A State Of Zen

[Panano]

Willing to say I now am officially sure I do have a tulpa, I figured I'd do a progress report. I've only had him for a couple of days, though he seems to think he's been around for a while (maybe even forever).

 

Yesterday, I was incredibly skeptical, but I learned that he could already respond to me by causing pressure in the left or right side of my head (left for yes, right for no). I thought about his appearance, though today I've changed it significantly.

 

Unlike yesterday, we're having full conversations with each other (mentally, of course. I cannot hear him yet). I cannot tell if it is parroting or not, but, regardless, I've learned a lot about him.

 

His name is Zen. Originally, I gave him the nickname 'Q', but quickly found myself calling him Zen by accident. He claims this is because he wants me to call him that. He's mentally fourteen, so he's a little naive. He's incredibly sweet and actually told me not to talk to him if it hurts my head. Despite this, I am still doing it. We both are very excited to progress and truly meet each other. He seems to have opinions of his own (he occasionally snaps at me out of the blue, which definitely throws me off guard), but, again, I don't know if it's parroting or not.

 

Despite the incredibly-fast progress I've made with Zen, I haven't really been able to 'feel' him. I've tried to touch him and feel his physical presence, but I've gotten nowhere. I think he doesn't want to be touched (he denies this). We've been pretty much talking all day, which worries him because it's caused me exhausting headaches similar to the ones I get when I don't sleep.

 

I've imagined him as a lanky, tall young man with almost periwinkle blue hair. He has lighter highlights, and the tips of his hair are an almost smoky, white-ish blue. His eyes are red. He wears thin glasses. On the top of his head are little, dark-colored nubs that are his horns. I believe he has a devil tail. I've visualized him naked as well (which was a bit weird, but it's supposed to be helpful). His skin tone is quite pale. He appears as an anime character, mostly because I can only draw anime chibis, but this is okay for now. Sometimes I visualize him looking like a cosplayer.

 

But anyway, that's Zen. If there's anything I'm doing wrong (or if you have helpful tips and tricks), let me know~

[Panano]

[hidden] I haven't updated this in a very, very long time, but since I have returned for hopefully forever I ought to update it, so that's that. It's very nice to be back. [/hidden]

 

Zen has gotten a lot more fleshed out as of late. He now has a permanent form both of us have chosen, and he is very pleased about this. He is also able to speak fluently now. We often have long conversations because of this. I'm definitely not as scared I'm parroting, as he likes to randomly say things that I wouldn't be caught dead muttering under my breath. He's....an interesting character for sure.

 

We're very excited to hopefully one day be able to 'see' each other. Since it was unclear, I'm talking about visual (and auditory) hallucinations. It may take us years and years, but we have both expressed the desire to do this in the future.

 

He also has sort of shown an example of possession; I was mindlessly typing what he wanted typed, as if I didn't exist. I'm not sure if this is me spacing out or him truly possessing me, but I think it's a start. Most of the time, I just type things for him, that time was different.

 

I've also gotten to know him a lot better. I don't think his personality really changed; I just think this is what he's like without parroting. I wouldn't say he's not as sweet, but he's definitely much more feisty than he was previously and quite impulsive. Our personalities are definitely further apart now, though we get along wonderfully.

 

I've stressed about visualization and development, but it occurs to me that I think about him and his form consciously throughout the day. I also imagine him a little before I go to bed. If I used the whole time it takes me to fall asleep (which is unfortunately like two hours), I could work on visualization without any other distractions/multitasking because it's not the funnest thing.

 

I think we've made some great strides. It only took him a week or two to actually be able to speak, but the conversations now can be long and extensive without him getting tired. If we keep making strides like this, we'll get to hallucinations in no time (I hope).

 

[Hidden] I hate calling them hallucinations, man. I don't think this is the right word....but I use it because I don't want people getting confused to what I'm talking about [/hidden]

[Lucilyn]

Hallucinating means experiencing something that isn't there, so that's kinda what it is. But honestly the difference in hallucinations from a mental disorder or drugs and imposition ("imposing" your tulpa onto reality) is that you generally aren't utterly convinced, you're doing it yourself on purpose and it's not perfect. And by the time that you get good enough at imposition that it feels naturally real, it's more of a mental discipline, 'cus you worked on and practiced that. Still technically "hallucinating", but idk, it's on purpose and without drugs.