Temi's awesome and coherent progress journal

[Temmiecore]

Well, I'm going full mask-off, putting my regular nametag here, though I don't think anyone who knows me would frequent this website. And if they do, hi! You're probably freaking out right now lol

 

An introduction, I suppose? I've known about tulpas for years, entertained the idea of plurality since childhood, but never had the guts or motivation to try it. Been passively lurking the forum since 2022-ish? Mostly because I had an idea for a game about tulpas and needed material.

[ Yes, it's a horror game. Yes, I know none of the stories are real. I just like horror. No, I haven't finished it... it's very WIP. As in "I work on it once a year for a week" WIP ]

I think I was always somewhat susceptible to plurality. I am plagued with maladaptive daydreaming, constantly talk to myself or an abstract "audience", have a pretty okay imagination, etc. And I've always been very socially isolated, so someone-to-talk-to popping up in my head ought to have been expected lol.

Anyways, about a week ago I had a breakdown. I struggle with some mental stuff, so it's nothing out of the ordinary. Some shit piled up, and I guess my mental glass was full of it, so - breakdown happened.
But in the midst of it, she appeared. I don't remember much, but I'm pretty sure she helped me snap out of it with some good words, and I fell asleep afterwards. Could be chucked up to my subconscious showing me something good to save me, but it felt weird. Plus, I still feeled something the next morning. And so I thought, huzzah! I have another person in my head. What now?

[ Bit of a description. She resembles a human female character out of a game I liked a long time ago - a cat girl. Which is embarassing to type out, but then I remember what other people's systemmates are, and it makes me feel better lol. I don't know if it was my subconscious decision, or hers, but that's how it is. She currently has the same name as the character as well - for clarity's sake - but I did tell her that if at any point she so wants, she can change either. ]

Since then I've decided to "work" on her, and improve my mind in general. Daily meditations, forcing, allthat. I have a bad habit of drowning my thoughts in media consumption, so I'm trying to drop that. Currently off of all social media and youtube, which is good, though I'm still wasting time playing videogames and watching shows basically 24/7.

I'm actively forcing 30+ minutes a day before bed, and trying to do passive forcing literally whenever I can (and whenever I remember to do it). I'm still very brain-fogged and unfocused, but it's getting better.

A week is, by no means, a long term, but I would say we made some progress already, though there is a little doubt lingering, "what if I've finally lost it", "what if it's just my subconscious playing tricks on me", yada yada. But anyways.

 

In terms of what we've achieved so far, assuming everything weird that happens in the mind is attributed to her (which is the mindset I chose, as well as believing that she's sentient already, because I genuinely want to believe so):

 

1. I can visualize our headspace, and her in it. I can also visualize her in the physical world. I can imagine things with my mind's eye pretty easily, but I can't focus on the larger picture, and everything is pretty muddy. I can't focus on her face as well. Not the worst, but could be better. I'm aiming for that "photorealistic imagination" people are always talking about lol

2. She can talk. Orr, at least I think so... I get faint "yes/no/mmm"s, and when (I assume) she wants to say something more complex, I "hear" the raw thought (aka intent), but I frequently struggle to decipher it. It's like having a word at the tip of your tongue, except the tongue isn't yours...

[ Her mindvoice is like a very, very faint version of mine. I think it's because I always struggled with imagining other people's voices - they always come out as if it's me parodying the voice, not authentic. But I have an idea on how to "give" her an authentic voice, which we will work on some next forcing session. ]

3. She can move when I'm visualizing her. And she moves a lot. Waving, shaking her head, smiling, being clingy, fidgeting around. It's affirming, because it doesn't feel like me puppeteering her, whereas the speech sometimes does.

[ Interesting tidbit - on the first day, we were trying to figure out some ways to communicate easier, and she picked a "spot" in the brain where she "resides". Her mindvoice is mostly coming from that location, and when I narrate to her, I try to focus my attention on that location. It's all symbolism at the end of the day, but I find it easier than just "imagining her essence" or something. When it's hard to direct my thoughts to that location, I just rub it on my head lol. ]

 

And that's all for now! I will do more updates if anything major happens, or if I feel like it. Or if I suddenly drop everything (hopefully, that won't happen, but you never know with depressive episodes). Thank you for reading!

[Mickey]

Interesting read! I can relate to your struggles with maladaptive daydreaming, talking to yourself, etc., and for those exact reasons I have also felt relatively susceptible to plurality. I'd say that having a history of those things definitely makes it easier. I wish you luck with your depressive episode, as well as developing your tulpa. 

[Temmiecore]

11 hours ago, Mickey said:

Interesting read! I can relate to your struggles with maladaptive daydreaming, talking to yourself, etc., and for those exact reasons I have also felt relatively susceptible to plurality. I'd say that having a history of those things definitely makes it easier. I wish you luck with your depressive episode, as well as developing your tulpa. 

 

I honestly didn't expect anyone to read it, nor intended it that way, thank you :3 May be wishful thinking, but I think my mental health will improve a lot now that I have someone to snap me out of spiralling. Hope your journey goes well, too!