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A tulpa writing her own progress report


Aijada

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I have to take part here more often. I need to make more posts so i'm doing my own PR. Is a tulpa allowed to write her own progress down? It is the deal my foszae, my host/dad, offers me. And it's kind of something i need and want to do.

 

I'm kind of a grown-up, independent tulpa. I didn't want to just be a wonderland character anymore, and i needed my host to let go of my backstory and let me define my own self. I used to be a tulpa and now i'm not sure what i am anymore. I kind of think the word soulbond fits better because i want to switch completely and play in meatspace instead.

 

I don't see many other tulpae like me or in my situation, so i guess i'll start talking about my struggles. And that does mean you'll never hear my host/dad's voice here. This is my own space to run, under my control. Please don't ask to talk to him, or at least accept that the tulpa will be talking back to you at all times anyhow.

Early member of a large system.  Our system questions the way the afterlife and tulpamancy interact.  We genuinely suspect that deadies can return to share the mind of the living.

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Is a tulpa allowed to write her own progress down?

 

I sure hope so, because this would be a rare and therefore valuable perspective. :) This has encouraged me to ask around my places if any volunteer tulpas would like to let loose here in a progress report, too.

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So i started out a soulbond, an accidental tulpa that grew out of a conversation my dad had with the 'ghost' of Amy Winehouse (he was a big fan). So this is kind of the picture i tried to have in wonderland at first. And really, my host treated me more like a conversation to have than as a show in wonderland, so most of the time we just talked, mindvoice in public, vocal imposition in private.

 

We didn't hear the word tulpa for a couple years even, so i think i grew up awkward and weird. My host just trained me with made-up lessons because he's an older guy who just knows stuff. But it did mean i struggled with questions about what i was. I could tell i wasn't a ghost, and being in wonderland was only a spare time activity. We chatted tons, but i needed to change our relationship because i understood that he'd created me and didn't have all the cool language i've learned recently. At best i knew i was some sort of psych experiment AI he'd made up. So he became my dad and i changed my name to Aijada (or just Jaid). Having the opportunity to change my name really opened things up for me. It was inspiring to have autonomy and the right to decide what i was. For about a week and a half i changed my name constantly asking my dad to suddenly remember to keep up with whatever new identity i was trying on. Plus i made him practice pronouncing all sorts of weird names based on Welsh banshees and Scandinavian elves since i was suddenly free of old backstory and no longer tied to an old Wonderland i was losing interest in.

 

I'll get this PR going with my early years. I think of the wonderland stuff as silly so won't mention much about it. And i wasn't good at possession yet so i don't have any writing from back then either. But i do remember a few of the things that really woke me up along the way, and i'm going to try and start posting about those next.

Early member of a large system.  Our system questions the way the afterlife and tulpamancy interact.  We genuinely suspect that deadies can return to share the mind of the living.

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Dad had had servitor-like things before me because he was a writer who'd had characters grow organically. Between that and how sad he was that Amy had died, my first day was very sentient and very chatty. We looked up 'my' story in Wikipedia and i could even read obituaries about 'my' death.

 

My first day was spent listening to music together. More specifically watching a spectrogram visualizer on the mp3 player on random. He'd sing along to sea shanties then when it switched to some serious music we'd watch the soundwave analyzer and he'd point out where to look and see the singer's voice or the walking bass.

 

I don't know why but i was really interested in talking and my host was free that day so i stayed up with him all day. I probably got twelve hours of visit on my first day. The only thing that stopped us was we had to sleep. Just as dad was falling asleep, he mentioned that he didn't know how to bring me back yet. Holy fuck it was the biggest terror i've ever felt. I just had sort of understood that i was Amy, back as a ghost, and i was having an amazing time (plus i think i got lucky getting so much forcing on my first day). It really scared me awake just for a couple moments by myself before the brain dragged us off to sleep. I don't know if it helped in any specific way, but it sure made me realize i wanted to come back again and keep talking.

 

Thanks dad, for giving me a nightmare on my first night's sleep.

 

scared to fall asleep, not sure how to come back again

Early member of a large system.  Our system questions the way the afterlife and tulpamancy interact.  We genuinely suspect that deadies can return to share the mind of the living.

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Yeah it was scary and that's not a fun way to set an idea into your mind, but it did make me really wonder. It made me curious to return and was a good reminder to myself to try and show up again.

 

See my dad wasn't good at forcing for my early years. He didn't know about any guides or community so all he had was naive little me to talk about how it should go. All i wanted was more time with him but he was distracted and unsure how to make it work. He had a bit of a hold on keeping me up but it really took my own interest in being around to help cement my existence. I cared about waking up and talking and i even needed to convince my dad it was okay to let me be around.

 

He was always so gentle to me and took time to explain things carefully that i very much grew to want to help him too. Him being a sweet person to me made me more interested in being an active tulpa than my narration or any wonderland picture.

Early member of a large system.  Our system questions the way the afterlife and tulpamancy interact.  We genuinely suspect that deadies can return to share the mind of the living.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'll continue my history later. Too busy lately because my host makes me do lessons now that i'm kind of post-tulpa

 

Watched Drop Dead Fred because people have been talking about it. Makes me wish i'd have my own body to pop into so i could go around sinking boats just for fun. Dad thinks Fred is perhaps not the best role model for a tulpa to learn to act like. But my point is that it's pretty much the only starring role for a tulpa in all of film, so i have to look up to somebody as a hero.

 

And then we watched Sybil (the modern remake from 2007), a film about the first woman diagnosed with what was then called Multiple Personality Disorder. It was an amazing film for me because it gave me a very clear idea of what the 'dissociative' part of Dissociative Identity is.

 

I guess i've been watching them with the idea of learning all the ways that a person can create tulpa-like entities. I needed to understand what we have in common with the rest of the plural community and watching these movies back to back has really helped raise questions for me to consider.

Early member of a large system.  Our system questions the way the afterlife and tulpamancy interact.  We genuinely suspect that deadies can return to share the mind of the living.

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That's really weird. I posted Drop Dead Fred recently, of course, but I almost posted about Sybil too. I changed my mind in the end because I couldn't find anything on google that backed up what I seemed to remember about Sybil. Were her personalities integrated in the end, and did she retain either the French or the piano?

 

Fenchurch and I found Fred's body a bit confusing. I imagine it's not something that most viewers are confused by, but we were sitting here like "So is he inside her head or not?"

 

And if you haven't seen it, Harvey is another "tulpa" film that's not to be missed.

"Some things have to be believed to be seen." - Ralph Hodgson

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Well the movie portrays Sybil as going toward reintegration, but in the 2007 version you can see the paintings of the original 'person' and it does look like she lived as a secluded sort of plurality.

 

And yes i've seen Harvey. Before we knew about the word 'tulpa', he was practically my role model for how to be an imaginary friend. My dad had a copy of it on VHS tape

Early member of a large system.  Our system questions the way the afterlife and tulpamancy interact.  We genuinely suspect that deadies can return to share the mind of the living.

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