Psykai's Tulpa Creation Journey

[Psykai]

It's funny, I still can't believe I'm going to try and make a person in my head. I'm still in that very early stage where, whilst I believe the phenomena possible, I highly doubt I'll succeed at it myself. However, I am going to give it a good and honest try and as someone with a very good imagination, I am hoping I'll have some good fortune.

 

I decided to base my tulpa on an anime character that I adore, so her appearance is already decided and I have a good base for her personality. I chose Rin Kokonoe from 'Kodomo No Jikan' ('A Child's Time'). A pretty obscure choice perhaps but I have always found this character very endearing and her positive and loving energy is exactly what I need in my life right now and her darker side will fit with mine nicely. I could go on and on about why she's the perfect choice for me but perhaps I'll save that for a future post, as this one may be quite long to begin with.

 

I thought a lot about where to begin with but I eventually decided on the personality after seeing how long it was going to take... If any part of the tulpa process would make me quit in frustration, it's this, so I decided to start with it so that once it is complete, I know I've gotten past the most tedious part. I read many different ways to do this but I decided on the method where you choose around 30-35 personality traits and then go through each one and describe in as much detail as you can how the trait specifically applies to your tulpa.

 

I found a document that contained a list of 638 personality traits, separated into Positive, Neutral and Negative. So I went through the whole thing and picked out any traits that Rin definitely showed in the anime, along with any traits that I felt she had based on my personal observations/opinions of the character, and finally some traits that I myself would benefit from. I organized my chosen traits into 'positive/neutral/negative' like the original document. By this point, I had chosen far too many and a few of them were quite similar so I deleted a couple of those. I realized that since I had 3 categories, I could choose ten traits from each one to get the 30 traits I wanted. So I went through my new lists and picked out the traits that felt like the 'core traits' of her personality. Once I'd run out of those, I simply picked the traits I thought suited her the most or would benefit me. It took a long time to do all this and I have no idea where I found the patience...

 

Anyway, now I'm onto the next step, going through each trait and detailing exactly how it influences her personality, behaviors etc. It's going well I guess but I'm only writing a small paragraph or so for each one and I'm not sure that's enough yet, especially since I'm suppoesd to paraphrase these to her once I start forcing, and there isn't much I can say about some of the traits because the name of the trait itself makes it pretty clear... I have to admit that this particular part of the process has caused me to take an extended break simply because I've worked on it for many hours already and feel like I'm still going too slow, but hopefully I'll feel motivated again soon. It's not like I'm actually counting hours or anything so I don't suppose it matters how long it takes, lol. I guess I'm just impatient to get to the more interactive parts.

 

So that's what I've been working on for the past couple of days. I also found out how tall Rin is and I used a height comparison website to get an image that showed the difference between us both, so that will come in handy for visualization in the future. Oddly enough I had been imagining in my head how tall she would be compared to me and it was exactly the same as that image showed. Weird. I also intend on taking lots of screencaps of her from different camera angles and such in order to help with visualization too but that's for a later date.

 

I might also start working on a Wonderland soon since I don't need to actually visualize her in order to do that and I can probably do it while going about my daily life. I might just focus in creating/exploring the world and making some nice spots to hang out in when the visualization and forcing begins.

 

That's pretty much all I can report on so far :) There won't be much else to report for a while until I finish writing up all these trait descriptions. Then I'll start working on visualization and forcing. I have no idea how long either of those periods will take but they'll be more fun and less stressful than pounding keys for hours and trying to think of how to describe a personality trait that speaks for itself xD

 

So yeah, hopefully I can update you guys again soon!

[Tsu]

I had the exact same problem with the LONG list of personality traits when I started. It's so tedious ahaha.

 

Good luck with everything :)

[Psykai]

Thanks Tsu ^_^

 

This might be a long update because I'm feeling particularly deep in thought and museful ^_^. Wait... museful isn't a word? Well &*$% you Firefox, it is now.

 

It took me a couple days but I finally got through the process of writing a small paragraph for each personality trait as well as removing a couple that were basically the same trait with a different name. I'm not sure if I'm ready to move on to narrating yet though. One thing I am concerned about is that I've seen people talk about "focusing on each trait for 15 minutes" and stuff like that, however I have not written anywhere near enough about ANY of my traits to talk about them for that long. My plan was simply to paraphrase what I wrote and explain each trait to her in whatever detail I was able to, but I know I'd never be able to talk about a single trait for 15 whole minutes unless it was a significant one and I'm worried that it may hinder her ability to comprehend and take them in if I can't provide enough detail. Perhaps I could fill in that time with some puppeteering for some traits to help her physically understand them (such as making her jump and run around to show her what her 'Energetic' and 'Physical' traits partly represent) but I'm not sure if that's a good idea yet. Ideas welcome. I seem to be having a hard time working out just how to phrase her traits to her.

 

I'm also not sure what to do once I have gone through each trait. Almost every guide says to go through them again and again every day, but I'm unsure if I should be repeating myself or trying to provide a different insight into each trait each time I go through them.

 

I also wrote down some small 'Likes', 'Dislikes' and 'Hobbies' lists but these are incomplete for now. I based her Likes and Dislikes mostly on her anime counterpart but I did add 'Rain' to her likes which is probably quite out-of-character for her but as someone who loves the rain myself, I felt it a necessity for us to be able to enjoy it together. It's no fun if I want to have a meaningful conversation under the fall of rain if all she gets out of it is a grumpy soaking ^_^. As for her Hobbies, I got a little selfish and gave her all of mine so that we had things in common that we could do together, but then I felt bad so I made sure that her connection to some of the hobbies was different from mine, such as liking different genres or approaching the hobbies from different angles. I also HATE sports, but in the anime she seemed to enjoy it a lot, so I decided to compromise my earlier selfishness by giving her that as a unique hobby that was separate from mine and I specified 5 or 6 different sports that she enjoys and it ended up becoming one of the most, if not THE most prominent hobby, and I was glad.

 

See, it's things like the sports hobby that I'm most curious about. Despite having a rather specific idea of what I want her to be like, I'm trying my best to include traits and hobbies and such that I personally don't like myself, partly to stay true to her anime counterpart and partly to make her more individual, but also partly due to me wanting to experiment with the tulpa phenomenon overall and make it easier to sense if/when she reaches sentience/independence. For example, I hate sports right? So if I ever start getting positive thoughts or feelings about it, it will be much easier to recognize it as Rin's thoughts rather than my own, since I'd never have those feelings myself. Since the early stages seem to focus a lot on thoughts/feelings that seem 'alien', I'm trying to give her some opportunities to provide those for me.

 

I haven't done much work on visualization yet, but since I will be narrating soon, I need to at least make a space to do that in. Interestingly, whenever I imagine myself in my head as part of meditation or whatever, it is often the same environment each time; a forest at night with a full moon, a light breeze and heavy rain pounding down and sometimes a thunderstorm. Often I'd just lay in the grass and stare at the sky through the trees and let the rain wash over me whilst I thought about whatever, and sometimes I was even able to get into a state where I could almost feel the rain and soft breeze on my skin (but still in my head, like virtual senses). I'm thinking that this may be a good place to take Rin for narration (since it's a place I can imagine easily and feel comfortable in during the process) until I can craft a proper Wonderland for us.

 

I'm actually wondering if I should work on visualizing Rin before I narrate to her, or if I should make her a statue or still image of sorts to narrate to until I'm ready to move on to making her feel more physically real. Either way, tonight I will probably take Rin to the temporary Wonderland for the first time, do a little bit of visualization on her (enough to feel comfortable narrating to her) and then introduce myself, explain what she is and what I'm going to be doing, and then start narrating a couple of her personality traits to her (most likely just in alphabetical order). I will probably explain that I'm a little unsure of the narrating process and ask her to be patient if things don't make sense at first and that I'll keep trying my hardest to get it right. Hopefully she'll have enough of a consciousness to understand but I'm still worried.

 

I mean, I can just imagine myself sitting there saying "You are kind. Uh... like, you know, you're nice to people, you care about your friends a lot... uh... well, I mean it's pretty obvious isn't it? *$&^ I can't say that... it might not be obvious to you... Um..." and so on. As you can see, that is nowhere near productive and I'm gonna need to really focus up to avoid it being like that. Maybe someone could help me with wording or finding enough to say about a trait that otherwise seems obvious.

 

Anyway, this post has been pretty long, heavy and deep and if you've read this far then thank you so much for taking the time to do so. As a bonus, I'll share something funny that happened the other day, to end on a light note ^_^.

 

Since I first started the tulpa process, I've naturally been thinking about the character a lot, imagining her in my head more often, stuff like that. I suppose it's kinda like visualization, just not very focused or with any specific goal in mind. I guess it could be considered practice for it even though it's just daydreaming. Sometimes she even pops into my head at totally random times and that's where the funny story comes in. The other day I was sittin' on the toilet (*tsk*) and was having a little bit of trouble with constipation (thankfully something that only troubles me from time to time) but then all of a sudden, Rin appears in my head laughing her ass off and pointing 'at the camera'/me. It was like I'd just conjured up a scene from the anime in my head although it was bizarre how natural and real it felt but I know it wasn't a tulpa thing because I haven't worked on forming anything of her in my mind yet except for the ideas and traits I have written down. I suppose I was simply imagining her response to the situation but because I did it involuntary/subconsciously it almost did feel like there was someone else genuinely stood there laughing at me and I couldn't help but laugh myself and mutter "ha-ha..." under my breath.

 

That's all for now :) Hopefully I can post an update tonight or tomorrow about how my narrating session tonight goes.

[Stevie]

I wouldn't feel too pressured to hit time markers as far as personality forcing goes. Like, numbers of minutes and stuff don't really count, it's about trying to like, define a vibe I guess. You don't have to do each trait for 15 minutes or anything, do what feels interesting and useful to you. Useful of course is gonna change definitions from person to person, but like, I always noticed when something felt productive vs something that didn't.

 

Also, why don't you like sports?

 

Your PR has been an interesting read though.

[Psykai]

Thanks ^_^ Yeah I'm not gonna worry about set times. Like you said, it'll feel productive or it won't, so I'll just try to trust my instinct.

 

I wasn't able to actually start when I wanted to. First I had a friend who needed a shoulder and I stayed up with them most of the night,. The night after that, I was hanging out and drinking with another friend until the early hours. Like seriously, I have NO life but as soon as I need my alone time, I suddenly become the most charismatic and popular person around, lol. During that time though I was able to get some great advice on the forum about narration and various techniques that can help with it, so it was rather helpful that I hadn't already started it yet.

 

Anyway, I finally managed to get started last night and even then I had to wait until I had gone to bed in order to guarantee I was undisturbed lol. It didn't go very well though, partly because my mind kept wandering and partly because of a bizarre and unexpected problem that surfaced and it was so bad that I honestly almost had a "this is never going to work" moment. Don't worry, I've already scolded and reminded myself that it's probably going to take ages before I can get this part to feel right.

 

I started by imagining myself and my tulpa sitting on tree stumps in a little forest area (a temporary Wonderland I guess). I decided to make her frozen in place. Not a statue, not a doll, but more like a body that simply hadn't been animated yet. I figured if I saw her as a statue then it wouldn't feel like I was talking to a real person, so that's how I came up with the idea that she was just catatonic or in a hypnotic state or something to start with so that she could still take in information but without me feeling tempted to imagine her moving to make her feel alive (I want to avoid parroting and puppeteering where possible). I tried introducing myself and explaining what she was (poorly) and what I was going to be doing (poorly) but almost immediately my mind started wandering onto random daily life stuff and I kept having to force myself back to the forest area and to my tulpa. I had no idea if wandering off like that would break the link or undo what I'd done so far or something and so I had to start over and kept having to reintroduce myself and stuff and then I started feeling paranoid that I'd be confusing her by constantly repeating myself if I didn't need to. I tried to push through it and started talking to her about the area, the wind, how it felt, stuff like that. I figured starting on her immediate environment made sense before moving onto details about her and other scenarios. I was personality forcing by 'suggestion' rather than 'telling' her. So instead of saying "you enjoy the feeling of the breeze" I was saying "doesn't the breeze feel great?" I'm hoping this way I can encourage the personality I want without directly ordering it into her.

 

Then I realized that technically all I was doing was daydreaming about me talking to a character, which I thought didn't seem right. It's not supposed to be a daydream, it's supposed to be more real than that. I've read countless times about 'trying to feel like you're talking to a real person' and despite that, I'd already made the rookie mistake and forgotten to make it feel like that. I thought that being a daydreamer would help me but it's actually hindering me because it's so easy to just imagine everything rather than remembering to make it more real. So I started trying to make my thoughts feel as though they were actually being spoken/thought to someone who was there with me rather than just 'imagining what I would say' but the extraordinary thing is that the minute I started doing that, I suddenly couldn't visualize the forest or Rin as clearly anymore, and when I could, it was just a vague, unmoving image, and that made it hard to feel like I was talking to a real person 'cause I couldn't even see her properly anymore to direct my mind voice to. I went back to simply 'daydreaming about talking to her' and I could visualize more clearly again. I have no idea why it happened like that but the whole thing was weird and unexpected and I felt like I made no progress because of all the interruptions. I don't think I said more than 30 words to her because there was just so much interference with random thoughts and then not being able to focus my mind voice and visualize at the same time.

 

Next time I try, I'll probably start over, re-introduce, etc. because I can't imagine either of us got anything out of that session and to be honest there's every chance Rin's 'body' was a daydream/placeholder rather than a vessel for my tulpa so next time I imagine her, it'll probably feel like a different instance of her. I just hope that things can improve with practice.

 

I hope I'm not the first person to go through this 'cause honestly right now I feel a little bit like a loser for failing this hard. I thought the worst case scenario was that I'd talk for ages to her but feel like she didn't hear me or something. I shoulda guessed it'd be worse because with my life it usually is. Sorry... that's my depression coming out, I'll shut up now.

 

Not sure when I'll get the chance to try again but it'll either be tonight or tomorrow. I'll do another update sometime in the next couple of days and hopefully it'll be better news :(

[Psykai]

Sorry for the double post but I think it's ok in your own Progress Report right?

 

Well today I finally managed to get a decent start. I had the house to myself so I sat with my legs crossed and listened to some rain ambience (my happy place) and went to see my tulpa in the temporary Wonderland.

 

It took me a while but I finally managed to direct my mind voice to her AND visualize her and the scenery (albeit still with diminished quality). My mind stayed on point too and didn't wander off. I introduced myself again and talked to Rin for a while, telling her a little about herself and started to establish the foundation of a couple of traits by talking about what a happy person she was. I felt like I did a better job of talking to her as though she was a real person. Every now and then I felt myself slip back into 'talking to nothing/myself' and had to bring it back to her but I did a better job than the first time at least.

 

I then focused on some senses and used the surrounding area. I took her hand and laid it on the tree stump she was sat on, I imagined how it would feel with my mind senses and tried to aim that feeling to her, all the while narrating to her about what we were doing "I'm going to put your hand here on the stump. Feels rough doesn't it?" etc. I then did the same on the grass and I think some other things. Maybe a rock and the ground. It sounds patronizing when I think about it... I keep thinking stuff like "she's not stupid... I'm almost wording things like I'm talking to a retard. I hope she doesn't see it that way", and then I realized "hah, I'm worried about how she feels! That's a step in the right direction at least." :)

 

Then I started applying the advice I got recently and started to tell her 'stories' about herself and about the two of us doing activities together. I imagined these stories playing out in my head like a movie, with the two of us watching doppelgangers of each other on the 'screen'. That way, she could sort of experience a scenario and see herself in it, but without any puppetteering. Her mind body would still be sitting on the stump, watching this 'movie' play out in front of her. I focused on sports at first since it seemed one of the easiest things, and imagined her playing tennis with me. As I played that scene out, I would slow parts down and describe the things that were happening to her, the feelings that she would be feeling; the weight of the tennis ball in her hand, the material it was made of, how it would feel as it left her hand, how it would feel to swing the tennis racket, etc. and I was using suggestive language like I mentioned in my last post, stuff like "it's a lot of fun isn't it?" to encourage her love of sports hobby/trait. I also worked on her 'Competitive' (but 'good sport') trait by explaining that she would want to win and would try her best but also be supportive of her competition and accept a loss gracefully, so I made her 'on-screen' doppelganger behave with that kind of conviction. I hope all these 'movie' analogies are making sense...

 

I also came up with the idea of props. So each time I showed her a new scenario or 'movie', as well as describing the feeling of the things she was seeing, I conjured up an object relating to the scenario we were working on and then I would take her hand and put the object in her hand so she could feel it, or at least try to (I don't know if she could feel anything since at this point she doesn't look conscious lol. I can only hope). So with the tennis example I gave her a racket and a ball to hold whilst she watched the 'movie' of us playing tennis and used them to help describe and explain what was going on. I realized though that despite me taking her hand and forcing the object into it with my mind body, I STILL probably puppeteered her, because she didn't immediately drop the objects I gave her... I hope something so minor won't end up being a problem but I didn't even realize until I randomly thought "wait, shouldn't these be slipping out of her hands without any force gripping them?" and then realized I'd probably subconsciously made her grip them after I put them in her hand. I suppose I could imagine myself clasping her hands around the objects and holding them in place for her if it comes to that. Of course, she may have simply gripped them herself but I doubt I got that lucky. My subconscious probably just took care of that detail since I didn't think about it.

 

I imagined maybe 4 scenarios in total. After the tennis one, I showed her a 'movie' of us going to a bowling alley, encouraged her 'Competitive' trait some more, gave her mind body a bowling ball to hold whilst she watched the scenario. I didn't spend too much time on that one because it was a little bit similar in nature to the tennis one.

 

Then I had a harder time. I remembered her 'Amoral' and 'Sadistic' traits. I was struggling to think of a scenario where I could teach her these properly. I tried to remember a scene from my own childhood, where a school bully tried to light me on fire. I then had the on-screen Rin enter the scene, shout at them and then proceed to light THEM on fire instead. I explained that she's not an evil person, but when it comes to protecting people she loves and doing what she thinks is right, she is prepared to do bad things and take pleasure in doing them, but she usually has 'good' motives, of a sort... It was the best I could do at the time but I still don't think I was able to properly show her what these traits are and I may have to scrap them entirely. I don't want her to get the wrong idea and then think about setting my mind body on fire if we have a disagreement, lol. I gave her the 'Sadistic' trait because I thought it would help make us able to enjoy my darker thoughts, and also so we could watch sick horror movies together and both get a kick out of them.

 

Then came a scenario I thought of just for fun, however it backfired horribly... I played out a movie of us both being in a zombie apocalypse. We were kicking ass and, to make it somewhat productive, I explained that she was pretty brave and stuff like that and I was still describing feelings and sensations to her. Then I gave her a gun prop to hold whilst she watched the movie.

 

And then she blew her brains out.

 

Nope, you didn't misread that. I gave her the gun, and I was part-way through explaining how it felt (which is hilarious because I've never felt one myself and was just guessing what the material would feel like) and she suddenly puts the gun in her mouth and pulls the trigger right as I'm still explaining stuff.

 

Now, I think I know what this was... Since I was a kid, I've been great at imagining things, however it seems my brain sometimes likes to randomly change things or mess with me. It certainly doesn't like to let me imagine anything nice or normal... I'm serious. When I was young, I used to try imagining a field full of horses because I found it calming, however all of a sudden, the field and horses would burst into flame and they'd all die. I didn't make it happen and it always caught me off-guard. It just happens suddenly, with no conscious decision on my part. I think that's what's happened here too... some cruel or bizarre part of my brain taking creative license or something. I have no idea. I never expected it would even be able to do that whilst I was working on my tulpa stuff, especially since it hasn't happened in my regular daydreams for a while...

 

I was furious and upset (I seriously felt like she was hurt, which again I suppose is another positive sign of believing her existence) and I had no idea what to do. I was even questioning if she was really dead after all this, but after a minute or two, I calmed down and reminded myself that it's my head, my Wonderland and I can do what I want. So I temporarily gave myself the power to 'rewind time' and I brought us back to moments before I gave her the gun. I apologized to her and told her that neither her or myself made that happen and that it was just a nasty mistake that my brain had made and told her to forget all about it. I don't know what else I could do and I hope I handled it well... I just sorta improvised. What the heck are you supposed to say when neither you nor your tulpa gives consent to the idea of them blowing their brains out? I just hope this doesn't cause any problems or undo all the other good things we did :(

 

Despite being almost certain it was just a stupid subconscious brain mistake, I must admit I did have a moment where I thought "what if she actually became fully sentient/independent and shot herself to avoid being my tulpa 'cause she hates me?" but I've managed to talk myself out of it. After I 'rewound time', she continued just sitting there in the hypnotic trance I imagine her in, so I don't think she moved of her own accord. It's still unsettling though.

 

I don't know if I'll be using props anymore... I thought it was a good idea until now. I think I'll also be focusing on non-action related scenarios next time, just to be safe...

 

I've also made a conscious effort to 'half visit'. So like I'll be typing this (stupidly long) post, but then I'll pause, faintly imagine her sitting in the Wonderland and just project to her something like "Hey Rin, how's it going? I'll be coming to see you again soon," just to try and keep my mind on her and to keep a sort of bond going I guess. I do that at various intervals throughout the day.

 

It's really hard... I mean, aside from some educated guessing, everything I've explained in this post is me 'winging it'. I have no idea if I'm doing anything right or handling things completely wrong, or if she's even aware of anything and taking it all in. I suppose I'll just keep winging it and hope that one day I get some sort of sign from her. Despite the weird gun incident, I'm not deterred because the rest of the session went well (and lasted about 45 minutes!) and I feel like I have a somewhat decent setup with her at the moment.

 

What I also wanted to ask, for anybody reading my report, would you rather I tried to make shorter, less informed posts, or do you like the longer, descriptive ones? Should I post after each session like I am right now, or only after sessions in which something new or interesting happens? I don't want to keep writing these long, potentially boring posts if nobody enjoys them, lol. Of course, odds are they might not always be long anyway. I suppose a lot just happened today.

 

Anyway, I hope this update was interesting and I hope I don't sound like a complete 'noob' (even though that's what I am...)

 

Ciao for now! ^_^