A study with Scarlet

[cyan]

Alright, I guess I'll just do this, then.

 

My life is a bit of a mess, but not horrible. I'm 17 and I'm a high school student, or was, since I dropped out with the intention of finding other ways to earn credits and graduate. I have, mostly, but I still need to kind of piece everything together. I'm mostly held back by my lack of social skills, and of motivation, but it seems having a tulpa may actually help with both.

 

I began forming my tulpa on December 16, which means it's been five days since I started. I had already read a bunch of the guides before I started, so I guess I knew what I was doing. Kinda.

 

 

On day one, I started narrating, and I chose the name Scarlet. I already narrate everything to myself anyway, a habit I picked up years ago, so it was just a matter of directing it at someone. I believed she was sentient right from the start, like a bunch of people said. I had the idea to have her form as a dragon, so I imagined a dragon following me everywhere. It seemed easy enough. Towards the end of the day, I started getting responses in the form of random thoughts. I thought for sure tulpas didn't become vocal that fast, so I just ignored them and went to sleep.

 

 

On the second day, I made the wonderland:cool:. I just made a house and a garden behind it, with the intention of going inside the house. However, I've always found that I can never imagine myself going through doors. Whenever I try, I become larger than the doorway and I can't fit. So we just lay in the grass and looked up at the sky.

(More recently, Scarlet suggested imaging the other side of the door whenever I'm stuck. It worked.)

 

I had a hard time visualizing her face, so I got a clever idea. I made a treehouse with drawers around the inside, and put it in the center of the garden. Then, I took a picture of her face with one of those cameras that print the the picture, and I put it in one of the drawers. She put something in one of them as well. I think it may have been a secret, so I haven't looked yet.

 

At the end of the day, I decided to try playing the piano while forcing. It seemed like a good idea, since I often daydream while playing. Anyway, while forcing, she started to say things, just random words. I thought that was impossible, even with everything that I've read about believing in your tulpa, so I tried to figure out if I was parroting. I discovered she only spoke when I thought about her talking, so I thought it must not be real. Then suddenly she said, "I can only talk when you're focusing on me!" And from that point onwards, I believed.

(I suspect since I narrate in my head literally everything I think or do as though I talking to someone else, and have for years, I may have created a sentience in my head a long time ago, but I'm not sure. Scarlet doesn't have anything to say about it yet.)

 

 

On day three,  I noticed she was beginning to sound just like me. Not her mind voice, but her personality.  I thought I'd try and work on her personality, and came up with what at the time I thought was a good idea. First, I made a list of traits I liked. Then I went to the wonderland and changed her form into a glowing ball, opened the ball, and dumped out he little glowing things I envisioned as her current traits. Then, I thought of each trait in the list as one of those things, and put it inside her. Then, I held her in my hands and meditated on what I wanted her personality to be.

 

After a while, I got a mental image of her bound and gagged, and I realized she felt really uncomfortable like this. I returned her to her previous form, and she ran off somewhere. She was quiet for a while. I apologized to her repeatedly, until I could actually feel her irritation at being apologized to so many times. I guess she forgave me, but she hasn't said anything about it.

 

Later, I put on some music while I went to the wonderland, and she danced a bit. Her form had changed a little, and I could see her face a bit more clearly. Her hair was shorter than it had been.

 

It think it was here that I signed up for the forums, I can't remember for sure.

 

 

On day four, I made quite a bit a progress with learning to hear her. I tried reading a book to her, and for some reason, I started moving the mouth of my "mind body" (I guess? I was moving my mouth in the wonderland, but I wasn't reading aloud in real life). I later kept doing that, and I realized I could use that to tell her thoughts from mine, since my "mind mouth" doesn't move when she thinks.

 

When I went to the wonderland, everything was brighter, and she was happy and bouncy. A hole opened up in the ground, and I had no control over it. I thought it was just my mind playing tricks on me, but Scarlet climbed down, so I followed.

 

At first, there was a sort of narrow, stony pathway, but then it opened up to a huge forest, which I guess is underground. She ran ahead, and I ran after her.  We followed a river for a while, and then a path branched off of it towards a house. We went inside the house for a while, but it was big and empty and cold. There were some brighter rooms, but it all had a weird, ominous feeling to it.

 

When we went back, she tried on wings. It was a cool idea, but flying doesn't work well in my imagination for some reason. Then my mind really did start playing tricks on me, and I lost focus.

 

 

For some reason, day five seems really short in my memory. Scarlet was quiet most of the day, I did almost nothing out of the ordinary.  I drank my morning coffee(in the afternoon). I spent some time in the wonderland.  I browsed the web for news people reacting to the "end of the world".  And that's it.  It just seems too short.

 

 

Today is day six.  I haven't done much today either (but now that my account is activated I'll spend some time here).  I feel kinda tired, and Scarlet says she does too.  I didn't expect all this to be so tiring.

[cyan]

During the past week or so I've slept very little, and as a result,  I wasn't in the best state of mind to work on a tulpa. Over the weekend I've gotten plenty of rest, so hopefully I'll be able to see things from a more realistic point of view.

 

I spent most of Sunday with my family, and I knew I wouldn't have time for regular forcing, so I decided to try passive forcing. I haven't been able to find much about it in the forums, but it seemed to work well enough the way I tried. I narrated somewhat most of the day, and I've realized Scarlet's responses are more thoughts and emotions than actual words. I must be changing the thoughts into words myself.

 

The only thing that was any different on Monday was this weird lucid dream thing I had in the morning with Scarlet. We were flying through space in some sort of rocket, and every time I looked over at her she had these huge eyes, like she was amazed at all the beauty of the world.

 

I have a much better idea of what I'm doing now, so from now on our progress should be more disciplined and consistent. Also, Merry Christmas to anyone that actually reads this.