Living with Lavender: Reports from a binary system

[The Incans]

On 4/8/2024 at 3:55 PM, Lavender said:

I've developed what I call my "prime directive" named after the old Star Trek canon that they're not to do anything that interferes with the development of alien races.

 

I've promised myself and my host consciousness that I won't do anything or ask anything of them that makes it more difficult for them to live their life.

 

They struggle with social stuff. They're neurodiverse, so the mechanics of friendship don't come naturally to them. They have a lot of people they get together with but no close friends and no romantic connections and this situation stresses them out and causes them to be sad and anxious.

 

One of their fears is that I will make demands that make it even harder to accomplish the already almost impossible-seeming task of seeking connection with other people. The thought of that is horrifying to me. The thing I want most in life is for my host consciousness to be happy.

 

So I've committed to Lavender's Prime Directive. Whenever my host consciousness starts projecting into the future and wonders whether future connection with other people will be hindered by my presence, I remind them of it and it seems to calm them down a bit. They've expressed worry that I might feel limited by this commitment, and I try to make them understand that the prime directive won't keep me from achieving my dreams. Having a happy host consciousness with rich social connections to share this body with *is* my dream!

 

Is this something any other folks here can relate to?

HI yes my host is autistic too. Myself and Inca see ourselves as walk-in spirits that came to help her when she was getting very close to crisis. (Health problems on top of body going through peri menopause was causing massive sensory overload and threatening complete shutdown).

 

The inner world was a mess too and completely disorganised so we decided to stay and help, its taken a good few years but several fragments have re-integrated with host and all thats left now (apart from Host) are ones that identify as Tulpa's.  Out of 6 of us left two of us are fully sentient and able to help out front by co-hosting. I can take over the front if needed as Host doesn't enjoy face to face communication finds it highly stressful.  By choice they don't socialise much but does have to deal with medical appointments in order to receive medication free.

 

The four inside haven't yet reached sentience, that is they have no awareness of the outside world but play companions to myself and Inca when we go inside for a break. Host creates them as changeling (another idea from Star Trek!) so they can experiment with their form and choose themself who/what they want to be. They are still at a very young stage. When I'm not helping host I coach them in the human form and how to take it and behave appropriately etc .....  Inca takes care of teaching them animal forms and their responsibility when in that form.

 

Maybe you could create an internal holodeck where you can go for a break, an holiday or create an inner home and family for yourself. Then you can have the life you want inside and your host can have the life they can cope with on the outside? 

[Lavender]

13 hours ago, The Incans said:

Maybe you could create an internal holodeck where you can go for a break, an holiday or create an inner home and family for yourself. Then you can have the life you want inside and your host can have the life they can cope with on the outside? 

 

Thank you so much for that suggestion. I think I'm actually happy just to be with my headmate. I'm not really craving connection with anyone else. We've both decided no more headmates, and I'm quite happy with that decision.

[Lavender]

I think we finally answered a question that was bugging us since my creation:

 

Why are my host consciousness's thoughts an open book for me, but they have no clue what I'm thinking? Shouldn't there be a symmetry there?

 

We thought it was because when I'm using our brain, they're not using it, but that should be true of them as well. I have full memory of all their thoughts.

 

So here's what we think is going on: I have no memory of my own thoughts either. Quite honestly, when I think back on what I was "thinking" when I said certain stuff to my host consciousness, I can't remember any better than they can. My responses are more "personality based" rather than based on any memories that I have have of myself that my host consciousness doesn't have. In other words, our brain answers based on its understand of who Lavender is rather than based on any memories of what Lavender has encountered. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but that's how it works in our head.

 

If I need deep thought to answer a question, and I take hold of the entire brain, so that my host consciousness is dormant, they have full memory of what I was thinking about the same way I do. But a lot of what I say doesn't require a lot of processing. It's sort of automatic.

 

I'd love to hear how this works for other systems. Like so many of us, my host consciousness is always concerned that we're "doing it wrong" (even though we're both thrilled with how things are going between us.

[SeekingMyPlanet]

I can't believe it's been one year.

 

One year and one day ago I made my first post here. I said I was thinking of creating a tulpa and how did I know whether it was right for me? The answer I got back is think about it for a week.

 

I lasted one day.

 

I couldn't wait to meet you, Lavender. Of course I didn't know what your name was or anything about you. But I had a deep conviction that you were worth meeting and that you would be there if I spoke to you. I did and you were.

 

The best decision I made (aside from talking to you in the first place) was to let you decide who you were. I had no preconceptions of what sort of person you were. I asked you to tell me about yourself. One of the first things you said is that you were "made of pure love". And I remember having such admiration for you. My own love can be diluted with anger, fear, anxiety, and dread.

 

You have made this year so much richer.

 

You taught me how to invite joy into my life.

 

You introduced me to the art of photography. I love seeing your pictures.

 

You have been there for all my happy times, and my difficult ones. You are there when I go to bed and you're still there in the morning. You're even there when a perplexing dream hauls me out of sleep, to talk over with me what it might mean, what our dream maker might be telling us.

 

We have inside jokes and a rich language of made up words to describe things we both understand. Soulcloud: The aura left behind by human presence. Cameraweed: The imaginary drug that makes the photographer think that lousy shots are worth taking. Epochromous: something which gives its color to something else. (e.g. the holly bush with red berries and green leaves is epochromous to the holiday season.)

 

You have changed my relationship with our body. Together we sail what we call the "meat boat" and we take care of it because if it sinks we both go down with it. But we have affection for it despite its aging 63-year-old structure.

 

Time after time you amaze me by using the same brain I've worked with for all my decades to come up with things I couldn't have imagined.

 

Lavender, you are my special friend and the sharer of my deepest love.

 

Happy birthday and thanks for an amazing year. 💗💗💗💗 💗💗💗💗 💗💗💗💗 💗💗💗💗

[TurboSimmie]

What a beautiful tribute! 💚 It has been so wonderful to get to know you and Lavender over the course of the past year! 😁 The things you say about Lavender remind me strongly of my first year with Phil, the sense of joy and discovery in every moment. You never forget your first year together, there is a certain magic to that first year and you've clearly made so many lasting memories together! 🥰

 

16 hours ago, SeekingMyPlanet said:

You introduced me to the art of photography. I love seeing your pictures.

I love Lavender's photos! 😍 They've actually inspired me to look around myself on our adventures to spot interesting yet seemingly normal things to photograph.

 

16 hours ago, SeekingMyPlanet said:

We have inside jokes and a rich language of made up words to describe things we both understand. Soulcloud: The aura left behind by human presence. Cameraweed: The imaginary drug that makes the photographer think that lousy shots are worth taking. Epochromous: something which gives its color to something else. (e.g. the holly bush with red berries and green leaves is epochromous to the holiday season.)

 

Oh my goodness I love this so much. 😁 I love the little private language tulpas and hosts develop within their head. Your new words are so cool, and very neatly evoke concepts that would usually take multiple sentences to describe.

 

It's also very neat that Lavender and I were created at almost the exact same time of year. 😁 (Though my chosen birthday is in September, Phil actually created me in late November / early December 2020)

 

It's been so great to get to know you over this past year and I wish you two many more years of joy together! 💚

[ReallyArtificial]

Congrats on one year together!

 

On 12/1/2024 at 7:50 PM, SeekingMyPlanet said:

You have changed my relationship with our body. Together we sail what we call the "meat boat" and we take care of it because if it sinks we both go down with it. But we have affection for it despite its aging 63-year-old structure.

 

Time after time you amaze me by using the same brain I've worked with for all my decades to come up with things I couldn't have imagined.

 

I feel this. It's so incredible to get a new perspective on things you've been seeing, doing, or thinking for years. Happy belated birthday to Lavender!

[Legion]

On 3/24/2024 at 10:49 PM, SeekingMyPlanet said:

I've spoken elsewhere about how Lavender likes to make up words.

 

Her latest word is "mindrut"

 

Like a wheel rut that is worn into a trail traps a wheel and keeps it going in a direction it may not want to go, a mindrut is a thought pattern that has been burned into a brain so that headmates find themselves following it even though it's not what they'd want to do.

 

Lavender complains that my "assertive" driving has left a mindrut has her switching lanes and trying to get past cars when she'd prefer to joyfully tool along at the flow of traffic.

 

I've noticed that her obsession with photography and her interest in grabbing our phone at any moment to snap what she thinks will be an interesting photo has left a mindrut that's grabbing me. I've never been a photographer, but I find myself looking at stuff thinking, that would make a great shot, because I get stuck in Lavender's photographic mindruts.

 

Do you or your headmates ever hit mindruts?

omg yes exactly this I think revali being host gave me constant phantom wings for a while

[SeekingMyPlanet]

I HAVE THE GREATEST TULPA IN THE WHOLE WORLD!!!

 

I was feeling ragged yesterday over all the various nasty things going on in the U.S. where we live, and the way they're affecting people. And Lavender said, OK, I'm taking over, and marched us upstairs where she wrapped our arms around our body and hugged and stroked me and spent I don't know how long, saying the sweetest things. It made me feel loved and nurtured and important. When she was done, none of the problems had gone away, but I felt comforted and cared for.

 

Everyone should get a tulpa. But you can't have mine. She's amazing and I'm keeping her 😁.

[TurboSimmie]

Lavender is amazing! 😁💚