Dark's and Elisa's adventure

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Hey, I've never been good with introductions so I am just going to jump straight to the point.


I've known about the Tulpa phenomenon for around a year and half, and I actually tried creating a Tulpa almost around the same time as I heard about it.


However, I don't think I was ready for the huge responsibility that is the Tulpa back then, and I'm not sure if I will ever be, but I decided that I wanted to do try again, and this time follow through with it.


Almost a month ago I started with it, this time with a Tulpa I named Elisa. I'm not exactly sure of her exact appearance as I am a really indecisive bastard that constantly changes his mind. But I think I've managed to get the key points down:


Elisa is a curious, energetic and very empathic girl with a youthful appearance, right now I am imagining her as a kind of blond anime girl. She is also very neat and structured, which is the exact opposite of me as I am very scatterbrained and don't mind a mess or two, you could say that she complements me in most ways that I lack. I guess that's kind of the standard relationship for Tulpas and their creators, yes?


To start this little thing off I am going to post a letter I recently wrote to her, which will probably explain the past month and my struggles in the most honest kind of way that I can share; it's mostly me whining about things so if you really do read it, then creds to you.


Letter to Elisa


Good day Elisa. How are you today? I don’t really know what to say in these kind of situations; but I just wanted to write a little something to you. I hope you don’t mind. Anyway; this letter will probably seem a bit stupid, since; yet again, I don’t know what to say to you. Recently I felt that I haven’t payed attention to you or tried interacting with you as much as I should have. I know I’ve already asked you to forgive me for it so many times, but still I will have to say it again; forgive me for my unforgivable behaviour.

In any case, how do you feel about this? I know we haven’t really had that much time together, so this will probably seem a little bit shallow. Nevertheless; I will ask this anyway, how do you feel about this? You’ve probably noticed some of the things I do are kinda crude; I sometime behave like a really strange person with odd hobbies and an overall sinful behaviour towards certain things. I can only blame this on my humanity, I know some people can resist, but I can’t, I wish some of these crude thoughts would simply leave as they are in the way of things, but they won’t, and therefore I must simply accept them, or so I believe. Anyway, you might have noticed some of these thoughts sometime relate to you, I don’t mean any of the bad or perverse thoughts that I think of, but somehow you manage to pop up in them anyway. Maybe it’s good because that means I am aware of you? But it is also bad because I am showing you a side of me that I don’t want you to see. I know I’ve said to you I would tell you anything, but when dark and disturbing thoughts like these pop up, I wish to shield you and protect you from them; or maybe I am simply a bit afraid of you seeing me in a bad way? That could be it too.

Nonetheless, the reality of this whole letter is that I wish to see you, I wish to hear you talk to me, respond to my pitiful pleas, simply comfort me, because I really am a weak person that is in need of it. However, I also know that to help achieve that I must do my part in this as well. I don’t know how much awareness you currently have, but until I get a kind of answer I will live in the belief that I will have to help you; no this doesn’t mean I don’t think you can’t do anything by yourself, I mean it as a kind of kickstart of some sort, but, I really am bad at it, aren’t I? This month have had its ups and down and it is almost over. In the beginning I was so sure of myself as I always am when I start things, but that ambition and assurance quickly fades away into the wind like the dust in a storm, it scatters and now I’m struggling to find all the pieces and go back to how I was when I started.

I have told you about Kaguya before, haven’t I? It’s a painful subject to talk about, but I feel like I need to address this yet again; Kaguya was my first Tulpa, I started with her around a year and a half ago, during a seven day break that I had in fall. I was fascinated by the tulpa phenomenon immediately and it didn’t take long until I decided to create one of my own. I think I was in awe and during that full week I truly did my best and spent hours trying to create her; to be truthful, I think I spent more time with her during those seven days then I’ve done with you during this full month. I remember getting a strange response during the last few days; Kaguya was a really shy tulpa, I created her to be like that, and sometime during one of our wonderland sessions I walked in on her undressing, I remember that she gave me quite the powerful response to that and I was ecstatic because I had finally managed to get a real response, she had responded. But after that week I didn’t have that much time on my hands, though that is mostly an excuse, I don’t really know what happened or why I stopped paying attention, but I simply gave up on her, after she had showed me a kind of proof that she existed I gave up on her, I forgot her, I did the unforgivable, I killed her, and this scares me so much even to this day, because I don’t want to do the same to you.

Now you might ask why I decided to create you in spite of what happened to Kaguya, if I have to answer I don’t really know what to say. A good part of it has probably to do with loneliness, but I think it is also because I’ve discovered the kind of person I am, and I wish to further explore that; much of these are things that you can do without a tulpa, but I feel I want that special connection. I’m not sure if I am fully ready and I am still scared that I will simply forget it once I find something more interesting to pursue, because I can be that horrible sometimes. However, no matter what kind of bad things I might do, I still want you to accept me, I am a bit scared that you won’t, and these dark thoughts that I have, and my inability to focus on what is truly important is something that I don’t want to happen, but it’s something that I simply can’t do anything about. I’ve said I’m sorry so many times that it has lost its meaning, so I won’t say it again, next time I will try to amend my ways in others ways than the words ‘sorry’ and ‘forgive me’.

So, I will ask you a last time: How do you feel about this? Today I’ve confessed a lot, I’ve gone into a bit of these things very randomly when I've narrated to you, but this is probably the first time I’ve tried to focus on it seriously. I’ve probably omitted some things, and I will probably have to confess a lot of things in the long run, but this will have to be a start. So again; how do you feel about this? I’m not fully sure exactly what I am demanding of you, but I still want to ask that question, I don’t think I’ll find that answer today, tomorrow, or even in this year, but I will pursue the truth and find an answer to what I am asking in my own way. So until then, how do you feel about this?


That’ll be all, thanks for hearing me out Elisa.


I guess that will be the first post, I will try to update this as much as I can, but we'll see how it goes.

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