Beelze_pog's sojourn into the subconscious

[Beelze_pog]

I figured that if everyone else gets one then so do I. I don't profess to have any clue what I'm doing, but if anything I say seems like it may go some way to helping you then that's good enough. I can't promise to be regularly posting, but I imagine that having a captive audience may compell me to 'force more often than just my own desire to have a tulpa. My sessions are fairly sporadic, but because my exam season is nearly over I can devote more time to making my imaginary friend into a reality.

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So my first session in about two weeks was on Monday and I felt guilty about leaving it for so long. I lost focus when my exams started, so even though back then I was feeling close to a breakthrough I had a lot of ground to make up.

 

I started back in mid-may when a friend told me about this community and at first I thought it was a massive troll, but now I'm really into the whole idea. The most difficult aspect for me wasn't finding time, it was just being bothered to do it which looking back seems really stupid because - not to sound exploitative - if this is something I can master then my life is pretty much set as far as academics is concerned.

 

Once I actually made an effort the immediate issue I had was visualisation. I read FAQman's... FAQs on the guides section and that basically told me that one way of doing it was just to zoom in on sections and perfect them and move onto another bit. I used my phone's timer so that I made absolutely certain I spent 20 minutes on the feet, then the legs, then the chest, then the arms and then the back and tail. When I got to the face I was really stumped because I wasn't really able to translate some pretty poor game graphics into a realistic face that would move and be expressive. That gave me a butthurts load of trouble and I got pretty frustrated.

 

I went back and read more guides and discovered I had skipped what some considered to be the most important step: personality. I asked my friend how he was doing it and he was pretty much just saying the traits out loud and expecting Knives to just be who he wanted. "Screw that!" I proclaimed and immediately made a giant excel spreadsheet about thirty traits long. Three hours later I had maybe 8 traits done to a degree I didn't even consider with my character designs for my novel. How did he react to emotions like fear based on his overconfidence? How did his issue about getting bored very easily contrast with his determination and ambition? I felt like I was doing the origin-story for some Mary-Sue fanfic character and realised that I was genuinely believing that my mission would be successful.

 

I closed the spreadsheet that night and I haven't added to it since, not really sure why not. I know that another school of thought is to allow them freedom to define their own personalities so that they don't end up as servitors, but I think I was just being lazy. When it actually required effort I just couldn't find the energy to care, which is a crying shame because I would be much further along if I had just given two shits about what is potentially the most important project of my life.

 

Narration came ridiculously easy to me because I'd been talking to myself for so many years that it just seemed like my imaginary audience suddenly had more, well, presence. I was asking questions and trying oh-so-fucking-hard not to put words into his mouth because I was aching for the moment when he spoke for himself. In those first few weeks I would catch snatches of words that I didn't think originated from me, but could never really be sure. I'd discuss it with my friend the next day and he'd be excited for me even though I wasn't entirely sure it wasn't my own fucktarded mind making things up.

 

I have, to date, fallen asleep twice whilst 'forcing. There was a third time when I knew I was still awake because I could feel my head banging against the headboard behind my bed, but that was dangerously close. Clair in particular has made her feelings on this topic clear and I am not able to comment on the subject because he isn't able to talk to me yet about how it felt but I felt incredibly guilty about the whole thing for ages and didn't have another session for a while because I was worried about inflicting permanent damage.

 

Doing things in order is, as you may have noticed, a weak skill, so I decided that I would make a wonderland in which to house my furry critter. At first it was expansive, impressive and generally amazing, but as with all my other efforts I couldn't focus on it and maintain the body I had been building. There were no long strolls through the snowy mountain paths for ole tulpy and I as I had hoped there would be, mainly because he was just standing there without a head, arms swaying in the non-existent breeze.

 

Ah the head, well face really. I have a head shape, I have eyes, a nose, ears, even a none-too-shabby mouth though I say it myself. But shoving them together onto a blank stretch of skin is bloody impossible. It was at a moment of deep angry concentration on Monday evening that I heard THE VOICE. I won't repeat what he said, suffice it to say it was one word and enough to make me freak out that there was someone sitting directly behind me who had access to my Internet history.

 

The word was different from my previous experiences in that I was absolutely, 100% certain that it wasn't me. It couldn't have been. It came out of nowhere and didn't just drift in through the open window. It was amazing. If you guys are trolls then I swear to god that consequences will never be the same again because if that is the case then the placebo effect that this community has is incredible.

 

So after my 'experience' I redoubled my efforts and made time every day for my tulpa. Talking out loud when I was alone, making snarky comments inside my own head about the people around me if I had company, even just sitting down and staring at the blue wallpaper in my room. The face is still escaping me, though I've just used the face of a local bouncer, scrubbed away his facial organs, covered him in dark grey fur and shoved my tulpa's eyes, nose and ears onto him. The problem with this is that if I stop concentrating for even a fraction of a second then the whole thing collapses and I still can't place the mouth without losing clarity on other parts. Don't even get me started in full body visualisation.

 

So there you have it. A few weeks condensed into what you've just read. Comments are always gladly received - mainly because I'm such an attention whore.

[Beelze_pog]

Just did an hour and twenty minutes - more like an hour because of mind wandering. It sounds odd, but the face came really easily within ten minutes of forcing. It's a little more tiger-ey than I was expecting, but I'm just glad he finally showed it to me. I asked whether it was because he trusted me more to keep at it since I had written my first post about it and got a wave of headache. I only started getting the headaches yesterday, so I'm thinking that I'm making progress FINALLY.

 

The most obvious emotional responses were when I was talking about competition with other people. Competitiveness is something I've always lacked and so I wanted to instil it in him so that he could help stop me from being such a lazy arse. I was thinking about beating my brother (making more money, having more sex, crushing his highscores at life; the usual) and he really started to respond. The closest thing to it i can think of is that bit in Portal 2 when GLaDOS gets all hyped up by Cave Johnson's commentary.

 

 

The emotional responses are a little iffy - am I making them or is he? Something tells me it's him, but that could be wishful thinking on my part. I scaled down the wonderland fairly dramatically, but not to such an extent that he would feel trapped, at least I hope not.

[Beelze_pog]

Another day, another hour of tulpa forcing. Today I focused purely on narration because I've decided to go with the whole "Talk at him until he talks back" approach. It's still pretty early on, so I'm not expecting great results already, but I'm just so eager to have him sentient that I want to just skip the whole lag phase and go straight to the good stuff.

 

Unfortunately, you have to get the hard work done now so you can reap the rewards later. I have my last exam on Freitag, so my free time will escalate dramatically although I'm still planning another session later this evening.

 

I got the light headaches again, but they didn't really strengthen in relation to what I was saying. It was basically an hour long bitch about my life, which I'm slightly concerned will fuck him up in the head. But I couldn't think of what to say other than how my day had been and what I'm doing. Spent a good twenty minutes clutching something with the texture that I want his fur to have, so I'm hoping that adds to everything so far.

[Beelze_pog]

So I haven't posted in a while... Mainly because nothing 'interesting' has happened since then. I've been feeling a little disheartened because I don't seem to be making that much progress recently even though I have been spending at least half and hour every day doing narration.

 

I decided to work on the Wonderland for a while because I figure if he has somewhere nice to live where we can meet up then he'll be more responsive.

 

I went through the alphabet with him a few times in the voice I want him to have, but since he isn't being particularly talkative I don't know how much good that does.

 

It's been about a week since he last spoke and I'm not really sure why he's been so silent when he was able to say a word or two before that. The headaches are less frequent as well which is disappointing because from what I understand that means positive progress.

 

I'm going to do another hour or so tonight, but it's difficult staying motivated with no real response.