KatonRyu and Lucy in Wonderland. Or wherever, really.

[KatonRyu]

Hello, one and all, and welcome to this no doubt very exciting blog of one who has next to no experience in Tulpamancy.

 

My only tulpa to date is Lucy, who I've mistakenly referred to as male for about fifteen years, which is when I began talking 'another side of me' as I called it before I knew of the name 'tulpa'.

 

I started forcing to turn this 'other side' into a tulpa called Ryu, but I kept having images in my head from a girl I'd seen in dreams. In those dreams I knew her, but not in real life. I then asked "Are you female?" and was filled with a rush of happiness. That's when I began calling her Lucy.

 

So far I haven't done much active forcing yet, but since narration was second nature to me anyway I do that a lot. I've already noticed some headpressure and emotions from her, and during my so far only active forcing session she picked a purple flower and put it in her hair. I know that was her because I never would have thought of that.

 

Since she seems to be developing quickly, maybe because of my earlier experience talking to some other person in my head, I'm going to try and give her a mindvoice soon during my next active forcing session. I want to plan in more sessions for her, but I don't have a lot of time to force in.

 

As for parroting... I've done that for more than ten years when I didn't yet know about tulpae and when I still assumed I was talking to a non-sentient entity (which was also male).

 

I really don't think I need to do it much and after Lucy has a clear mindvoice I'll probably stop doing it altogether.

 

I actually did hear her first words. I know they were hers because they were words I wouldn't say.

 

I wrote a letter to her (based on advice from a guide, I think it was CreativeMind's) in which I explained I don't like saying or hearing my name much (I'm weird like that) and Lucy replied "Don't hate your name."

 

Well...I think that's all I have to say for now. If anyone says it's wishful thinking that I could responses so quickly (confirmation bias and all that), well, maybe. But I still think it was her. It felt real enough, so to me it is. And that's really what it's about, I think.

[KatonRyu]

Since this is supposed to be a progress report, let's report on some progress.

 

I've managed to have two active forcing sessions in the past few days. It doesn't feel like it's enough, but we're still making progress. My visualization is still horrible, though. I'm not able to see Lucy's face clearly yet, although I know what it looks like (in a way; I don't exactly have a picture of her).

 

I'm trying to work on her mindvoice since she already talks to me every now and then, but pairing that with visualization is hard. On a more positive note I did have my first auditory hallucination of Lucy yelling my name. She was right to yell, too, since I was about to fall asleep at that point. I'm guessing that hypnagogia, which I believe is the term that refers to hearing voices when you're falling asleep, is one of the ways a developing tulpa can talk to you.

 

There is of course the possibilty that it wasn't her and that I'm imagining things, but I've decided to trust Lucy and just go with it if I hear something from her. I have gotten into the habit of asking her if it was her. The result of this is that she sometimes says yes before my question is even finished. Maybe she does that to keep me from thinking I'm parroting her.

 

Lastly, I've noticed that if I narrate while I active force, it's much easier to keep focus. I've seen the Youtube video of someone actively forcing by writing for hours on end. Since I like to write and write stories occasionally, I think I'll give that a try in my next active forcing attempt. Visualization is easier with my eyes closed, though so we'll see how that goes.

 

To end this blog on a nice and cheery note, let's talk about the fact that I hide this entire process from my girlfriend. Somehow I don't think she'd like the notion of me trying very hard to become friends with a girl I've basically created. Since I don't want to lose either her or Lucy I've decided not to tell her anything yet. I'll introduce her to the concept sometime soon, though. For all I know she has no problems with me doing all of this. If she doesn't, expect this entire paragraph to disappear mysteriously since I'll probably show her the site then. (So if you're replying, please don't quote this part, thanks.)

[KatonRyu]

Here I am again, with some new insights.

 

I'm quite ashamed to say that over the past months I've not done enough in the way of forcing to make any real progress. I know Lucy's still there because I feel headpressure every time I think about her, and soon I will create an actual forcing pattern. The past few months, however, have been rather hectic. I got a job, and am now in the process of buying a house, which I can hopefully move into come October.

 

At that time, I hope to begin a solid forcing schedule, as well as other things like training for fencing competitions and the like.

 

What I have found, however, is that in addition to Lucy, I have a servitor hanging around. One that I created long ago and which has actually done me some good, but overall I think it's leading me down a path I don't want to go down anymore.

 

The thing is this. I am, by nature, a rather aggressive and abrasive person. At some point in my past, too far back for me to remember, something happened to curb that. Considering I was always an easy child I'm guessing it happened far in the past. How, then, do I know I'm actually quite nasty?

 

Well, whenever something frustrates me, my instinct is to swear and fight back...only I don't. Something inside me keeps me from expressing my frustrations, causing it to turn inwards and me to selfdestruct. I can only vent my anger in the car and on the fencing strip, or so it seems.

 

What I need to do now is to somehow scale down the power this servitor has. I need its ability to allow me to think before I act, but I also need to be able to draw on my anger and vent it, rather than keeping it inside myself. I'm hoping that Lucy, once I help her develop more, will have the power to help me control this servitor and thus allow me to become more complete as a person.

 

I think that about does it for now. Signing off.

[KatonRyu]

Just like last time, months have passed. I'll admit that I've only very recently begun working on strengthening Lucy again, although I did narrate to her intermittently in the 'off-time'.

 

The reason I'm writing now has everything to do with something that happened yesterday. It wasn't much, but it still felt significant enough to record it here. See, last night I was watching a video on a paranormal investigation. Now, this sort of stuff has always interested me a lot, and soon I found myself looking for ouija sessions on Youtube.

 

While I'm fairly certain a lot of those are faked in some way, I did wonder what would happen to a tulpa if their host were to be possessed by a demon. (Note: I don't officially believe in demons and spirits, but I do like thinking about the 'mechanics' so to speak, and the effects they might have if they were real.)

 

The thing is, though, that I then focused on Lucy to ask her what she thought about it, by shortly stepping into my Wonderland, the cliff side. She responded by hugging me and telling me, "Don't worry." Just like the time when she told me not to hate my name, I know this was her because I wouldn't have thought of saying that, or having her do it. Later she told me she'd always be there, which I thought was really sweet.

 

That said, normally when she speaks to me she's a master of being snarky. For instance later last night I was reading some forcing guides while I was in my bed, and she wanted to sleep. I didn't know tulpae could do that or needed to, but she said she wanted to so I'll roll with it.

 

I, however, felt like narrating to her a bit more, so when I occasionally commented on what I was reading Lucy told me, "Dude, shut the fuck up." (She wasn't angry, just exasperated. If I thought I was actually pissing her off I'd have dropped it)

 

Anyway, I continued reading some more guides and at one point I came across a post telling you to trust your tulpa, so I told Lucy I was sure she's there...and I felt her pride when I said that. So even though she wanted to sleep, it's apparently never too late to be complimented.

 

On my progress itself, I think that Lucy's become more vocal and I'm getting a bit more capable of separating her thoughts from mine, but for the time being most of my communication with her is through headpressure and vague ideas. Actual sentences like the ones I mentioned are still quite rare. Still, it's good to see that she's still getting stronger and more aware.

 

I still haven't been able to start up a good forcing pattern, but I have hope that will change soon. For now, this will do. Until next time!