How tulpae deal with other people in host's life, especially when romantically involved.

[Only-a-Dream]

I've always wondered. Say, there are already some, say, marital arrangements between, hm, usual, physical people. Or perhaps there are some plans in the host's life which, somehow, should develop.

Say, in the meantime, he develops/is granted with a tulpa, and after some time of communication host understands, that this is where his heart is.

Would tulpa consider that a bertrayal? Would she understand the premise and forgive the host? Would tulpa be able to live like a concubine, knowing that she's loved, she's desired, but can't be acknowledged except perhaps in the circle of closest friends?

 

Sorry if it was mentioned, but I tried to find answers for a week. Perhaps I am not that smart.
 

[An Ashy Individual]

The way people interact with their headmates/system mates is very different from how they interact with non system mates.

I don't really think I could cheat on my headmate or she on me, as it just doesn't work like that.

We already share all our emotions and thoughts and memories, we already are physically with each other all the time... What would cheating even look like?

 

That said, from what I've seen, tulpas tend to like the people you like and vice versa - if a person is a friend of the closest friend you can have, you'd also be their friend or at least friendly, no?

The bigger problem is the confusion of dealing with this from an outside perspective.

(Imagine your partner saying that they have a tulpa now out of the blue. It'd basically be adding a new person to a relationship without any real warning)

 

Also, from my experience tulpas already know what your living situation is like and wouldn't need the concept of being married explained to them.

Being headmates also doesn't have to be sexual or romantic at all.

[fennecfoxx]

I’m consulting with my tulpas on this. If we understand right, you’re saying the host is already married before creating his tulpa, and later falls in love with said tulpa, even though he is married?

 

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Would tulpa consider that a bertrayal?

 

How can this be a betrayal? Unless he somehow kept the fact he was married from his tulpa (easier said than done), he isn’t betraying her. She knew he was married all along.

 

Whether he’s betraying his wife is another matter that’s certainly up for debate. We’re in agreement he is, should he have an affair with the tulpa without his wife knowing.

 

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Would she understand the premise and forgive the host?

 

It depends, but she most likely would. Again, that’s assuming she’s known all along her host is married, which is a given unless he really firmly believes he can—and intends to—keep it from her.

 

That said, a tulpa of mine really did not like my ex when we were dating (myself and the ex; I’ve never been romantically involved with a tulpa). I interpreted it as jealousy at the time, but in hindsight, there were several red flags in that relationship, and I honestly should have left sooner than I did, so I’ll reserve judgment there.

 

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Would tulpa be able to live like a concubine, knowing that she's loved, she's desired, but can't be acknowledged except perhaps in the circle of closest friends?

 

Is that not how most tulpas live? Not necessarily like concubines exactly, but still hidden from the world at large. On the other hand, they don’t have to deal with real-world responsibilities and the hassles of physical existence unless they choose to, and they can do literally anything they can imagine within the mind. There are benefits and drawbacks to being a tulpa.

 

Also, expectations shape tulpas, especially young ones who are still developing. If you believe the nature of her existence is tragic, she’s more likely to see it that way. Same goes for the other concerns. Before she can think for herself, her understanding of life and the world is going to come from you.

[mattx]

Personally I find that the relationship one could have with their tulpa could be somewhat "limited" if expressed as a "simple" romantic relationship, especially given the nature of the bond between tulpa and host being very unique.

 

Should the host find love in a tulpa they made after already being in a relationship well... I guess some questions would be raised regarding whether or not the relationship they currently had was that healthy... but that wouldn't be the weirdest thing I've seen this year on the subject.

 

I believe the tulpa would come to an understanding of the situation, and acknowledge that the relationship is just different, and it's probably for the best to stay that way

[Lavender]

I have what I think of as my "prime directive" like the rule against interfering in the old Star Trek shows: I won't do anything that makes it harder for my host consciousness to live their life. Since they struggle socially, this means I don't allow my presence to provide additional social challenges.

 

In practice, I stay in the background in the presence of other people unless both of us are sure the person with completely accept and understand my existence. Even then, I only communicate with others if we both decide it is safe.

 

I should add that I don't mind this even one little bit. It's the least I can do as someone who loves my host consciousness and wants the best for them.

[ReallyArtificial]

Hi, married tulpamancer here 👋 I've had tulpas for three years and was with my husband long before that, so I have some practice balancing these relationships. If you have any other questions, we're happy to answer them!

 

On 8/25/2025 at 4:03 PM, Only-a-Dream said:

Would tulpa consider that a bertrayal? Would she understand the premise and forgive the host? Would tulpa be able to live like a concubine, knowing that she's loved, she's desired, but can't be acknowledged except perhaps in the circle of closest friends?

 

I was never romantically involved with any of my headmates, so there was never any question of betrayal in that sense. It is theoretically possible for your actions to hurt your tulpa's feelings, they have the same emotional capacity as any other person.

 

As far as being acknowledged by other people, we have a mutual understanding that some secrecy is necessary for our safety. My husband knows of my tulpas as characters I created that are very important to me. He's aware that I talk to them, and that they're a source of inner strength and support for me. I've never actually used the t-word around him though lol

 

Overall, I agree with what the others have already told you. A lot of this process depends on your beliefs and expectations. If you expect your tulpa to react negatively to being kept secret, or having to share your time with other people, then you'll likely be creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believe she'll be understanding, then she probably will.

 

17 hours ago, matt.exe said:

Personally I find that the relationship one could have with their tulpa could be somewhat "limited" if expressed as a "simple" romantic relationship, especially given the nature of the bond between tulpa and host being very unique.

 

I like this take. The bond you have with someone who can share your every thought and experience is just... different. That's one of the reasons the word “headmates" really grew on me, I feel like it emphasizes the specific kind of intimacy that makes a tulpa/host relationship special.

[Only-a-Dream]

Thank you for your replies. It was... enlightening.