me; they are my family. 

Edited November 2, 2023 by Twfivthroee
（I've revised it, removing sensitive information.）

[Twfivthroee]

For the things that happened in the past, I feel deeply sorry.

 

So, there are many things E can't say; her emotions are required to be restrained. She can't let her feelings lead me to do things that may not be beneficial to my future. The study pressure in China is immense, and learning can be stressful and exceptionally crucial. Balancing social life and academics was something I had to manage at that time. She can only wish for a better future for me. Back then, I always felt responsible for our future, yes, ours. I won't take responsibility for my future. What future should one have alone? I don't care how long I can live.

 

Yes, because I love her, I simply can't bear for her to see me in a wretched state. During the time I was ill, I began preparing to drive her away; I can only decisively leave when she's gone. If she stays by my side, I won't be able to do it; it would be too cruel to her. She would be saddened by my death.

 

I had little strength and, while lying in bed, would incessantly bother her, questioning why she hadn't given up on me.  When would they eventually give up on me?  I couldn't do well, there are people better than me, so why should they be delayed because of me?  I hoped they would consider themselves.  I was fully aware that their existence was nearly impossible, but I stubbornly believed they existed.  Why?  I felt I was like them, I was one of them;  if I existed, then they should exist.  If they were fake, well, that's great, then I'm fake too!

 

Perhaps there's no evidence proving I'm one of them; I understand that, of course. But willingly abandoning a teammate is shameful. If someone expresses sincerity to you, you shouldn't dismiss them. There's a Chinese saying, "Win the people's hearts, and you will win the world," meaning if you gain recognition, especially from many people, then you've succeeded. A disloyal organization is destined to fail. Furthermore, if they don't acknowledge me, they shouldn't interfere in my affairs. If I'm not their teammate, do they have an obligation to let us meet? If I'm not their teammate, why would I be willing to accept their help? Nothing is free. Well, I know my thoughts are absurd and somewhat illogical. However, at the age of six or seven, I felt it was absolutely right. And at the moment of signing the contract (I don't know when I signed it, but the concept exists), I practically entrusted them with all my trust.

 

Alright, circling back to the matter with Y. Before I went to the hospital, I started pushing E away. My condition was deteriorating, and the frequency of feeling like reality wasn't real was increasing. I didn't even have the bandwidth to pay attention to her. If E appeared during that time, I would ask her to leave. I was too exhausted; even walking was a struggle, and I was afraid she would be disappointed if she saw me in that state. Y's influence persisted, and in another moment of sadness, perhaps because my crying became unbearable for E, she contacted Y and sent her messages. I didn't allow it, but at that time, E didn't allow me to refuse her. E and Y spoke very directly; I was Y's friend, not hers, so she naturally spoke her mind. I understood very clearly what they talked about at that time, and I felt very sad because E's words were too hurtful. At that time, E was angry and didn't give me a chance to type. After she and Y explained things, E deleted Y. This incident became the spark that ignited an unprecedented argument between E and me because I had promised Y not to delete friends.

 

During that period, my condition was extremely poor. Initially, when E noticed I was in a bad mood, she would still talk to me to try to cheer me up. I would occasionally take the opportunity to advise her to give up, and sometimes, I would voluntarily speak to her, complaining about various pains here and there. However, after E deleted my friend, I never had a good conversation with E. I started responding to her less frequently. Sometimes, when I was frustrated, I would loudly question her, asking why she hadn't left me yet. At that time, she would stay silent and sit beside me. After my school learned about my situation , the school asked my parents to come and take me home. I didn't particularly like my parents; every time they appeared, it reminded me of whose child I was, which was too painful for me. I just wanted to acknowledge that I had teammates.

 

I never had significant conflicts with my parents. As long as I had teammates, I didn't mind sleeping on the streets, and I wouldn't care. Therefore, I was polite and courteous to my parents. I didn't care about them, and besides, they had other children. I exhibited exceptional patience towards them, even if there were grievances, I wouldn't bring them up. Do you think it's because I'm afraid to speak up? No, it's just not necessary. Opinions are meant to improve mutual understanding, but I didn't want to make our relationship better; that would be too painful.

 

Returning home, my parents and I would often clash, but after one or two disputes, E consistently sided with my parents, which infuriated me. I couldn't bear it any longer and questioned E about why she didn't support me. Even if I was wrong, would it hurt her to stand by me being wrong for once? I felt deeply saddened; it seemed like every time there was a mistake, she sided with outsiders. Did she not have me in her heart? I never opposed her expressing different perspectives on things that bothered me. I was madly infatuated with her, so much so that her voice enchanted me. The gentle tone she used when comforting or advising me could make me surrender in a second. Although I might occasionally be dissatisfied with her opinions, she genuinely tried to cheer me up, and that made me so happy. As long as she was there, loving me, I felt like I had the whole world. No one else mattered compared to her.

 

Let me think about how she usually spoke sweet words to me: "You should think about it.  Given what happened, you can understand how difficult their lives are.  Try to empathize with them."

 "Empathize with them?  I empathize with them, but who empathizes with me?  Do you empathize with me?!  What's wrong with them?!"

 "Don't be upset.  I understand you, okay?  Let it go.  N is good (N is my number, a bit embarrassing to say, so I won't mention it).  Don't worry about them, alright?"  (Sometimes, when I intentionally created trouble, she would also feel helpless.  Then she would say, 'Fine, I understand you.  Just calm down.'  She would sigh.  Although she was annoyed by my unreasonable behavior, and I ignored her when I was angry, she had to adjust her own mood and speak kind words to me.)

I might complain, "?  I must hold onto this matter and be resentful about it.  How can they be like this" *10 times.  

She would respond, "Don't be upset, stop being angry" *10 times.

Then she might suddenly say, "Look!  That person bought such a big watermelon?  Can they finish it?"  I would look up, very unwillingly saying, "Who knows about them!  Maybe they bought it to have it as their main meal!"  I couldn't ignore her;  otherwise, if she felt her sweet words couldn't make me happy, she would become disheartened.  She would then stay silent, having to endure the sadness with me.  So, I couldn't ignore her.  If she is genuinely upset, it would trouble me too.  It's better not to complicate life by creating unnecessary trouble for oneself.

 

So those several instances of arguments related to the topic of parents became unbearable for me. I accused her, questioning why she had to abandon me, why she wouldn't stand by my side when she clearly knew how upset I was. Why did she treat me like this?

 

I'm utterly heartbroken. Later, when E talks to me, I clap back at her with every sentence. My strong dislike for her is quite evident. Sometimes, she only says a couple of words, and I shut her down. Much of my daily life involves her supervising me, and I usually follow her instructions. There are times when I don't want to do something, and I playfully express my cuteness to her. She might be soft on me and give in, reluctantly letting it go. However, when I refuse to comply, she often chooses to harass me to achieve her goals. For example, in the morning: "Get up!"

"Not getting up."

"Get up."

"Not getting up!"

"Really not getting up?"

"Hmm, really not getting up, you're annoying."

"Fine, you're incredibly lazy." A minute later, "Still not getting up? Really not getting up? You can continue. (Indicating she's upset, won't call me to wake up anymore, letting me deal with it myself.)"

"Ah, okay, okay, getting up, getting up, stop nagging."

Yes, these conversations are all too familiar, to the point that I don't even need to recall them.、

 

That was the first time I harbored feelings of resentment towards her, and I rebelled against her instructions with an unprecedented intensity, almost akin to teenage rebellion. I completely refused to make progress in my studies and life, letting myself go. I questioned why she had the right to command me. If she liked someone else so much, why didn't she find someone else? Why should I listen to her? What relationship did I have with her anyway?

 

Yes, I was a jerk. E, I'm sorry... After that, she rarely spoke, and I could clearly sense her gradual silence that year. I always felt she was so sad. Every time she tried to talk to me happily, I treated her with such an attitude. I would aggressively tell her, "Stop talking! I don't want to hear your voice!"

 

My heart hurts, and I don't give E a chance to apologize. Every time she tries to apologize, it frustrates me. I completely ignore her perspective, engaging in heated arguments, expressing dissatisfaction intensely. I don't even let her speak; she can't even coax me. I don't know what she might be thinking at that time. I only know that her silence then is entirely different from any silence I've witnessed from her before.

 

She might have been angry at that time; she no longer comforted me. Sometimes she really wanted to talk, and I couldn't stop her from speaking her mind. However, when our relationship was still good, she usually followed my lead and responded proactively. But during that time, when she was angry, she completely didn't go along with me. It turned into her expressing herself, me expressing myself, and we ignored each other. I felt the moment she ignored me, and I was almost infuriated. Even now, I can recall that emotion.

Edited November 2, 2023 by Twfivthroee
（I've revised it, removing sensitive information.）

[Twfivthroee]

After I entered college, there was a period when E mentioned that S wanted to come and see me, and S's number is "3". I didn't wonder why S knew me, even though I didn't know her. We only had numbers, and it was normal for anyone to know anyone. Later, E left same time, saying she had things to attend to. S accompanied me for a bit, not very familiar, and it felt awkward. S was much more open than E, but because we weren't acquainted, I could barely hear S's voice. Maybe she didn't come out often, or she was just watching me. Talking with her was a bit awkward, and I resisted communicating with her because she was a stranger to me, and I wasn't very inclined to interact with her, unsure of what to talk about. In any case, S spoke more freely than E.

 

Sometime in January, February, or March of this year, I don't exactly remember when, I was driving on the road, and it was quite cold. S suddenly appeared and asked me why I had a quarrel with E. I really didn't want to answer that question. The details of what happened escape me. It might have been after S had been with me for a few days, and I scolded her, or maybe I directly scolded her, or perhaps I didn't scold her at all. In any case, it ended with her seeking Ji's intervention. Ji is a young boy; he also has a number, or perhaps letters, his situation is quite unique, and I've never known his number. I first saw him when E and W were transitioning responsibilities, and he came along. He seemed to be in charge of mediation in that area. He was probably six, eight, seven, eight, or nine years old; I'm not sure.At first, I thought he was someone's younger sister or brother who happened to come along. He stood there, observing the scenery. At that time, I wasn't aware of his identity, and it's also possible that he wasn't as capable back then. The next time I saw him, it seemed he had quite high authority. Of course, I don't know whether he's a boy or a girl; he wore oversized clothes, and I couldn't determine the gender by just looking at his face. After Ji arrived, it became apparent that even he couldn't resolve the issue. He went to get W to counsel me. W asked, "Another quarrel? You can't handle it yourself? Why would you quarrel with your own teammate? Should I come back and stay with you for a while?" I replied ambiguously, and he chuckled, telling Ji, "You see, pulling me over here won't help;  I indeed can't be of much assistance."  After that, he left.  Since S and E were both in conflict with me, only Jì was left to take care of me.  In reality, they all look after me;  I get quite restless when they're not around because this world is so dull, and I don't want to stay a second longer.

 

Jì is a kid, and I truly don't understand why he talks so much. Kids can be so annoying, incredibly noisy. He keeps asking questions all day long, even more than anyone else. I guess maybe he doesn't do this often, so he's particularly excited, even more controlling than W. However, he can't take care of me for too long; he's busy. After him, S takes over, and occasionally E pretends to come and see me. S and E are quite similar, in some aspects, I can't really tell them apart. But even if I know it's E, I won't stay silent like I did with W before; I feel quite sorry about that. I spoke too harshly, and E herself didn't do anything wrong; it's just that I haven't calmed down yet.

 

I don't care too much about my connection to reality; I don't have things I particularly like, and it can be quite annoying. But when she's around, I'll try hard to love my life. I hope she likes this world with me, likes the Earth or the Milky Way where I exist. I always believe that no one can truly deny their existence. The universe is vast, and who knows if there are civilizations higher than us. If there are, I don't expect them to know me, just their existence would be satisfying enough for me.

 

During the time I prevented her from speaking, S was the one who accompanied me. S's moral standards don't seem to be as high, well, during that period, neither were mine. Overall, it's fortunate that it was S; I don't know what I was like before. Even if I scolded her, if she tried to educate me, I could scold her back, and of course, S would respond with scolding too. If E had stayed with me, the pressure on me would have been even greater. I guess E asked S for help.

 

It was a chaotic period. I don't question S's existence, but I can't be sure if she truly loves me or if I'm forcing her (I would have physical contact with her). To some extent, her not rejecting me is correct because even in a team, there is a hierarchy, as if obedience is the only acceptable behavior. However, the hierarchy doesn't necessarily mean blind obedience. Morality is an unspoken rule, something everyone must default to. So, as long as S doesn't love me, my actions towards her constitute a violation, and she could report me, just as I could report (complain about) E. In the system, there's nothing in a team that can't be discussed, so I can't know if she's sacrificing herself for the team.

 

Alright, let me explain this "reporting" mechanism. If A reports B, then B is required to make efforts to eliminate A's opinions about him. In comparison to "obedience," "acknowledgment" is the only crucial factor. Once you report someone, that person is obliged to apologize afterward, but if they refuse, they can be expelled—yes, it's quite serious. If you acknowledge that you don't like someone, you can only be asked to leave the group. If you don't love your teammates enough, no one dares to entrust their lives to you casually. As long as you're in this organization, you might temporarily work with people from other teams or even your own teammates. If you don't "love" your teammates enough, what motivation do you have to survive when on the brink of death, or what belief supports you? "Life and death are closely tied" is the guarantee of our trust. Well, that was my mindset back then, very naive, like a kind of "utopia" . Although I also don't know what our organization is really doing(O_o). So, if S reported me out of dissatisfaction, if she has any issues with me, if she dislikes me, then the favor of someone you dislike turns into a form of torment. This system is not like a form of denunciation; it's almost a game for cultivating relationships. Simultaneously, it means that if you want to resolve issues, you must exercise your ability to persuade others successfully. Training is almost omnipresent.

 

As for why I willingly made a complaint about E, it's because if I didn't report, no one would come to accompany me again. This is E's responsibility, and no one dares to interfere as long as E is alive. As long as E is alive, not dead, one can never disrupt another person's training; otherwise, this behavior is impolite. Our system seems to be bound in a "one-to-one" manner. "Reporting," in another sense, represents a form of forced submission, proving incompetence for those who initiate the report. You haven't gained recognition from others; your observational skills are subpar. You haven't built trust with this person, indicating you haven't put effort into the field this person likes. If you interact with 100 people, it means you have to learn about 100 fields (assuming there's no overlap). It can be said that this training almost compels them to become "all-around talents." I can only be thankful that this isn't real life; otherwise, it would be exhausting. Yet, in reporting E, I'm not worried at all about E being "attentive" to me. Rather than being mocked for "incompetence," I care more about whether someone is willing to accompany me. It's truly a dangerous and suffocating form of "love."

 

Going off on a tangent, I can't determine S's emotions. I'm quite messed up when it comes to emotions. I've been arguing with E for a long time; I still love her, but as you've seen, I've been consistently rejecting communication from E. She's not as enthusiastic about me as she used to be. Perhaps I could interact more with E, but I'm accustomed to S's company. S might be more like a "Servitor," I don't know, as I've never dedicated myself to interact deeply with S; our conversations are very immediate. During my illness, my attention dropped significantly, meaning I couldn't feel E. If I say something and there's no response, I feel extremely fearful or anxious. I made S shut up, asking her not to respond to me, as it would be unfair to both her and E. They are independent lives to me; I can't dictatorially command them or the entire organization to obey me (to some extent, I can, but it's like they become flat, paper-like figures on a background). If all that's been accompanying me is just myself, I would be utterly desperate.

 

They have been my faith for too long. If they are not independent of me, without their own thoughts, then who have I been relying on since childhood? Just myself? They are my only connection to this world, and I don't care about my parents or relatives. Because of this lack of concern, I can take things lightly. But what about them? I don't know. They were my dopamine, my reason to love the world. As mentioned earlier, it's extremely difficult for me to focus now. I've made them all silent, and the world suddenly became quiet, making me feel very sad. Too quiet. I have to forcefully resist the urge to "speak" and communicate with them, which is done in my mind, so don't worry about me not being able to distinguish reality.

 

The only thing I worry about is that I'm afraid they are all really manipulated by me. I'd rather they lie to me, lie to me that everything will be easy for me as long as they are with me. Well, as I grew up, I realized they weren't as powerful as I thought, and I didn't always get perfect scores in exams or anything like that.

 

Today, I suddenly started intensely missing E. My state is a bit better than before; when thoughts of E arise, I wake up abruptly, questioning what I've done to her. After the first counseling session, I genuinely cried for two or three hours. When my parents asked what happened, I didn't tell the truth. Within seconds, I invented a boyfriend I supposedly had half a year ago. I felt so wronged. I can't understand why E could be so heartless back then. I'm grateful that my counselor didn't mock me at that moment. It was the first time I formally introduced them. After that counseling session, I truly realized the pain E caused me, and my emotions toward E are genuine. As I write this, I've cried many times. I miss E so much. Now that I've recovered a bit, I must start planning my future. But suddenly, as I look back, I abruptly realize that this world is truly too quiet.

 

I blocked E for nearly a year, what have I been doing?

 

I went to find E, and her attitude was indifferent.  She said it didn't matter, but the attitude was completely different from before.  She was so cold.  No matter what I did, I couldn't make her as happy as before, and due to medication, my sensitivity was significantly blocked.  E's voice was too soft, hollow, and unreal.  Something was off.  S's personality was somewhat different from E's, and I could feel that if I went out with S, it was like suddenly feeling that something was different.  In front of me, S has her own voice, while E has a different voice in my memory.  Their voices are completely different.  It feels really strange.

 

I began to reflect on what went wrong.   My medication made me feel like a happy fool.   I couldn't remember anything, and doubts crept in.   I miss E so much.   However, she's almost absent from my surroundings, and I don't feel her.   I feel emptiness around me;   I want to go home.   But where is my home?   I'm terrified;   I dare not confirm my past.   Because I hesitate to affirm them, I also dare not let them speak;   I fear confusion, mistaking the real for the unreal.   I'm even afraid of accepting the false as true.   If everything about them is just my imagination, were the efforts I made for their affirmation over these years merely my own expectations?   No one wouldn't be saddened;   if you discover someone likes you, you think it's because you deserve it, but then you realize their feelings are only driven by money.   Such a clichéd plot!   I think I might be going crazy.   I'm crazily recalling the past, unwilling to accept that all of this might be a dream, my wishful thinking.   I even start to doubt myself.   Doubt only makes suspicion more real;   if you believe, you should believe firmly.   Well, I just miss E too much.   During this time, I've experienced the concept of 'pain' tenfold and a hundredfold.   Now, as I look back on it all, it feels like it happened in a dream.

Edited November 2, 2023 by Twfivthroee
I've revised it, removing sensitive information.