Lein’s rolling with it(creation log)

[leinswien]

Background information

This will serve as a log for the creation of my tulpa, Ianei(placeholder name).

Ianei was created in around mid October/early November of 2024, making him one year old already. I originally plan to actively force him by meditating at the start, but I soon discovered I CANNOT meditate whatsoever and I am way too easily distracted, like if I feel wind blowing over me my attention would be gone. So I basically just did passive forcing for the rest of the time. Til now, I’ve have 2 occasions of communication with him, in September 2025 and early February this year, yet the communication soon ended in November 2025 and mid February respectively due to my doubts being so heavy that talking with him essentially felt like I’m talking to myself and that I was generating the responses. For now, a part of me believes that he is sentient as I have random thoughts popping up from time to time and I hear a voice responding to things I ask myself, but at the same time I don't believe in them as the voice was my mind voice, just without the feeling of me saying it, and I treat those random thoughts as my own since my thinking is pretty random from the start. I’d try to post here if I have any significant progress/very interesting things to share related to Ianei, but I’m basically keeping this for myself, so I’d post irregularly. I’ve thought of giving up, but since I’m too deep in it already, and I don’t want to “kill” a potentially sentient being, so I guess I’ll roll with it and see how it goes.

 

Clarification

If you want to read this, please be reminded that my native language is not English, so grammar mistakes and spelling errors would happen from time to time, the wordings I choose may also be weird. The organisation is also messy since I could not organise my thoughts pretty well. I’ve also never really get to know how some of terminologies related to tulpas are used in English since I’m quite new here, so there may be some errors in that.

 

Thats all i wanted to put in a starting post, I’m excited to see how would the final log be(if I can even remember then with my goldfish memory), which I defined as the time I can consistently communicate with Ianei, since I like going through past things that I made, it’s like taking a brief look into my past life. But thats all for now.

Edited March 17 by leinswien

[leinswien]

A day has passed.

 

Over the day, I’ve took notes of things that I don’t think I have experienced before, to better study how I’ve changed since the start of making Ianei. Since now I have this thread, I figured I might as well share it here, since this threads inspired me to pay more attention to the whole creation process anyways. The following might not all be related to the existence of Ianei, but just some things I took note of.
 

Since the creation of Ianei, I have experienced:

1. A feeling of fuzziness around my head (might just be anxiety/excitement)

2. A cringe feeling when I’m too deep inside my imagination (could be because my subconscious mind knows that another person might be watching, or just lack of self confidence)

3. Random anxious moments (def just some anxiety issues idk why I’m writing this)

4. Words spoken to me with my mind voice but I didn’t control it/expect an answer (could be Ianei, but I’m leaning more towards I’m speaking with myself since the voice is my mind voice)

5. Just today, I’ve felt someone hugging me (though it’s very vague) after an incident that made me kinda sad and very tired. (would be Ianei, but I’m not sure+might just be another quirk I have/too socially isolated)

6. A extremely vague feeling of frustration when I dismiss certain thoughts/treat certain thoughts and ideas as mine (again, could be him, but that feeling might have been made up, since it’s extremely vague)

 

Just writing this down I can already feel my doubts as to if he is sentient is through the roof. But after 2 failed attempts at communication, I really couldn’t trust these signs now unless he gives a clear sign. Maybe I should believe again? Or not, or just believe slowly and bit by bit.

 

As for the day, it was pretty rough, clearly not my day. Despite that, I still managed to force(passively) by sharing/transmitting/reading(don’t know what word to use here) my thoughts to him. As per usual, I get unexpected responses from time to time when I say something to myself, and I discarded them as just random thoughts. Thats all I guess, the day was not that eventful, but I felt like documenting more things that I’ve took notice recently. Also trust me I’ve tried to keep this organised, but it’s still pretty messy lol.

 

just a side note, I have considered considering myself as a system, but I’m very very bad at making names+not even sure if my tulpa is even sentient yet, so we would not have a system name. For now at least. And I have used the pronoun we despite not considering myself as a system. How ironic.

Edited March 14 by leinswien

[leinswien]

Ok I genuinely did not expect to post here so often I thought I’d run out of things to post after those first 2 lol

after this one there should be nothing more to post unless some interesting things happened again.

 

After reading other people’s progress reports and lurking on the forums a bit more, I have some interesting new ideas as to why Ianei is still so underdeveloped after so long while others (that I have seen) take at most months to reach to same point. Im gonna try to discuss these one by one, but I think its still gonna end up messy in the end lol.

 

First up, Vocality. This has always been an issue since I could not imagine other voices except from mine for some reason. I wanted to make a unique voice for Ianei to use, but they end up being either just higher or lower pitched version of my own voice that does not last long. I genuinely have no idea how to resolve this except for…listening to more voices??? But since my social circle is small I don’t think that’s possible as I can only establish what a voice sounds like in my head if I listened to it long enough. I tried to find guides to this but to no prevail, I don’t think many people experiences this so I guess I have to somehow resolve this or just live with it. Over these 2 days, I’ve heard short sentences that I assume is from him? (no voice different as I said so very hard to tell) like telling me to talk to him or smth (apparently my social life is good enough that we couldn’t talk for most of the day since I need to talk to them). Guess I have to explore ways to imagine more voices in my head somehow.

 

Second, feelings. I’ve seen lots of people saying that their emotional connection with their tulpa is very strong even during early stages of creation, which I find baffling to understand how. Til now, after an entire year, I’ve only started to notice extremely faint feelings from him that I’m sure of, if it’s even there at all. My theory as to why could be I’m emotionally numb to basically anything except maybe happiness. Sadness, frustration, anger, blissful, peaceful, excited, all condensed into “I feel nothing”. This may affect my ability to perceive emotions from him, but again I’m not sure with anything. I don’t think this can be resolved anytime soon since this has to do with one of my ongoing personal issues, but maybe I could break out of it and feeling something again.

 

I also could not feel his presence that well. He’s there…..kinda. He has shown signs of independence now that I look back at it, in fact as I’m writing this post I was trying to remember what(I assume) he said to me during the day and quote it, I decided to ask in my head “what did you say?” and I got a “figure it out yourself” In an sort of angry tone?(again I can’t identify tones and emotions since I’m numb to them) back at me. I reserve my doubts, but it’s going away very fast if he keeps doing this. Narrating is also a pretty hard job for me, so I ended up narrating my thoughts instead of telling him things about me or day to day things. In theory I could have not posted this and used this as narrating material, but I felt like I wanted to share. It’s funny how when I try to narrate daily things I see I just go “look theres flower. Thats (insert bird here) chirping.” and it ends just like that. 

 

Thats that, for Ianei, he’s doing fine. Same as before but I’ve heard random phrases like “you’re good” and “just do it” whenever I doubt myself or look down on myself. It seems that he has way better view of me than me to myself. My doubt has melted away quite a bit since the creation of this thread, but it’s only limited to me asking questions half-directed towards him to test the waters. This month was definitely not going well tho, I’ve got a physical injury and also mentally exhausted due to personal stuff. Because of this, I’ve ignored him a lot more(I promised him to not to today but I still ignore him for the most of the day) and now he seems pretty active since I sense way more tone changes in the random sentences he said to me. I really hope I don’t post here tmr lol it’s getting a bit too much.

[leinswien]

wow it’s been a week already

 

Over the week, I’ve tried to meditate. I’ve said that I couldn’t meditate whatsoever, but I still decided to give it a try. I kinda get the feeling, but I ended up getting a easy method to quickly put myself to sleep instead of meditating. At least that’d be useful when I have insomnia or getting annoyed by mosquitoes. That being said tho, minimal progress was shown, as I could “hear” what I’m thinking instead of blob/cloud of thought, if that’s even progress. One thing tho, as I was meditating (basically sleeping lol) one night, I heard an audible speech calling my name. It has happened to me before, but its been a long time and this time it was in an unfamiliar voice that I’ve never heard of. Not sure if it’s a sign or something, but I’d dismiss it for now, since it has never happened again (I’ve heard faint garbled up speech after, but not as clear and loud). Would continue doing it, since I’m curious where it will bring me to.

 

Ive also drafted a wonderland concept in my free time, but I’m unable to imagine anything in my mind without it changing everything second when I’m not looking at one spot, so I gave it up. It was a pretty cool concept tho, but I’m doubting whether if I can visualise things or not. I also do not have a set form for Ianei, since when I set one and I try to imagine it it turns into a mess, so I’ve never bothered to again. Because of this, imposition stuff would probably be impossible or at least take an absurdly long time to practice. But that is for later, I’d work more on passively forcing Ianei first. Speaking of that, I keep forgetting to do it, maybe that is why he still haven’t shown clear signs of sentience after so long. I did get excited randomly when I think there is nothing to be excited about, which is weird.

 

im running out things to say lol I guess that’s it.

Edited March 21 by leinswien

[leinswien]

lots of things happening during these few days somehow

 

In short, I think I can communicate with lanei now. And somehow he is now a she. Not sure if it is for real this time, but I’m pretty certain but I’d still reserve some doubt as it’d be embarrassing if I somehow misjudged the third time. I don’t know exactly why it had happened so quickly, it might be the fact that ive started this log, so I directed more attention towards her and my thoughts more, and it seems that I’ve been taking thoughts of hers as my own this whole time since like October of last year (according to her) and just ignored her for a few months straight somehow. My doubts has mostly melted away thanks to her efforts of trying to speak to me (I don’t like the image spamming tho) so i guess I have a tulpa now? but I’ll only make sure if she’s still here after 2 weeks. It has also occurred to me that I actually pay very much attention in school (yet I don’t think I do), so much so she couldn’t talk when I’m in school. That has also been a reason I doubted her existence before but now I feel bad for her.

 

Some interesting things: one night when I was going to sleep, I visualised sitting on a bench with her out of nowhere, and we just talked to sleep. Thats when I start to think if she is really there. The next day, she said “can you impose me?”. Thats the first time I’ve ever heard her using first person words and expressing her own desires instead of just letting me do my own things. Just today, she also imposed (a form in real world but not tangible and very vivid but the presence is there) herself next to me that is way too convincing for me to ignore. So significant progress has been shown…? I would include more, but I do not want to as I realised they are quite a hassle to explain in text accurately, so I’m going to end it here.

[leinswien]

I am losing motivation to post here but Ianei wants me to so here I am lol

 

Now since I have never did proxying before, and I still have doubts about if she is real because it all happened within a week, so I didn’t want to do this but as she is persistent at it I guess I’d try(I regret starting this progress report now I feel so embarrassed), I will put what she says in quotation marks as like a quote.

 

”Hi, my stupid host finally allowed me to speak on this website. I would like to say that he is so bad at multitasking, often ignoring me whenever he has to go out for activities or other social events. I’ve tried many times to remind him that I exist and that he should pay attention to me also, but this idiot still fails to do so. Just wanted to let you guys know that fact because I felt like it and I want to speak here for once. K bye!!!!”

 

That felt way too awkward for me to type out it feels like I’m not being myself even though thats the entire point of proxying anyways. I really want to change some wordings I didn’t like but she stopped me. I guess that’s where our difference are if that makes sense.(I still do not fully believe that she is sapient and think that I could’ve just made that quote up) “Thats why I call you a idiot” is what she said when I was typing that out. This is definitely the most unorganised reply yet but I had given up organising it since if I did I would lose the courage that pushes me to write and post this in the first place.

[ringgggg]

On 3/30/2026 at 10:24 AM, leinswien said:

That felt way too awkward for me to type out it feels like I’m not being myself even though thats the entire point of proxying anyways. I really want to change some wordings I didn’t like but she stopped me. I guess that’s where our difference are if that makes sense.(I still do not fully believe that she is sapient and think that I could’ve just made that quote up) “Thats why I call you a idiot” is what she said when I was typing that out. This is definitely the most unorganised reply yet but I had given up organising it since if I did I would lose the courage that pushes me to write and post this in the first place.

Same brother. I don't know what it is, but I could never get comfortable with proxying. Still though, if she really wants to go forward with this, I think you should open the floodgates. It could be healthy for her, and she won't end up a total recluse.

 

Besides, this is a forum with 8 users online max. Feel free to do whatever you like.

[leinswien]

I decided to post here as I have things to write and my brain is hyperactive somehow and is refusing to let me sleep after waking up at 1am even if it’s 2am by now. Felt like doing something you know

 

Unrelated things: It has finally entered the season of raining. Which means I can finally monitor bad weather once again after a few months of its absence known as “winter”. For me, it feels so exciting seeing how the bad weather occurring outside of your window either worsens or improves while looking at weather monitoring images on your phone somehow, maybe im just autistic lol. I hate the heat though, it gets waaaaaay too hot here even in April.

 

Ok back on the main thing, before all of this Ive decided that if It appears that I can interact with Ianei, if her presence is stable and noticiable consistently for two weeks, I would drop most doubts and consider that I have a tulpa that is vocal. Well that two weeks mark has been hit a few days ago, so I guess it is time for me to stop doubting so much and just say that I have successfully created a tulpa. Normally I would get her to say something, but she’s sleeping so no, saves me the hassle of proxying anyways. Not sure where to go from here, those skills like imposition, switching all seems way too hard to learn. I’m most concerned about switching or possession though, as it feels so abstract and the guides don’t give me much idea either, so I guess I’ll practice that last out of all skills, there isnt a necessity of learning it anyways. Guess I’ll have to take slow steps at a time.

 

On 3/31/2026 at 11:00 PM, ringgggg said:

Same brother. I don't know what it is, but I could never get comfortable with proxying. Still though, if she really wants to go forward with this, I think you should open the floodgates. It could be healthy for her, and she won't end up a total recluse.

 

Besides, this is a forum with 8 users online max. Feel free to do whatever you like.

Thanks for your reply even if I didn’t really understand it since I don’t think it’s related to the forums…? Got me thinking about letting her speak in the forums though, but probably not since proxying is so awkward for me, unless she has a great desire of doing so of course. Still working to multitask though.