I may have had Walk-In Tulpas in the past, and I want them back

[BugsNErrors]

Hello, you can call me by my username Bugs or Aiden (he/him). I have never used a forum for anything really (nor much social media), so sorry if I come off as ranting or something adjacent. I would also like to emphasize that I am not entirely sure that they are tulpae, as there are some distinct differences between what people describe and what I had, but they seem similar enough to be connected in some way. This will also be some sort of "life story", as this goes back pretty far, so lets start from the beginning.

 

Back when I was around 12 to 13 or so, I got really depressed, and that was when it kinda all started. I don't fully remember how exactly it started out (for context, I am currently 19), but after a while, there where other conscious beings living with me in my head. I could never find out exactly what they were. I knew I didn't have schizophrenia nor DID, but it was the most similar thing I had heard of that I could link it to. If I include myself as the core of the system, there were 9 in total, but this is where the deviations from traditional tulpae come in. I will list out the differences now:

1. None of them where entirely different people, but instead different versions of myself.

2. While they all had at least some sort of physical difference from myself, I could never physically see them, but instead I threw ideas of what they looked like into the open until I felt a sort of "correctness" feeling.

3. They each have an overarching purpose/set of ideals. None of them had names either, but instead were referenced to by their purpose/ideals.

4. Some had multiple forms, which I have come to call "stages", as their resemblance to me gets smaller as they get more emotional, advancing to their further stages.

5. None of them could directly talk, but instead would inject their own thoughts into my train of thought. If I focused, I could "think their thoughts" for a lack of a better term that I know of.

 

These different selves didn't provide companionship, but rather inspirations, motivations, different perspectives, and the like. They made me whole, and I didn't fully realize that until I started taking medication to suppress them.

 

I always considered myself to have a strong will, nor have I ever been very open with my emotions, so it took my family a couple of years to realize that I was depressed and had some other underlying issue, and when they did find out, I got into therapy. Around this time I was 16, so I had been with these "tulpae" for a couple of years. The main issue with having these tulpae was that not all of them were positive. I will now list out the different ideals of the different selves:

1. Me, the core of it all.

2. The Social one. Gave me a lot of my drive to be social.

3. The Creative one. Gave me a lot of good ideas that have been stashed away in docs. Loved to daydream of fantasy scenarios.

4. The Workaholic one. He let me enter flow-state pretty much as soon as I started working on something, whether it was a project or an actual job.

5. The Love-Dovey one. Loved to daydream about love-related things, especially since I have never in my life loved someone romantically.

6. The Empty one. Didn't think much, but instead was an uneasy-like calm (usually associated with the image of TV static).

7. The Narcissistic one. Real egotistical maniac, this one. If I played a game, he liked to poke his head and claim that I was the best around.

8. The Harm Self one. Loved the idea of making myself suffer, bringing me a bone-deep feeling of satisfaction whenever I saw my own blood or cuts (only did self-harm once, and it was very tame; not gonna happen again in the near future).

9. The Harm Others one. The main reason why I wanted my other selves suppressed. Whenever I got irritated at someone, he would push daydreams of brutally murdering the person that irritated me into the forefront of my mind.

 

I want them all back, except the last one if possible, but until I heard about tulpae, I had no idea how.

 

When I started my therapy, I eventually got a psychiatrist as well, who prescribed me medications that suppressed my other selves. Over time, I came to realize that they are a part of me, and by suppressing them, I lost a part of myself. So, about 3 months back, I stopped taking my medication cold turkey. After a couple of days, I realized that I should have weened of, but it was too late at that point. After a week, there was no difference. After a total of 6 weeks (meaning the medication was definitely out of my system), there was not a single change from being off the medication. After I told my psychiatrist about quitting my meds, she prescribed me with a different medication, which is still yet to make any difference (odds are it's because of my ADHD, which I will be getting officially diagnosed for soon).

 

After I heard about tulpas, I was so glad to have finally found something adjacent to what I had, and even happier when I heard that they can disappear, and could be brought back. I am yet to fully look at any guides, but instead decided to post, mainly to see if what I had was indeed something adjacent to tulpae. If anyone has any questions or advice, I would love to hear it.

[fennecfoxx]

They don't sound like tulpas to me, mainly because 1) you describe them as versions/parts of yourself and 2) they appeared (split from you?) spontaneously. I recommend reading about median systems/medianhood, which may be closer to your experience. I'd also recommend talking with your therapist about bringing them back and why you want to.

 

I'm not sure if there's any definitive method to bring back headmates, but my advice on that front would be to get into a focused state, imagine yourself with them in the headspace (a blank void also works), start talking to them, and be open for a reply. Alternatively, use symbolism: go on a journey to find them, imagine where they've been and pay them a visit, whatever.

 

Personally, I find isochronic tones or binaural beats + rain sounds + quiet instrumental music + darkness ideal for really delving into the mind, but YMMV. Also, if you can incorporate anything that used to trigger them to appear or that you associate with them, do that. Especially if you're using symbolism, personalize it to each one as much as you can so those associations get triggered.

 

Good luck!

[BugsNErrors]

Hello! Hearing what you said as well as reading up on the links, I have to agree with you, I definitely had a median system. I'll probably still hang around here, but it is very nice to have a name for it. Thanks!