Sweets & the lady - past, present and future (?)

[Sweets]

Hi everyone. I think it might be a good idea for me to actually use this progress report thing, if only to see if my mind is getting any more messed up than it is right now. Can't really rely on my lady to tell me.

 

So, I've started like five different times now, trying to describe me or the lady or just anything about our relationship and the questions I have, but it simply won't work. So... I'll just start from scratch. As I am currently facing several problems, that might be better anyway... to sort my head a little.

 

Before I focussed on or even knew about tulpas, I occasionally engaged in self hypnosis as a method of treating my psychic problems. It was a rather simple technique - close your eyes, empty your mind, wait until you see trees. The basic concept was to find your ''magic meadow'', which is actually nothing but your very own wonderland - your subconscious mind given a place, and your feelings given form. Everything went well, soon I had met several beings that reacted to me, gave me feedback and assisted me with my problems.

 

However, when I started tulpamancy an interesting change took place. This method of self hypnosis takes a lot of practice and focus, but once everything's fallen into place it's like a second home, to be shaped by your will. I thought this was a great place to create a tulpa, as I could easily give her a form, a face, a voice, and a place to call her home - skip several steps, if you want to put it like that.

 

Don't. Seriously. Just don't.

 

Over the course of several month I tried various times to focus on creating a tulpa. I had a vague idea of what I wanted, but as my subconscious had proven to be quite apt in creating things of its own that fit my needs, I figured I'd just let it go on without too much control. At first, nothing happened, and I finally came to think that maybe I should indeed try tulpamancy ''by the book''. Strangely, visiting my magic meadow grew more and difficult, and I simply didn't know why. The various characters that had once inhabited it (my animus for example, which I dearly miss, or a soulbond I had grown very fond of) seemed to just disappear. For some time I could still force them back, but they hardly ever responded and grew less and less sentient every time. Then the landscape followed. I usually stayed in a beautiful valley between several mountains, with forests and rivers and a pretty amazing waterfall... all gone. In the end, what had once been my wonderland was nothing more than a snowy patch of forest, some dead trees, and silence. I took it as a sign that my mind had finally shut off and went to a therapist to find out whether there was something bothering me more than usual, but: nothing. In the end, I decided to let it be the way it was and to move on. I'm not much of a sentimentalist.

 

By now I understand what happened, and why it had to happen that way, but back then it was simply... creepy. It felt like an invisible force was slowly eating up my wonderland, and I really wondered whether it would further affect me. I still travelled there, but from time to time I was more afraid, angry and desperate. I yelled at the trees and tried to violently force back my thoughtforms, I spreaded my imagination thin while finding a way to restore my mindscape. At some point, I simply gave up. That snowy patch of trees stayed, and I used it to just sit down and sort my mind whenever the real world was getting too close, as that was really the only thing I could do with it.

 

Then one day, the lady appeared. She's not really a lady, and we don't have a relationship that would make me call her like that, but she's got some class and I simply don't know her name, so I call her that. She walked up to me and began talking to me, like she had been waiting for me all the time. I was... well, furious. I had been trying for weeks to get anything to respond to me, and now this stranger walks around my wonderland, acting like she owned the place.

 

She actually does, but okay. It took me some time to accept the facts, and for some weeks I only went there to yell at her, serve her some snappy remarks and leave again. What's the point of having a magic meadow when just anyone can show up and manipulate it? I didn't really understand what was going on.

 

Over time, though, we started to actually engage in conversation. She made some remarks about my life, about the way I felt and acted, and I realized she was indeed watching me, and she also expressed her interest in taking part. I also noticed her changing while our relationship evolved. At first she had been a teenager, maybe 15 or 16, wearing a hoodie and jeans and a real bored expression. By now, she has grown into a beautiful, strong woman dressed as a ringmaster.

 

So, that was that. I tried not to think about it too much, as my real life was once more getting into the way of taking my time for nonsense like that, and I didn't see her for several weeks. It was fine. Then I slipped right into one of my maniac-obsessive episodes (I have that sometimes), and on a whim I decided that I might as well bother her with it. Usually I turn to a close friend of mine when stuff like that happens, but we weren't exactly on speaking terms during that time, so my choice fell on the lady. And she reacted good! She was the first 'person' ever to encourage me, which basically made me feel like I'm not a god damned lunatic - a nice change. Since then, I include her in more and more parts of my life, like anger management or overcoming my occasional writer's block, and we're doing surprisingly fine.

 

Huh. That was exhausting. No idea if that wall of text makes any sense to anyone but us, but I guess it doesn't really matter. Writing down the facts already helped.

 

I'll go into the way our relationship developed and the way she influences me another time, as she's giving me a horrible headache right now. She already made it clear she doesn't think too much of sharing our history, but as I stated earlier, I got some questions... maybe one of you guys will be willing and able to answer. That would be very, very sweet and much appreciated.

 

The main question is: is she actually a tulpa? I treat her like one, and mainly she behaves like one, but I never heard of a tulpa kind of creating herself. I highly suspect my mind simply did exactly what I asked of it and created a tulpa 'in background mode', but the outcome still surprises me. Oh, and my mindscape melting down was like some kind of reboot btw. She told me. There were too many things getting in the way for her to step into my mind, so they had to be eliminated... she assured me I could recreate it all, though, so I think it's alright.

 

And another one, although it kind of relates to the first and might be rather subjective: do you think it might be harmful and that I should try to put a stop to it? I read in the forum that it's not too uncommon for a tulpa to create other tulpas themselves, and my lady recently informed me that there was something else in my mind trying to come into existence. Not that I have a problem with it, but when she showed me I could feel its existence, and it felt very raw and destructive... very, very much so. She thinks it's entertaining and won't help me, and I doubt she would sacrifice my sanity for some fun (at least I hope she won't), but still, it bothers me.

 

Well... that's that. I have no idea whether I did this the way it's intended to be. If there's something unclear or you have some questions, just tell me. I'd be very thankful for any input on the matter.

 

EDIT: Wow. I'm sorry, I never realized it would be THAT long. Seems there really is a lot on my mind. o.O

Now I genuinely doubt anyone will actually read this... wow. ._.

[Stevie]

I wouldn't say that "skipping steps" is a bad thing, because that implies that you have to do anything in any order, or that some forcing methods are even necessary. Maybe it didn't work for you, but don't make a blanket statement saying that not following any one guide to the letter is going to screw you over.

 

I'd say, yeah, she's a tulpa. Your relationship developing over time might be a reflection of her own development, in that she's able to interact with you on different levels as she becomes more complex as a person. Don't make the assumption that she just walked out of your imagination as complex as she is now, there was probably some growth along the way.

 

Also, I'll say that just because someone from your mind tells you things about your mind, doesn't mean that you should take them at face value. Everything's up for interpretation. She says your mind was too busy for her to step in? That's not an objective fact, so don't give it much weight. It's her experience. Again, her saying that there's "something else in your mind trying to come into existence" doesn't mean that's a bonafide fact. And if you want to put a stop to it, you can. Just don't feed into the concept that there's anything happening at all.

 

I doubt that she's at all harmful. Tulpas only have as much control over your mind as you give them- through your belief in their level of control, how ready you are to entertain and feed into anything they say, etc.

[Sweets]

Thanks for your insight!

 

I wouldn't say that "skipping steps" is a bad thing, because that implies that you have to do anything in any order, or that some forcing methods are even necessary. Maybe it didn't work for you, but don't make a blanket statement saying that not following any one guide to the letter is going to screw you over.

 

Ah, I didn't mean it that way, I rather meant that it's probably a bad idea to make the place you already created the one you use for creation. Even if it doesn't burn it up, I think it might affect the magig meadow or whatever it is you already have in a way you didn't foresee and maybe don't want. Skipping steps is alright I guess, that's an individual thing.

But then again, everything I'm writing is based on subjective perception. I should probably make that clear somehow.

 

I'd say, yeah, she's a tulpa. Your relationship developing over time might be a reflection of her own development, in that she's able to interact with you on different levels as she becomes more complex as a person. Don't make the assumption that she just walked out of your imagination as complex as she is now, there was probably some growth along the way.

 

Yes, that's the way I interpreted her development. After all, the whole teenage thing... it makes sense. I had her created, but neglected her (because I didn't even know she was there, but I guess to her that made no difference). She looked just like you'd expect someone who's been emotionally neglected to look like.

Mh, like I said, I guess my mind was running her on background mode somehow... she already knew a lot, I'm actually not even sure there's anything I have to teach her. That confuses me, now that I read the forum, because many other hosts describe how they first have to teach their tulpas, how they learn and grow... the only thing she needs to learn, in my opinion, is to be a little gentler when she slaps her opinion in my face.

 

Also, I'll say that just because someone from your mind tells you things about your mind, doesn't mean that you should take them at face value. Everything's up for interpretation. She says your mind was too busy for her to step in? That's not an objective fact, so don't give it much weight. It's her experience. Again, her saying that there's "something else in your mind trying to come into existence" doesn't mean that's a bonafide fact. And if you want to put a stop to it, you can. Just don't feed into the concept that there's anything happening at all.

 

Listening to my mind is a bad idea at best times, so yeah, I know what you mean... however, she often communicates through emotions as well as words, as that simply works better for us, and when she brings back the memories I can always see her point. I'm often pondering about what she tells me, and mostly, she's simply right. It's like she knows my mind better than me - probably because she spent so much time studying it.

However, I'm not taking anything for granted.

As to that presence... I was lying in bed, trying to doze off, when all of a sudden I felt that psychic pressure in my head. Like a really strong emotion, but not my own. It was so distinct and intrudind I cursed out loud and said ''not another one, stay the f* away!'' into the empty room. Then I went to see her about it, and she shrugged it off, stating she had noticed for several weeks now but didn't deem it too important.

 

I doubt that she's at all harmful. Tulpas only have as much control over your mind as you give them- through your belief in their level of control, how ready you are to entertain and feed into anything they say, etc.

 

Oh, she's not harmful. I didn't mean to convey that impression. She's just not as sweet and friendly and entertaining as many other tulpas seem to be, but that's fine with me. I need someone to step on my toes and show me the funny, twisted side. In light of this, she is exactly what I imagined and wanted a tulpa to be.

 

I hope you're right... like stated, I have several mental issues, and even though I somewhat learned to cope, the underlying desire to simply give away the control and sit back is very strong at times. Maybe a determined tulpa like her, or a destructive one like that rude fellow currently trying to shape itself, combined with an extreme episode of mania, could lead to some... undesired results. Right now I feel in control, though, so I'll just hope it stays that way.

 

Many thanks again! It's just wonderful to have a place I can openly talk about things like that and get profound feedback.

[Sweets]

Alright, only a short one today as I am VERY busy, but figured I'd better write it down. :)

 

I think the lady is finally deciding on a name for herself, which is pretty neat. I took the chance to introduce her to my best friend, and he reacted wonderful. He even talked to her, as he himself is very interested in the subject of tulpas and has many questions, and I found out she is rather shy towards strangers (never would have guessed!), but I already knew she liked him. Anyway, I think the fact that I made this step means something to her. I feel like she is relaxing a little.

 

Otherwise we're not talking too much, though, as I have only little time and not even the focus for passive forcing, or rather, for the things I usually do along with it (writing etc.). She gave me a few ideas, and at night I sometimes feel her presence, but apart from that she seems to recollect her strength. The last weeks have been exhausting for her as well.

 

My mindscape is finally starting to feel like what I was used to again. During all these months in which we barely communicated as I was so angry on her, I would have never guessed that there was a way to fix it all. I guess it still takes a lot of learning from both sides, and a lot of getting used to. Anyhow, I visited my mindscape last night and for the first time felt the presence of the new tulpa in the way I feel her - not only present, but also intelligent. It seems all my tulpas are a little shy. Who knows, maybe the three of us will end up as best friends and I only need to give our newbie a chance.

 

During the next days I will have no internet and not much of anything, really (moving), I figure this will be a great time to work on all of this. Who knows, maybe when I come back there are already two of them? *excited* *-*