MosaicReport

[DreamMachine]

Introduction

I guess basic information on me would be necessary. I was born in 1995. I don’t really do much or go out much so sometimes I just don’t know how to respond properly to a situation. It’s not awkward. It’s just hard. I do have friends but it would be nice to have someone with me experiencing life as I do. Someone much more positive then me; who is calm, logical, and silly. Someone, who balances out my depression and anxiety. Not only that, but as an aspiring writer, going over ideas with someone who sees what I see in my head would be so much more convenient. I love reading, puzzles, movies, comics, drawing, and history. My favorite color is blue, and I want to be a director one day. If there is anything else you would like to know just ask.

 

Mental Conditions

This felt like it would be important to add. I have mild depression, anxiety, sleep paralysis, insomnia, and a problem with depersonalization. Overall I am still an AP student and pretty self aware. I have ways of fighting my anxiety and depression without medication but I wouldn't recommend them to others simply because we all work differently. I have a sorta mantra I made up for when I start having anxiety. It usually works. "Strong faith, strong mind, strong will, strong heart, strong spirit." Sometimes I add. "I am strong." after it. My depression happens almost at random but I know the common triggers and avoid them or attempt to desensitize myself to them. Anxiety isn't too bad of a problem. The most episodes I had in a year is 5 and they usually happen in September. I feel pretty normal in general I guess. I want to avoid working on my tulpa while depressed because I am not sure how that would affect him. This is why I want to focus on meditation. If I could just clear my mind then I wouldn't have to worry about depressed thoughts effecting my tulpa because my mind would be clear. So yea. That's about it.

 

Expectations

I don’t know what to expect. I know what I want; a teammate and friend. Plus an amazing wonderland/memory place would be a great bonus. If I force some basic expectations out it would include a sentient tulpa, vivid visuals or the next best thing, and a complete book.

 

Purpose

To create a tulpa that is sentient and interactive.

 

Things Complete

1. Image of what tulpa will look like. (Fluffy red fox with blue eyes.)

2. Sort of a wonderland/memory place already made. (Place I go to daydream before falling asleep. It’s kind of cool actually, there’s a swing, train, and amazing room with this fireplace that I can sort of hear crackle and stars. Lots and lots of stars that shift around but I am so proud of them. Oh, and a bookshelf that I haven’t put anything on it yet because I wanted to use it for things I want to remember but I can barley imagine the bookshelf.)

3. Basic Personality for tulpa that’s a bit vague. (Cool, silly, clever, kind of a dork, likes movies, and Scarlet Johansson.)

4. Tulpa Name (Leon Tokala)

 

Possible Problems

I think the problems I am sort of afraid of happening are…

1. Self doubt about if it’s Leon speaking or is it just me.

2. Not creating someone sentient.

3. Basic horror movie stuff.

4. Hurting Leon.

 

Activities Underway

1. Visualizing Leon

2. Visualizing wonderland/memory place.

3. Trying to create movement in Leon. (I do this by playing catch in wonderland/memory place.)

4. Learning more about Tulpas.

 

Activities Completed

Nothing is completed.

 

Summary

My progress report will hopefully be updated daily. Notice I say hopefully. I have a hard time keeping up with more than one journaling project. Right now I keep a daily journal, an artist journal, and a writer’s journal. However, I really want to keep a daily report because it will motivate me to work and talk with my tulpa daily. I just feel if Leon is sentient then he probably will get lonely, possibly bitter from being neglected. I don’t want to chance that. Don’t expect my reports to be nicely written. This is a forum. I will try to make my reports readable. That’s it. If this ends up being anything like my journals I keep, expect ideas to be jumbled up, out of place, and kind of vague.

 

Goals for Day 1:

I am not going to set high goals for each day; mainly because I never manage to do any of them. So here are the basics.

1. Attempt Meditation

2. Talk with Tulpa

3. Play Catch at least once

4. Try to use all senses in Wonderland/Memory Place.

[DreamMachine]

Day 1

 

After careful consideration I decided to scrap the original wonderland I already had made as mentioned in my first post. It’s kind of sad actually. I’ve been using that place for a while. The thing is, I want to create someplace really vivid and what I have is way too big. It was just something I used to “play pretend” in my head. It cannot hold up as a wonderland. For now it is best if I start off with a small room. I came up with so many ideas that all just didn’t work out so for now I’ll just have to be content with just an open area. I created a never ending lake that reflects the sky that I could walk on. I kept the stars and the huge maple tree that was in the middle with the pin wheels and lanterns. Maybe Leon can help me come up with something better later.

 

Visualizing Leon a little a day is one thing but talking with him is another. I am unsure if the replies I am getting are Leon or me. Throughout the day I will talk with Leon about almost meaningless things and we have a short conversation but I think it’s just me puppeting him. I haven’t tried the surprise me method yet. I am kind of scared to I guess.

 

I still haven’t attempted meditation.

 

Playing catch with my tulpa is becoming harder. Mainly because I am actually trying to focus on my tulpa and not just simply imagining him the same way I would imagine a story in my head. Sometimes the image just gets out of control and spins.

 

Goals for Day 2:

1. Visualizing Wonderland

2. Visualizing Leon

3. Talk with Leon

4. Figure out what I want for a new wonderland

5. Attempt Meditation

 

Day 2

 

1. Visualizing Wonderland/4. Figure out what I want for a new wonderland

I worked on visualizing what I had for a wonderland already and then drew up some possible sketches for a new one. I really think an amusement park would be cool but I am not sure if that is possible. It was just a silly thought and kind of a waste of time sketching. So far I feel comfortable with a room I am designing. It's cozy but I still feel like some things are off and need to be fixed before I start spending energy on visualizing it.

 

2. Visualizing Leon

When it comes to visualizing Leon I don't really have too hard of a time. I mean he is just a fox. I just sort of image myself petting him or playing with him. However he still doesn't feel anymore real then something I imagine during class.

 

3. Talk with Leon

Talking with Leon is hard. He usually doesn't talk and when he does I am pretty sure its just me. I need to research more on creating a personality and voice.

 

5. Attempt Meditation

While attempting meditation today I actually had some progress. At first I tried counting my breaths. One, one, two, two all the way up until ten and then repeat starting from one again. But counting felt really distracting so I just focused on feeling myself breath and imagining my breath. After a while my mind felt so clear and I started to realize how tired my body was. I want to clarify by adding I have insomnia and sometimes I don't even feel tired. This was the first time I had any success in meditation. However I was so tired by the end of the day I fell asleep earlier then planned.

 

Goals for Day 3:

1. Research more on Tulpas

2. Visualization

3. Meditation

4. Read other progress reports