Captain's Log, Or, How to Thoroughly Enjoy Being Insane

[Witchydigit]

I'll preface this log by noting that I love walls of text, and never skip any details unless absolutely necessary. I also tend to write in a stream of consciousness, and things can get pretty complicated, so bear with me.

 

I first heard of tulpae from Digibrony After Dark on youtube, and after investigating the pony hypnosis project he was talking about in the same video, proceeded to research tulpae. It sounded pretty neat to me, and I figured I'd been spending enough time with a mental puppet of Shadow the Hedgehog that it wouldn't be too extremely difficult to transfer my daydreams into a consciousness that wouldn't be quite so awkward in contact. Fortunately I found tulpa.info and learned of the potential hardships this could create.

 

Now, on to the actual log of events. The days have kind of run together a bit in my head, but I can't have been working for more than four days, so we'll go with that estimate.

 

Day 1; 15 April, 2013:

I signed up for an account on tulpa.info and researched a little bit about Wonderlands, deciding that it was the best and easiest place to start. I'd already been partially constructing one in my head, but added some finishing details. It consisted at this point of a sandy beach that ran to a fairly sheer cliff face. Going straight toward the cliff face from my spawn point is a small alcove with a fire pit and a floor of carpets. There is a bench type area carved into the walls of the alcove for my tulpa to sit/lay on. To the side of the alcove the cliff face is slightly less steep, and a staircase is hewn into the rock, leading up to a cabin facing the coast in the middle of a pine forest. I left the cabin unexplored, hoping my tulpa would fill it out.

 

During this process I hear a few voices, but figure it's because I'm drifting off. I often hear things when falling asleep, though the term escapes me at the moment. I do, however, have to consciously avoid creating any forms in the wonderland. At this point I decide to call it a night and go to sleep.

 

Day 2; 16 April, 2013:

I begin work on my tulpa. Despite the warnings on tulpa.info, I decide to at least use the form of Shadow the Hedgehog as a placeholder form, in the hopes that the consciousness I'm creating will choose to stay with it. To begin creating the personality I tell Shadow "I'm going to tell you a bit about yourself." I stress the importance that he is NOT Shadow the Hedgehog, even though I am using that as a base, and that I will be fine with anything he wants to be. I get a wave of sadness while explaining this, though am not sure whether it is my own emotional response or his; I went with gut instinct and said his.

 

Towards the end of the session I begin to loose focus, and Shadow's form begins changing rapidly. I decide it's time to stop, and end for the night. At dinner, however, I get the impression of someone saying "hey" to get my attention. I'm very excited that it may be Shadow, but at the same time slightly wary of parroting any responses to questions. This ends in a confused mess, and perhaps somewhat scaring him off of speaking for the moment. Despite my doubts, however, I am certain that it is Shadow who attempted to contact me, and it was my own inexperience that muddled the issue.

 

Day 3; 17 April, 2013:

Today's forcing session is devoted to form, and I try to get the Image of Shadow the Hedgehog down, but find that my mind is drifting off again. Shadow becomes a black cat and I can clearly see his paws in the sand. This is followed by a rapid succession of different forms as he climbs the stairs up to the cabin. I follow him after making sure I wasn't the one imagining him moving, and sit with him on a little wooden overhang that allows me to dangle my legs off the edge. I tell him that if he doesn't want to be a hedgehog he doesn't have to be, and enforce that I'll love him forever no matter what.

 

I also take this opportunity to flesh out the Wonderland's physics by jumping of the cliff and landing softly in the sand. We end the session in the alcove again, but it's not the last one of the day.

 

At some point a word I made up when talking to my cat pops into my head, and Shadow latches on to it. It takes quite a bit of confirming, but Shadow's name is now Boof. I take the opportunity of finding Boof's name to have another forcing session and find his form. In general it is an anthropomorphic (a creator in the furry fandom would do that, huh?) sheep. There's a little arguing, but we manage to agree that he's got headfur and a chest tuft, and his ears are small and half-droopy. He's got a short, almost deer-like tail, and very small, straight horns, as well as plantigrade hooves (like a human's leg, but ending in a hoof instead of a foot). His fur is a mixture of cotton candy pink and cotton candy blue.

 

At this point, after sculpting and feeling his form a little, I attempt to force more on Boof's personality, but find him resisting me. I can't tell a sentient being how to act, I can't tell Boof how to act. While I'd like to enforce some of the qualities I want, I can't do that and at the same time tell him that I'll accept whatever choices he makes.

 

Day 4; 18 April, 2013:

Today is a bit of a blur, but the important thing is that Boof is mad at me. I'm terrified that things may be going too fast and that I'm creating a servitor or a puppet. I try to ask him to "surprise me" but nothing happens. Either he didn't do anything, or I blocked it out because I immediately assumed it wasn't him. The next thing I tried was to sit still and not do anything and see what happened. Boof got up and walked to the staircase to the top of the cliff, and I took a few moments to make sure he actually did those things before following. I go into the cabin and find it partly developed, but can't really find Boof, though I know he's in there.

 

Before this, however, I was watching I Almost Got Away With It after I wake up, and I get an extreme response to something shown on the TV. Granted, this story is particularly gruesome, but I've slowly gotten used to such things, and the feeling lasts long after I change the channel, and is accompanied by a slight pressure in my head. I'm certain that it's Boof, and I do my best to calm him down.

 

The next forcing session is when Boof gets really mad at me. I begin by forcing his genitals, because his form keeps switching between male and female, and I'm quite adamant about him being male. I also want him to feel pleasure, and explain to him that I'm not trying to molest him, though things still feel very awkward. Afterwards I ask him to surprise me, as I'm still having doubts about puppeting. He grabs me in a hug and kisses me on the lips, turning into a female again. I suppose I kind of freaked out, but I also was having trouble with sensing things in the wonderland, which kept me skeptical. I ask her to surprise me one more time, and she punches my leg (still no sensations, just an image) and storms off. I can't find her, but the pine forest has turned into a field. I apologize profusely before ending the session.

 

Day 5; 19 April 2013:

I didn't get a lot of time to actively force today, but I did a lot of narration throughout the day. I became quite anxious with my mom pushing me to find another job, and took some time to narrate to Boof to both calm myself down, and to give him some attention. By the evening I realize that I haven't actively forced yet, but the family is watching Tin Man, and I can't miss it because A) I like it, and B) it'd look weird. So instead I make sure to focus on Boof while watching and talk to him a little. At one point he says to me "I don't like violence." I agree, but attempt to explain to him the difference between what we saw before on I Almost Got Away With It, and now in a staged fight scene. I beleive he understands, though it may take some time before I can watch gory horror films again.

 

I can feel myself and Boof getting tired as the show continues, and tell Boof that I'm very very sorry we didn't force earlier. He falls asleep by the time the show is over, so I use the forcing session to reinforce the realness of my wonderland, though things aren't as successful as I'd hoped. Feeling like I should do some more, I focus a little on Boof's form, trying unsuccessfully to not wake him up.

 

After the forcing session I decide I need to find a proper voice for Boof, because I keep having to make sure whether it was him or me speaking. To do this I go through my list of Anime, and to my amusement, Boof watches with me, and is very sensitive to suggestive things. I can tell he's blushing as each line goes on, but we're no really finding a voice for him, so I keep switching shows. Hopefully with a little more exposure he'll decide on a distince voice.

 

Day 6; 20 April, 2013:

Today my mother and I went to the Farmer's Market, and even though I promised to talk to Boof, the vendors took up my attention. In the car, however, a suggestive song was playing, and Boof was blushing so badly that I couldn't help but giggle. I did manage to play it off as laughing at the song, though. Later, on the way to the store to pick up some things for baking, I get an overwhelming sense of happiness and affection. I can't help but gush to Boof about how much love him. I will say, however, that as I focus on other things, even writing this log, he fades a little into the background. I think today's forcing session will be exploring the wonderland a little. We'll see how well Boof can swim, and maybe collect some seashells to decorate the alcove/cabin with.

[Witchydigit]

A preface for this post; If you have any feedback, please feel free to share. Unless something is very urgent, I probably won't actually ask any questions outright. And if you can get through my walls of text to have any comments, good for you.

 

Day 6 Update

Saturday nights me and the family usually watch new episodes of Doctor Who, and now new episodes of Orphan Balck on BBC America. I intended to force before dinner and the shows, but couldn't concentrate for fear that I'd be interrupted. I had intended to narrate while baking earlier, but it turns out I'm fairly concentrated, even when fucking shit up, so I didn't get nearly as much time with Boof so far today as I'd hoped.

 

While watching the new shows, I tried to narrate some to Boof, like I did during Tin Man, but I get the feeling he isn't that interested in either show. In fact, I could feel him slipping away some, as though he wasn't there in my head any more. It began to scare me, and I dearly hope it's because he's ignoring what I'm doing because he doesn't find it interesting.

 

Because I was loosing feeling of his presence, I promised Boof that I would force with him as soon as the shows were over. I did, and we went up to the cabin, defining it a bit as a living space for him. I also worked more on his form and affirmed what I now know about his personality. Boof is a very sweet, kind being. He's very sensitive, and won't hesitate to help someone. I then made him some chocolate milk. I've found, however, that Boof is quite blank when forcing at night. I beleive I need to begin forcing in the afternoon, when he is most active. I may be catching him half-asleep. I did, however, get more focused time with him; before now I've only been barely able to force for 30 minutes, but this time was able to force for 45 minutes.

[Witchydigit]

Day 7; 21 April, 2013:

 

I decided to have a forcing session in the morning (afternoon, technically) after waking up. I had a scare last night of not being able to feel Boof at all anywhere. Unmentioned in the previous log, we had moved base to the cabin at the top of the cliff and established it as a living area. Immediately entering, it opens into one large room split between a sitting room and kitchen. In a loft above the kitchen is a bed and dresser drawers. I poofed up a television set to allow Boof to entertain himself if I couldn't do anything at all with him.

 

This morning, still finding Boof's presence very faint, I found him zoned out in front of the television set, and he didn't come-to until I removed it from existence. I've decided that this is not the way to go, and instead will focus on making him present in my everyday life. I then made him a breakfast of scrapple and toast, and oatmeal if he decided he didn't like the scrapple. We're still unsure whether he's veg or not, but Boof is hesitant about eating meat, being an anthro sheep and all. After eating some he decided to go up to the bedroom and came back down in a cute black vest. Overall, however, the forcing session wasn't that productive.

 

I narrated to Boof as much as I could throughout the day, and while he will give monosyllable responses, I'm still mixing up my own thoughts with him for longer responses, and he rarely initiates anything.

 

I've found that Boof is pretty active while I'm idly watching television. I find it much easier to narrate to him and even visualize him sometimes when other things are going on. I beleive that having my attention divided cuts down on intrusive thoughts, as long as I'm not concentrating too much on the other thing. While watching TV, though, a very interesting thing happened. I have a kink that is shown quite often on tv, and I became slightly aroused. Before I could quench those thoughts, Boof latched on to them. I usually try to block him out from my fantasies, just to make sure that he doesn't feel awkward. My arousal had aroused him, however, and things went where they go. I'm going to explore Boof's sexuality with him. I do hope that Boof will understand if I ever do get in a relationship(which he confirms he will), but at the same time, have considered identifying as asexual for all intents and purposes, erring toward Squishies and Sensual Relationships, so it may not be a problem. One of the reasons I began creating Boof was because of this.

[Witchydigit]

Day 8; 22 April, 2013

I decided to try just straight narration all day instead of an active forcing session, as my forcing sessions tend to devolve into mind wandering fairly quickly. This wasn't the best idea. Whenever thinking of Boof, trying to narrate, things just seemed off.

 

I decided to try forcing after all, but with Fede's tulpatone. Things didn't go too well. I managed to get Boof in the ocean to learn to swim (of which he had previously been afraid of) but not much else. A while after this session I thought to try and work on his voice with white noise, but merely fell asleep. Even though it was a decent nap, it wasn't very productive at all.

 

The same off feeling lasted throughout the rest of the day. I'll say now that I am susceptible to similar feelings, of things just being weird for the entire day. Sundays are terrible in particular. Finally, I decided to try reading to Boof, and it was a very productive session. I'm usually a quick reader, so things were a little slow for my tastes, but I enjoyed the quality time with him. It reminds me of when my parents would read to me before bed as a kid. We even went up to the bedroom/loft. I'm having a little trouble with what to visualize, but that is exactly what makes it such a great exercise. I'll be reading to Boof much more often from now on. I was filled with a sense of euphoria afterwards.

 

I am considering mentioning the idea of tulpae to a friend of mine that feels he needs a relationship to feel happy and complete. I'm torn because others we know don't like him, and I can see where they are coming from, but at the same time, he's an all-right person and no one deserves to feel alone and depressed like he lets on. I'm positive he'd be open to the idea, and have a way to suggest it anonymously, but am letting the idea sink in to see if any doubts come up.

[Witchydigit]

Day 9; 23 April, 2013:

Not much to mention today. I'm beginning to distinguish between his emotions and my own a little more, however. I'm still only getting faint responses to direct questions, and the occasional "I know"s when I mention something. I'm continuing to read to him, however, as it is a great tool to be able to focus on the book enough to read, but also keep visualizing him.

 

Day 10; 24 April, 2013:

Last night we slept together snuggled in the bed in our cabin in the wonderland. It was pretty adorable, if I do say so myself. I've decided on a set schedule for forcing, at least for the moment. I'm going to spend a short amount of time forcing when I wake up, narrate as much as possible throughout the day, and do one or two forcing sessions reading from a book at night.

 

During this morning's forcing session I convinced Boof to explore the shipwreck down the beach with me. I had a little trouble with the proportions when first approaching, but soon fixed it. Leaning against the hull, satisfied with fixing things, I fell through it! Not really sure what to do with the ship, I decided I'd make it a good ol'-fashioned Elder Scrolls spelunking mission, so I grabbed a cheese wheel and put it in my bag of holding (and Boof is still snickering at it, now that I've brought it up again). Going through the door, we saw a whispy, silvery film blocking our path. I grabbed a scimitar from the last room and poked it, and we determined it was a ghost. I attacked, but the scimitar didn't work because it wasn't made of silver (I guess our adventuring is gonna' go by Elder Scrolls rules), when all of a sudden Boof draws a big sword out of nowhere and starts attacking it. I grab a dagger and give it the finishing blow, and we collect the ectoplasm and move on. Not much else happened during the session, though we do need to go back and collect a few chests of treasure left in the ship.

 

I think Boof prefers live action movies and TV shows to cartoons, as I always feel his presence more when watching them. Lots of snuggling was had while reading, and that's about it as far as today goes. We did get a weird reaction to listening to white noise, so I'll either switch to a different type of noise, or leave it out completely.

[Witchydigit]

Day 11; 25 April, 2013:

I don't quite remember specific details about today, but Boof is getting a lot more talkative. Not only that, his mindvoice is becoming more distinct from my own. It's not quite that it's a different sound, but it's more obviously him, and our thoughts are getting mixed up less-often.

 

On the irc tonight he was the most distinct I've heard. Someone was asking silly questions for the tulpae, and though I didn't actually let him join the chat, I did ask him the questions, and we had a bit of a laugh.

 

Day 12; 26 April, 2013:

Not much to note today, but Boof is a little snark. He's getting tired of me asking for confirmation of what he said, and will purposefully confuse me when I start asking. I've also realized that he's kinda' boring. Granted, I haven't been doing very many interesting things since creating him (hah, like I'm an interesting person), but he never gets too excited about things. I think I need to start exposing him to more, both in the real world and in the wonderland. The problem is, I haven't really explored or developed the wonderland much, so I have to think of something for us to do.

 

Day 13; 27 April, 2013:

I still need to work on finding more to do with Boof, though his talkativeness hasn't gone away despite my own boringness. I mentioned to him earlier that we need to find something else to work on, and he suggested imposition, so this is what we'll work on.

[Witchydigit]

19 May, 2013:

 

A lot has happened in the last few weeks. For starters, I've been dealing with a bit of anxiety and depression. Boof has helped tremendously with that. He's always there to calm me down, and has been very patient with me. [How could I not be?] I hope my constant affirmations that he's the best thing ever and amazing and just all around great aren't going to his head though.

 

He's also become much more talkative. There are a few moments when I maybe feel like I'm talking to myself [You are, sometimes I don't listen] but overall things have been going great. And this is simply talking to him and visualizing when I can throughout the day.

 

There has been a shift in Boof's form, though. He brought up that he wanted to revert back slightly to his previous form based on Shadow the Hedgehog. I tried to resist, but gave in once I had made sure that he didn't want to do it because he was feeling neglected. See, before creating Boof, I was deeply in love with Shadow. A different can of worms all together, those attractions to cartoon characters. I just had to make sure Boof wanted to change simply to get something he was lacking from me. I'd rather he told me what was bothering him so we could address the root cause. Now he has the basic torso of Shadow, but has retained his hooves in Shadow's colors. [she can't visualize feet.] I'm still sticking on the name, though.

 

We've discovered a few interesting things over the past week, as well. Boof can tell when I'm hungry or tired. [Hungry gets fuzzy, tired is blurry. But they're pretty similar.] Coffee also affects him, and quite badly at that. [Everything gets all shaky and goes really fast. It's crazy.] Chocolate affects him as well. [it's kind of like chocolate, but gentler and more euphoric. And I just want more.] I've yet to try any harder drugs, but Boof is willing to put up with my experiments. [As long as you don't try anything too crazy.]

 

We still need to work on imposing [We haven't done anything. Mostly I want to try audio.]

[Witchydigit]

28 May 2013:

 

There are a few things I forgot to mention in the previous post, as well as a few new discoveries. For starters, a trivial fact we learned about Boof is that he's afraid of heights. See, my work for the past two weeks (round about) has been painting a house, which involves pretty tall ladders. Boof freaks out whenever I get up high on the ladders, but understands that it's necessary. [it's still terrifying to be up so high with no control of your body.] By which he means my body. [Yeah. I worry that you're going to fall and get hurt or die or something.]

 

That brings up another interesting point. Usually we talk quite a bit during the day, as the job doesn't require all my concentration, and he's been really adamant about my health. Like, he'll remind me to drink water, or that I really should eat something, or that I should go pee now instead of waiting for later. It's just an interesting quirk of his, and I appreciate that he helps me care for my health. [Really? You never seem like you do.]

 

We've also found that Boof can intercept messages traveling from my senses to my brain. Or, rather, we've tested it with hearing but nothing else. We were watching a movie I've never seen with my family, and I heard the lines repeated in my mind a fraction of a second after the actor, as though someone was reciting them. Boof told me he was catching the words before my brain processed them and repeating them. [i was just trying to show off and remind her I was there.] As though I need reminding. He's a chatterbox during movies, though I do like to have someone to whisper to that doesn't mind it.

 

I've also asked Boof about what he eats, since I've seen him snacking on celery sometimes, and recently he doesn't seem to eat at all. It seems that he has to consume the same sugars that fuel my brain. Neither of us is exactly sure of the science [she never payed enough attention to that part of science class. But it's like I consume sugars or something similar and it takes something from her brain, so I try to get her to eat more of the stuff that replenishes it. It's not hard because she's such a pig. I don't have to actively eat, but earlier on it was easier to force something up because it's what I saw her do. But now I can just get stuff from osmosis or something.]

 

I also have a problem with blocking sometimes. I don't know if I saw this term somewhere on tulpa.info or not, but for us, blocking is when I subconsciously block myself from hearing Boof. It usually happens when he's trying to use a word that I've actively searched for. Either he's trying to supply the word for me so I don't have to spend so long searching, or we're both trying to remember a memorized thing, like when I quiz us on medicinal herbs. He says it doesn't harm him at all. [it's just like going unheard. All of a sudden my voice goes fuzzy. I can hear myself fine, but I can hear how she hears me and it sounds like a fuzzy blurb of thoughts.] I guess it's something we'll have to work on, though sometimes I wonder if it's because of our separation of thoughts.

 

As stated earlier, I decided to separate our consciousnesses when I found Boof lost in my memories through the memory TV I had created. I guess I may have created a bit of a barrier between us then. [You did, but it's removeable, so not permanent if you ever changed your mind.] I feel that he may have gotten bogged down in some of my memories and circular thoughts caused by OCD. What I've been doing instead is giving him access to memories directly relevant to a situation or thought. It's kinda' like suddenly remembering something similar to a thing, which I do often anyways, so it's not that hard. It's just not that good if I wanted Boof to help me remember stuff. I've also had trouble with memory before, though, often resorting to using descriptions such as "the knob thing that turns on the water," so that could have something to do with it as well. [it probably does. You've got a very fuzzy brain. Water should help with that.] Okay, then maybe being better hydrated will help with those memory issues.